Trial separation?

[hlao23]

Anyone been through a separation before? Is it meant always as a prelude to divorce or is a time to get out of your comfort zone to consider your options?

I'm considering separation..in case that's not clear. I did a search to find out if I'd asked this before and found this thread (did I attach it correctly?)http://community.cookinglight.com/showthread.php?t=83349&highlight=divorce
from December of 2005 where I had inquired about divorce. The update I have is that he has since been on anti-depressants and seen a counselor one-on-one which did help some but overall nothing has changed. He still maintains that he is fine and I still don't see it.

My life is great other than this so sometimes I feel like I should just suck it up and live with the "well, this is what I married and it could be worse" I'm just wondering if separating for 3-6 months might make me/us put things in perspective. When I talked with him about what I was thinking he said things like "well, who's going to help with the dishes (clean the bathroom, etc)" These are things he does around the house and, I think, a sad commentery on our relationship.

[boisewinesnob]

I remember your old thread and I've been wondering if things were improving for you.

No advice really. But want to send you good wishes :)

[CompassRose]

It can be whatever you want it to be. If you need "space to get out of your comfort zone and consider your options," then take it.

It sounds as though despite everything (I just looked at your other thread) you aren't ready to give up completely yet. It might very well be a good idea to take some space away from the patterns you've built with your husband and think about things.

I did separate, not from my husband (although I suppose techically the time he was away at Basic Training counted as more or less a separation) but from my first long-term boyfriend for three months, about halfway through our relationship. I moved in with a girlfriend. And it did help, it was a complete break from what was going on.

[hlao23]

Just wanted to note that this:

It sounds as though despite everything (I just looked at your other thread) you aren't ready to give up completely yet. It might very well be a good idea to take some space away from the patterns you've built with your husband and think about things.
might just be a combination of cowardice and the fact that I was raised that you just don't leave. Not sure...obviously, I guess ;) :rolleyes:

[blazedog]

A separation can be whatever you want it to be. However, it can have legal significance for no fault divorce decrees since these often require a certain time period of legal separation.

It may or may not also have impact on finances in terms of obligations incurred during a separation period -- again this has to do with state law and how "formal" your separation is.

I assume you have no children and I wonder why you are willing to settle for so little in your life. With children at home, the balance of interest shifts since I don't think it appropriate to separate because of vague dissatisfaction. I am in an age group where many of my friends have children in college or older and there are starting to be separations and divorces at this point -- because what's the point -- unless there are economic factors keeping couples together (true of one set of friends who can't really afford to separate but inhabit separate bedrooms).

[hlao23]

I assume you have no children and I wonder why you are willing to settle for so little in your life.

I guess the settling is a lot of things:
1) I have an awesome life otherwise with lots of wonderful friends..so it's just this one part that stinks.
2) I can manage on my own but my standard of living will drop considerably
3) Plain old guilt about why I couldn't make this work and mightn't it get better if I just hang in there.

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

[LakeMartinGal]

3) Plain old guilt about why I couldn't make this work and mightn't it get better if I just hang in there.
So, why should you feel guilty about this? :confused: There are two people in this relationship, and both need to work on it! Let go of the guilt about this, it wastes your time, drains your resources and generally obscures the real problem and possible solutions! Like someones tagline says, "Don't should on yourself!"

You have to be the one to decide, but a separation (not counting any legal ramifications) might just be the thing for both of you to decide if the relationship is worth working for.:)

[blazedog]

I guess the settling is a lot of things:
1) I have an awesome life otherwise with lots of wonderful friends..so it's just this one part that stinks.
2) I can manage on my own but my standard of living will drop considerably
3) Plain old guilt about why I couldn't make this work and mightn't it get better if I just hang in there.

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

It's hard to understand how one's life can be "awesome" with a marriage that "stinks". It would seem that no relationship -- which at least has the possibility of finding a relationship that doesn't "stink" is better.

Guilt -- if you have given it time and effort, and it still stinks, why the guilt? Guilt is a pretty poor reason to stay in a relationship -- especially when there are no children

Finances -- well two can't live as cheaply as a couple especially if your husband earns more money. However, and sorry if this sounds harsh -- at this point it approaches concubinage. Of course, if you look upon it as your job -- then you are certainly earning your wages by staying in a relationship that stinks.

[hlao23]

Well Blaze...you're calling me on stuff that's going to make my situation seem even more bizarre ;)

1) I earn slightly more money than he does.
2) The "concubine" bit ended years ago.

By "stinking" I guess I mean that there just isn't much of a marriage. No particular good or bad...just there. I have my friends, I have my theatre and a job I mostly like. DH is there, not particularly bothering me but not involved either...kinda like a houseplant that helps with the bills. :D ...I never make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.... :o

When I talk to friends (on this bb or irl) I can so see it but then I get home and it's just so....normal...that it's easy to fall back into.

[SandyM]

By "stinking" I guess I mean that there just isn't much of a marriage. No particular good or bad...just there. I have my friends, I have my theatre and a job I mostly like. DH is there, not particularly bothering me but not involved either...kinda like a houseplant that helps with the bills.

I get it. More of a roommate. Sharing an occasional meal, polite discussion here and there. People will wonder why you did it - "He seems like such a great guy!" But it all boils down to you and your happiness, and you being able to sleep at night knowing you did all you could, and still nothing changed.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

[MinEaston]

I have a friend who is in a similar place, only she has an 8-yr-old son, who was the only reason they were living under the same roof. They've opted to separate, as she's realized that she wants more for herself in terms of a relationship. Her DH is in the same area, and they've worked out the child's schedule quite well.

I asked her if it felt different to not have her DH around, and how her son was reacting. She indicated there really hadn't been much of a change, other than she feels better about being able to do more for herself.

This is something she's been considering for quite some time, but I think she felt a little like you seem to. Finally, she did it. Those of us on the outside wonder why it took so long.

Good luck, I am sure it's not easy.

[hlao23]

Thanks everyone. Thought I'd post a small update that takes a huge weight off my shoulders. One of my friends offered me an apartment that's located over her offices (therapist). She said that utilities are taken care of and that they can let me have it for only $300 a month. *huge! sigh of relief*

[generic]

This apartment offer sounds like your perfect opportunity!!

I remember your earlier thread asking about divorce. I've never been married, so I can't exactly put myself in your place, but I think a trial separation sounds like a good option right now, if only to give you both some perspective. I am continually amazed at the incredible clarity that comes to me when I completely remove myself from a situation for a period of time. I don't really believe in "geographic cures," but sometimes when I go away for a couple of weeks, I "magically" recognize all of the things in my life that are not working. Conversely, I also see all the things I'm not appreciating enough.

Your husband may resist separation at the outset, but once he adjusts, who knows? He may discover he's more comfortable, you may discover the same. Or just the opposite! :)
I also want to add that I admire your strong desire to honor your commitment. If you do eventually decide to divorce, at least you'll know you didn't just give up without effort.

[jmarie]

I wish you the best.

I get home and it's just so....normal...that it's easy to fall back into.

So true.

One thing that has surprised me since I have started breathing again, since he left, is how uptight I am when I am around him. I really get tense when he just drives up and hasn't even come into the house, yet. But it was the "norm" before, so I had forgotten life was any other way. But now, I feel relaxed and then he shows up and my life starts falling apart, because he always has something to be critical about. But I was willing to do anything to get him back at one point, to the point that I seriously considered his offer that he would come back, but still remain friends with her.

Don't fall back into it because it's easy. It is sad, I was devistated, I cried, he may cry....but I am actually better off now. I am actually doing things I had no idea that I could do like purchasing office furniture, picking it up myself, getting someone to help me carry it in and , hooking the computer back up. (computer was something son always did). BABY STEPS, but boy oh boy do I feel good about myself.

I think you have been fair. Your first post was what, back in 2005? I am doing prettygood now, it may take him a little while, but he will thank you for it, in the end.