Houseguest Blues

[Puppylove]

Hi All -
DH and I are in disagreement over our houseguest, DH's bestfriend "D".
D has stayed the weekend with us 3 times before with this being his 4th time.
Each time he is genreally obnoxious - a person who thinks they know way more than they actually do. So I don't really like him and I get pretty upset at least once everytime he is over. Generally it is because he does something inconsiderate: last time he decided not to sleep on the guest bed and moved to the couch where he got snot and sleep drool all over an unwashable decorative pillow. I then had to spot treat his snot out of the pillow - fun!
DH said it was "not a big deal" because the pillow only cost $8.00 - I got no sympathy and was told I was overreacting (though I didn't say anything to D)
This time DH had to step out of the house for a little bit and D took it upon himself to clean my kitchen. He washed my pampered chef stoneware with dishsoap. DH says it's "no big deal" and that I'm over reacting because I'm mad. I specifically told DH not to let D clean anything or tidy up, etc. (I didn't have time to scrub everything down). DH says I should be grateful that he cleaned the kitchen, but I don't want other people cleaning my kitchen and moving my things. Whenever he comes over it is always like my house is not good enough for him. My guest bed isn't good enough, my kitchen isn't clean enough, we have 4 fans but he went out and bought another one because those 4 weren't good enough. And DH doesn't think I deserve any sympathy which surprises me because when D isn't here he is the best husband in the world. So give it to me . . .am I overreacting or do I have a valid complaint?

[jmarie]

Did the PC have a 'patina' on it, if so, I don't think it really hurt it, if that is what you are worried about. I know the no-soap rule, but have washed mine with soap on occasion, and had no complaints about the food cooked on it tasting like soap.

Gross about the pillow, maybe you could have let DH spot clean it, or better yet, go out and find another pillow that you like and just pull out the snot-drool pillow when friend comes over and leave it there the entire weekend for him to see/sleep on.

I think that maybe, you should lighten up just a bit...it was a nice gesture for him to clean your kitchen....I know, once my SIL was in hospital and I nannied her children at her house while she was in hospital. I had a lot of spare time, so I cleaned her house (much needed as she had been sick for awhile before being admitted) She got really upset at me for doing it. She was ashamed for me to see the mess, I just wanted things to be nice for her when she came home so she could rest and not worry about her house. How could I not see what needed to be done since I was staying there. So, I would give him a break there.

And if he got you a nice fan...maybe he was just trying to be hospitable...this is your husband's best friend...I would try to find things that I appreciate about the guy and not worry about the rest. If he was uncomfortable on the guest bed, that might be a valid complaint to move.

If D is the best husband in the world, then accept his friend...And enjoy husband all the rest of the time!:D And be blessed that he is so good all the rest of the time!:cool:

[HejazSunKat]

am I overreacting or do I have a valid complaint?

First, I think we all have our boundaries and whether someone else thinks they are silly or not that should be respected. I'm very territorial about my home too. I personally wouldn't be crying over an $8 pillow (I probably would have given it the arms length, two fingered toss before cleaning a housguest's snot off it so big kudos to you! :) ) and I wash my PC stoneware with soap all the time to no ill effect (I just can't stand the idea of leftover grease and crud on a dish no matter what the PC people say) but if it matters to you it's valid. For the kitchen cleaning business I can easily see how this guy might have thought he was helping and/or trying to be a good guest by lessening the burden of his stay on you as the hostess. I would venture to guess he's never been initiated into the secret sisterhood of Pampered Chef and had no notion of their so-called seasoning theory so I would try to give him some credit for that. I'm sure he didn't realize he was stepping on your toes by offering his unsolicited help. Sounds to me like this fellow has managed to rub you the wrong way by things he's said in the past and therefore you've formed a negative opinion of him so that you're now looking at everything he does through that prism. I think we naturally overlook alot of things from people we like than we do from people we don't. He's probably not unaware of your opinion of him and maybe he is trying to get into your good graces by 'helping out'. I wouldn't automatically construe everything he does as a criticism of you. You didn't say how often he visits (this is the 4th visit in how long a span of time?) but if it's the 4th visit in 4 years I'd be inclined to put up with his occasional appearances for my DH's sake. Maybe next time he comes you can arrange a girls weekend out of town. If his visits are more regular though (4th visits in 4 months?, 6 months? I don't think I'd want ANY houseguest that frequently) I would ask DH to please respect that his visits make you uncomfortable and for the sake of peace in your marriage he needs to stay elsewhere, DH needs to go visit him or his visits need to cease.

[wwhirledpeas]

should be understanding because my DH had a childhood friend when we were first married that made me insane.

If I remember correctly, not only did I barely tolerate him, I forced dh to ask the friend to call before arriving. He stopped 'appearing' at all. We have not seen him in years and often wonder what ever happened to him.

What I have learned since - Friends are too hard to come by. The older you get the harder it is to acquire friendships....especially for my dh. I know now that I would not like if the roles were ever reversed and my husband were to be intolerant of someone that I enjoyed so. I wish now that I had tried harder with this guy.

Your DH should be "fixing" his buds infractions....clean the pillow and the like.
Can you make yourself scarce when bud comes to town? I hope your dh's bud finds a wonderful woman that you can be friends with and teach him a thing or two, soon.

[do-lolly]

My DH cannot fall asleep without a television. Maybe your husband's friend moved to the couch to fall asleep in front of a t.v. He should have moved his pillows though.

[Puppylove]

Sounds to me like this fellow has managed to rub you the wrong way by things he's said in the past and therefore you've formed a negative opinion of him so that you're now looking at everything he does through that prism.

This is exactly what's happening, but after sleeping on it I also realize that I had a really bad day yesterday and when I came home and was upset about my stoneware I would have at least liked a "I'm sorry I didn't watch my friend better."
I just feel bad about feeling so badly toward someone else - I try to show a little more grace than that, but I have such a hard time w/ D.
This morning I said to him "I saw you cleaned the kitchen counter, thank you for the thought, but I really want you to feel like you can just relax and not do work or anything when you are here for the weekend" and he said "yeah when your DH came home I told him you would probably be mad and that he should just tell you he cleaned it himself." To which DH said "Actually, I'm not going to lie to my wife about the kitchen." So . . . I was planning on going up to see my mom this weekend, I'm just going to stay the night tonight.
Thanks for the perspective, I know I was a little off. And I'm glad to hear that my stonewear should be okay.

[Kristilyn1]

yes, you overreacted. But, you don't like him, it's hard not to when you don't like someone. When they breathe it's annoying--I got ya on that!

But, to expect an apology over soaping a piece of stoneware---asking a little too much, IMO. It's not like it's an obvious thing that obviously ruined something. It was a reasonable thing to do. Wash a dish. Let's turn it around. You were trying to help someone and cleaned their windows. One of the windows had streaks on it and they demanded/expected an apology. Little extreme, no?

I'm wondering if this isn't a little of the jealous wife syndrome. A guy who's known your husband longer than you, he has inside secrets/jokes with and you are a little on the outside? Hey, the guy probably IS annoying, but you really should be glad your dh has such a good friend, for so long.

It actually makes me feel bad for him that he wanted your dh to lie to you and say that he cleaned the kitchen. That's sad that someone would feel like they had to hide that. Obviously he knows you hate his guts.

Kristi

[PAMMELA]

Does he just stay over because your DH invited him? Doesn't he have his own house? :-)

Just having a houseguest that often would bug me, let alone if I didn't like the guy. Sheesh, I want my privacy!