help with friend's infidelity

[ThinlyVeiled]

OK, so not infidelity, really, but ooky just the same.

(I'm obviously posting under a pseudonym in the interest of anonymity, but I don't really care if you guys know who I am.)

Anyhoo, over the weekend, my DF had a bachelor party. It was coed, so I was there along with a few other very close female friends and a lot of guy friends. Party was great. Everyone had fun. Friends flew in from all over the country.

DF and I shared a hotel room with our two best friends from college, a married couple. The wife and I were almost asleep when her husband came to the room after hanging with the dudes in another room. Wife falls asleep. Husband (let's call him G.) is very drunk and wants to keep chitchatting, so I stay awake with him for a little while. Some time later, DF comes in and promptly falls asleep next to me. I fall asleep.

I wake up fitfully because I dreamt that a cat was crawling across me, and I thought I kept hearing me name. Turns out to be G., who has laid down on the floor between the beds and has gotten his hand up under my covers and is very very lightly stroking my thigh and butt. And whispering my name over and over. I'm half asleep, more annoyed than anything, and roll over closer to DF, who is totally out. This keeps happening for about 2 hours, it seemed like, and I kept rolling out of the way and pretending to be asleep. Eventually he got up and went to the bathroom and came back and got into bed with his wife, and I thought it was done. Then I hear my name again, over and over, finally ending with a request to take my shirt off.:eek: I stayed "asleep".

OK, so the problems with this are obvious, but the solutions are not. I am highly peeved that I have been dragged into this. Highly peeved that now I feel weird around my good friend. Highly peeved that he had the nerve to grope me while I was in bed with my fiance the night of his bachelor party, and in the presence of his own wife.

Nothing has been acknowledged, and the friends have flown home. I have not told DF, nor have I told G's wife, nor have I confronted G. I don't know if he even remembers, but I don't know that alcohol is a viable excuse.

They are both in our wedding. She is my best friend from college, he is DF's best friend from college. We never had a romantic thing, ever. I don't know where this came from. I'm 99% sure they're happily married. I'm 50% sure it would break the wife's heart, and 50% sure she would roll her eyes and think it was funny.

I'm 100% sure DF would flip.

I'm tempted to wait until after the wedding, when it's more distant for me. I'm tempted to not say anything to anyone. I'm tempted to just confront G. I'm tempted to just tell DF. I'm really really reluctant to tell the wife, but wouldn't I want to know if it were me? I don't know.

Anyway, those are the details. I'd love some advice.

[ThinlyVeiled]

BTW, I don't feel like I've been victimized or molested or anything, I don't reallyt care that someone touched me. It's the other stuff that I'm in a tizzy about.

TIA.:mad:

[helios7]

I admire your calmness, but I think there are much bigger issues afoot here.

Even assuming there were large amounts of alcohol involved (typical for most bachelor parties and the only possible - not excusable but possible - out here), the fact that someone would make these advances in a room with 3 other people one of whom is his wife is horrendous. I wouldn't be so quick to assume that it is a happy marriage - his actions speak to major issues.

And also, hello, feeling your body under the covers? Major major issue for me here. In your case, I would never be alone with this person again. I would tell my fiance, I would remove him from our wedding party (or at the very least arrange a confrontation with all four people involved) and I would support my friend as she faces (again generalizing) the demise of her marriage.

I may be speaking very strongly here, but if I learned my husband behaved this way, I would be at the very least in MAJOR counseling with him but most likely consider ending the marriage. Marriage is based on trust... and this man violated that in many ways.

I hope my words aren't too strong, but I think you need to think about taking more action here. But again, I don't know the people involved. It's your call.

Editing to add that this kind of news does not keep well with time. Waiting until after your wedding to talk to your friend may endanger your friendship with her. If valuing your friendship is your primary goal, I wouldn't wait.
Good luck....:eek:

[Curiosity Hears]

I am not sure why you didn't slap his hand and say loudly what the he_l do you think you're doing!?! at the time it first started happening. I would not have been able to stop myself from this reaction.

Going forward I would absolutely tell DF. Getting married with a big secret like this is not a good way to start things off. Ask him what he thinks you both should do.

Sorry this drama is unfolding at such a happy time of your life.

Best wishes.

[Jalapeno]

I would have knocked that guy silly!!!!! I don't care how drunk he was.

Sorry but for the life of me I don't know why you let that go on for 2 hours.

As a VERY soon to be bride I would tell my fiancee.

[Angelina]

I would tell him ASAP. And like the others, I would have started screaming like a banshee, woken everyone up and slapped him silly. Then throw him out of the window or something. How dare he?????

I don't care how drunk he is.

Also, if you tell your fiance, he might ask you why you let him do that...

Angela

[Robyn1007]

I agree with Angelina, you should tell your DF asap. The longer you wait the more likely he will dream up the "You must have liked it since you didn't tell me" issue which is something you don't want. Don't hide anything from him so that you start your marriage in the best possible way.

[Gilgamesh37]

FWIW, I would have done exactly the same thing you did. And I would have found myself in exactly the same quandry that you're in now. And I'm gonna go against the grain here and I'm sure I'm going to get blasted for it, but so be it. It was annoying and unwelcome, but he didn't violate (and frankly, IF he was drunk and not thinking clearly, really, he could have been a lot more physically forceful than he was, which by your description is more just sort of....tedious) you in a way that would make me (personally, YMMV) flip out. And if it's going to make DF flip, I wouldn't tell him. Really, what's the point? What would you hope to accomplish with that? What I might do--and this is just me---is sometime in or around the wedding, when male friend is entirely sober, I would probably take him aside and give him the stern "Look, that was entirely uncool and I don't know if you remember it and I don't care but it was not cool and it will not happen again, period." And I would leave it be. But that's me. You have to decide what you're going to be okay with.

PM me if you'd like.

[CompassRose]

I agree with Gilgamesh; there's no point in making it an issue with your fiance -- but G -- has a problem. I know you say you "don't feel molested" and you may not care (and I can sort of see that, since he didn't actually get anywhere) but you know what? That is unacceptable behaviour no matter how much he had drunk, and whether or not YOU didn't care, what is he going to try with the next woman he finds himself conveniently placed next to? You were, in fact, molested.

A$$. HOLE. Take him aside, when there can be absolutely no question of him being "of sound mind", and blow him a new one.

[Debralynn]

Sad to say, but this is most likely not the first time this guy has done this kind of thing. (Hitting on other women) If he has the balls to do this with his wife in the room, maybe she knows about it and doesn't WANT to see it. Most married people who are chaeting, never want to admit that the other one is cheating. They know, but don't want to know. What will it help by telling your firend about her husband? It's not going to change him. Why hurt your friends feelings?
then again, The guy was drunk, maybe he got a wrong signal from you. ??
In the future, don't share hotel rooms with anyone but your honey. It's much safer that way.
Keep the peace between all of you.
***Some day when you get this guy alone and he is sober, bring it up, remind him that you are a lady and demand an apology for his inappropriate actions. -Debbie

[Gecko]

I also think that you should tell your DF. I am not sure what I would have done at the time, but I would not have put up with it. Either the glass of water by my bed would have ended up on his head - let him explain how he got wet, and what he was doing on the floor. Or I probably would have gotten up and pushed DF over his the other side. It would have been hard for this guy to explain fondling his best friend.

[MikeC]

Well, I'm astonished. :confused: You don't feel like you've been victimized or molested? Then what do you call what he did for 2 hours?

I really don't know what to tell you to do now. If you tell your fiance, he's probably going to be (1) outraged at his friend, and (2) surprised/incredulous that you let this go on for two hours without saying anything.

If you're going to say something, I'd say it now. I wouldn't wait until after the wedding.

Good luck.

[honeygirl1971]

This is a really uncomfortable situation, and it's hard to know what to say since we weren't in your shoes when it happened...but, given what you've said about the incident, your feelings about it, your relationship with these people, and the fact that they are both in your wedding, I *think* I'd do what Gilgamesh said. I'd take him aside, tell him you are going to pretend it never happened for everyone's sake, but that it was totally uncool and it better not EVER happen again. Sorry you have to deal with this. :(

[HejazSunKat]

I wouldn't have been able to sleep with this drunken lout on the floor calling my name and reaching his hand up under the covers. I probably would have gotten up, woken DF and the wife up and said something like: "Let's get Jack (@ss ) into bed he's obviously had a few too many and his talking is keeping me awake" then I would have done as Gilgamesh and CompassRose have recommended: Take him aside when he's stone cold sober, tell him what he did and make sure he knew how pissed off I was. I would not tell DF because I wouldn't want to have to deal with some tedious expression of Alpha male-ism. I really don't consider this some "BIG SECRET" that's going to destroy the whole fabric of the future marriage. This would cool my friendship with this couple big time though. There are problems here, either with alcohol, their marriage or both and I wouldn't want to be in a position of that much intimacy with them ever again.

[ThinlyVeiled]

Thank you for all of your thoughts. I was expecting the replies in the tone of "How could you let this go on for two hours? I would have jumped up and down screaming and ended my friendship with him and ended the marriage between them". Because that's exactly how I would have replied before I found myself in this situation. (Although, frankly I'm surprised and disappointed at the folks who are insinuating that I did something wrong by pretending to be asleep...think of the implications for other women in more serious predicaments!)

For the people who replied otherwise, thank you for understanding that there are some more subtle aspects to this. I'm really looking for advice from people who may have found themselves in a similar situation.

Oh, and thanks also to the person who thinks I gave him reason to do what he did. Next time I'll fall asleep less provocatively.:rolleyes:

[ChristyMarie]

Well, it is over now so questions of what you should have done are pointless. In fact, I probably wouldn't have known what the heck to do - especially if I didn't feel threatened. I'm sorry he put you in that position.

As far as what to do now....I think it depends on just how drunk he was and how often he gets that drunk. It sounds to me like a really wild night, a lot of alcohol and a guy who just wasn't sure what was what - because if he wanted to do something he wouldn't have stroked your thigh for 2 hours. I'm guessing he was semi-passed out and really out of it. Yes, giving him the benefit of the doubt here but it doesn't sound like he's ever done anything inappropriate before. Alcohol can do weird things sometimes.

I would probably let it go UNLESS something happened again. And I would not be alone with him regardless.

Something like this happened at my good friend's wedding. Her new husband (who NEVER drinks) got pretty toasted. At the end of the evening when everyone was saying their goodbyes, he came up to me, told me how beautiful I was and kissed me!!! I was too stunned to do anything. Now, he had never done anything like that, has never done it since. What good would telling anyone have done? He was drunk, emotionally high from a fabulous day and not thinking straight. I still have never been alone with him but I don't feel weird about it.

I did, however, tell my DH who had the same reaction as me. However, I knew he wouldn't think much of it - your DH may be different and only you can decide if you should say something.

I think you can chalk it up to way too much alcohol and move on - but just be aware of him and make sure if anything does ever happen again you speak up - LOUDLY - right when it does.

[mst]

No matter what, your friend is going to pretend he was too drunk to remember. What other choice does he have to save face?

As for your fiance- tell him. You are about to commit your lives to being partners. This is a touchy situation. For better or worse, the two of you need to decide how to handle this, as it could effect your future relations with both of your best friends. IMHO, this is why people get married. To be partners and deal with life together- for better or worse. If you keep this from your DF, who are you protecting? G? Who could you be hurting? DF. I would deal with this as a family, and I would not risk my marriage over it. You are becoming lifetime partners- start now.

As for your wedding day? Less important than your marriage. KWIM?

[ChristyMarie]

MST, but we never tell our spouses everything. First of all, it just isn't possible to relate every single thing that happens in a day. Second of all, sometimes we withhold information to spare feelings.

I think the question is what is to be gained by telling her DF? I certainly don't tell DF every time I get hit on - what's the point?

I do know that if she decides not to tell her DF she shouldn't tell ANYONE as having this get back to him through other channels would be very very bad.

[Gilgamesh37]

Honestly, I wouldn't tell DF either. She already said he would flip out. It doesn't sound like there's a long history of this behavior, and who knows what alcohol-soaked thoughts were percolating in this guy's brain. Yes, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, because there have been times when I've done completely inexplicable stuff while drunk and I would be mortified (although admittedly culpable) if someone had taken that one episode and blown an entire relationship apart because of it. (to wit: when we were dating, DBF woke up in the middle of the night one night and found me sitting naked, asleep, in the back of his closet. Um, WTF? I had no clue what thought process had taken me there--eventually I did remember, but it still made no sense, KWIM?) I'm with HejazSunKat that this wouldn't tear apart hte fabric of my marriage (and yes, we've been in similar situations on both sides) but only ThinlyV can decide her own comfort level. Me, I would call G on the carpet, but I wouldn't tell DF, because it sounds like that's going to make a huge tempest out of something that in my mind is fairly minor.

[helios7]

Thinly Veiled,

I am about to PM you.

[MrsReber]

Sounds like he was trying to see how far he could push it. If you consented, he probably would've gone along. But yeah, an "oooops! Did I drop my cold glass of water on your head?" (or even a whole pitcher) was definitely in order.

Tough call. I can see the point of telling DF, only because you're agonizing over this and it may help to discuss it with your presumed best friend. But then again, if it'll only make him crazy and angry, nothing will be resolved.

Good luck- I give you a lot of credit for putting up with it for that long. Sadly, I agree, it's most likely not the first time. The person I feel for the most is your friend.

[boisewinesnob]

just a thought:
I'm curious about the possibility that G and wife might have an ahem, "open" marriage. I mean, seriously, why else would he have felt it was OK to do all this in the same room with his wife and your DF? Even if he was drunk, he was aware of who else was there, and he was saying your name. He wasn't really even trying to hide it.

[mst]

Christy- you are right- I don't tell my husband minute details. But, if his best friend groped me- that is not a small thing. I spare his feelings when he has a zit, but if he gets a bad haircut, I tell him so that he does not return to that person. There are the things that don't matter, and the things that do. Each person needs to decide what matters to them.

Since thinlyveiled went through the effort of creating an alternate identity to post about this issue, makes me feel as though it is something that matters to her, and therefore is something that she should share. And, your point about not telling other people- she already has. (Not that I think anyone would search out her husband and tell him, but...)

I know that if my best friend hit groped my husband, I sure as heck would want to know about it. I would be more furious with him for not telling me, than I would be with her for doing it.

As for men hitting on me, yep, I tell my husband!:p I like him to know that I still have it goin' on!;)

[Grace]

I'm sorry, but I believe by not stopping this person, you are inadvertently encouraging his terrible behavior. If you allowed him to continue this for two hours (or any amount of time), it says to him you didn't mind, and in his mind, perhaps led him to believe you were waiting for him to go to the next step. Of course I don't know what was in this guy's mind, but it's clear that you weren't clear about letting him know in no uncertain terms that his behavior is unacceptable. If he doesn't feel like you minded, then he will continue to believe that there was nothing wrong with what he did and perhaps try again on someone else. Which does no one any good. Not him, not his wife, nor the next person he may try it on.

I think it's important to confront bad behavior. Maybe not make a huge ordeal out of it, but I would have sat up, and told him to knock it off, get his hands off me, and get back in his bed or else. If he had quietly done so, then no one need necessarily know and I could just forget about it. I can attribute some bad behavior to stupid drunkenness, but by allowing him to grope you for two hours only led him to believe you liked it and wanted it - I mean what other possible conclusion would he make? (I'm not saying you DID like it - I know very clearly you didn't - I'm only saying that his mixed up mind would have to come to that conclusion).

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is how I feel.

[HejazSunKat]

I wouldn't tell DF, because it sounds like that's going to make a huge tempest out of something that in my mind is fairly minor.

Honestly, it seems pretty straightforward: The guy was drunk. People do incredibly stupid things under the influence especially if, as I suspect, this guy either has a problem with alcohol, there are problems in his marriage or both. He groped an adult not an innocent, virginal birthday girl at her sweet sixteen. I'm sure this isn't the first time in her dating career that ThinlyVeiled has had to fend off a drunken lout so why do some of us not give her credit that she is adult enough to do damage control in this situation? Ok she was in a quandry about what to do when it was happening so she lay there for 2 hours hoping he would come to his senses and it would stop. Arguably the wrong thing to do but it happened. Next time she sees him she reads him the riot act and backs off the friendship. I'd make sure I was never with him in similar circumstances in future and I'd make sure he knows that if he ever comes on to me again I'd scream so loud his wife would come running.

[TKay]

What's done is done. You made the best decision you could at the time. Whether you'd do things differently given the chance is really beside the point now. What I'd suggest is that you do what's going to work best for you and forget the implications. If you need to get it off your chest and tell DF, then do so. If he flips, that's his thing. If it impacts your other friendships, well, that's unfortunate. But if it's going to eat at you to keep it inside, by all means, let it out. If it's going to make you feel better to confront G, then do so. If that's not going to resolve anything for YOU, then let it go.
I would trust DF to be on your side and do what's best for you and your relationship. Of course he's going to want to protect you and lash out at this guy. I'd encourage you to have faith in him. If you think it's best for your relationship to tell him, then do it. But you can't control his reaction to it.

Good luck. I'm sorry you're in this awful situation. Yuck.

[BarbaraL]

I'd probably tell the guy privately that he is never to behave like that toward you again. I'd also like to hear his explanation of what the h$ll he was thinking. I don't think I'd want to upset my DF or his wife if his behavior has always been acceptable except for this incident. Also, DF might wonder why you allowed it to go on for 2 hours and his wife might "blame the victim."

But only you know how you feel and know your DF. If it's going to bother you, tell DF.

[Gilgamesh37]

This keeps happening for about 2 hours, it seemed like, and I kept rolling out of the way

:mad: Okay, I'm sorry, I really don't mean to beat a dead horse here, but it is really REALLY bothering me that so many people are hanging up on the "how could you let this happen for TWO HOURS" thing. What I took the above quote to mean was "I was half asleep and a bit lit up myself and I don't really know how long it went on, but it sure seemed like a long time and it was really annoying." God knows when I've had a few drinks and am half-awoken from a sound sleep, all I want is for the annoyance to stop so I can go back to sleep. I have almost no sense of time in that situation--10 minutes can seem like forever--and I assumed TV was saying the same. Not to presume to speak for her, but I don't think this honestly went on for 2 hrs. And it kind of irks me that this is the factor that everyone seems to be focusing on, when she specifically asked for opinions on what she should do now

climbing off soapbox

[AvrilH]

Yucky situation. IMHO - it was a sexual assault. IMHO - it was also an infedility. I recall an episode of 6 feet under where brenda agrees to "watch" for her hooker friend bc the John liked it. My DH asked "Do you think that's cheating?" While I pondered his question, he said "She is participating in some other guy's fantasy! Of course it's cheating!"

I'm not saying you did anything wrong at all - you were an unwilling party, clearly. But that guy is a cheater and a sneak. It would likely risk your friendship with his wife, but I think you should tell her. Drunkenness excuses nothing.

[honeygirl1971]

Gilgamesh, I've been thinking the same thing...

I agree with BarbaraL and TKay too.

I was in a sort of similar situation once, but I did not have a boyfriend at the time so I didn't have to wonder whether or not to tell him. A very good friend's boyfriend kept making passes at me while we were all out barhopping (and he in particular was pretty drunk--much more so than the rest of us), and when he wouldn't stop, I did take my friend aside and tell her. Their relationship was on the skids already, and this was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back. She apologized profusely to me for his behavior, and had a huge fight with him. BUT, even though she kept saying it was not my fault and she was so sorry, she did still hold it against me for a while (she even admitted this later). I think "blaming the victim" or the "messenger" or whatever is sort of human nature sometimes. :rolleyes:

So, anyway, only you can decide what you should do here, since you know the parties involved, but if you DO decide to tell your friend, I do think you should be prepared for her to be upset with YOU, as unfair as that is. That doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her if you decide she should know, but it's probably not going to be welcome info and she may have a hard time dealing with it.

As for telling your fiancé, obviously if you tell your friend you should tell your fiancé too. If you just confront G, then you may decide it's not worth it to tell DF. Good luck sorting through all this, it really is crummy and I'm sure it's the last thing you want to deal with right now! :(

[jmarie]

Had something similar happen to me years and years ago. My EX-husband, went to bed and passed out and the party went on. I rarely drink and didn't that night and the neighbor stayed after everyone left and hit on me. He had quite a bit to drink. Me, thinking I had to be the polite hostess, I put up with his obnoxiousness antil he finally left. (His DW had left earlier and gone home to bed. (They lived next door)

The next day he thought he would persue it a bit further. When I explained that I was sober and remembered everything from the night before, he was astonished. He took it upon himself to never be in my company again.

Perhaps you could talk to him and tell him that he couldn't have been too drunk for it to go on as long as it did, that you resent it and that it is something you will NEVER forget...that it has really tainted the good/happy feelings that you felt for him.

Maybe in a sober moment, he will realize what this behavior could cost him and will not do it again?

[newcook]

Honestly, it seems pretty straightforward: The guy was drunk. People do incredibly stupid things under the influence especially if, as I suspect, this guy either has a problem with alcohol, there are problems in his marriage or both. He groped an adult not an innocent, virginal birthday girl at her sweet sixteen. I'm sure this isn't the first time in her dating career that ThinlyVeiled has had to fend off a drunken lout so why do some of us not give her credit that she is adult enough to do damage control in this situation? Ok she was in a quandry about what to do when it was happening so she lay there for 2 hours hoping he would come to his senses and it would stop. Arguably the wrong thing to do but it happened. Next time she sees him she reads him the riot act and backs off the friendship. I'd make sure I was never with him in similar circumstances in future and I'd make sure he knows that if he ever comes on to me again I'd scream so loud his wife would come running.


I agree with this, but I would also approach DF with a general type question something like "how do you think we should handle it if a situation comes up that was really stupid but telling about it wouldn't help. Do you think we should just handle it and let it go, or do you think we should tell one another about it anyways" Then I would wing it from there depending on his reaction.

If a similar situation ever came up where you were sharing a room with this couple, I would sleep with DF between me and him.

[BarbaraL]

:mad: Okay, I'm sorry, I really don't mean to beat a dead horse here, but it is really REALLY bothering me that so many people are hanging up on the "how could you let this happen for TWO HOURS" thing. now

climbing off soapbox

I did not mean at all to imply that Thinly Veiled had done something wrong; my point was that her DF might misconstrue why she didn't stop it immediately. I've been hit on in my younger days by drunken friends, and it's always a shock and always hard to know what to do. I was hosting a party once, and a friend started to act inappropriately. Trying to be the "good hostess", I was deflecting his advances while trying to remain cool and not make a scene. DH walked by, and I snagged his arm and brought him in to the conversation until the guy moved on. Turns out, another guest had observed the whole situation, but hadn't come over because he thought maybe I liked it (!!!) - because I hadn't screamed or had a hissy fit or something. I guess moving away from the guy and grabbing my husband wasn't enough of a clue for this guy (the one watching), or maybe guys just think differently (they'd love the situation to be reversed maybe?). Maybe I'm too "polite" for my own good, but I didn't see making an embarassing scene, and ruining the party. The (original) guy never behaved that way again, and I honestly don't think he remembered what he did.

[erinlovesmarc]

Thank you for all of your thoughts. I was expecting the replies in the tone of "How could you let this go on for two hours? I would have jumped up and down screaming and ended my friendship with him and ended the marriage between them". Because that's exactly how I would have replied before I found myself in this situation. (Although, frankly I'm surprised and disappointed at the folks who are insinuating that I did something wrong by pretending to be asleep...think of the implications for other women in more serious predicaments!)

For the people who replied otherwise, thank you for understanding that there are some more subtle aspects to this. I'm really looking for advice from people who may have found themselves in a similar situation.

Oh, and thanks also to the person who thinks I gave him reason to do what he did. Next time I'll fall asleep less provocatively.:rolleyes:

I agree with you....until you're actually in a situation there is no way of telling for sure 100% what you would do...I used to say "I would never do this - I would never do that" and then I was in a situation and I did the complete opposite so I have since stopped that...

I don't have any advice to give except to say that you should take other people's advice with a grain of salt...only YOU know your situation, yourself, DF, and friends in question...take what applies and forget what doesn't...

[TKay]

I don't have any advice to give except to say that you should take other people's advice with a grain of salt...only YOU know your situation, yourself, DF, and friends in question...take what applies and forget what doesn't...

Ditto that.