Help - need objective input (long)

[mmbedard]

Last night, I ran into a very old friend. This friend has been involved in a number of relationships with men that, I think, have been controlling. Well, last night I ran into her after a very long time. She was excited to introduce me to her new boyfriend. Well, her NBF is someone that I also know. Here is the problem: her NBF was in prison for about 7 years for holding his estranged wife hostage in their home and raping her while their 3 kids were screaming outside of the locked door :eek: Prior to that, the NBF's estranged wife was often injured and one time in particular, when I asked what happened, she told a group of us that he had tried to kill her by driving the car into a pole. Before anyone could pick their jaws up off the floor, he can along and made a joke about it. Now, I must admit that, at the time, no one took the estranged wife seriously because we thought this guy was just an all out nice guy. I had a very difficult time reconciling my feelings about this nice guy with the monster who did these things.

I can't imagine that my old friend knows about his past and I feel compelled to at least make sure that she is aware. I am afraid that she could be physically injured. However, before doing anything, I wanted to run it by others. Am I out of line? Has he served his debt to society by serving his time?

Another thing that bothered me last night, we were in a crowded bar in a relatively small town and I noticed a few things (1) she was with a completely new group of people (people who probably didn't know her NBF before) and her NBF stayed far away from the different groups of people who knew him and his past and (2) he was not the one to acknowledge that he knew me when she introduced us. I was the one to say that we knew each other. As a matter of fact, he seemed uncomfortable that I knew her.

What would you do? I didn't sleep well last night and while I don't want to rush into this, I feel that she needs to know sooner rather than too late.

I hope that you can make sense of my long post and would really appreciate your input.

[Robyn1007]

You absolutely need to tell her. Find newspaper articles or something to back up your story. She will have to be the one to make the decision but she has the right to know. If you didn't tell her and something happened you would regret it for the rest of your life. She may not take it well but since you haven't been in close contact I think it's worth the risk. Imagine if she is seriously injured later and then finds out that you knew of the risk and didn't tell her. That's something that can never be resolved.

[sneezles]

You absolutely need to tell her. Find newspaper articles or something to back up your story. She will have to be the one to make the decision but she has the right to know. If you didn't tell her and something happened you would regret it for the rest of your life. She may not take it well but since you haven't been in close contact I think it's worth the risk. Imagine if she is seriously injured later and then finds out that you knew of the risk and didn't tell her. That's something that can never be resolved.

I agree 100%! You must tell her because his actions that evening you met him would make me very worried about her safety!

[Natasha]

Hi Miche,

How awful! :( I agree with your feeling that you need to tell her sooner rather than later. Good luck. I know telling her won't be at all easy but IMHO it's the right thing to do.

Natasha

[wallycat]

Tell her!!!
Be prepared for her to argue and deny all of it and possibly stop speaking to you.
You can't live her life for her but you owe her knowledge so she can make the best decision for herself.

Good luck to you both.

[Jazzmatazz49]

I agree that you should tell her. He will probably convince her that you are wrong and that he is a good guy. Even though she has probably already seen the signs that he is not, she will continue to be with him. I have seen this before, and it (almost) never fails. But your conscience will be clear when he does something violent, and you might be able to get through to her, who knows.

[Gumbeaux]

What would you do? I didn't sleep well last night and while I don't want to rush into this, I feel that she needs to know sooner rather than too late.


I would tell her to have my conscience cleared when something happens to her (God forbid).

Be ready for her to say something like, "he's not the same guy now as he was back then". :eek:

[TKay]

If he has served his debt to society and has changed his ways, he won't have a problem with the truth coming out. You have to tell her. What would she think if you didn't and then something happened? Sure, she'll likely say he's changed and you have it all wrong. But you really do need to say something.
I'm so sorry you're in this position. How rotten. Good luck with your conversation.

[Curiosity Hears]

As I was reading your post mmbedard, I was thinking you must tell her and when you do so you need to have proof such as newspaper articles or she very well might not believe you.

[mmbedard]

Thank you for your responses. You have all just confirmed what I knew; now I just have to figure out how to do this. I have been looking for newspaper articles but have not found any, even though I remember reading them at the time.

[Curiosity Hears]

Thank you for your responses. You have all just confirmed what I knew; now I just have to figure out how to do this. I have been looking for newspaper articles but have not found any, even though I remember reading them at the time.

Have you tried google searching him via his name in quotation marks?

Also, many counties now have court records on line. You could do a master name search through your county court system's web site.

If in the end you cannot find anything, it might be worth the thirty dollars to have a background report done on him.

Please keep us posted.

Edited to add: just realized you are in Canada so the second suggestion may or may not be helpful.

[mbrogier]

Have you tried google searching him via his name in quotation marks?

Also, many counties now have court records on line. You could do a master name search through your county court system's web site.

If in the end you cannot find anything, it might be worth the thirty dollars to have a background report done on him.

Please keep us posted.

Edited to add: just realized you are in Canada so the second suggestion may or may not be helpful.

I think you might freak your friend out if you ran a background check on the NBF. Finding an article posted by the media for the public's information is different than digging for dirt on someone.

I most definitely think that your friend needs to be warned... But the way you approach her and what you say can really color her perception of your motives.--TBF will be trying to convince her that you're jealous or predjudiced, but I think if you just "happened" to find a newspaper article about TBF that she'll be more inclined to listen.

I'm no expert in the field, but I think that a guy that brutally rapes the mother of his children is dangerous and won't get better.

Is your name Miche? My name is Micah, and when I took French in hisgh school and college, my professors said that my Frennch name would be Michee. Small world, huh? ;)

[jmarie]

Shouldn't he be on a sex offender list? Have you tried looking there?

Good luck with your search, he may have paid his debt to society, but his behavior is not likely to have changed.

[Curiosity Hears]

I think you might freak your friend out if you ran a background check on the NBF. Finding an article posted by the media for the public's information is different than digging for dirt on someone.

I most definitely think that your friend needs to be warned... But the way you approach her and what you say can really color her perception of your motives.--TBF will be trying to convince her that you're jealous or predjudiced, but I think if you just "happened" to find a newspaper article about TBF that she'll be more inclined to listen.

I'm no expert in the field, but I think that a guy that brutally rapes the mother of his children is dangerous and won't get better.

Is your name Miche? My name is Micah, and when I took French in hisgh school and college, my professors said that my Frennch name would be Michee. Small world, huh? ;)

Good point, you just might freak your friend out if you did run a background check on him. She will be freaked enough when you share what you have to say with her.

Best wishes.

Carrie

[mmbedard]

Good point, you just might freak your friend out if you did run a background check on him. She will be freaked enough when you share what you have to say with her.

I won't be doing a background check on him. I believe that this is the only criminal record. I have known him for quite awhile and have mutual friends who knew him growing up. Suffice to say his home life, as a child, was not pretty and he has a skewed perception of how women should be treated.

I am not concerned about freaking my friend out - I hope I can freak her out enough to believe me! I am more concerned with not freaking him out - for both her sake and mine. He is very deceiving and she may not believe me at all, but I wouldn't want him to think he is losing control again then hurt her because he is being found out. I need to speak to someone who has more experience than I do with abusive men, which I will do tomorrow and I will definitely call her shortly thereafter. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks again.

[Robyn1007]

While I agree that running a background check on him isn't a good idea I also don't think playing it off as "I happened upon an article" is a good idea either. Miche, you have valuable inside information here that may save this woman's life either literally or figuratively. I think you should go about it by saying that you were friendly with both the wife and the NBF prior to the events. Be honest with her that you yourself had a hard time reconciling the person that NBF was in front of her with the things he did to his wife. The article would just be factual back up in case she doesn't believe the story.

[Canice]

I think I would call a non-profit serving abused women and ask for their advice on how to talk to your friend.

[mmbedard]

While I agree that running a background check on him isn't a good idea I also don't think playing it off as "I happened upon an article" is a good idea either. Miche, you have valuable inside information here that may save this woman's life either literally or figuratively. I think you should go about it by saying that you were friendly with both the wife and the NBF prior to the events. Be honest with her that you yourself had a hard time reconciling the person that NBF was in front of her with the things he did to his wife. The article would just be factual back up in case she doesn't believe the story.

Robyn, it is not really insider information, this guy was well liked by a lot of people before this happened! I am not so worried about telling my friend - I will approach her pretty much exactly as you suggest, but it is more how HE will react when he finds out - to both of us. It is a really difficult situation and I need to get professional advise also.

[Robyn1007]

By inside information I mean it isn't just gained by reading a newspaper. I'm glad you are being cautious about the whole thing and talking to an abuse expert is a really good idea.

[mmbedard]

Well, I spoke to someone who suggested that I not call her directly because if she didn't know and then she suddenly confronted him, that it might set him off and, that he would know it was me. It was suggested that I speak to someone else close to her, which I did.

I spoke to my friend's sister at length this morning. My friend knows about his prison record and more or less what he did to his wife. The DS and I discussed the situation for quite a while and the DS said that he is quite jealous and protective (controlling) of my friend. The DS will keep a close eye on the situation and will pay attention to any and all discussions.

While I feel relieved that I did not have to tell my friend these things about her NBF, I am also heavy hearted that she knows and I am worried that she may be in danger. I will keep in contact with the DS to know how my friend is doing, and, if she ever calls me (which I bet he will discourage her from doing) I will keep in closer contact with her.

Thanks to everyone for listening and posting your thoughts.

[Gracie]

I still think you should have told her. She doesn't have to tell him that you told her, she could just keep it to herself and watch out (so no setting him off).

If it was me I'd want to know. Directly.

Loren

[Linda in MO]

I still think you should have told her. She doesn't have to tell him that you told her, she could just keep it to herself and watch out (so no setting him off).
If it was me I'd want to know. Directly.
Loren

But the friend does know about his past...
"I spoke to my friend's sister at length this morning. My friend knows about his prison record and more or less what he did to his wife."

[mmbedard]

I still think you should have told her. She doesn't have to tell him that you told her, she could just keep it to herself and watch out (so no setting him off).

If it was me I'd want to know. Directly.

Loren

I agree, IF it was me, I'd want to know. But it's not me, and she does know about his prison record for holding his wife hostage and raping her repeatedly, and trust me, my friend does not want to hear about anything else, from me or anyone else. She is happy :rolleyes: At least this way, someone else closer to her than I am, is keeping an eye on things. Trust me, she would tell him who told her (if he didn't figure it out for himself, seeing as all of a sudden she is confronting him after meeting up with me :mad: ) In this case I feel comfortable leaving things as they are now.

[jmarie]

Have any of you ever been around someone like this? although he is dating the friend, he can become mmbedard's worst nightmare.

I have a wonderful friend who is married to a BEAST. He used to beat her all of the time. I got her away from him more than one time and got her back to her family and after a week of his begging and promises, she would come back. He didn't change.

We went on a vacation with them and after we went to bed he started hitting her because he was jealous of my husband. He had her by the hair, she was crying and he was headed to the cabinet where he pput his gun. I tried to get husband intervene, but he said it was none of his business. I finally went in and picked up a kitchen chair and threw it at him. The next day it was over for them, but I couldn't bear to stay another night.

He got mad at me once and he came down here and was driving by the house, as he was going to beat me. She called me and told me to turn off all the lights, lock the door and pretend I was sleeping. I was scared to death.
Luckily my husband came home and he "had a talk" with him and husband told him he would "straighten me out", and came inside laughing.

Anyone who gets in these people's way are going to be hurt. The friend knows about his past....she is blinded by love. And it won't do a bit of good for mmbedard to intervene at this point. I do not know what it is about these guys and honestly it scares me to death to think about getting tangled up with someone like this. My friend is an intelligent woman and you would not believe the abuse she has put up with....but she has the most beautiful diamonds around, the most beautiful jewelry, home, drives a really nice car, boat, camper, the works. I wouldn't want to live in her shoes for 5 minutes. He sleeps with a pistol under his pillow and wakes up delerious sometimes because of his diabetes. I live in fear for her life.

MMbedard, be careful. Watch from a distance and keep yourself safe.

[mmbedard]

Have any of you ever been around someone like this? although he is dating the friend, he can become mmbedard's worst nightmare... MMbedard, be careful. Watch from a distance and keep yourself safe.

Thank you, that is what I am doing. I have seen only too well how this person can fool everyone into thinking what a nice guy he is. I haven't had much contact with my friend in the last 5 years, so if after running into me she starts to question him and doubt him - who will he think is to blame? Not a position I want to put myself and my family in. Besides which, I can only make sure she knows, after that, it is up to her to make the decisions, and, your right, she is so happy right now that she doesn't see how controlling he is. I will keep in touch with her sister and keep my fingers crossed that all goes well for my friend.