You see, this is why I don't like anti-depressants..

[jmarie]

Is it me or the meds? I went off of them about 2 months ago...I had reasons that I won't go into, more to do with H than the meds.

So, my counselor suggested that it would be better for me to go back on them. I still had a bunch of the 90m's....My doctor wanted to re-start me at the lowest dose 60m's....but I decided to start myself using half of the 90m's which is about 45 m, because I remember definately not liking the way I felt when I first started the 60's. So, when these are gone, I will move up to 60m.

Thing is. H had to be here yesterday working on taxes. I was fine the entire day until it was time for him to leave late last night, I kind of spilled over the tears when he was gone...but now I don't know if I am getting better or if it is the meds...:mad:

I know, does it even matter? Well, yeah it does. I would really like to think I could do this on my own and am thinking after only 4 days, I am thinking about stopping again, to see. I want to be better, I don't want the meds making me better....I want to know it is me! Does this make sense?

Can anyone help me on this?

Joyce

[Jessnc]

I just got off of antidepressants about 2 months ago. Not sure what you are taking, but I was taking Paxil and I vow to never, ever go on antid's again. I was going through a very difficult time and the meds helped me to get through it, but the withdrawal was probably much worse than how I would've felt dealing with my situation without meds.

I like to know what my body's natural response is. I did think things got confusing as to whether or not it was me feeling ok or not ok, or if it was the meds making me feel that way. I did a bit of research and the thing I read that I agreed with the most is that depression is your body's natural response to dealing with an upsetting situation. It's not something that should just be "fixed" with medication. I was dealing with grief (fiance left me), and after 8 months I'm still struggling with it a little bit, but I am so glad I'm not dependent on a medication.

I used the Yahoo group "withdrawal and recovery" for help and info on medication. I also read "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Edmund J. Bourne. I highly reccommend this book. It is a workbook type book and it really helped me to understand myself and why I respond certain ways to certain situations.

I hope this can be of some help to you and I hope you are able to deal with your situation sans medication. Good luck to you.

[BaileyJune]

Hugs to you, Joyce. I went through this exact thing and it took me several months before I stopped crying. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night crying, which is a very strange feeling. Anyway, I think I understand what you're getting at, and if I were you, I would take the meds to get you through these first few months at least.

I've never been on anti-depressants myself, but have a few friends and family members who have been, so I know a little about them. I don't think they'll make you in an artificially good mood nor will they shorten your grieving process, they just help numb the pain a tad bit.

Listen to your doctor and at least try it for a while. Good luck.

[Robyncz]

Joyce,
I feel strongly that this is one area best dealt with between you, your counselor, and your doctor. Nobody here, not even the medical professionals, is qualified to give *YOU* medical or pharmaceutical advice. If you have concerns about your dosage, your reaction to the drugs, or whether or not you should even be on them, call your team and talk to them. Be honest about your questions to get the best possible answers. And then if you do decide to stop taking them TELL YOUR DOCTOR AND YOUR COUNSELOR. They can't help you without having the whole picture.

We all have different experiences and can learn a lot from sharing them, but messing around with your meds based on other people's opinions and experiences is a very, very bad idea.

[barbara-cook]

Joyce - I whole-heartedly agree with Robyncz. I was on them for a couple of years - loads of stress at work, 2nd marriage, moving, dealing with step-kids, etc. I tried to wean myself off of them before I was really ready and it just made things worse (for me). Finally, my doctor had me cut back, week by week for about a month until I was off of them. Just as your body needs to adjust when you START taking them, it needs to adjust when you STOP as well.

It's frustrating and confusing, but with patience and your doctor helping you along, you should be fine.

Best wishes.

[Jezebelly]

Hey Jmarie, I might be way off here, so pardon me if I am. I don't have a comment on the antidepressants either way, but I wanted to say that I know how hard it is losing someone, how much it hurts and how empty, lonely and hopeless it feels. It's a tremendous thing you're going through, and if you need it, I'll bear witness to your strength and integrity and fortitude to have made it this far.

You're doing just fine and it's going to be okay sister.

[Jezebelly]

p.s. Don't get down on yourself for crying. Crying is just our body's way of washing bastards off our hearts. :D

[mcgeiger]

I was very anti-drug, but ended up on them anyway...it was the best thing that could've happened, but it took my doctor(that's a hint;) ) awhile to get the right drug and dose.

Talk to your doctor and counselor:cool:

[mgs]

If you trust your doctor, listen to your doctor.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Dealing with people going through loss as a profession, I just want to add that a lot of people think they are not getting better or are "depressed" because they crying. Crying is an outlet. Just like screaming. Crying is a totally normal way to deal with loss. It doesn't necessarily mean the meds aren't working. It is a feeling of sadness. You just want to make sure you aren't dealing with the sadness in unhealthy ways. Crying can be healthy.

That is why you see your therapist. So again I want to say, if you trust your doctor listen to him/her. If you have a question like this, call your doctor that is what they are there for.

Meg

[Gilgamesh37]

I agree with everybody else, you need to discuss this with your doctor and counsellor. But FWIW, right now, I'm not sure it matters whether it's you or the meds. You're going through a tremendous trauma & change. The meds are simply an assist to you while you heal and get yourself back together. Taking meds during this transition (or for a whole lifetime, for the people who have a chemical imbalance and need them, of whom I know many) is no different than having a cast on your leg because you broke it, and it needs extra support while it heals. You would never take the attitude of "Well, I should be able to tough it out without the cast, needing a cast means I'm weak." That would be absurd. Depression meds imo are no different. But again, it is something you should discuss with your doctor and therapist. But please don't think that at this very very early time in this huge transition that you "should" be able to do this all on your own.

[Robyn1007]

I'm going to agree with everyone here, you need to talk to your doctor about this. If these aren't the right ones for you there are others that may work better for you. I was on Wellbutrin XL for a few months and have been pretty much weened off of them but different things work for different people in different ways. If you don't like the way this one makes you feel, TELL YOUR DOCTOR! For me, the drug helped me get through some rough times and helped me deal with some issues and now I feel much better. Yes, they made me feel a bit weird in the beginning (shaky hands, no desire to eat, etc) but in the end making it through rough times without totally loosing my mind was worth it.

[funniegrrl]

Yes, yes ... please talk to your doctor. Given your description, here's a few things I noticed:

You say you went off the pills 2 mos ago, but don't say whether you stopped under supervision or just stopped on your own. Some of these meds have to be reduced gradually, under doctor supervision.
The doctor said start with 60, you decided on your own to do 45.
You cut 90 pills in half; not all pills are effective when cut.

The thing with all drugs -- ESPECIALLY things like antidepressants -- is that it's very much a trial and error process to get it right for each patient in each situation. YOU, however, should not be doing the trial-and-error process, your doctor should.

It's really important to understand that depression is a CHEMICAL problem, not an issue of charachter or moral fortitude. Most people in your situation feel they should be able to handle it on their own, blah blah blah. And, it's true, being blue is a natural condition that a lot of people don't need medical help for. We are certainly a culture that tends to reach for the pill bottle by reflex, and that's not necessarily a good thing. But, if you were on these before your current situation, then chances are this is more than just being upset about the divorce. If it's a chronic issue, then it is likely a physiological issue that can be helped with meds. If you had, say, a sinus infection, would you refuse antibiotics or muck around with your prescription because you thought you should be able to shake it off on its own?

My father, for the first time in his life, was hit with depression a few years ago. It got to the point where it seriously interfered with his life. He went on antidepressants and they basically got him back to "normal." He is old school to some degree, and probably thought deep down that depression was something you live through and "snap out of" by force of will. He now knows first hand that it sometimes takes medication to fix what was wrong; that antidepressants aren't "happy pills" but medicine to correct something gone awry.

[clairea]

Joyce, PLEASE talk to your doctor and counselor before making any decisions about this. Anti-depressants are not the answer for everyone, but for others they truly save lives. Only someone who is more intimately familiar with your medical and emotional situation can help you make the decision as to where you fall in this range.

When you say you don't want the medicine to make you better . . . maybe try not to think of it that way. The medicine doesn't make you better, it simply makes it possible for you to help yourself get better. You still have to do (and have done) a lot of hard work, but the medicine gets you physically in a place where you can do it. It is kind of like -- I know I have to exercise to lose weight, but if I had a broken leg I would have to fix the broken leg as well. Fixing the broken leg wouldn't make me lose weight, but it would get my body back in a place where I could do what needed to be done.

Also, please do be very careful changing doses on your own. Because many of these medications work by building up to a therapeutic level, this can either lessen the chances of them working effectively and at worst be extremely dangerous. If you have trouble tolerating a med at a particular dose, talk to your dr about that (and about the specific side effects that are bothering you). There may be another drug you can try, or it may be that you need to titrate the dose more slowly than others (but still under the dr's supervision).

(((Joyce)))