Anger

[jmarie]

What is normal?

What is excusable?

Apparently husband had some problems today. I don't know what they were because he didn't discuss them with me. But apparently he and DS had a screaming yelling match this AM. I called DS to ask him a question about an appointment he has tomorrow and he told me what happened. Apparently $5,000 worth of our equipment got stolen sometime this past week. Of course it was husband's idea to store the signs and equipement in a bad neighborhood (where he now lives). When I questioned him about it, he was "Oh no one will bother my stuff." HA!

He has also had all of his rent receipt books stolen and now he doesn't know how much several of his past due tenants owe him and also yesterday, he missed a checkbook that he last used two weeks ago. I called him, not knowing that he was working and asked him if he had called the bank yet and he started ranting to me that he was working blah...blah..until I interrupted him and asked him if he would like me to handle it. He said yes and so I hung up.

So, he is stressed.....But the thing that gets me is his screaming and yelling at my son and myself and the other guys who work for us as well,if we make a mistake. I know that if one of husband's peers who work for him made a mistake, he wouldn't talk to them the way he does to us. Cursing screaming and yelling.

He called me a little while ago to deal with me. I finally hung up on him. I had to deal with the problem I created. I dealt with it and by the time he called back, yelling again about me hanging up on him, it was taken care of.

I know that he isn't my spouse any longer....but does your DH, DF or do you react in anger this way when they are stressed? And if so, how do you handle it. And he was probably mad because he had planned to fish today and ended up working.

[badunnin]

I finally hung up on him. I had to deal with the problem I created. I dealt with it and by the time he called back, yelling again about me hanging up on him, it was taken care of.


Wait, wait. Which problem did you create?

[jmarie]

None of the above. I forgot to pay the gas credit card and when the guys went to use it, it was declined because we were over balance. So, I hung up on him, called the motel gave them another credit card, paid the gas card and it will be accessable within 4 hours. It is supposed to be paid off monthly but sometimes the guys use more gas in some months than others and I forgot to look at the balance. I am supposed to keep check on the balance and when it gets close go ahead and pay it.

I have suggested paying it twice a month but no, I am supposed to keep a check on the balance and only pay it when it gets close....and I forgot.

And I know he should be angry but it is all of the foul language he uses with us that he spares others...and that is what bothers me. I could have listened to him rant for 20 minutes, but decided to hang up and take care of the problem and when he called back ranting some more, it was somewhat diffused by my saying it is taken care of and they are being checked in as we speak.

I mean lets deal with the problem and move on. When you make a mistake, aren't you busy enough kicking yourself to have to be kicked over and over by someone else? We are not allowed to speak to him in this manner, he would smack one of us for doing it, he gets in such a rage.

[LakeMartinGal]

That kind of anger and verbal abuse is not normal or acceptable! :eek: You did the right thing by hanging up. He needs help!:eek: And you're not the one to tell him so, I don't think... nothing you say, unfortunately, will help. Hanging up was good!

[newcook]

I have a co-worker who has an anger problem and she takes it out on everyone. She yells and rants and everybody. I have not been used to being spoken to that way, so the first time she did it to me, I calmly told her that I always speak to her respectfully and I expect her to do the same. I told her to wait until she calmed down and was able to speak to me correctly before coming to me again and left. Several hours later she needed a favor from me and spoke to me like a ***** cat. She only spoke to me that way one other time, I can't remember exactly how I answered her but her response was: what's wrong with you, did you get up on the wrong side of the bed? She has never spoken to me that way again, and it has been 10 years. She does still yell at everyone else though.

There is another co-worker who uses very foul language with everyone. I told him I am not a garbage can and he can toss his garbage elsewhere. Now he usually watches his language with me.

[swquilts]

Joyce, why do YOU have to pay the gas card for him? One of you can just an account in your own name.....

[bobmark226]

I mean lets deal with the problem and move on.

Like you're doing here?

Bob

[jmarie]

Thanks bob. I'll keep what you said in mind.

It is the company gas card. And it would be so much easier to pay it on the first and the fifteenth of the month....but why he refuses to do that is beyond me.

Now, he came in this evening, (we keep the trucks here) and was as nice as pie to son. It just makes me angry that he can be this way and then it's over but he never thinks how it makes us feel and how it can ruin our day. Son has had a lot on his mind for over a week, being the best man in the wedding, having to get the tuxes back today and being scheduled for a biopsy on his gums tomorrow and he didn't need the stress either.

I found out that the reason for the argument was that the company we work for scheduled extra work today and forgot to tell us... and one of the trucks wasn't ready to go out. Son had to get the tuxes back, they rented them two hours away....We aren't mind readers around here, and I don't care if it was a mistake, he doesn't have to go jumping all over us using his terrible language...He is supposed to be a Christian and my children's whole lives they never heard him utter one curse word. (They heard me say **** once when a guy rear-ended me:o ) I just don't see the point in his foul language. We have always put up with his anger, but this is way beyond that.

J

[Jezebelly]

Okay, I've read your posts for a while and most of the time you just ignore me, but I have to comment.

Why are you helpnig this guy out at all? From what I understand, he blindsided you with a divorce, lied, cheated and blah blah blah.

It's just painful reading that you're still acting like a "good wife"; taking care of whatever problem he's having, accomodating him at a wedding party etc. I'd be pleased as punch that all his stuff got stolen. I might gloat, but would never call and offer to help. I might also mention to him that his stolen stuff doesn't affect how much I'd ream him in the divorce settlement.

Stop taking care of him and his crap, and start taking care of yourself since he's not around to do it anymore.

[DebGo]

Stop taking care of him and his crap, and start taking care of yourself since he's not around to do it anymore.

what she said.

you washedHIS car for him why this past weekend??

[Peweh]

Joyce is still a stakeholder in the business until they settle so I can see why she doesn't want to just let him tank. But really Joyce I agree with those who say you're doing too much for him! Set those gas bills up to be paid on the 1st and 15th automatically and cut yourself out of that piece of the equation. It's really ridiculous the way he was having you do it, I know you agree.

[jmarie]

Okay, I've read your posts for a while and most of the time you just ignore me, but I have to comment.

Jezebelly, it has never been my intention to ignore anyone...:o I am sorry if this offended you. And I do appareciate any advice anyone has to offer. I really accomodated my son at the wedding.

Husband has always had a habit of going off and leaving me to fend for myself, but I was quite confident at this wedding and there were enough of my son's friends there, to keep me company.

I think I will go ahead and set it up. (automatic payments)

you washed HIS car for him why this past weekend??

To keep him happy. Don't forget that tomorrow is my thrid visit with a lawyer that he is totally unaware about. This past sunday he told me that he is very happy with things as they are now. Meaning us being married, living separately...We will see how long this lasts.

He called and woke me up this morning because son forgot to put a check in vehicle husband was going to drive , a check that husband wrote and forgot to pick up and his message, was We are going to have to leave, SHI!. All he had to do was knock on the door. HE was the one who wrote the check and walked off without it. Every sentence is punctuated by some sort of profanity. From the FBomb to the S word. And it is so unnesessary.

I just don't understand how someone can change so quickly. I know that he doesn't do it in front of his good friends, just we peons.

[TieKitty]

This guy is still abusing you and needs serious help!!:eek: You are stilll enabling him to act this way. My advice is to get out of this relationship ASAP and don't look back!

[syzygy]

I just don't understand how someone can change so quickly.
Oh, Joyce, he hasn't changed. Just showing his true colors... Maybe running a little scared because more than likely he really is worried that this:
This past sunday he told me that he is very happy with things as they are now. Meaning us being married, living separately...
isn't going to last and he is trying to cower you into not taking things any further. Maybe he senses -- who knows. Doesn't matter. You are doing the right things. Stay strong and don't let his bullying get you down. It's just more of the same...

[ADM]

You washed HIS car for him this past weekend?? To keep HIM happy??

Listen to what Jezebelly said: "Stop taking care of him and his crap, and start taking care of yourself since he's not around to do it anymore. Why are you helping this guy out at all? From what I understand, he blindsided you with a divorce, lied, cheated and blah blah blah."

Joyce, he treated you the same way when he WAS around. He kept pushing you more and more, because he learned that he could demean you further and get his own way.

You were, and still are, the *enabler* that sends vibes which indicate that if he continues treating you like dirt, you will give in, sooner or later, to keep peace. He continues--and you continue to give in!

You posted: "He is supposed to be a Christian and my children's whole lives they never heard him utter one curse word. (They heard me say **** once when a guy rear-ended me :o ")

They saw this *Christian* :confused: treat you horribly for 20-30 years, but you are proud of him because they never heard a curse word from him, and you are still beating yourself up because one time your children heard you say ****??

[jmarie]

You posted: "He is supposed to be a Christian and my children's whole lives they never heard him utter one curse word. (They heard me say **** once when a guy rear-ended me

I meant this to say that this is so opposite from the way that he is now....just throwing around cursing language like it is appropriate or something...I am not beating myself up about what my children heard...on the contrary, at the time,I was kind of proud to hear their gasps, when I said it....meant I must be doing something right.

I get what you say about the car. I won't wash it anymore, unless I am the one who is going to use it or I used it and got it dirty.

You were, and still are, the *enabler* that sends vibes which indicate that if he continues treating you like dirt, you will give in, sooner or later, to keep peace. He continues--and you continue to give in!

I also hear the enabler part. But I am starting to hang up on him when the abuse starts. And I am getting the divorce, I am moving right along in those areas.

I'd be pleased as punch that all his stuff got stolen. I might gloat, but would never call and offer to help. I might also mention to him that his stolen stuff doesn't affect how much I'd ream him in the divorce settlement.

It is hard to be pleased as punch about the checkbook, because it is my bread and butter right now, too. As for the other stuff, he came by this morning and saw son and told him "I don't know how I missed those signs in the truck, but they were there all along." That is what caused the big argument with son yesterday because son hadn't gotten another truck ready to go out. He was going to before it was needed but the company scheduled extra work and forgot to notify us, so son wasn't prepared. You are right. I call to help to try to gain his favor, but nothing counts when one messes up so why try. I will stop doing that as well. If he calls me for something, I will provide it because I am the bookkeeper, but I will offer nothing on my own.

You are all right...why should I try to make his life easier.

And I will get EVERYTHING I am allowed in the divorce settlement.

Thank you all...I really appreciate your insight....it isn't as much about his anger as why I allow it.

[Peggy]

Joyce - Have you thought about getting Caller ID on your phone line? That way you could screen his calls and perhaps avoid some of his direct verbal abuse. If you weren't always immediately available for him to take his anger out on perhaps he would have to learn other ways of dealing with it.:rolleyes: It would also send a clear message that you are in charge of who to speak to and when you choose to have those conversations. Just a thought. It might make him even angrier initially but the anger is really his problem - not yours, unless you allow it to be. He can be as angry as he wants but you don't have to listen to it. It appears his life is spirally out of control and he is a control-freak so this is very scary to him. You, on the other hand are moving forward and growing in the experience. He is the real loser in this situation.

Keep up the good work and move forward with the divorce ASAP!

Peggy

[jmarie]

We do have Caller ID:o . But you are so right. I just need to stop answering my phone. Problem is that he starts buzzing in on my cell phone and it is usually about business. And if it is something important, I really get yelled out. That is all he calls about, now, is business.

Last night he called and asked me to pay someone's power out of our checkbook. He gave me all of the information I needed and then while I was trying to make the call, he kept buzzing in on me, I guess because he was impatient and wanted to go home.

It made me mad because he insisted I do it, but I have that check book,right now, so I guess he didn't have a choice. But these are the neighbors who live beside him and are keeping his secrets. So, after the call was over, they offered options and more options and so I just stayed on the phone,while he kept buzzing in... then I quickly called my brother and husband ended up staying where he was 30 minutes longer than he wanted, but oh well, do it yourself next time. Some might call that passive agressive..when I finally answered the phone, he asked me what they said and I told him it would be posted in 1-3 days. He angrily said: "If I had known that, I would have taken it to a store tomorrow and done it. SHI!." When he said that I hung up. then a few minutes later he called and nicely asked if there was a confirmation number. I said Yes and he asked for it and then I hung up.

I will not put up with his bad language any longer.

[AvrilH]

Just wanted to say Good luck. I used to take stuff like that from my mother, and now take it from someone else. It completely sucks the life out of you, doesn't it?

Good for you for hanging up, but also for hanging in! I understand you are still tied to this man and have to protect your interests and stay involved. But turning your back on the rants is GREAT (Maybe you will inspire me)

[Vanessa]

Oh my gosh I am very sorry for all you are going through. Your soon to be ex is abusive Ok he is not being physically but vervally. When he starts ranting and cursing. Very clearly tell him "I don't have to take this abuse from you" TEll him he does not have to scream you are not deaf and if he continues and you are in the same room just say "excuse me I am leaving when you speak to me in a respectful way then we can talk". NOBODY has the right to scream curse and be rude to you.
Yes you have to keep an eye on business is your bread and butter but do what needs to be done and thats it. Don't wash his car don't make things easier for him. Why? Is he making things easier for you?
The caller Id is a good idea but I suspect if he calls and does not reach you he will just come over and wait til you come home. So..if its business related then answer his call and questions the minute the profanity starts tell him that is NOT acceptable behavior and hang up. Let your lawyers take care of things.
This thing that he likes how things stand now is of course good for him.
Of course he is married living apart but gets to direct his anger and frustrations at you.
About the changes he probably did change he is probably mad angry frustrated things are not going his way and there you are in the receiving end.
About the bad language I don't know him but maybe now he takes his anger on others his workers etc and uses bad language more freely?
All I have to say is be careful and take the advice of your lawyer. I recall a while ago you two were discussing not using lawyers? I think I advice you YES get a lawyer.

[jmarie]

HE said not to get a lawyer. I think I advice you YES get a lawyer. I immediately went and got one. Things may be great, for him, the way they are right now...and he thinks I will get used to everything...but I'm not and he won't.

[Jezebelly]

Joyce, I feel bad that you're here defending yourself. It's easy to say what we would do - but then we're not the ones that were heart broken and acting from a place of loving this guy who doesn't deserve it.

That said, YOU NEED SOME PERSONAL POWER SISTER!

I don't think it would be unreasonable, for leverage sake, to suggest to your atty. that the theft occurred as a potential wish-fulfillment on his part to diminish assets for settlement - given his history of dishonest dealing with you and the 2-week time lapse from when the checkbook was potentially stolen and when he "noticed" it. Also, the highly responsible way valuable property was intentionally left in a not-good area when a perfectly reasonable opportunity to protect property from exactly such a concern was presented to him by leaving it at your place.....

My point is, I'd be searching for ways to @#$% him out of anything and everything I could to try and claim a little bit of sister-power. Especially with his cruel acknowledgement about his happiness with the current state of affairs. Of course he's very happy with himself. He's got everything his selfish little heart desires with you still behaving like a good wife to him, and his diminished responsibility to you.

I hope you screw him good. And I hope you leave any future car washing and cursing tantrums to his mistress.

<hugs>
Maya

[ErinM]

I will not put up with his bad language any longer.


Personally, I think that's the least of your worries. Stay out of his life and only deal with him on joint business matters.

[jmarie]

Joyce, I feel bad that you're here defending yourself.

Oh, I don't feel like that. But I appreciate your concern. :) I came looking for advice on what is acceptable and not acceptable. I have lived in this for so long, I kind of figured once he was gone that it would change. After all, he felt pulled in so many different directions, and that was the cause of his anger before.

And I am staying out of his personal life. I am staying out of his life. Before if he stopped by, I would have sat and talked to him. today, when he laid down on the couch to relax before we had to go to the meeting with the bookkeeper, I just piled the trash in the truck and took it to the convenience center. I stayed gone until 15 minutes before the meeting, came home and got into my car and drove to the meeting without saying a word.

He was complaining about not having any money to do what he wants to do rental property wise. , I didn't say a word.....just walked on out. I guess it is expensive keeping up two families. Yup it is.