Dealing with a fear of driving

[whocares]

I am hoping to find some ideas to deal with my 20 something year old daughter who is very fearful about driving. She has had lessons with a driving school for the past few weeks and she is still terrified and would like to throw the keys down and quit. I have told her that she will gain more confidence with more time behind the wheel, but she is extremely hesitant to get out there. She hasn't been in any accidents as a driver or passenger, but is very cautious and somewhat anxious by nature. She is really beginning to feel the limitations of not driving, and I was very hopeful that she would be able to get her license this summer. She is willing to go out with me for some practice, which is encouraging. I wish we could get a student driver sign for our car because I think other drivers are more patient when they know that there is a student driver in the car. While we were out practicing last week, she had an unsettling experience with an aggressive driver who passed on the right while she was making a left. Driving is scary to me and I have been driving for a long time, so I can empathize with her, but I want her to be able to deal with the anxiety and learn to drive

[wwhirledpeas]

I applaud you for helping her overcome a hurdle because it will always limit her.

Having just spent 6 months in the passenger seat of our car with my teenager, I fully know the patience and guts it takes to let someone else drive your car.....and I enjoy driving.

What scares her most? Is it fear of hitting something or fear of speed or fear of not being able to notice everything?

[BaileyJune]

You say driving is scary to you. How much of that fear have you displayed to your daughter over the years? I think the average person has a healthy respect for the road, but is not fearful. Perhaps she needs the type of counseling those who are fearful of flying use?

The experience you describe as unsettling is actually very common - I see that happen all the time. She needs to prepare herself that things like that happen, even though they are at times against the law.

Encourage her to get even more time behind the wheel. Try short amounts - quick trip to whatever store is closest to her home or a friend's house and back. And perhaps she sticks with drivers ed for the foreseeable future, until she's more comfortable. A class would get her out on the roads on a regular basis.

Does she live where there is public transportation? How does she get back and forth to school or work? If there is no public means, I would talk matter of factly about exactly how she WILL be limited by not being able to drive. She can't depend on mom or a friend to get her around forever.

[lindrusso]

Been there! I used to fear driving. It was overwhelming and I just didn't feel in control. I was okay on local roads, but the highways terrified me - I couldn't imagine remaining in control with those big trucks zooming by and all that speed. I can't remember exactly when I actually got my license, but I may have done just enough to get the license, and then let it sit because I was too afraid to drive on a regular basis.

To be truthful, I was also not a very good driver in the beginning. I was nervous and hesitant and also had aggressive drivers passing me on the right and that sort of thing. As I practiced, I got more confident and now I'm a very good driver and don't fear driving anymore. There are still certain situations where I'd prefer not to drive - in the dark in the rain - but I never avoid driving.

What spurred me was the prospect of a job at college - a job where I needed to be able to drive. Ironically, the job I was undertaking was working with agoraphobics on a Psych research project - the subjects had many fears - bridges, elevators, and yes, driving. :eek: :o Anyway, I worked hard over the summer and somehow overcame my fear - so much so that shortly after that, I drove the Cross Bronx Expressway into Long Island! Once you've done that, I think you can do anything. :eek:

I would suggest having someone other than you work with her. If you are fearful yourself, you probably shouldn't be the one out there with her - she needs someone who is calm, cool and completely collected. Even if you are doing your best, you are likely giving off signals that are making her more nervous - even if neither of you is entirely conscious of it.

This is a long shot, but you might check out local universities to see if they have a behavior modification research program like the one I worked on. I took clients out and did fear assessments - the professor would take them out (if they were in the therapy group and not the control group) and work with them on a regular basis. Even if you don't get put into the actual therapy group, just going out and facing the fear can be very helpful.

Also remember - she doesn't want to be afraid and probably realizes that it's somewhat irrational (although the irrationality of it is arguable considering the idiots on the roads these days ;) ). It may not be something she can just "get over". It may take work. She may not necessarily have a phobia, but it is possible - you said she is anxious by nature. Hopefully, like me, the limitations of not driving will become motivation to get out there and face her fears. If not, and if there is no university program, you might ask around about other programs. My SIL found one for those with a fear of flying - but that was pretty expensive, so I think she only did it once.

Best wishes.

[stefania4]

Congrats to your DD for taking this big step. Although she herself hasn't been in an accident, does she know someone who has? Although I've never been in an SUV rollover, I've been to SEVEN funerals drivers/passengers of SUVs and after the first I would never get in one of those things. Other peoples' experiences can have an impact on us.

Are there low-traffic areas where she can practice?

My parents informed me that possessing a driver's license did not mean I could take the car out by myself. They required the following before I was permitted that privilege:
a) logging 500 miles of driving with a parent in the car;
b) changing a tire on demand;
c) jumping the battery on demand.

Then and only then was I allowed to take the car solo. Something similar may be good for your daughter - knowing that she'd have someone in the car with her after getting her license.

[funniegrrl]

Yes, yes, I'm all for conquering your fears and mastering an important skill and blah blah blah. It IS important to try not to let the anxiety fester and snowball, and the more practice she gets the more comfortable she should feel. HOWEVER

It is possible to lead a healthy life without a driver's license or a car. Of course, that can depend greatly on where you live. However, I didn't have a license until I was 23 and didn't actually own a car until I was 27. This wasn't because of fear, but when I was living with my parents they simply could not afford to have a teen driver on the car insurance. I never once sat behind the wheel of the family car. After I went to college and was on my own, I couldn't afford a car, so it getting a license was still pointless. I used public transportation to get to work, I walked to the grocery store, and I was lucky enough to have friends take me other places I might need to go. I did take lessons and get my license at 23 so I could rent a car on occasional weekends. Finally at 27 I could afford the 20-year-old Pontiac LeMans I bought from a little old lady for $400. (It was nicknamed "The Land Yacht.")

You may live in an area where not driving is impractical. And, again, I think conquering a fear is a good thing and should be encouraged. But, it's not the end of the world if she's not ready right now. When the pain of not driving is greater than the pain of driving, she'll do what she needs to do.

P.S. I totally agree that your feeling that driving is scary is a factor, and you probably shouldn't be the one to practice with. She needs someone who is a good defensive driver, patient and unflappable. Avoid anyone who is cocky or aggressive in their driving will will make her more frightened and self-conscious.

[Canice]

I have a friend who didn't start driving until she was in her 30s and she did not want her mother or husband coaching her, so she took private lessons from someone who specialized in training adults, who apparently tend to have a very different set of "issues" than teens. Many of whom, I would suppose, had anxieties that had prevented them from driving sooner. Is that an option for your daughter?

[Valerie226]

Even if you live somewhere where you can get by without driving, it's an important skill in today's world, ( most of it anyway) to have reasonable driving skills. I haven't lived anyplace my entire adult life where driving wasn't essential. who would want their choice of places to live, and career dependent on where there happens to be public transit available?

I can understand people knowing how but choosing not to. Public transportation can be cheaper, convenient or they don't want the expense of a car. but not ever getting a license? Yipes. You need a DL for ID alone.

My mother didn't learn to drive until she was in her 60's and then it was an awful battle with numerous lessons, lots of setbacks etc. But my father was sick and she needed to be the driver. It would have been much easier for everyone if she'd learned younger so she could drive when it became necessary. Refreshing skills is much easier than never learning. She took lessons from a driving school and eventually got her license, much to everyone's relief. she never liked driving and limited herself to going to the grocery, mall, and doctor's appts but that was enough to get by. Learning from a professional might be much easier and worth the money.

[kim21]

Whocares,

You hold much compassion for your daughter as she faces her experience of driving. Are you open to a PM? Best wishes, Kim

[foodfiend]

In Toronto, there is a driving school that specializes in teaching people who are nervous about driving. They have the same rates as other schools. Maybe there is something similar near you?

[ajowen]

I had a great fear of driving. I still don't care to drive if I can avoid it. Although I live in a small town I routinely take public transport to work and walk most places. Friends drive longer distances if we are all going. I do drive to the grocery store etc. and in town errands though - I can drive longer distances if I have to.

All the slow down (car crash, this is what happens when you speed and don't wear a seat belt) videos they show in drivers ed didn't help my confidence level. I got my licsence (barely) at 16 with much trepidation and basically didn't drive unless I had to and then only on city roads (not highway). I practiced driving fast on country roads with no traffic - I was most afraid of other cars. Eventually I did do highway driving and now drive competently. I did better when I drove without my parents (with a different adult) but...


I would say, don't push. Encourage her to get her lisence so she has a choice, but allow her to move at her own pace. She'll drive (or not) as she wants to and overcome her fears bit by bit.

[Kathy B]

When DS first got his permit, he spent his first several times out driving in large empty church parking lots and school parking lots. We also went out to a mall that is way past it's prime and drove all around its lots since there were some cars, but very few. When we did venture out onto a road, it was to cross from one area of the mall to another empty lot across a side street. He could practice starting, stopping, parking, and staying in his lane without worrying about traffic. We probably did this for a couple of weeks at least. When a car occasionally headed in his direction, he could slow down, stop or even head off the opposite way.

DS wasn't especially fearful, but he was learning on a stick shift, and I knew there would be lots of unintentional stops and jerks until he got the hang of it. (And there WERE!) From empty lots he graduated to very low traffic side streets and gradually worked his way up from there. Cemetaries are another pretty good place. I didn't rush things at all....just let things evolve as I saw his confidence increase. He got his license the following year with no problem.

[kim21]

Hi there,

I PMd you...

Best wishes, Kim