Another "need advice about my mother" thread (petty & long)

[AvrilH]

I am staying with my parents for 2 weeks right now, as I have ever summer since I moved away 5 years ago (it is a 14 hour drive - I will only do it once a year). My DH came out with us, but flew home after 6 days for business.

So I am here with my parents and my 3 kids. It is hot lovely weather, my parents have a pool, a different city with different things to do, old friends to visit - the kids generally have a great time.

But I am, once again, dying to leave. I find my mother unbearable and so riddled with "issues" that I can't stand to be around her this long. She sleeps until at least 1 everyday, she's generally unhappy. Almost never swims with the kids (she waits until they get out of the water and then swims alone). She is also extremely sensitive to the kids' habits - most notably interrupting.

I have lectured them on this point a LOT, and she has heard me do so. But my youngest still has a serious problem with it. I will cut him off with a hand signal, but usually the damage is already done to my mother's mood.

Yesterday was DS3's BD. My Dad encouraged me to have our friends over for a swim. He got up before work and polished up the back yard, cleaned the pool and even worked on my van first. What a doll! He stayed to greet some friends and then had to leave to meet clients. He made us all feel welcome.

However, my mom did not exit her bedroom until the party was almost over at 4. It became quite an obvious absence, and, I thought, a rude snub to my friends who would have liked to greet her and thank their host. THEN, when she did come down, she was in a foul mood and displayed it to my friends. (Mom's old dog had run away and she tried to blame us for leaving the gate open, although it was shut tight).

Then an hour later she came to speak with me. I was folding laundry and speaking with my youngest. She asked me how the party was , and as I answered DS started yacking about his favorite shirt. She yelled "I give up" and stalked away. We were to go out to dinner, and she wouldn't leave her room for 90 minutes. The boys and I had plans to see a movie and bc of her histrionics we ended up going to a late show and all came home exhausted.

I can't leave until Monday. But I can't duct-tape my kids' mouths shut, either. She's making me sick to my stomach. My household is under HUGE pressure right now, and I have to keep everything together while DH struggles with getting his high-risk business off the ground. I only get 3 weeks off a year, and am spending 2 weeks walking on egg shells.

So - after that ramble, I guess my question is: And advice about salvaging my sanity for the next five days?

[RunnerKim]

Avril,
I don't remember how old your kids are? The interuppting issue is a common one and not one instantly learned in kids. It sounds like you're doing all the right things there.

To me it sounds like your Mom is the one behaving inappropriately. It doesn't sound like new behavior for her though? This is easy for me to say - but I wouldn't worry about her feelings. The more she stays in her room at this point the better! Can you talk with your Dad about it? Is she wanting a long visit every year? I think a shorter time would be much better for everyone- she could just really have a hard time having her routine disturbed so much.

(((hugs)))

Kim

[boisewinesnob]

I wouldn't come back for a long time, since it's so obvious that she is not really happy you guys are there. Why go just because you've always done it? Doesn't mean you still have to.

I'd rather spend time with people who enjoy my (and my kids') company. :)

[DmOrtega]

My ds has a bad habit of interrupting also. It drives everyone crazy but I am working with him, continually, and he is getting better. He also likes to change subjects frequently. It's because his mind is racing and he just lets it out. Just keep working with him.

It sounds like your mom has some issues that are beyond your control. Don't take them on as your issues and don't let your kids take them on as their issues either. You ds interruptions are just one thing that is bothering her but not the cause of her problems.

[ChristieinMB]

As a grandmother, I don't get it, my grandchildren are perfect, even if their parent's don't think so.:D :D
My only advice, smile and plan next year's vacation at a lovely resort.
Really, I would probably, calmly say to to her, I know they irritate you, they are children, enjoy every minute, we will be gone, they will grow. Time will pass, what will your memories be?

[AvrilH]

Funny - everyone's advice made me feel a lot better. Thanks!

I appreciated the perspective on my son (he turned 6 yesterday) - it is a hard lesson to learn that your thoughts are NOT necessarily more important than everyone else's conversation! But if others agree it's still a fairly normal annoyance I will not flip about it.

As well, i will not come back next summer. Just bc I can't afford a trip anywhere else doesn't mean i can't enjoy my time off at home without living with her issues!

Kim - thanks for your perspective, too. My poor Dad, however, deals with her whiims and moods endlessly. The last thing he needs is for me to ask him to somehow intervene and chill her out (actually, it was out of deference to him that I didn't just leave the house last night to get away from her - knew he'd be stuck alone to face her wrath!)

And Christie, I was grateful the most for your advice. These boys are here for her to enjoy or not - it is up to her (which kind of applies to her ENTIRE life). I can't be hurt every time she gets this way (which is every time she is near them!)

Thanks for listening to my vent. :)

[wwhirledpeas]

As a grandmother, I don't get it, I would probably, calmly say to to her, I know they irritate you, they are children, enjoy every minute, we will be gone, they will grow. Time will pass, what will your memories be?

I think what would be more of a concern to her is what memories will the grand children have. Sheesh, if she only sees her daughter and grandchildren for 2 weeks each year - why would she waste a second of that short time being mad at anyone?

Is there any way that she is missing you? That she feels she never gets a second of one on one quality you without sharing you with the kids.... or you have time for everyone but her during the two weeks?

[HejazSunKat]

I have lectured them on this point a LOT, and she has heard me do so. But my youngest still has a serious problem with it. I will cut him off with a hand signal, but usually the damage is already done to my mother's mood.

Then an hour later she came to speak with me. I was folding laundry and speaking with my youngest. She asked me how the party was , and as I answered DS started yacking about his favorite shirt. She yelled "I give up" and stalked away. We were to go out to dinner, and she wouldn't leave her room for 90 minutes. The boys and I had plans to see a movie and bc of her histrionics we ended up going to a late show and all came home exhausted.

I can't leave until Monday. But I can't duct-tape my kids' mouths shut, either. She's making me sick to my stomach. My household is under HUGE pressure right now, and I have to keep everything together while DH struggles with getting his high-risk business off the ground. I only get 3 weeks off a year, and am spending 2 weeks walking on egg shells.

So - after that ramble, I guess my question is: And advice about salvaging my sanity for the next five days?

I'm wondering who this visit is meant to please because your mother sounds like she's dying for YOU all to leave too. Clearly she either doesn't enjoy children or has lost her enjoyment and tolerance of them somewhere along the way. I don't know if there's much you can do about this visit other than tough it out and try avoid one another as much as possible planning outings with the kids without her where you won't have to worry about your kids behaving like kids or pandering to her childish behavior. I think you're absolutely right in not putting yourself through it next year. It's possible she may enjoy the children more when they're older and more socialized and then the visits might be enjoyable for all of you and she can build memories with her grandchildren at that time.

[kim21]

Family visits can be a real challenge and two weeks must feel like a verrrry long stay at this point. You are doing all of the right things as you are teaching your small children about impulse control and social nuances in conversation. For most of us, this is in deed a process and takes place over time...

As I read your post, I felt concern for your Mom. Are you concerned about her, too? As strange and anti-social (and I'll bet rather unloving) as it may seem, retreating to her room may be the best approach she has for coping with the stress she is experiencing. I wonder if her seclusion is "normal" for her, or just intensified now with the family staying in her home. It may be her desperate effort to reduce the tension; however, misguided it might seem.

During your stay, is there any opportunity to visit with your Mom (and/or Mom and Dad, for that matter) without the children? Maybe dinner out? Is there any room for dialog about what might facilitate the visit for everyone? This is a tough one, because refraining from visiting them then prevents you from enjoying the time with your Dad (and changes his enjoyment of spending time with you) and that then may also create new pressures and tensions...maybe a shorter visit next time?

Sorry for the stress you are under...hang in there...Kim

[Kathy B]

Another option might be (for next time) to stay at a nearby hotel so that you can visit them and friends, but you each have your own space.

We recently spent two weeks with DH's cousin and his family in MA. What made it all work really well was that they own a "two family home" (common in that area) and we had the upstairs apartment as our place to stay while we were there. We could come and go as we liked to sightsee in the area, we had our own snacks and drinks in the frig so the kids didn't constantly have to ask and I didn't feel like we were eating all of their food, and we could socialize with them but weren't dependent on their schedule to arrange ours. We could also retreat upstairs if we felt in the way or if one of us just needed a nap or some quiet time.

A little bit of distance and privacy might make all the difference in your situation.

[ChristyMarie]

Her behavior sounds unacceptable. Has she always been this way or has it gotten worse in recent years?Do you think she would be open to a talk? Or maybe with your dad? Kind of set some boundaries and discuss why the visit was so stressful for you both?

I think not going next year is a good idea - 2 weeks is a LONG time even if you get along with the people. I also agree about the hotel idea if you do decide to visit again in the future.

I'm really sorry your visit was so stressful.

[NewMrsG]

As I read your post, I felt concern for your Mom. Are you concerned about her, too? As strange and anti-social (and I'll bet rather unloving) as it may seem, retreating to her room may be the best approach she has for coping with the stress she is experiencing. I wonder if her seclusion is "normal" for her, or just intensified now with the family staying in her home. It may be her desperate effort to reduce the tension; however, misguided it might seem.


to echo what Kim said above, from your description I wonder if your mom might be clinically depressed. Isolation, irritability, sleeping a great deal ... all hallmark symptoms of clinical depression. I'm sure at this point you just want to survive the rest of your visit - for which I can't blame you. But her behavior does sound really worrisome to me. Has she always been like this?

I like the suggestion of staying elsewhere when you visit, if you can afford it. It does seem pretty clear that your kids are just fine, but that Mom, for whatever reason, isn't able to tolerate much.

Hope you survive the remainder of the visit intact! And happy birthday to DS.

[testkitchen45]

Have you discussed this with your dad? I agree that your mom sounds clinically depressed; she may need some medical attention.

On the interrupting: have you taught your kids how to interrupt politely (sounds like an oxymoron, but hang with me), instead of just telling them "don't interrupt"? You can teach your child to silently put a hand on your arm. You cover his hand with yours, which says, "OK, I know you're there--wait till we get to a stopping point in a sec." Then, when it fits into the conversation you're having, you can stop and turn to DS and ask what he needs. If you're on the phone, you can augment this lesson by having him limit his interruptions to if someone's hurt or bleeding (tricky, of course, b/c the whole root of the problem is that a kid's definition of "emergency" is that his sibling got the bigger scoop of ice cream or something ;) ). As they mature & as you work with them in these scenarios, they begin learning that many issues can indeed wait, & you'll get less hand-on-the-arm stuff. Until the kids learn that you will work them in as quickly as you can, they don't have that confidence so they just pipe up & figure they'd better get your attention any way they can.

Good luck. Try to stay pleasant around your mom & take the high road & let her moods flow off you like water off a duck. Her issues are way bigger than you, your kids, interrupting, this visit, and so on; you can't be responsible for how she chooses to act but I do think she may need medical help. Your dad sounds like a sweetheart; find out if she's always like this (she's just manipulative or whatever), or if these moods have been worsening for awhile (growing medical problem).

[AvrilH]

[QUOTE=NewMrsG;1248493]to echo what Kim said above, from your description I wonder if your mom might be clinically depressed. Isolation, irritability, sleeping a great deal ... all hallmark symptoms of clinical depression. I'm sure at this point you just want to survive the rest of your visit - for which I can't blame you. But her behavior does sound really worrisome to me. Has she always been like this?

*Sigh* Yes - she has ALWAYS been like this! This rant is just the tip of the iceburg, really. And yes, I am aware that she is likely clinically depressed (I spoke to my own physician about her years ago, about her prescription drug dependancy. My doc immediately said it's not just drugs, it sounded like a clinical depression.) But my Dad and I are at our wits' end about trying to face that issue in any way.

THanks all. YOu are right - she and I can be optimistic and plan this family visit, but obviously it is not fun for either of us (the kids have a great time, but are getting more and more aware of Grandma's problems).

It's just really hard that it has to be so hard (sorry for the lack of eloquence). I loved my grandparents dearly and they were a huge part of my life. My parents are all the boys have really (we have no cousins or aunts or uncles and DH's mother is in Australia) and if they can't spend time with their Papa at his house, swimming and playing football with him, they'll never know the one extraordinary grandparent they have. Oh, crap. Now I am crying. :(

[MikeC]

I know that they live quite a distance from you, but might it be possible to somehow arrange two short visits a year, rather than one long visit?

Two weeks can be a long time, even if everyone is completely compatible. Would two brief visits tax everyone's nerves a bit less, maybe?

[Robyn1007]

Mike I was thinking the same thing. Two weeks is hard on a lot of people. Even those relationships that aren't inherently difficult can be pushed past limits in two weeks. I would definitely look at shortening any future visits that way your kids get to spend time with Papa but the burden to both you and your mother will be lessened.

[leightx]

I have a great relationship with my own parents (and actually my IL's too), but I think we'd all be at the end of our ropes after 2 weeks. Then again, we're lucky to live close enough where we can have weekend visits about once a month, which is just about perfect. Do you think your parents could come visit you for a week? That might help with the driving time (28 hours twice a year is a lot!) and/or flight expense. Or would dad consider coming alone, if you don't think your mom could handle it?

[badunnin]

I know that they live quite a distance from you, but might it be possible to somehow arrange two short visits a year, rather than one long visit?

Two weeks can be a long time, even if everyone is completely compatible. Would two brief visits tax everyone's nerves a bit less, maybe?


Or, one week with mom and dad, and one week with just you and the kids, doing something you enjoy?

[Kay Henderson]

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time! Spending as little time together as possible seems the only solution for the short term.

I would suggest that future visits of this sort be one week max. Two weeks is an awful lot of togetherness for folks at all ends of the spectrum from kids to the sandwich generation caught in the middle to the older folks. If finances permit, perhaps staying somewhere else (a hotel or apartment, arranging a nearby home exchange, etc.) could reduce even this time -- as could (via exchange if desired), a trip to a place neutral for all of you. You might also consider (again one week max) having your parents visit you or stay nearby.

I wondered about depression also. Asking your father if there have been any recent changes might be worthwhile. "Dad, I notice that Mom seems troubled this visit. Are there any health changes I don't know about?" [menopause?] It may be something that has nothing to do with you -- having to deal with her own failing parents, for example.

Good luck and I hope the rest of the summer mellows out and you can enjoy it!

Kay

[stefania4]

You've gotten some great insight/advice. I'm just going to add that walking on eggshells for two weeks is not "petty." It's nerve-wracking and exasperating and relationship-poisoning, and I'm glad you asked for some help with getting through it.

[jmarie]

I feel so badly for you. I had two parents, the good one died much too early. It isn't that my mom is a bad person, it is just that she has her favorites and mine weren't them.

It's just sad when grandparents miss out on something so wonderful as a relationship with their grandchildren...( I have none, but will rejoice when I do!)

What was supposed to be a good time has turned sour and I bet you spent awhile looking forward to this trip. Maybe right before you go, you could sit down and have a heart to heart with your mom and just don't call or anything, for awhile. Give her time to think about it and then when you do call, just not mention it and see where it goes.

Hang in there.

[AvrilH]

Wow. You guys are realy supportive!

I agree that 2 weeks is a long time, however we go our separate ways a lot while I am here, so it's not like she's feeding us every night or anything. I guess I have trouble accepting this just doesn't work.

I won't come out next year, and if I come a year later my youngest will be 8, and she might be better able to handle all of the kids.

And JMarie - you broke my heart. My father will be a huge loss to many people when he goes, but most notably to his grandsons. I would be absolutely crushed if he dies before they have had a chance to grow up knowing him. 25 more years takes him to 85 - I'll cross my fingers.

And some day I'll have a heart to heart with my Mom. I've been saying that for 15 years. :O

[ChristyMarie]

It's just really hard that it has to be so hard (sorry for the lack of eloquence). I loved my grandparents dearly and they were a huge part of my life. My parents are all the boys have really (we have no cousins or aunts or uncles and DH's mother is in Australia) and if they can't spend time with their Papa at his house, swimming and playing football with him, they'll never know the one extraordinary grandparent they have. Oh, crap. Now I am crying. :(


There's no reason you cannot offer a support system of wonderful friends for your children. We're having a rather large first birthday party for our son today. 23 people! (we honestly thought about 12 would be able to come) Only 2 "real" family members (my mom and grandma). However, every single person there cares about him, sees him on a regular basis, and enriches his life. Good friends can make all the difference in a situation like this. His other grandparents and aunt have no clue what they are missing but that is their choice. And now I'm crying, thanks!;)

[emptyspool]

There are all different kinds of grandparents. My mother who loved my boys dearly and welcomed our visits never hesitated to tell me if I would leave them with her for three weeks she would fix them. Hahahahahaha.....right. They loved her dearly also.

My MIL thought the boys were perfect. My FIL on the otherhand was quite bothered by this band of brothers (3 in 5 years) and the noise and activity level in a small house. I actually was quite a militant mom and minded them closely but I think mostly he felt out of control and was used to being commander of the house.

One visit was particularly difficult and I told my husband he would have to do something. He kindly told my FIL that he knew it was disruptive and noisy to have us visit and if it was too much for him that we didn't have to bring the boys, we didn't want to make things difficult for him. That's all it took, he never had issues with the kids again, began to enjoy them as he should and they have wonderful memories of him.

My husbands brother had two daughters and he bent to the grandfathers demands, insisting they speak when spoken to, make no noise etc. PaPa told me once when the girls were teenagers that they wouldn't talk to him and he didn't understand why.....I did, they were afraid too!

So I wouldn't really ask your kids to change to suit your mom, your kids sound fine and really NORMAL to me. But as I said in the beginning, there are all kinds of grandparents and that is what you can explain to you kids. Some like babies, some like the middle schoolers, some like the teenagers, some like all of them, some like noise, some don't. Kids somehow just love grandparents and overlook their shortcomings far more than we parents do.
Good luck!