Explaining different skin color to DS -- need help

[misskitty100]

DS has recently begun to notice that not all people have the same color of skin as he does and he will comment on it. How should I explain to him that peoples skin color isn't important and that we don't need to talk about it.

He has brought it up maybe 2 times with me or at home but also last weekend I was speaking to a women at Seattle Center and he made a comment about her there too.
:o

[Jazzmatazz49]

Why not talk about it? He's going to. People have different color hair, different color skin, and some are tall and some are short. People from different races look different, that's why they're of different races. The worst thing would be if he thought it was "not to be talked about." You know how kids always want to make a big deal out the forbidden.:eek:

[Kristilyn1]

I'm not sure what you mean by "we don't need to talk about it". Of course you should talk about it. At his age, I would simply explain about pigmentation of skin. Later, when it will mean something to him---explain how some people think that skin color means inferiority or superiority and THEN explain why that's wrong. But to not talk about it, or tell him it doesn't need to be discussed--I think is sending a message that it is somehow wrong or shameful.

Kristi

[misskitty100]

Wow ... you guys are fast! ;)

Okay, I will explain to him tonight about the different colors of skin (which we have talked about before)....I was just mortified when he said something infront of this women in Seattle and didn't know what to say to him.

[Terri_A]

I found it helpful to have a friend, who happens to have skin a different color than the weeone and I, have this discussion with us. We talked about different skin colors and what it affected - ie, does it affect how fast you run or how well you color inside the lines or what kind of friend you are? Those types of things. I also have talked about disabled and disfigured people as they usually notice those differences quicker. Based on our faith, I also remind her that all of these different people were made by God, are loved by God and are, in that way, JUST like us. She seems to understand, doesn't care anymore and the only time I hear her use skin color distinctions is to differentiate between two friends with the same name ( there's brown Charlie and peach Charlie:D ).

To me, the topic of "Am I fat or skinny?" that the weeone brought up last week was tougher.

[DmOrtega]

I heard or read somewhere that someone explained to their kids that people are like flowers. No two are ever alike. There are as many sizes, colors, and personalities as there are flowers. I have used that on many occasions to remind myself and my kids that there will always be differences between households, freinds, family, neighbors, states, and countries. Not only in the way we look but also in the way we think and feel. No two people are completely the same. How boring would the world be if the only flowers we had were roses?

[Canice]

No specific recommendations, though I love the idea of an honest chat with a friend of another ethnicity - precisely because we seem, as a society, to say "this isn't something we need to talk about". I think we need to talk about it more, not less, and things that "are not to be discussed" are things that are associated with being dirty or crude, and I certainly wouldn't want that connection to be made.
I think kids are *always* going to come up with something the parents find mortifying, but I also think most people understand the curiosity and honesty/innocence of children. I'd have the conversations sooner rather than later, myself.

[Robyncz]

I think the key to those situations--like the one in the airport--is the way YOU react to it. If you get all flustered and embarrassed, then it might seem, both to your son and to the person in question, that you've got a problem.

These things are going to happen. "Look, Mommy, that lady has brown skin." "Look, Mommy, that guy's really fat." "Hey Mommy, what's wrong with that girl's face?" In my opinion, you need to have an affirmative answer at the ready, that you can expound upon later, in private.

"Yes, son, isn't it cool how we all look different? That's one of the things that makes life so interesting!"

Then later, in the privacy of your home or the car, where you're less likely to be flustered and embarrassed by how you're perceived by that other person, you can provide an explanation about skin color, or body shape, or handicaps, or whatever.

I can't agree more with those who say you should definitely talk about it. Avoiding things like this sets you both up for a lifetime of avoiding tricky issues, and that's no good for anyone!

[Gumbeaux]

Tolerence.org (http://www.tolerance.org/pt/index.html) is a good site. You can also get tons of information by Googling "teaching kids diversity".

[slknight]

"Yes, son, isn't it cool how we all look different? That's one of the things that makes life so interesting!"

This is the route we're trying to take. DS has very curly hair and I don't, so I sometimes use that as a comparison when he's asking about something. I'll say "Well you have curly hair and I don't. Everybody's different."

This is going to sound weird to many of you in ethnically diverse places, but I honestly sometimes go weeks and weeks without seeing someone who is non-Caucasian. :eek:

[ChristieinMB]

I say let the person with the different skin color answer also, it makes it all so normal.
I remember my young son asking a woman why she walked the way she did. She nicely explained polio to him, telling him how she got it as a child, but lived when many others didn't, now she limps.

Another time, in a restaurant, he loudly said, oh she's bigger, the obese woman's husband, turned to him and said yes, she is queen size, with a smile. He was simply a young child amazed to see such a big person. Then, many things amazed him.

[sneezles]

I always found it interesting that none of my boys ever mentioned this, even when talking about classmates I never knew what race a friend of theirs was until I was in the classroom or on a fieldtrip. Their grandfather was confined to a wheel chair by the time they were born and a neighbor across the street was a polio victim and used crutches. They had classmates with disabilities as well. The school they started at when they were very young (2.5) was very diverse.

[Beth Y]

When my kids were younger, I explained that a person's skin color was based on what part of the world their ancestors FIRST came from. We talked about how people that live in different parts of the world often have different skin colors, so that if they see people that have different colored skin, that often means that they are from a different country, or that their grandparents, or great grandparents and back and back and back, may have lived first in a different country (they liked talking about this part). It is helpful, too that we have several couple/friends that are married that are from VERY different backgrounds (korean/anglo and chinese/ghianan) and their kids are quite of obvious mix of both cultures. Plus, my husbands Dad had kinda dark skin (not sure what from) and one of the my twins has darker skin than my two DD's, clearly from his Granddad. So, they easily "got" this and then skin color just became something that had to do with where or your "way back" grandparents, were from. Had nothing to do with anything else.

I would think that talking about skin color, at first, by talking about race and whether skin color had anything to do with someone being "better" or not, or to talk about racism too early, would be confusing for young kids. It wasn't until my oldest was older, around 1st grade, that we started talking about the historical implications of skin color. I had a long talk with her first grade teacher, who was black, about how to broach the subject. Luckily, she said "don't you worry, I will take care of it for you" (she was a KNOCK OUT great teacher) but because they were talking about a lot of historical things then, it was easier to talk about slaves and racism, etc. at home too. There are a series of books that are called, "If you were a ....." and then "Pilgrim at the first Thanksgiving" or "Child in Colonial Williamsburg" or "Traveler on the Oregon Trail". THey are great books and they do a good job talking about how people were treated differently historically than they are treated now, such as how girls couldn't go to school in colonial times and blacks were often slaves. This opened up an easy discussion of how, historically, people treated people differently based on wrong assumptions about race and gender.

Just my two cents.

[misskitty100]

So many great ideas here -- you guys never dissapoint!!

[DmOrtega]

...This is going to sound weird to many of you in ethnically diverse places, but I honestly sometimes go weeks and weeks without seeing someone who is non-Caucasian. :eek:

This doesn't change the fact that people all over the world are not the same. You live where you feel works for you and your family. Personally, I looked at the school districts, so I guess that I live where I felt our kids would get the best education, in this area. I did not move here because of the diversity. It was because my kids will get a good education. No questions asked.

[slknight]

This doesn't change the fact that people all over the world are not the same.

Of course it doesn't change that! I was merely remarking on it because it's so weird to me. I grew up in a very ethnically diverse place and since I no longer live in one it's very noticeable to me.

[DmOrtega]

Understood. I am just having a bad night. Please. it's not personal. Ethnically diverse places do not exist everywhere. That would be Utopia.

[do-lolly]

I love when they are little and the world hasn't influenced them yet. It took DS1 a long time before he even noticed that there were different skin colors and then when he did, it was just a matter of fact, no judgement. People were either brown or peach or tan. When asked to describe someone, DS would say "she was tall, with brown hair and peach skin etc. We had the conversation about everyone looking different and how no matter what people look like, we are all the same and we all have the same emotions.

The day he came home from school and used the terms black and white was kind of a sad day to me. I guess it's because, in my mind, that marked the day that I knew he was being influenced by other people. Does that sound silly? He's in sixth grade now, and I am very proud of him because he still judges people by the content of their character and not by appearance, so even though he is out in the world and being influenced by others, he still practices what he learned at home.

[Canice]

Of course it doesn't change that! I was merely remarking on it because it's so weird to me. I grew up in a very ethnically diverse place and since I no longer live in one it's very noticeable to me.

It was an observation - nothing more. Understood. :)

I'm the opposite of you: I'm technically a minority where I live, and the first time I looked at my grammar school pictures as an adult they were truly startling to me -- a sea of white faces with usually one vaguely "brown" or "beige" visage among them. The photos honestly looked staged to me; I see throngs of school kids all the time now, and no group looks like that.

As far as whether it's better to send your kids to the schools with the highest test scores or schools with greater social and ethnic diversity -- well, that's a different thread altogether.

[hollysmom]

The only place where I see virtually no diversity is in the Annual Reports that I receive from large companies - most/all middle-aged white men.

Bechtel (where I work) is amazingly diverse - makes for an interesting workplace -

But about the kid - depending on the age - I would work the geography angle and get out a globe and use as a teaching moment. You also might check out some other ethnic restaurants. That would be fun.

Holly has had a blind friend since she was 2 so disabilities are easily understood.

SSM

[FruitsAlive]

Another time, in a restaurant, he loudly said, oh she's bigger, the obese woman's husband, turned to him and said yes, she is queen size, with a smile. He was simply a young child amazed to see such a big person. Then, many things amazed him.

That's the cutest thing.

[stacy7272]

Like Canice, I'm in an area where more often than not over half the kids have darker skin of some sort so it isn't really an issue.

But when my kids ask me about skin color I actually tell them why people have different colored skin. Like Beth mentioned, I say that it depends on where their ancestors came from because different parts of the world have different amounts of sun. The more sun a place has the darker the peoples' skin will have evolved to be to protect them from that sun.

I go on to say that our ancestors came from a place with less sun than the place that we are living in now and that is why I have to slather them with sunblock each day! :D We don't have enough melanin in our skin to protect us.

[Debralynn]

It is something to talk about!! Why wouldn't you???
When my kids were toddlers and questioned me on this, I held my arm up to their arm and said NO TWO PEOPLE HAVE THE SAME SKIN COLOR, NOT EVEN YOU AND ME!!!!! I continued to explain that some people are very dark and some people are very light and the two of us are just a few shades apart!
This is easy.........wait until the sex questions start!!!!!!! :eek: Debralynn

[TKay]

The day he came home from school and used the terms black and white was kind of a sad day to me.

I just had this happen to me. For the most part, my boys have not mentioned or questioned a person's ethnicity. We live in an area of, I'd say, predominantly white and Asian people, with a mix of Latin/Mexican and African-Americans. (My boys have had friends of all races.) The other day, we were at the public swimming pool. My 5-year-old got out of the pool, upset. He came to me and told me that one of the kids was bossing him around. I didn't quite understand. In an effort to explain, he said, "You see that black boy? He was telling me he was the boss of the pool." I didn't care so much what the boy did or didn't say. I was startled that my son used the term "black" to describe the boy. I thought, where did he get that? I don't think we ever use it at home.
Then, last night, we were reading The Magic Tree House book about the civil war. My sister had begun reading the story with the boys the evening before. I realized that may be where he heard the term, because they did use it in the story (talking about slavery and the reason for the civil war).
My (white) friend was travelling to Detroit to visit her in-laws. She had her three-year-old girl with her at the time. They swam in the hotel pool and there were other people around. The child started talking to a young woman who happened to be African-American. The girl said, "I like your eyes, they're so brown." The woman responded, "And I like your eyes, they're so blue." The girl said, "I like your skin, it's so brown." The woman responded, "And I like your skin, it's so white." It was all very pleasant and tension-free.
I guess my point is that kids see things in an unfiltered way at first. Then they get indoctrinated into the world and start attaching values and beliefs to certain things. I guess it's our job to keep those paths as clear as possible so they can continue making unbiased observations throughout their lives. I don't know why the "black boy" observation bothered me so much other than the fact that my son was using a lable related to someone's skin color. He wasn't making a judgement about it. Yet I naiively would like to lengthen the time when we don't even seem to notice it, let alone use it to describe someone.

[avariell]

I worked at a private daycare/preschool and taught kindergarten. one of the most adorable little boys in my "class" was adopted by his mother. he had been a crackbaby (i have no idea if there is a less crass term for this... :confused: i dont meant to offend anyone) and had a lot of violent outbursts. but he could also be the sweetest child. i adored him and his mother who struggled everyday to cope with his problems. anyhoo, she also had a little girl who was a toddler and bi-racial. the little boy would always say to me "i'm chocolate, my mommy is vanilla and ayliah is caramel". i can hear him say it in my mind perfectly... and i hope i never forget it :)

[misskitty100]

It is something to talk about!! Why wouldn't you???


I should clarify ....I didn't mean to imply we cannot talk about this EVER. I was trying to tell him that we shouldn't comment on peoples looks out loud when they are right in front of us. I guess that was just how I was raised.....

[AvrilH]

I had this discussion with my DS.3 (6 yo) last night. We recently visited friends that are ethnically diverse within their family: Dad is Indian, Mom is white/blond, their boys are "caramel" (to borrow from Avariell's story) and they have an adopted daughter from the Caribbean (very very dark skinned and classic caribbean features).

DS said that her skin color bothered him - why couldn't we be the same? It was simple enough to point out that he and his oldest brother are blond and blue eyed (like my DH), and their middle brother is dark haired and skinned, like me! I asked if he loved middle DS less bc of his brown eyes and darker skin. He said "Of course not!" and a lightbulb went on..... All of a sudden he said that our friend's black skin and tight curls were cool!

[Debralynn]

yes, Misskitty, I would never discuss it in front of other people. It is a private conversation to share with you and your child. Sorry I miss understood and thought it was a topic that you didn't want to discuss with your child. :) Debralynn

[Gumbeaux]

I was startled that my son used the term "black" to describe the boy.

I wouldn't be too tough on you son for using this terminology at his young age. I would encourage him to use a non racial way to identify someone if that is possible -red shirt, white pants, etc.

All race identifying terms are under scrutiny these days, including the term African-American. It is more offensive to some people than the term "black".