Do you and your spouse go to bed at the same time?

[cookinprogress]

I have recently discovered that the only time I can have some peaceful time to myself to read a book or watch tv is after my husband and kids have gone to bed. I actually look forward to this time, and have found myself doing it more and more instead of always going to bed at the same time as DH. He says he doesn't mind, but I'm wondering if it is normal to do this. I hope there isn't some study somewhere that says this will ruin your marriage... LOL. Do other people enjoy this quite time too, or is it just me? :o

[Canice]

DBF is an early bird and I'm a night owl, so no, we rarely go to bed at the same time.

Kind of odd to ask if it's "normal" or to think there's one answer. :confused:

[do-lolly]

I will be interested to hear the replies too. I believe that most couples are comprised of one morning person and one night person. Most couples that I know are this way. It has always taken me longer to fall asleep than DH, and for most of our marriage, I have gone to bed later than he does. When the kids came along, I really started to enjoy the time that the kids and hubby are in the bed. I TiVo everything, and this is the time that I watch all my shows. It's really my favorite time of day. DH goes to bed around 10 and I usually climb in around 11:30 or 12. Of course he is up with the sun and happy as can be and I struggle to get out of bed. It doesn't matter what time I go to bed though, I still manage to stay awake until late. I've always been this way. :o

[TKay]

Our schedules have shifted over the years. I used to be an absolute night owl, staying up late reading before bed. Dh used to get up extremely early for work, so he'd conk out long before I did (even though technically, we were IN bed at the same time). When our kids came along, I found I couldn't keep my eyes open at night since they were morning birds too. Since dh is now working long hours and going to school at night, he often stays up really late doing homework while I fall asleep on the couch. He then wakes me to go to bed when he does. So I guess you could say that technically we always GO to bed at the same time, but we don't go to to sleep at the same time.
FWIW, I used to adore my time alone before bed. I really miss it. When dh and I first got married, we used to joke that he displaced the stack of books and magazines that occupied the other side of my bed. Truth be told, I miss that old pile of reading material. :rolleyes:

[Grace]

I don't know that there is a "normal" - whatever is acceptable to you both is all that matters.

DH and I nearly always go to bed at the same time (except if one of us is sick, has a bad headache or something like that and wants to go to bed early). We live in a small house though, with the bedroom pretty much right off the living room, so if one of us stays up, the other has a hard time sleeping.

We both typically read in bed though, and we don't always turn our book lights out and actually go to sleep at the same time. Last night I was engrossed in the end of Harry Potter 5 and didn't shut my light out until 1:45am!! :o :p But we went to bed at the same time. He just crapped out faster than I did....

We discussed this once or twice though. We both like going to bed at the same time. Not sure why, exactly, we just do, so it works.

[615bride]

DH and I don't usually go to bed at the same time. I'm usually in bed before he is...

[DeeK]

DH and I rarely go to bed at the same time unless we have "plans". Even then, he may get back up later to go watch movies on late night TV. We've been happily married for 28 years so I doubt it's going to "ruin our marriage" at this point. I have read articles in "ladies" magazines assuring me that not going to sleep at the same time is paving the way to marriage h*ll. :eek: :rolleyes:

I guess I just like living on the edge. :D

[gertdog]

Kind of odd to ask if it's "normal" or to think there's one answer. :confused:

This topic came up at a dinner party we attended about a year ago, and everyone thought DH and I were quite strange because we go to bed at different times. We were the only couple out of 5 who doesn't go to bed at the same time, so I'm kind of relieved to see this thread! :)

[seathyme]

DH and I sometimes say we live in different time zones -- I'm in bed earlier and up earlier. Once in awhile I know he wishes I'd stay up with him, but I just can't. And like many of you I enjoy that morning time before he's up. We have a great marriage, IMO, despite this difference.

[wallycat]

We'll be married 14 years this July, happily.

When we were first married, I thought it reflected badly if we didn't go to sleep at the same time.
That lasted only a few years.
DH is usually the one that wants to stay up and wait for our cats to come in.
He also likes to read later. If he reads in bed, he falls asleep so he occasionally stays up for that.
Once I got over the fact that this wasn't ...as someone posted..paving a road to marriage h*ll, I relaxed.
I go to bed when I'm tired or want to read quietly and he does the same...
no worries.
I'm usually up before him and get my computer/news time then :)

[cookinprogress]

"Normal" probably wasn't the right word choice. I didn't even realize I had used it until it was pointed out and I went back to reread my original post. :o I guess the reason I brought it up was that I swear I've seen things like what DeeK mentioned from the "ladies" magazines. It is reassuring to see that others have done this without problems. I guess it just still seems so new and a little strange to me since for the first 6 years of our marriage we always went to bed at the same time. I'm not sure why I always just thought that is what you were supposed to do or something. I'll continue to enjoy my late night quiet time! :)

[misskitty100]

DH & I definitely do not go to bed at the same time and never had.

It is funny you started this thread! I was talking to one of my girlfriends a year or two ago and she asked the same question. She mentioned that as part of their marriage they ALWAYS go to bed at the same time no matter what. I thought, how strange -- what did they do if one of them wasn't sleepy?

Grace, in your case, sounds like you are both very considerate people!

[TKay]

I have read articles in "ladies" magazines assuring me that not going to sleep at the same time is paving the way to marriage h*ll. :eek: :rolleyes:

I guess I just like living on the edge. :D

LOL! You're not supposed to have a TV in your bedroom either (married couples, that is). The result is supposed to be similar. I have to say, though, that second to falling asleep with a good book, I love nothing better than cuddling up and falling asleep to the TV. Sends me off to sweet dreams.

[do-lolly]

I have read articles in "ladies" magazines assuring me that not going to sleep at the same time is paving the way to marriage h*ll. :eek: :rolleyes:

I guess I just like living on the edge. :D

I think that's just funny. I think if I had to go to bed before I was ready to, that would pave the way to marriage h*ll. LOL I do agree with the old adage that you shouldn't go to bed mad. Wev'e been married 17 years. DH falls asleep watching television in the bedroom, and I'm a reader. It works out pretty good that I come to bed later, because he has fallen asleep before I get there and I can turn off the t.v. while I am reading. I'm also able to turn off my light after reading and snuggle up to him. Actually, this is my favorite part of the day. Since he's a morning person he snuggles me while I'm sleeping in the morning.:) ugh, I just re-read that, and it just sounds to sweet to stomach. :rolleyes: :D

[wallycat]

"Normal" probably wasn't the right word choice. I didn't even realize I had used it until it was pointed out and I went back to reread my original post. :o I guess the reason I brought it up was that I swear I've seen things like what DeeK mentioned from the "ladies" magazines. It is reassuring to see that others have done this without problems. I guess it just still seems so new and a little strange to me since for the first 6 years of our marriage we always went to bed at the same time. I'm not sure why I always just thought that is what you were supposed to do or something. I'll continue to enjoy my late night quiet time! :)

Many couples change their routines after a few years of marriage.
Not only are we more confident in our marriages, our personalities grow, our health changes, our weight, hormones, and exercise changes.
Work and family pressures can also alter our sleeping habits.

I say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it :p :o

[HejazSunKat]

DH usually goes to bed anywhere from half an hour to an hour after I do. It's never ever occurred to me that there's anything weird about that. So if one spouse is tired they're supposed to stay up late because the other one isn't or vice versa? That would be kinda silly no? I prefer going to bed before him because he CAN'T LIE STILL!! Even when he comes to bed with me he needs more wind down time with the telly and light on, reading his book and squirming around on his side. Really, it's better this way. :) We always do make a point of saying goodnight and giving each other a hug and kiss though so, in the end, marital accord is preserved.

[JHaris]

I've always been a night owl which intensified when the children arrived... one ear always peeled subconsciously listening to anything unusual. DH is always AM, going to bed early, Even when I went back to work after children grew up, I still stayed up late to have time to myself even though I had to get up early to head to work. Very rarely have I ever gone to bed first and when that happened it was because I was totally exhausted.... which worries DH that something is wrong... too unusual to see me konk out early.

[MaryMorph]

This post makes me think of my grandparents.

Grandma was insistent that grandpa go to bed at the same time she did. She would make a big scene out of how tired she was and how late it was getting, but she wouldn't actually head to the bedroom until grandpa did. He would choose to ignore her (not an easy task!) until he was ready to go.

We frequently head to bed at the same time, but it's by default. I fall asleep on the couch about 2 hours before Tim's body tells him to go. He wakes me up and I sleepwalk my way to the bedroom.

mary jo

[Kay Henderson]

Both DH and I go to bed and get up when we individually feel like it. (I am the earlybird, DH prefers a later schedule.)

In the 40th year of our marriage, we are doing fine. Different schedules have not been a problem for us.

Kay

[saserre]

Fiance' and I are both night owls, so at least we've got that working for us. But quite often I'll get tired before him and go to bed, and he'll still be up on the computer or watching a t.v. show or something. He usually joins me in an hour or less.

When we first started dating I'd make an effort to stay up as late as him, but then I'd often fall asleep on the couch. So I figured that was pointless if I'm just snoring through whatever t.v. show he was watching.

I do have some friends that go to bed at the same time, and one usually complains that they're usually not tired or whatever, but it's more like an obligation at this point. That's too Stepford Wife for me.

[cumulus]

Our schedules have been a mess this past year! DBF is still in grad school, and I work rotating shift work. Needless to say, if we actually see each other over the course of a day, we're happy :rolleyes:

Even with regular schedules, he's a night owl and I'm an early bird. We've never gone to bed at the same time, and probably never will!

[Peweh]

I'm a Night Owl and DH is an Early Bird, so we hardly ever go to sleep at the same time. We joke about how I watch the same TV show every night at 10:30, him asleep on the couch. I have a really hard time falling asleep and once I do if I get woken up sleep is ruined for the night so I tend to wait until I'm exhausted and know he or the dog won't be stirring and wake me up. The TV helps me fall asleep but DH said I gotta knock off the CSI type shows because they creep into his dreams and give him nightmares! :eek:

Interesting thread!

[Cookin4Love]

During the work week, we usually go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time--because we both have to leave the house at the same time. On weekends, DH will go to bed or fall asleep on the couch earlier, and I will usually stay up. For instance, he's been asleep for 4 hours and in bed for 3. I will probably get to bed in about 45 minutes. The late nights are the only time I ever have any truly private time. NOT getting that, at least occasionally, would take us straight to marriage he!!. On "those" nights, we either find our way to bed at the same time, or I "accidentally" wake him up when I come to bed. We've been married 23 years and going strong, so apparently, this is working okay for us. :p

[mikesmom]

After 33 years of marriage, my DH and I have never gone to bed at the same time. In the first 17 years of our marriage, he was a musician, worked nights (six days a week) and didn't even get home until 3:00 a.m. I have worked a regular job for 36 years and I get up at 5:30 a.m.

He doesn't have those hours any more, but he is still a night owl and I'm still getting up at the crack of dawn. I'm in bed before 10:00 p.m. and he doesn't join me until at least 1:00 a.m.

Like I said, we've been married a LONG time and it's working for us so far. :)

[nanco]

We always go to bed at the same time and together. I sleep with my husband about 4 nights a week. He travels with his job. I sleep horrible when he is gone!

[LakeMartinGal]

DH has insomnia -- he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, most nights, but only stays asleep a couple of hours until he's up working on his computer, watching tv or building airplanes!

We both go to bed at the same time, having independently napped in front of the tv... I read for a while, he sleeps immediately, but I usually stay asleep all night, not hearing him come and go (he's very stealthy)!

He was in the military, gone for months at a time, then in sales, gone several nights a week, but for the last 5 years, he's been here almost every night... That was hard to get used to!:rolleyes: ;)

[Canice]

DH usually goes to bed anywhere from half an hour to an hour after I do. It's never ever occurred to me that there's anything weird about that. So if one spouse is tired they're supposed to stay up late because the other one isn't or vice versa? That would be kinda silly no? ....

I guess that's what I was reacting to when I said I thought it was weird that anyone would think there's a "normal" condition and an "abnormal" one. It's so petty and benign a difference, as if someone said, "I prefer my asparagus fork-tender, and my husband likes his cooked through. Are we doomed as a couple?" Literally, that's the way I read it.

I can stay up reading until 2:AM, and if it didn't bother DBF I might just climb into bed the same time as him. But it would never work, as the light and page-turning bug him. So I do laundry, wash the dinner dishes, and watch the TiVo'd cooking programs instead. I'd rather have that criminal little dish of Ben and Jerry's then than right after dinner. ;)

Oh, and I don't think looking to grocery store "ladies'" magazines for guidance on what makes a "successful" relationship is necessarily a great idea.

[Leslie Ferguson]

DH and I sometimes say we live in different time zones

I'm going to have to remember this quote - it's so us too. LW and I don't go to bed at the same time and honestly, I can't remember the last time we did. I'm a night-owl with early-bird tendencies (actually, the morning time is my time to read and study a little without distraction) and Kathy (at least for the present) is to bed earlier and out of bed later than I am. I've been accused of not getting enough sleep (22 years in the Navy breeds that habit I'm afraid). I think more couples are like most of us - one spouse goes to bed when they are ready and their body is ready for sleep.

HTH and peace,
Les

[LakeMartinGal]

I've been accused of not getting enough sleep (22 years in the Navy breeds that habit I'm afraid). LOL! It only took 5 years for DH!:D

[cookinprogress]

I guess that's what I was reacting to when I said I thought it was weird that anyone would think there's a "normal" condition and an "abnormal" one. It's so petty and benign a difference, as if someone said, "I prefer my asparagus fork-tender, and my husband likes his cooked through. Are we doomed as a couple?" Literally, that's the way I read it.

Oh, and I don't think looking to grocery store "ladies'" magazines for guidance on what makes a "successful" relationship is necessarily a great idea.

You are taking this way more seriously than it was intended. Did you miss the "LOL" in my initial post?

It was an honest question though, as it is something that has been on mind lately, and I thought it would be interesting to hear what works for everyone else. I didn't realize that only certain types of questions were considered reasonable. :rolleyes:

Lighten up a little.


To everyone else... Thanks for all the interesting responses. I have to say I'm quite surprised at how common this is. Good to hear that it seems to work so well for everyone.

[Leslie Ferguson]

LOL! It only took 5 years for DH!:D

Oh, it didn't take all 22 of those years to realize I get too little sleep - just 22 years to get it down as perfectly as I do already.
:cool:

Les

[Puppylove]

I, too, heard that going to bed at different times was not a good idea for a couple (along with no TV in the bedroom). We did that for the first few years of marriage, now we are coming up on our 6yr anniversary and we have a TV in the bedroom (but not the living room!) and we go to sleep whenever we want. I generally go first, but DH "tucks me in." He tickles my back and holds me for a few moments, then when I'm all relaxed and mostly asleep, he goes back to the computer or whatever he was working on. I have an exceptionally wonderful husband! :D
I think the concept is that going to bed at different times could discourage other marital pleasures ;) , but as long as you guys aren't forfeiting that because you're in "different time zones" you should do whatever works in your marriage.
DH and I don't sleep in the same bed quite often, because he snores soooooo loudly, people are always saying that's a marriage killer, but it works for us!

[Mpenny1001]

We do go to bed at the same time, but it is by agreement that we do that. We each have the tendency to stay up too late watching mindless TV and then we are too tired and cranky. DH also has a health condition that means he generally has a flareup when he is fatigued. So we have agreed upon a time and drag each other to bed then no matter the protests from the person who may be saying, "This show will be over in 20 minutes - I'll be right there...", lol.

[Geo_nerd]

My husband and I rarely go to bed at the same time. In addition to his full-time 9-5 job, my husband runs an online business, so late evenings are the only time he has to update his website, pack orders for shipping, take care of emails, etc. He also also cannot sleep without the noise of the TV. Despite wearing earplugs, I can't fall asleep with it, so if I am in bed and sleeping before he turns the TV on, it doesn't bother me.

[ChristyMarie]

Puppylove, we are the same. He tucks me in and we generally sleep in separate beds. That started when I was pregnant and kept our bedroom at about 60 - I froze him out. But we found we sleep better apart because he snores, I'm a light sleeper and then I end up poking him to be quiet.

And I go to sleep (and get up) 2-3 hours earlier than him. We each get our quiet time that way - or at least we did before our son was born!

I say whatever works for you and your spouse.

[KristinK]

Most nights, we do go to bed at the same time. There are some nights that we go to bed separately, like when DH stays up later to watch the end of a game, or I stay up later to read or finish watching a movie, but it's usually no more than once a week.

For us, it's mostly because we both get tired around the same time and have to wake up early for work. Of course, this could all change once the baby comes. :)

[testkitchen45]

II think the concept is that going to bed at different times could discourage other marital pleasures ;) , but as long as you guys aren't forfeiting that because you're in "different time zones" you should do whatever works in your marriage.

This is what I was thinking all along . . . that as long as you maintain your, er, "visitation rights" :D , you should be fine on different schedules. I think the problems come when one spouse is staying up doing whatever, & the only time the spouses are in bed together they're, well, sleeping. My DH and I are pretty much on the same schedule; I'm a SAHM but I get up when he does, either b/c of school mornings or b/c in the summer, I hope (vainly) to get some things done b4 the kids wake up. But I don't think it's weird at all to go to bed at different times, b/c we all need some alone time, and if it's not a symptom of inattention in . . . personal areas ;) , then it gives each spouse some vital time to do whatever he/she wants--read, watch TV, work on projects, whatever. We do go to bed at different times occasionally (usually it's me, staying up later to finish a chapter, or get to a good stopping point w/ a scrapbook project), and it's refreshing to have some alone time, so go for it!