Anything to be done about too-rough kids?

[TKay]

Background: My boys are 5 and 7. Their cousins (boys) are 9 and 11.
We had a family get together yesterday and the boys played on the lawn. The older boys are not well-parented or well-behaved at all. They are extremely rough with each other and play to hurt. I have told them to be gentle with my kids since they are younger and smaller. My boys INSIST on playing with their cousins. They are simply drawn to them because they are older. So they play and the roughness escalates. My boys both end up in tears and despite my protestations, they just keep going back for more. When we get home, I give the kids their baths. They have red marks all over, scratches and my 5-year-old looks like he might get a black eye (it's sort of puffy and red).
I talk to my kids, saying these boys are simply too big and rough for them to play wrestling games with. My 7 year old confides that he didn't want to NOT play with them for fear of looking like a baby. I told him I would be the bad guy and forbid this kind of play next time.
Truthfully, I did my best to intervene this time around. But I kept looking like an overprotective parent, telling the kids to stop rough-housing while my brother and his wife smirked. I feel sorry for the cousins because they are sort of lost little boys. But I don't want my kids being hurt. I don't think that talking to my brother or his wife will change anything. So I guess what I'm wondering is, what can I do, if anything, to make the play nicer? I hate to forbid my boys from being with their cousins, but I HATE the way the play always turns.
This issue is one of the things that keeps me from inviting my family over much. I can't trust those kids with mine, so I just avoid them. Is this really my only option?
All opinions welcome.

[Jezebelly]

I wouldn't worry about looking like an over-protective parent. I'd rather seem like a huge shrieking hag to the entire world than for my baby to get hurt.

I would also scold the cousins directly and sternly. I'd probably intimidate them a bit too - let them know that they might be bigger than my kids - but I'm bigger than them so knock it off.

Anyway, "They" always say that kids want guidance and boundaries. Who knows if it's true? But that's what I would do.

[BucknellAlum]

I would not think you look like an overprotective parent. Some kids are just not as physical as others, it's our jobs as parents to make sure kids don't call names, hurt others, insult or make fun of others, etc.

Next time after 10-15 minutes (or however long it takes before things escalate) can you say, "hey how about playing kickball/board games/relay races for a bit now."

Find something your boys like to do and suggest that.

It sounds like the parents all want to enjoy each others company and let the kids amuse themselves. I think that given the personalities and the ages of your kids, this may not be the best plan. So you should feel justified in having to keep an eye out on the kids, or acting as the relay race judge, etc. After all, when they were toddlers someone had to watch that no one ate the Legos, etc when you had a family gathering.

I think it is important to teach your kids that they do not have to engage in this type of "play" if it makes them feel uncomfortable. That way when they are older and other uncomfortable situations come up, they have an example of being able to walk away.

It also might be helpful to have a dad/uncle, etc help out in this way, so they can see a male figure discouraging the too-physical play.

[clairea]

I can absolutely understand you not wanting your kids to get hurt. Perhaps one way to prevent this in the future would be for you or your husband to take it on yourself to provide some sort of structured activity for the kids for at least part of the time -- busy kids are less likely to be at loose ends and engage in behavior that you don't want.

[Loremma]

I would say you need to monitor your boys to make sure the play doesn't turn too rough if you don't have anything else for them to do. At only 5 and 7 they are too young to know how rough these other boys can be and are probably used to roughhousing with boys their age and can't imagine that it would hurt with these older boys.

[TKay]

Thanks for your replies and suggestions. We did bring bikes for the boys to ride, but they weren't interested. I should have brought something else for the kids to do, you're right. The problem is no matter the activity, these boys (the cousines) get outta control. When they were at our house once, we had those little hippety hop balls that the kids bounce on. The 9-year-old ended up swinging the thing by the handle, trying to hit the other kids (which he did).
I guess the bottom line is this: I need to be the "ogre" who protects her kids.

[clairea]

You have to protect your kids, and families can be difficult, but I still don't think you have to be the "ogre" about it. You know your boys want to play with their older cousins, so you need an activity that involves all of them, and you know that they tend to get rambunctious so next time you might choose something a little calmer than the hoppy-balls. Maybe you could bring some board or card games -- your youngest might need some help, but if you or DH played with them there are quite a few games that will keep all ages involved. A paper airplane contest could be fun -- there are several good books with designs and you could check one out from the library. I've also seen kids of a pretty wide age range be entertained for hours with a big box of baking soda and a big jug of vinegar, making "volcanos". These are just ideas off the top of my head, there are tons of books and websites with a lot of good ideas for activities that will keep kids of a big age range like this interested with just a little planning and involvement on your part.