Children at parties - how do you say no?

[ChristyMarie]

So I'm hosting a baby shower with 2 friends. The guest list is looking to be a bit bigger than we originally thought. We were thinking 25-30 and it is looking like 40-45.

It is going to be at my house! That's a lot of people. :eek:

We're doing a traditional ladies afternoon tea party and to accomodate that many people I'll be renting china, etc. Plus, my house is not child proof and 40-45 adults is one thing. Adding their children makes it way too crowded.

I've told my co-hosts that I would prefer no children for these reasons. I back up to a very busy street with no fence so outdoor activities is not practical.

Am I a monster? My "no-children" thing is not going over well so I offered to find an alternative venue but this will significantly increase the cost which has already almost doubled and I'm carrying the bulk of it (supplies & food).

What would you do or what have you done?

ETA: I should add that many of the children who would be included are generally NOT supervised at parties and generally run all over without supervision from their parents. I am NOT ok with that in my home.

[blazedog]

Not wanting children at a ladies' afternoon function is perfectly appropriate -- it is those who are making you feel guilty who are completely out of line.

It is a parents' responsibility to provide a baby sitter rather than expect others to put up with their children in designated adult only situations.

Not your responsibility but perhaps you could put those with children together and they can designate a day care center at someone ELSE's home and share the expenses.

I believe there was a thread about this about a year ago -- only that discussed a specific couple who insisted on bringing their child to evening parties -- to me a distinction without a difference as there are clearly adult only activities to which parents either send regrets or find baby sitters for their children while attending.

[zwieback]

I think I'd tell the 2 other friends who are your co-hosts that your house is not child-proofed and if the party is going to be held at your house then you can't have children. If that's unacceptable, then I'd tell them that they are more than welcome to hold the shower at their house.

[ChristyMarie]

I believe there was a thread about this about a year ago -- only that discussed a specific couple who insisted on bringing their child to evening parties -- to me a distinction without a difference as there are clearly adult only activities to which parents either send regrets or find baby sitters for their children while attending.

That was me!!! :D I guess I have issues, lol.

Just one person was easier - plus I was the only host. :cool:

[hollysmom]

You need to include that information on the invitation and be prepared to lose a few who don't have baby sitting. You migjht allow infants - they rarely run around unsupervised, but draw the line there - I would not leave my breastfed infant home in such a case.

With 45 people - have you thought about moving to a community center or hotel meeting room or something - unless you have a really big house, that's a LOT of people---

SSM

[erinl]

I think I'd tell the 2 other friends who are your co-hosts that your house is not child-proofed and if the party is going to be held at your house then you can't have children. If that's unacceptable, then I'd tell them that they are more than welcome to hold the shower at their house.

This is exactly what I would do. And if you lose some people, that just makes life easier on you.

[cminmd]

I have two kids and I either find a sitter or send my regrets. With the party at 45 guests, a few negative RSVP's might be just what you need.

[blazedog]

That was me!!! :D I guess I have issues, lol.

Just one person was easier - plus I was the only host. :cool:

I think it is a few people in your social circle who seem to have issues.:eek:

The sad thing about boorish people is that they make one question one's own perception of acceptable behavior.

In situations like this, I try to turn it around and ask myself whether I would -- fill in the blank -- in this case insist on bringing a child to an event that is clearly an adult activity. Since the answer is (or should be clear cut) I then have no difficulties being firm/assertive about enforcing MY rights.

[PAMMELA]

I completely agree. Our house is NOT child-proofed and therefore, sorry, our parties are adults only, especially if there will be alcohol. This will tell you how adamant I am about it - after numerous arguments with my sister, even my nephew is not to come to a party if I'm having a no-kids party. She said, but he's not just any kid, it's your nephew....but I also said, what about my BEST friend and her two boys? Why can my nephew come, but they can't? They are almost the same age. Anyway, I do not relent on that aspect. I will miss you at my party if you can't get a sitter. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's how we feel. Just make sure to put on the invitation ADULTS ONLY PLEASE.

And I also agree that the people who are making waves are the ones that are out of line.

[ChristyMarie]

I think it is a few people in your social circle who seem to have issues.:eek:

The sad thing about boorish people is that they make one question one's own perception of acceptable behavior.

In situations like this, I try to turn it around and ask myself whether I would -- fill in the blank -- in this case insist on bringing a child to an event that is clearly an adult activity. Since the answer is (or should be clear cut) I then have no difficulties being firm/assertive about enforcing MY rights.

Very true.

I'm just sticking to the "no kids" unless someone else would like to:

A) host - but no one else really has the room/supplies to do it

-or-

B) significantly contribute to a rental fee - which I doubt. One friend is buying the invitations and tea, the other is splitting the decorations with me. I'm getting everything else. Which is fine - I offerred - but then I get to make the rules in my home.

[jellyben]

Am I the only parent that looooves an opportunity to attend an adult-only event?! We have had to miss out on a couple of things because we couldn't find a sitter, but I certainly defer to the host's wishes. I have also been a little miffed to go to the trouble and expense of finding a sitter for an Adult Only party, only to show up and be greeted by a gaggle of kids. But hey, that's life.

You are doing such a nice thing, shame you are being made to second guess yourself.

[BucknellAlum]

I don't think kids would have much fun at a ladies tea baby shower! I can't imagine wanting to bring my kids to something like that, IF they were invited.

I am assuming that you are now just discussing whether or not to actually invite the kids and that is what is not going over well with your co-hosts?

Or are you afraid that you will send out an invitations addressed only to the adult women, but they will show up with the kiddies?

If it's the former, I agree that kids do not need to be at such an event. I would be surprised to get such an invite that included my kids.

If it's the latter, that is a different problem entirely!

[testkitchen45]

The sad thing about boorish people is that they make one question one's own perception of acceptable behavior.

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just look at the various RSVP threads on the boards, or the threads about obnoxious Thanksgiving guests (I know; I started one!), to realize that you're in good company. Hold your ground, nicely but firmly!! I agree that if your co-hostesses aren't willing to hold it at their house, but if they're pushing for kids to be allowed, then they should pay the extra food costs and the location-rental fee, but negotiating that arrangement could be ugly. It might be easier to just smile sweetly and say, "I'm so sorry that this type of party won't be appropriate for kids. Maybe next time! But when we're trying to focus on our honored mom-to-be, it just won't work to be making sure that little kids are doing OK--so no, I'm not able to accommodate children at this formal party." Period. People like what you're describing really get under my skin--if they're going to show you such disrespect as a hostess, then maybe their "no" RSVP is just fine. Good luck! It sounds like a lovely party!

[stefania4]

Wow - I've NEVER seen children at a shower (bridal or baby), and it would never have occurred to me that people would think they could bring them!

I think you're smart to prohibit kids since your home is not childproofed and it's an extremely large shower... and, of course, it's an adult event. There's nothing at all rude or unfriendly about limiting your guest list to adults.

As we learned from our adults-only wedding, some people actually do not understand the basic etiquette rule that the only people invited to an event are the ones listed on the envelope. After our friends' nightmare stories about inviting 2 people and getting an RSVP for 5, we included a note in the invitation - something like "Our reception is an adult event. If you need assistance locating childcare in Atlanta, please contact us at _________."

Unfortunately you may need to do the same with these invitations, unless someone else steps up to host.

The other thing we learned from our battle-scarred friends is to NEVER offer a reason for excluding children. People who are determined to bring them will parry every response and try to wear you down - if you say "my home isn't childproofed", they say "Oh, she stays on my lap." If you say "We're serving alcohol and it isn't appropriate for children", they say "Austin goes to all of our parties and it's never a problem" and so on. Simply say "This one is just for the grown-ups" and repeat as often as necessary. Unfortunately, it seems those folks operate from a perspective of "my child is flat-out entitled to go wherever I do" and there's just no reasoning with that.

[Gilgamesh37]

Maybe it's a regional thing, but in my area of the Midwest, if it's a baby shower, it is absolutely assumed that children are included. Doesn't matter if it's high tea with white gloves, "baby" = "sure, bring anyone under 18 that you want." Which is why I always always always decline invites to same.

[HRJ]

What they all said!

Another thing to add, though -- you say this will be a ladies tea -- so I'm assuming that many (I know, not all) of the children who would be coming to this party have fathers with whom they can spend the afternoon? I mean, it's not like you're going to be inviting both parents to the event, which makes the request to include kids even more outrageous, IMO.

Before I had kids, I hosted a few adults-only social events, and got some flak from friends with kids about it -- and had folks show up for evening, adults-only parties with kids in tow, even though they'd been told not to bring them and had been warned that my house, at that time, wasn't child-proofed. They'd tell me that they just couldn't get a babysitter, and, to be honest, it did make me feel a little guilty about excluding the kids, and that maybe I just couldn't understand what it was like and that I was being insensitive.

Now that I have a child, I realize that the business about "not being able to get a babysitter" is, for the most part, baloney. I know there are situations where a babysitter cancels at the last moment, or some other out-of-the-ordinary situation comes up, but, if you have enough advance notice, and are willing to pay the going wage, you *can* find a babysitter if you need/want one badly enough, even if your regular sitter can't make it. Or, find a mom-friend and arrange for a "swap" -- she watches your kid for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon, and you return the favor when she needs it. DH and I have absolutely no family in this area, and we don't travel in a huge social circle, but, whenever we have needed to find someone -- paid babysitter, friend, whoever -- to watch DS (again, with enough advance notice), we've been able to manage it.

Now, I know there are people who *won't* leave their kids with a babysitter, and that's a different story -- that's certainly their choice, but the consequence is that they will have to decline invitations for adults-only events. Can't expect the world to bend to your preferences.


In any event, it's extraordinarly rude to tell someone what to do in their own home. DH and I have a no-smoking policy in our home, and, I've had visitors tell me that it was "rude" when I asked them to go outside if they wanted to light up. No, it's "rude" for someone to tell me how I should run my house.

Stick to your guns. You are not being out of line.

Helene

[hollysmom]

If I was invited to this ladies' tea, and I knew that there could be another 9 year old girl to keep mine company, I would love to bring my 9 year old (and her American Girl doll) to get a chance to dress up and attend a more formal event and use her good behavior and table manners - I am always looking for 'teaching moments'.

The 4 year old, however, would be parked at the neighbor's.

SSM

[sneezles]

I never would have thought to bring my children to such an event but then I saw it as an opportunity for Dad to be the caregiver and my opportunity to relax.

[MrsReber]

Interesting- I have brought my kids to both bridal showers and baby showers (held at someone's house, not out anywhere).

However, if I got an invitation that did not clearly state no kids, then I *might* (depending on my situation) call and ask if my children were welcome. I think it makes is much easier for everyone to specifiy on the invitation that it's adults only or maybe "ladies only" if it's a ladies tea. I think that saves the guest the trouble of wondering "can I bring my child?" and it saves the hostess the awkwardness of having to say no. Then it's entirely up to the guest to attend or not attend.

As someone who brings her kids almost everywhere due to lack of sitters and a DH who is sometimes less than helpful, it would help me if an invitation was specific and left no doubt as to whether or not my children were welcome. I know it might sound weird to some- but most of the events I go to are with friends who have kids so I usually bring mine. The last bridal shower I went to, we had 6 kids all running around together.

[mrswaz]

Along the lines of what MrsReber said- be specific on your invite, and I would specifically say "adults only" versus "ladies only." My thought there is that growing up that would have been something my Mom would have invited me along to attend. A ladies specific thing could be bent slightly to allow for older girls (I'm thinking 9 and up or so), and I think many people wouldn't think twice about it.

I also agree that putting adults only may get you a few regrets- that would be plus with so many invitations going out!

[Kay Henderson]

I am wondering if bringing children to showers or not may be local custom. I had never heard of it 'til I moved here, where women bring their daughters to baby showers.

If you are not having good luck with "adults only," perhaps the co-hosts could pay for supervision for the children (more than one person if there are very many). It sounds like you are bearing the lion's share of the cost, so that would not be unreasonable.

Kay

[syzygy]

Maybe it's generational, but if I received an invitation to an event that had only MY name on it (as opposed to "& family" or "& kids") I would never presume to bring my children -- or anyone else -- along with me.

But I guess it's better to be pre-emptive and put Adults Only. And I do echo what's been said before. Definitely not a place for children, especially with your renting china, etc. And since it's your house; your rules.

[blazedog]

Maybe it's generational, but if I received an invitation to an event that had only MY name on it (as opposed to "& family" or "& kids") I would never presume to bring my children -- or anyone else -- along with me.

But I guess it's better to be pre-emptive and put Adults Only. And I do echo what's been said before. Definitely not a place for children, especially with your renting china, etc. And since it's your house; your rules.

Etiquette hasn't changed -- but perhaps people's knowledge of what constitutes etiquette has declined.

An invitation to Blazedog X means only me
Blazedog plus Escort -- means what it says
Mr. & Mrs. Blazedog -- fairly obvious

Blazedog & family -- or at most formal events I have been invited to Mr & Mrs. Blazedog plus the names of the children invited -- how else would you tell the caterer and/or know how much to prepare for in terms of plates, silver, food and seating.

Since this is a formal occasion with invitations, the whole issue of informal occasions doesn't need to be addressed -- although again presumably good etiquette and common sense prevails -- i.e. a phone call to ask the "family" over for an open house/barbecue would be construed differently than an invitation to a dinner party, cocktail party etc.

If you have long standing arrangements with a small circle of friends, obviously people might know what the "norm" is.

[stefania4]

Maybe it's generational, but if I received an invitation to an event that had only MY name on it (as opposed to "& family" or "& kids") I would never presume to bring my children -- or anyone else -- along with me.

Ditto. I was always told it was overkill to put "adults only" (or whatever), since it should be perfectly obvious by how the envelope was addressed. And calling to ask if was OK to bring extra people would definitely have been frowned upon, since - again - the envelope makes it clear who is and is not invited.

[swquilts]

On my invitation to my birthday (50th, ugh) in 2 weeks I wrote "Adults Only Please" quite blatantly on the paper. There will be alcohol (probably lots! :eek: ) and my home is not child proofed.

The fact that it is not child proofed is well known among our circle of friends. But some of the parents still bring their little ones and then do not watch them or correct them. I had one toddler climb onto my dining room table! :mad: As someone else said....that's another story.

[Kayaksoup]

Are you saying no children/babies at all? Are you finding a sitter for your own baby? If you were doing that, you could perhaps suggest shared sitting for the children. I have no idea how showers work in other parts of the country, but the only ones I have been to here are informal and include everybody; husbands, children etc.

[erinl]

I would have to say it's more local custom than "generational". That implies that young people don't know any better/feel entitled. I grew up going to showers with my mom. All the little girls did. However, I have only taken my daughter when she was specifically invited. I'm 31, so maybe I've graduated into the older/wiser camp?

[zwieback]

As a kid, I went to showers with my mom. I don't think I've ever been to a shower where kids weren't there, epecially a baby shower. Maybe a bridal shower, but never a baby shower. But, I would also never bring my child if the invitation just had my name on it or if it specifically said "adults only" or "no kids".

[funniegrrl]

It seems there are two issues being co-mingled.

The question of "is it appropriate to have children at a shower" is separaate from "should people try to bring kids to an event to which they have not been invited."

In certain circles it may indeed be customary for children/daughters to attend bridal/baby showers. If that's the case and the children are welcome, then the invitation should include the names of the children. If, however, the invitation has only the names of the adult(s), then those are the ONLY guests invited. One should never assume that the children are automatically included or, indeed, would even be welcome.

[TKay]

When I was little, I was absolutely not invited--nor did I expect to go--to a shower of any kind with my mother. My sister is 7 years older than me and she got to go when she was close to an adult, but I still did not. That's just the way it was. I remember it being a big deal the first time I got to go.
The shower, in my opinion, is an adult party. If I were the one giving it, I would simply note, "Due to space limitations, adults only please." Or just, "Adults only please." If people have a problem with that, so be it.
Dh and I had a cocktail party to celebrate our anniversary. We specifically stated it was appetizers and cocktails. It was an evening gathering and only adults were invited. However, we did not specify "adults only" on the invitation. And, you guessed it, some people brought their kids. Our house was not childproof at the time (we now have our own kids), and we had kids running wild--inside and out. There was mud on the floor in the kitchen and all sorts of stuff I wasn't prepared to deal with. Now, no serious damage was done--except to my phyche.
My point is, specify what you want and don't feel bad about it.

[Kristilyn1]

Around here, little girls old enough to not run around breaking the joint up are typically seen at baby showers. I've never seen an invitation that excluded them and since it's the norm---I guess I'd really need it spelled out for me. I have always realized that a wedding invitation is worded to let you know who EXACTLY is invited. Showers, especially baby ones have in my experience been quite informal---and often nauseatingly juvenile----hokey decorations, really lame childish games, etc. so I couldn't really say why girls couldn't be included as well, if they actually KNOW the mother-to-be.

The only reason I bring it up is I understand that while strict etiquette says you shouldn't HAVE to say "adults only", depending on local custom--I'd say to not do it will just create needless upset. If your co-hosts are worried about it---they should put their heads together and come up with an idea to arrange for babysitting for the parents who need it. I see nothing wrong with wanting an adult only event and anyone who pushes it, is just plain rude in my opinion and should probably be told so in no uncertain terms. "As a hostess I have decided I want an adult only event, period. I hope you will be understanding and instead of trying to work around it, just work with me".

Kristi

[DanaSD]

We were recently invited to a holiday party - it was a midafternoon cookie party. The invitation was addressed to myself and my husband. Since it didn't say family or mention my son's name I assumed it was adults only and we arranged for a babysitter. We show up and the first thing the host does is ask where my son is?

I would be specific and write adults only, please. I've had too many people not understand that they should check with the host first. New Member wine and cheese event, Valentine's day progressive dinner party, etc. Do these sound like kid events? no, get a babysitter and enjoy some adult time.

[wallingjan1]

I would not dream of bringing my daughter to an adult only function. I love my grown-up time as much as the next person. That said, I think that for an afternoon baby shower, you would really need to spell that out. All the baby showers that I've been to (not necessarily bridal, thats different) have welcomed children. Having children is what a baby shower is all about, especially in the afternoon.

I wouldn't be offended if I couldn't bring kids, but I would feel terrible if you were upset and offended because I wasn't clear that I shouldn't bring them (Although I would call to clarify first. and for what it's worth, my daughter is extremely well supervised and would love to be part of festivities.

Pam

[honeygirl1971]

I agree with the others that say that in theory you shouldn't have to specify that it is an adults-only event, but the fact that it's a baby shower and your friends certainly know YOU have a baby makes me think you DEFINITELY need to spell it out on the invitations. I think there's nothing wrong with having an formal, adults-only baby shower (sounds very nice, in fact), but I do think that there will be people who won't be expecting that.

[MrsReber]

I still say specify it on the invitation. For my wedding, we did not specifically exclude children. We didn't include them on the invitiation, but if someone asked if they could bring a child, we said yes. The reasoning behind this was that we had about 10 kids there who were very close family so it wasn't like we weren't having kids there.

I was invited to a shower where DH was supposed to come home to watch the kids. Well, he "forgot" (conveniently) what time to be home and I had to take them along. The hosts were literarlly thrilled to have kids there. There were other kids, along with the expectant mother's older child. The hostess's kids were all grown up, but she had toys out that she kept for visiting kids.

So really, you just never know what's going through someone's mind- someone who brings their kids to all their friends' functions is going to think it's okay to bring them. Since you're dealing with a shower where you may not personally know many of the guests, I would absolutely be specific on the invitation.

The question of what's considered proper etiquette can hardly come into play when you're dealing with so many guests, many of whom you don't know. Again, I would spell it out and not feel bad about it. Then your intentions are clear, you won't get any calls asking "but can't I bring my baby??" and you won't be put in an awkward position where you have to say no.

[ChristyMarie]

***Update***

Well the other hosts have agreed to the no children rule. *whew*

No I just have to wrap my arms around the budget and the logistics of making tea sandwiches for 40.:eek:

Thank you all for your advice.

[hollysmom]

Sams has those cute little quiches and the frozen mini crean puffs.

SSM