Question about forgiveness

[ChristyMarie]

I know, heavy stuff for a Friday;)

My MIL (the one who pushed me, remember?) just emailed us after 2 months of the silent treatment saying that she forgives us! :rolleyes: DH wants to work at having a healthy relationship so I'm trying to figure out how to forgive them enough to be able to interract with them.

*sigh* And I just can't figure out how to do that. Would anyone share how they've forgiven in the past?

What does it mean to you to forgive?

And are you truly able to forgive those in your life who have done you wrong?

If so, how?

If not, what do you think is holding you back?

[DmOrtega]

Forgiving and forgetting are very different. We can forgive a persons indescretions or rudeness and not forget that that person is capable of those same indescretions and rudeness. I think if you truly like the person it's easier to forgive and in time forget. To move on. If you don't really like them then it's harder. You can choose to move on or you can choose to hold onto your own feelings. Is it worth the trouble? Are you happy? Do you want to have a relationship with this person? Are you trying to punish them for hurting you?

Every relationship is different and even then the relationship changes like the seasons change. There will always be ups and downs. It is the way nature works. How willing are you to go with the flow?

The olive branch has been extended to you. Maybe not the way you would like, but you are not the one extending it. Keep that in mind. Just be ready to stand up for yourself when it is warranted and back off whenever possible to keep peace in the family.

[linsleyd]

Well, there is a weighty issue. I think sometimes for the sake of family you just need to forgive and forget and it's not easy.

My FIL refused to come to our wedding for childish selfish reasons. It took both DH and I a long time to come to terms with that and forgive him. We now visit him a few times a month and just take everything with a grain of salt. He's depressive, on medication and lonely. It doesn't take much from us to have dinner with him every so often if it makes him happy. It's better sometimes to let it go for all parties. It took me a lot longer than DH to forgive him but we both have now (after six years!).

Is it possible to let what has happen go in the past and limit contact with them without so much as telling them that is what you are doing?

[boisewinesnob]

Christy, I think that she has a lot of nerve to say she forgives you.
I know if that happened in my own family drama I'd laugh at the self-righteous jerk and hit the delete. As you know, dealing with a narcissist, it is always someone else's fault and he or she will never accept responsibility. Your MIL is just trying to pass off her behavior and blame you and your DH.

Maybe you could write back something like "that's great that you have forgiven me (us), but it may take awhile before I'm able to forgive you"
or whatever. That way she knows you are not falling for her blaming.

ETA: if a person has only done something to offend me or hurt my feelings once or twice it is much easier for me to forgive. If it's a lifelong pattern it's much harder for me because then it's obvious that it's really the person's nature to be that way.

[Canice]

Ugh, that's supposed to be a step in the right direction? That she forgives you for asserting your right to a peaceful household?

My brother was a physically violent and emotionally devestating force in our house, so as a young adult I went years without talking to him. My mother asked, "How can you be so unforgiving?" and answer was easy: He didn't wish to be forgiven, didn't think he'd done anything wrong, and continued his terrible behavior.
Conversely, a friend and I had a falling out a couple of years ago; essentially I felt she'd abandoned me during my sister's illness and death and had not been a friend when I needed one. We talked about it later, gave our own versions of the time, and tried to understand each other's perspective. We'd had unpleasant words but all was forgiven on both sides, vaporized. Because we both felt we'd fallen short and didn't want to harbor bad feelings; we both wanted the other to forgive our failures.

I have no idea how I would handle it in your situation (see note about not talking to brother!).

[Luv to Cook]

You have gotten some good advice...so sorry you have to deal with this. Sounds like my MIL. I am at the point where boisewinesnob is! But I do have to say, that I disagree with writing something like this back "that's great that you have forgiven me (us), but it may take awhile before I'm able to forgive you . I can tell you from experience that this will backfire. That email will be shown to anyone who will listen. It will be "poor me, I wrote such a lovely email and forgave them, and this is what I get in return." Don't put anything in writing!

Good luck!
Anita

[ChristyMarie]

My mother asked, "How can you be so unforgiving?" and answer was easy: He didn't wish to be forgiven, didn't think he'd done anything wrong, and continued his terrible behavior.

I think this is the sticking point for me. I can, and have, forgiven people for wrongs - when the person showed remorse. She not only shows no remorse but, as the textbooks say she will, has now turned it around so that it was all my fault!

These people are just insane, but I've got to figure out how to deal with them without wanting to strangle them.

:mad:

[Kathy B]

It would be hard to forgive someone who does not take any responsibility for their action or show any remorse. How do you know that anything will be different if she does not feel there is anything YOU need to forgive HER for? What exactly is she forgiving YOU for? Did she say anything specific or just that she forgives you? (Just something to consider, you don't have to explain it all). Did she accept any responsibility for the falling out?

If she is just forgiving you for whatever you feel she incorrectly or unjustifiably blamed you for initially without thinking any of it was her fault, I can't see how "forgiving" her would accomplish anything except opening the door for more of the same.

[boisewinesnob]

I can tell you from experience that this will backfire. That email will be shown to anyone who will listen. It will be "poor me, I wrote such a lovely email and forgave them, and this is what I get in return." Don't put anything in writing!


You are probably right. In my situation the family member has already told anyone who will listen (mutual friends and family) how horrible I am. Most of those people already know this person's nature and I'm sure they can all guess what really happened, in my situation I mean.

[ChristyMarie]

Kathy, she is officially forgiving DH for being married to such an evil witch who has made up lies about her.

We do not expect an acknowledgement of what she did or an apology - she's not capable of doing that. I just have to figure out how to get my mind around dealing with her - and for some reason I think that lies in my being able to forgive her in my heart - but NEVER forgetting what she has done, what she is capable of, and sticking to the boundaries for all future contact.

[donnamp14]

Christy- This may sound harsh, but I do not believe you are ready to forgive her.

Give it some more time before you react. Maybe a longer break from dealing with her is what you need.

I absolutely agree that her behavior is egregious. You have been treated poorly. I also think she loves the "emotional rollercoaster" and she misses the interactions witih you that were fueling her anger. No interactions, no anger.

If I were in your shoes, I'd take a deep breath, and give it some more time. Just IMHO. (I am going through something very similar with someone in my family.)

-Donna

[TKay]

I am completely butting in here since I wasn't privvy to all the things you've been through in the past. But I just wanted to note that sometimes forgiving is really letting yourself off the hook. By that I mean, not letting something have control over you anymore.
My dh has been in a somewhat similar situation (or maybe it's similar, I'm not sure). Perhaps it's more of a situation you can identify with. His father was an alcoholic and horrible father pretty much all his life. While he's been sober now for years, he has never--not once--made amends to his children for all he did to them. Dh's siblings still hold him accountable and won't let him off the hook. They remain angry and hurt by him and in their dealings with him, they continue to expect more from him. Dh on the other hand, expects nothing from him. He knows that his father seems to be incapable of taking responsibility for the less-than job he has done of parenting. The result? Dh is the only one who is not bothered by his dad's horrible behavior. He's never disappointed in his dad because he expects nothing of him. He doesn't expect him to ever be better than he is.
Now, that may or may not be the healthiest thing. But I must say, it has relieved a lot of stress and tension in dh's life. We don't see his father much and he has very little to do with our kids. But when we see him at family gatherings, we are able to be civil with him even when he is inappropriate. It's almost like we know he's wacky and not-so-kind and we let it go and get on with our lives.
Okay, that may not be something you can relate to at all, but I just thought I'd throw it in on the off chance that it might help.
Hang in there and good luck with your situation. And, apologies if I'm out of line by butting into your conversation.

[DmOrtega]

...Hang in there and good luck with your situation. And, apologies if I'm out of line by butting into your conversation.

Any posting done on a public forum is open to everyone. No apologies needed.

[stacy7272]

I was thinking right along the lines with TKay. I think it is less an issue of forgiving than it is accepting. This is your MIL, she will not change. It would be much more productive if you changed your expectations of her rather than trying to get her to behave a certain way.

I don't have it as bad as you in the MIL department luckily but I did have to come to terms with my MIL. I was always angry with her, the things she did, and the things she said. One day it dawned on me that when my own mother did annoying things I chalked it up to her and all her "quirks" and didn't take any of it personally (and my mother has SO many quirks - much of my early 20s was coming to terms with all my parents' quirks and how they affected my childhood) but when MIL did things I took these things personally and wanted her to stop/change. It was like my early 20s all over again.

Now I understand that my MIL will not change and I have accepted who she is - even if I don't always like who that person is. I can almost predict the stuff that will flow out of her mouth and the things she will do so now I just brush it off.

Of course, if your MIL's personality involves distructive things (I know it does) then you'll have to do things like not have her around your child without supervision and the like. In other words, you make the decisions of what you will do because of her personality, not what can you get your MIL to do because of her personality.

I think you've been doing a great job of dealing with her but I don't think you should expect anything different from her in the future than what you've experienced in the past. Forget forgiveness, just accept her as is and make decisions from there.

[Goin' Coastal]

Dear MIL

Thank you for your recent email. It means a lot to both of us. We want you to know we forgive you, too. We both want to have a great relationship with you and the entire family. It's a new year, and time for a new start. Thank you.

Christy and

Forgiving her will do a lot more for you and your peace of mind than it will do for her. You will just need to make a concious effort to put it behind you. When you start thinking about the things about her that have upset you in the past, you need to put it out of your mind and purposefully start thinking other, more pleasant thoughts. It is not always easy to retrain your thoughts! In the long run, it will be better for you.

And make sure you are using terms such as "we" and "us". Make it very clear you and DH are together on this! She can't be all bad - she raised a son you are obviously in love with!

[raka1214]

Christy, first of all, I am truly sorry that you are having to deal with someone that is this caustic - especially someone that is now family because it will affect your life....for the rest of your life.

That being said forgiveness isn't some magical thing that occurs where every hurt, every harsh word, every careless or pointed action is erased or eased. It is a mindset that YOU have to arrive at that regardless of what this person has done to me I must (for whatever reason) maintain a relationship with them and I am choosing to allow them to have this much ________________(fill in the blank) influence in my and my family's life. The fact that she is "forgiving" you is very sharp as, based upon what you have shared, she is not taking responsibility for her own actions just simply transferring her actions over to you and secondarily to your DH, her son.

You have to decide for you if having a relationship with her is important enough to do what you are going to have to do which is maintain a stiff upper lip in her presence, endure her relationship with your DH and son and take what ever she gives over the next years. It will not be easy because, again based on what you have shared, she doesn't see that she has any culpability in anything.

You also have to take into consideration that you are married to her son - you may only be able to tolerate her but it IS his mother. Respect her for that - go into every situation with her respecting her for the fact that she is his mother and you will be amazed just how much crap you can take - for his sake.

I'm going to agree with donnamp - you aren't ready to forgive her, her email didn't help that I'm sure. Wait a little while until you can say her name without having bile run up into your throat or you spit her name out or you don't have the urge to be pissed off anytime you think of her. When that happens ask yourself how much influence do you want her to have in your life and then go from there.

Good luck

[sneezles]

I don't think you can forgive a person you don't like/care for ...or is this my problem?;) You can try to deal with your feelings for this person, relieve yourself from the guilt of not liking her and accept the fact that you aren't going to change her. Face it the family has enabled her to behave this way probably long before you came into the picture. I don't think her son could have ever married the right person in her eyes. Learn to accept her for the selfish, self-center b*tch that she is and limit your contact with her. :D

[luvItalian]

For what it is worth I agree with Goin Costal. I have been lurking at these posts (past and present) for quite some time now. I am in a very similar situation with my MIL. As it turns out she ended up with a nervous breakdown and is now on medication. As a therapist told us... Medication will help the disorder but never change her personaility. What I have learned is that her meaness is her personality. I have used recommended books from everyone here and some tips. You guys are great and on target. Do not accept her behavior, take the high road and never forget what she is and probally always will be capable of. My wishes and prayers are with you because I fear this will be a never ending topic for you. Luckily we have these great people to write to.

[Laura]

Remember too, that forgiving someone does not mean that you are allowing them to hurt you again. IMO it means that you are not going to continue to hold that past grievance against them; you are moving on. Forgiving your MIL does not necessarily mean greater involvement in your life, or allowing her to treat you as she has in the past. As a previous poster stated, I think truely forgiving someone can sometimes do more for the person who does the forgiving. You no longer have to hold on to that anger; there is a lot of peace that can come with that.

All that being said, saying you are forgiving someone and actually meaning it are two different things. I try to really work on forgiving someone before I say it, because I think if you say it, then you really have to mean it. It took a long, long time for me to forgive my ex-H. When I finally told him, I think he could not have cared less, but it did wonders for me.

[erinlovesmarc]

I know, heavy stuff for a Friday;)

My MIL (the one who pushed me, remember?) just emailed us after 2 months of the silent treatment saying that she forgives us! :rolleyes: DH wants to work at having a healthy relationship so I'm trying to figure out how to forgive them enough to be able to interract with them.

*sigh* And I just can't figure out how to do that. Would anyone share how they've forgiven in the past?

What does it mean to you to forgive?

And are you truly able to forgive those in your life who have done you wrong?

If so, how?

If not, what do you think is holding you back?

Don't you love MIL's?! LOL...I'm civil with my MIL but it hasn't been the same since DH and I announced that we were getting married and she tried to butt into all the wedding plans...I guess I have forgiven her for making my life a living hell leading up to the wedding but I will NEVER forget...I don't think it will ever be the same again and it's a shame since we had such a good relationship before...so many people ask why I can't just forgive and forget...usually it's so easy but I just can't this time...she actually made me physically sick from stressing me out and I didn't even enjoy the day of my wedding so I guess I'm still resenting that fact...I do believe that time heals all (or most) so I guess eventually it will all be forgotten but for right now I'm still pi$$ed!

[MaryH]

Remember too, that forgiving someone does not mean that you are allowing them to hurt you again. IMO it means that you are not going to continue to hold that past grievance against them; you are moving on. Forgiving your MIL does not necessarily mean greater involvement in your life, or allowing her to treat you as she has in the past. As a previous poster stated, I think truely forgiving someone can sometimes do more for the person who does the forgiving. You no longer have to hold on to that anger; there is a lot of peace that can come with that.

All that being said, saying you are forgiving someone and actually meaning it are two different things. I try to really work on forgiving someone before I say it, because I think if you say it, then you really have to mean it. It took a long, long time for me to forgive my ex-H. When I finally told him, I think he could not have cared less, but it did wonders for me.

Laura, hit this pretty much dead on. Forgiving has to do with what happened in the past. It is about YOUR reaction to something that happened. You do not need the other person in order to forgive. They say you "forget" when you're dead. :)

However, forgiveness is not the same thing as trust which deals with the future. You are entitled to set boundaries with your MIL if her behavior is negatively affecting you, your DH, and/or the children. So, maybe the harder thing to decide is: what will I do if this happens again? Have a plan. And hardest of all, stick to it. Doesn't have to be drastic (i.e. cutting off all contact with her), but it does need to be something that you can do - say you are leaving, tell her you will meet her at a neutral location, etc. Ideally it should be somethng you and DH agree on.

(After typing this, I read one of your responses and I think you already said this - it's about boundaries in terms of what is acceptable and not.)

[jmarie]

I wasn't privvy to all the things you've been through in the past. But I just wanted to note that sometimes forgiving is really letting yourself off the hook. By that I mean, not letting something have control over you anymore.

That was a really good statement. I would write her back, thank her for forgiving you and nicely say that after thinking about it, you just wanted her to know that you also had forgiven her. Tell her the holidays were stressful for everyone and that you are happy that you can now get back to where you all were. We all tell little white lies about everything else, what is the harm here?


I haven't paid enough attention to your posts, :o to know if you are a praying person....sorry, but I read and then I just forget......but I have found that is what helps me... to really pray, a lot, about things of this nature.

But you know, even though you forgive, doesn't necessarily mean that you have to let your guard down and be a walking mat. I have a toxic sister and it is rough, but the long time between visits often helps with this and things are a little less raw. I can so put myself in your shoes with two people in my life. I walk on the egg shells and just put as much time and distance between us as humanly possible.

You will still need to vent and you know we will be here for that....But most likely, every time you walk away from a visit, you are going to feel the same way. My therapist told me yesterday that these people only have as much power over me and my feelings, as I allow them to have. Not the first time she has said this....but it is starting to sink in.

She also said not to react with rage when things happen, not to raise my voice, but rather lower it an octive, look them squarely in the eyes and say. "I do not have to put up with this, nor will I." Walk away, don't give them time to react. If they continue or raise their voice to you, again, look them squarely in the eyes and say"What part of that did you not understand?" Say nothing else and if they persist, continue walking away. DO NOT ARGUE. you are only giving them what they want.... POWER. She said that by doing this, I will render them useless and that once this has happened a couple of times, they should eventually stop their behaviors. If they don't we will go to plan 2, I am sure. LOL!:eek:

Well, we shall see.

Good luck!

[badunnin]

I think you need to take into consideration that your DH wants to work on this with *his mother*. It's his mom. No matter how many nasty, mean things my mom says to me, either sober or intoxicated (and it's harder to tell now that I've moved out of the house and don't have the visual cues when talking on the telephone) I'm still not ready to cut ties with her - she's my mom. *shrug*

[oceanjasper]

Here are some of my thoughts about forgiveness...

True forgiveness is when you are able to look back on a situation and feel no anger, bitterness, or resentment. It is something that you can only do for yourself, not for anyone else. To be able to forgive someone, you have to completely release the person from anything that they have done to hurt or disappoint you. You can no longer hold that person accountable for what they have done to you in the past.

To use an analogy, it is like holding a person on the end of a fishing line. You keep them on the end of the line because they have comitted an injustice against you and whenever you recall that injustice you can reel them in and rehash the ways in which they failed to meet your expectations. The unfortunate thing is that you will continue to hold onto that hurt and disappointment and never truly feel at peace until you can release that person from the end of your fishing line and let it go.

[mbrogier]

I agree with what Laura and Ocean Jasper had to say about forgiveness. Forgiving someone is about you, not them, unless they are asking to be forgiven to restore a relationship. If you keep letting what someone has done to you fester because you can't forgive, it's only going to hurt you. You replay the events over and over in your mind, stress over it, lose sleep... it affects your body mentally, physically and spiritually. The person that offended you may not even know the extent of the pain they inflicted. It can take a while to get to the point that you forgive someone, but it does help.

Forgiving someone doesn't mean you are allowing them to hurt you again or use you as a door mat. You're just letting past grievances slip away out of your active memory. There's a verse in Revelations that talks about how God forgives us of our transgressions. I am really awful at remembering references, but the verse talks about when God forgives us, he throws the memory of our sins in the sea and erects a no fishing sign so they can't be drug back up. God can't forget anything because he's God, but this verse illustrates to us how He doesn't try to remember what we did and hold it against us. If God can do that for me and all the things I've done against him, I can do that for all the people that sin against me--especially people that mean a lot to my husband.

My MIL is sweet now, and I am blessed to have such a great MIL. She was a witch when we were planning our wedding. Everyone got caught up in what they wanted. She has since apologized to me, but I had already forgiven her in my heart. It hurt Rob that I was bitter towards his mom, even though he understood why. We have a much better relationship since I let that go. Also, since my stroke, I've learned that I'm not guaranteed years and years to have good relationships with my family. Anytime I go see my family could be the last time. There aren't many arguments that are worth having if you keep that in mind.

ChristieMarie, I know you're in a rough spot. I wouldn't email your MIL because anything you say can be misconstrued in her mind. I definitely think she's the one causing the most problems, and I don't envy your position. (((ChristyMarie))) I would let your husband handle it as much as possible, but here's a tidbit of advice I've had to learn. She's still his mom. I've gotten frustrated at my MIL because she can be overbearing and intrusive, and I've said things about it to Rob. It hurts him for me to say bad things since it's still *his mother* no matter how annoyed he gets at her. Keep that in mind. If you need to vent, I'll be more than happy to listen to you (and not lecture you ;) ). I just don't want you to hurt your marriage over your narcissistic MIL. Don't let her win.

[ChristyMarie]

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words and insight. I should have been clear that she emailed DH, not me. So DH responded in kind, that he still loves her and hopes we can move forward without a repeat of the type of behavior we find unacceptable. But he said it in a really nice way.

I don't want to forgive her for her, I want to do it for ME - much like many of you have said. I'm just figuring out how to do that and truly let go of all the negative emotions so I can move forward without resentment and be able to truly detach during her psycho moments. Part of this is that I'm afraid if she ever pushed me or had physical contact with me again I'd react, well in kind. And I don't want to do that.

We have agreed to the boundaries - but putting them into effect will be much easier if I can react without emotion to her outbursts and awful behavior.

[clairea]

I think you need to take into consideration that your DH wants to work on this with *his mother*. It's his mom. No matter how many nasty, mean things my mom says to me, either sober or intoxicated (and it's harder to tell now that I've moved out of the house and don't have the visual cues when talking on the telephone) I'm still not ready to cut ties with her - she's my mom. *shrug*


This is huge. It is difficult for me to comprehend why DH is willing to continue to put himself (and by extension, me and our kids, until I learned to put protective barriers in place) "out there" with his family, but as he says, no matter what, they are the only family he has. I am not willing to let them hurt me or my children, and will do everything in my power to protect my DH as much as I can, but the bottom line is- if DH wants this relationship, I love him enough to try to put my own feelings aside and to try to help make it work however we can.

[Gumbeaux]

After reading these posts, I am reminded of one of my favorite songs, Heart of the Matter (http://www.lyricsdomain.com/4/don_henley/the_heart_of_the_matter.html) by Don Henley.

Don sums it up pretty good:

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside


.

[stefania4]

How timely! I'm teaching Sunday School this week on forgiveness. Not because I'm so good at it, but because it doesn't come naturally to me and I've had to really figure out what it means (for me) and work at it.

I highly recommend the book "To Forgive Is Human: Putting Your Past In The Past." It was not a book I could read straight through; I'd read some, get infuriated & stuck, go back to the beginning and try again.

The most important thing for me to work through is that forgiveness is not condoning behavior; it is breaking free of the power that event/person has over you. I also realized that it's not so much an event as a cyclical process, particularly with people (oh, let's hypothetically call them "Mom" and "Dad") who blithely do the same hurtful things over and over...

[jmarie]

We have agreed to the boundaries - but putting them into effect will be much easier if I can react without emotion to her outbursts and awful behavior.

Practice it in the mirror!

I do wish you well.

[boisewinesnob]

This is interesting. Clairea, you bring up a good point about your DH and his family.

But here's a question for you (in you, I mean everybody). Do you find it easier to forgive someone who has done something bad to you, or been mean to you, etc.......compared to forgiving someone who has been mean to your spouse? Your children? Or someone who is your best friend?

To me this is a big issue. There was someone on my side of the family who had treated my husband like an idiot; condescending, mean, snide remarks, etc. This went on for about 20 years and a few months ago I absolutely could not take it anymore. I refuse to have contact with someone (even "family") who treats my wonderful husband this disrespectfully and cruelly. Does that make me unforgiving? Maybe, but that's the way it's going to be.

[mbrogier]

This is interesting. Clairea, you bring up a good point about your DH and his family.

But here's a question for you (in you, I mean everybody). Do you find it easier to forgive someone who has done something bad to you, or been mean to you, etc.......compared to forgiving someone who has been mean to your spouse? Your children? Or someone who is your best friend?

To me this is a big issue. There was someone on my side of the family who had treated my husband like an idiot; condescending, mean, snide remarks, etc. This went on for about 20 years and a few months ago I absolutely could not take it anymore. I refuse to have contact with someone (even "family") who treats my wonderful husband this disrespectfully and cruelly. Does that make me unforgiving? Maybe, but that's the way it's going to be.

Oh, yes. For example, my evil SIL can belittle me all she wants, and I'll ignore her. I won't take her berating Rob. It is definitely easier for me to forgive her for things she's done to me.

Boisewinesnob, I don't think that staying out of the line of fire is being unforgiving.

[clairea]

This is interesting. Clairea, you bring up a good point about your DH and his family.

But here's a question for you (in you, I mean everybody). Do you find it easier to forgive someone who has done something bad to you, or been mean to you, etc.......compared to forgiving someone who has been mean to your spouse? Your children? Or someone who is your best friend?

To me this is a big issue. There was someone on my side of the family who had treated my husband like an idiot; condescending, mean, snide remarks, etc. This went on for about 20 years and a few months ago I absolutely could not take it anymore. I refuse to have contact with someone (even "family") who treats my wonderful husband this disrespectfully and cruelly. Does that make me unforgiving? Maybe, but that's the way it's going to be.

Absolutely! When things are only directed at me, I have always managed to forgive. For me, hurting my DH, and pulling my children and even my parents into the venom is so far beyond my capacity to forgive. As I mentioned above, though, I haven't found it necessary to find forgiveness in my own heart in order to do what my DH needs me to do.

[GingerPow]

I know, heavy stuff for a Friday;)

My MIL (the one who pushed me, remember?) just emailed us after 2 months of the silent treatment saying that she forgives us! :rolleyes: DH wants to work at having a healthy relationship so I'm trying to figure out how to forgive them enough to be able to interract with them.

*sigh* And I just can't figure out how to do that. Would anyone share how they've forgiven in the past?

What does it mean to you to forgive?
And are you truly able to forgive those in your life who have done you wrong?
If so, how?
If not, what do you think is holding you back?
ChristyMarie, you've received advice before about your MIL and it seems that there is nothing new that needs to be added. She is manipulative and will twist the situation between you and her to seem as if SHE is YOUR victim. I told you to expect this quite awhile ago. She is behaving in line with her traditional behavior by her "forgiveness" toward you. Isn't that big of her considering the awful things that YOU did to HER? :rolleyes:
Forgive if you like (it'll be a favor you do for yourself) but forget at your own peril. The stripes on this tiger won't be changing anytime soon.

[boisewinesnob]

Christy, sorry for the hijack :o Clairea and mbrogier, thanks for understanding!! I was starting to think that maybe I was some kind of scrooge for feeling the way I do, but I guess I am not the only one who is protective of my DH and kids!!!

[ChristyMarie]

This is interesting. Clairea, you bring up a good point about your DH and his family.

But here's a question for you (in you, I mean everybody). Do you find it easier to forgive someone who has done something bad to you, or been mean to you, etc.......compared to forgiving someone who has been mean to your spouse? Your children? Or someone who is your best friend?

To me this is a big issue. There was someone on my side of the family who had treated my husband like an idiot; condescending, mean, snide remarks, etc. This went on for about 20 years and a few months ago I absolutely could not take it anymore. I refuse to have contact with someone (even "family") who treats my wonderful husband this disrespectfully and cruelly. Does that make me unforgiving? Maybe, but that's the way it's going to be.

Yes, I find it much harder. I was dealing with MIL ok until she started treating hubby and my son poorly. But forgiving her and FIL for the "suicide threat" they gave to DH? Nope, not gonna happen for a very very looooong time.

Likewise I can overlook mean or rude behavior towards me much easier than towards DH or DS.

No worry about threadjacking, I think this is completely on topic.:)

[jmarie]

I am not the only one who is protective of my DH and kids!!!

Oh, I have often heard: "Say anything you want about me, but say something about or to my husband or children and you will have a fight on your hands!" I think you were totally on target!
Joyce