In-Law Birthday Question

[SDMomChef]

Sorry - another in-law thread! I'm also hoping that ChristyMarie weighs in on this question!

My MIL drives both of us crazy - she is quite a drama queen, which I know stems from depression and other mental health issues. She has an "all about me" attitude. I got along better with her before kids, and now after kids - things have gone downhill - I didn't exactly like it when the kids were toddlers and she was trying to have them say "you love grandma the best".

Sorry - got off on a tangent. Anyway, it was her birthday yesterday. I bought her a present, had the kids make her cards, and all DH had to do was deliver the present and cards to her yesterday because I had long-standing plans with my wine club yesterday evening. DH blew it - he forgot to deliver the present and the cards.

Now, he wants me to call MIL because he's too busy and because I was planning on calling MIL anyway to invite her to the kids Spring program at school. I am afraid that if I don't do it, he will forget to call her at all - including about the spring program - and I think it is important for the kids to have as many family members there for them, and yet, it's his frickin mom - that should be his responsibility! DH has meetings after work tonight and tomorrow....but he could call him during the day. So, do I nag the crap out of DH to do it or do I just do it and get the earful about how we just don't care about her, blah, blah, blah.

[barbara-cook]

I say call her and get it over with. MIL's can be so .... different. My first was like yours, may she rest in peace. My second one is just wonderful. In this case, though, I guess I would just call, explain what happened but do not under any circumstanced blame your husband (because we all know that sons can do no wrong! especially my ex!). Just tell her you had her gift all set, the kids made her cards and they got left behind in the busy shuffle that makes up your lives and then RUN everything over there immediately. Let her get it all out of her system and then go home and forget it.

And you can add your "you love Grandma best" to my thread of things that parents say that really bug you.....

Best wishes,

[clairea]

I don't think you do either. Have an honest discussion with DH about what you need from him with respect to his family, and why you think it is important (your kids need to see them being involved, his mom's feelings will be hurt if her birthday isn't acknowledged, etc.), and what you are willing to do. Then, let him decide what he wants to do and take it from there. If you nag, or continue to take the burden on yourself and resent it, then your MIL is just going to become a big issue between you and DH. I wouldn't let her have that kind of position in your marriage, IMO (and I have fought that battle myself).

Honestly, your DH may feel differently about how involved he wants his parents to be in your lives, and this may be his way of dealing with it without having to come right out and say so. I think your kids are early-elementary age? In any event, at that age they are old enough to understand that different people do different things in terms of spending time, expressing affection, etc., but that doesn't mean that they don't all love them. It is all in how you "sell" it, and I think it is a lot easier to convey a positive message to kids about people if you aren't constantly harboring resentment toward them.

Now, off to do some deep breathing before my own MIL and FIL come this weekend -- it will take me the next 4 days to get over my anxiety attack;)

[BucknellAlum]

Well, I see barbara-cook's point that it would be one way out to suck it up and call MIL and get it over with, take the high road, etc.

But it is your DH's mother's birthday, and he screwed up. Will she be upset with him if she doesn't get a call from her son? I think he could spare 5 minutes to mention that he forgot the gift, and invite her to the spring show.


Or is something else going on there in his head? Is he trying to avoid having his mom at the spring show?

[SDMomChef]

He also forgot to even CALL her yesterday! No...the only thing going on is that he doesn't want to have to hear the story about "poor me...you couldn't even remember my birthday" and then listen to the litany of whatever is her latest problem. I could do it - I just don't want to either....

[BucknellAlum]

He also forgot to even CALL her yesterday! No...the only thing going on is that he doesn't want to have to hear the story about "poor me...you couldn't even remember my birthday" and then listen to the litany of whatever is her latest problem. I could do it - I just don't want to either....

Well, HE is the son, so if one of you has to hear the litany of boo-hoo, then I think he is first in line! :)

[juliew]

I let my husband deal with his family's birthdays and Christmas plans. There are no grandkids involved at this point though. I gently remind him that he may have a gift giving occassion coming up, but that's it. Well I do a bit more at Christmas. If/when he gets them something that's his responsibility. Fortunately, we are all fairly relaxed about the actual day and try to celebrate sometime around the birthday. Christmas we have figured out.

[stefania4]

Well, HE is the son, so if one of you has to hear the litany of boo-hoo, then I think he is first in line! :)
Agreed, agreed. I spent years watching this in my parents. To be honest, even as a kid I thought it was passive-aggressive of my Dad to ignore the address book left on the kitchen table AND the "call Mom" phone call reminder on my grandmother's birthday each year... but I couldn't figure out who he was being passive-aggressive against, Mom or Grandma...

[Molli526]

Well, HE is the son, so if one of you has to hear the litany of boo-hoo, then I think he is first in line! :)

I agree!!!

[ChristyMarie]

I agree that this was DH's responsibility. I'd call or email DH today to remind him to call and apologize to HIS mother.

No way would I take the blame for this one - or listen to the "poor poor pitiful me" telephone call as punishment.

[SDMomChef]

I'm a glutton for punishment - I called MIL last night - and had to listen to about how nobody cares for her, etc. But, in fairness to her, she needed to know that we had tickets for her to the kids spring program tomorrow night and that the kids would like her to be there. So, the way I figure it, DH owes me BIG TIME! :D

[testkitchen45]

Well, HE is the son, so if one of you has to hear the litany of boo-hoo, then I think he is first in line! :)

Amen!!! Your DH was ducking his responsibility, knowing it'd slide into your lap. And it did. I agree that this will become a marriage issue, not an MIL issue, if it persists--seems that you and DH need to have a heart-to-heart talk about how you two are going to handle the MIL's theatrics, b4 she continues to interfere with your kids ("you love GMa best") even more as they get older.