Need your opinions on job-changing (long)

[LittleBrownCat]

DH was at ABC Company for about 2 years. He hated the commute--although his job was only one town over, it took him 30 minutes to get there, and he would come home almost every day b!tching about something that happened on his commute. In addition, he hated his job. His bosses kept promising him things that never materialized, they dumped work on him with no regard for how long it would really take (they would promise a client something in two weeks that would take at least a month, etc. etc.), and just in general treat him like sh!t. He did like his co-workers a lot though, and still keeps in touch with them, both by email and in person. He got wind of a job at a company a couple towns north of us, checked it out, seemed impressed, applied and got the job. He's been at his new job for about 3 weeks or so and what seemed like a godsend when he first heard of it has now come to seem like something he can't wait to leave. He hates the whole corporate thing--it's been almost 20 years since he's worked in a corporate environment, and he's gotten used to being a big fish in a little pond, the guy everyone came running to for help; now he's just another cog out of 500 other cogs. He hates all the meetings he has to go to, he hates having to do all kinds of reading of documentation, he hates having to follow company procedure and not be free to do things his way. He does like the location, and the perks, and the commute is a lot better (although it still takes him 30 minutes, it's much less stressful), and he hasn't mentioned anything negative about his co-workers.

The few times since he left the old job that we've met up with some of his former co-workers, they've all talked about wanting him back, and say that management would like him back too, and to speak to this or that one to arrange something. He's really feeling like he's made a mistake with this new job, and really wants to go back to the old job. I've tried to talk him out of it, because I have this feeling that no matter what they promise him at the beginning (and they will), he's just going to wind up as miserable as he was before and hating himself for going back. However, he argues that he doesn't have the freedom with this new job that he had with the old one and that this would be the case anywhere else he might go (he says it would take him a year to get the kind of freedom of schedule that he wants). DH is trying to get a photo business started, and needs time to meet with the lawyer, the accountant etc., not to mention that his schedule needs to be flexible if he has to take time off for a photo shoot. It's only a part-time thing right now, but he would like to make it full-time at some point in the future. He argues that the new job won't give him the necessary flexiblility, which was something he had at the old job.

I really, really don't want to see him go back there, but I also know how important the photography thing is to him and I want him to be happy. The money thing is not really an issue, since the pay is about the same at both places. He definitely has better perks at the new place, though; his old job only gave him 3 sick days and two weeks of vacation (extremely paltry for a senior software engineer he says). I don't want this to become a big issue with us, but I also don't want to go the "whatever you think is best dear" route either. Any thoughts on how to handle this thorny situation?

[misskitty100]

That's a tough one.

Seems like there should be some other options not just Job A or Job B. What other jobs are out there for him to do?

[Meganator]

Can you clarify why you feel so strongly that he shouldn't go back to the old job?

[avariell]

Can you clarify why you feel so strongly that he shouldn't go back to the old job?


i agree- this might help you figure out what you think too.


also, i will add that 3 weeks isn't enough time to really judge a job imho. if i had judged my current job after the first three weeks (i think the first two i went home crying wish i could get my old job back), i would have quit or jumped off a roof by now :) it could really improve. i would, if nothing else, give it a little more time.

[Deechef]

Sounds like he really wants to go back to the first place. Anything they promise him I would get in writing. At his level, he should have 4 weeks vacation IMO. That would help him greatly in taking days off to pursue his photo interest. HOpe it all works out well for him.

[LittleBrownCat]

Seems like there should be some other options not just Job A or Job B. What other jobs are out there for him to do?

Oh, there are plenty of jobs here (Massachusetts) in the software development field; even discounting the ones that don't meet his criteria (close to home, no traveling, etc.) I think he could find something. However, he's just got it in his head that no other company but ABC will offer him the flexibility he needs. He feels like he can't (or isn't willing to) wait for the year it would probably take him at a new job to get the flexibililty he's looking for. I happen to believe he's wrong; call me Pollyanna, but I just think there's got to be a job out there that will give him what he needs if he just looks for it. In his defense though, he's gone through long job searches before, and I think he's become sort of jaded about the whole thing.



Can you clarify why you feel so strongly that he shouldn't go back to the old job?


He was miserable for almost the whole time he was there. He came home almost every day (and I'm not exaggerating) complaining about the commute, something stupid his bosses did, or something stupid the clients did. Very rarely did he come home not complaining about something. It's not that I don't want to listen to his complaining, it's that if he found the right job, he wouldn't have so much to complain about. I also feel that his old job was affecting his health. His blood pressure was always up, and he always felt stressed. He actually took two weeks off unpaid because of the stress. He's going to be 50 next year, he's overweight, and has a serious case of GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease). I don't he needs to be going back to such a stressful situation. He can be a huge pain in the a$$ (I tell him this all the time and he just grins and says "thank you"--it's a running joke) but I'd like to keep him around for a while anyway.

I think he's deluding himself that things will be better next time around simply because he's so unhappy where he is. Sure, they'll promise him more vacation time and sick/personal time (and maybe they'll even deliver) and they'll tell him he can work only on the dotnet project and spend minimal time on other stuff, and so on....but in reality? They'll wind up treating him just as shabbily as they did before, and unless he gets all those promises in writing, they'll be just that, promises, not reality. I'm just not sure the flexibility of schedule he'd gain is worth all cr@p he'll get with it.

[dixie]

well, call ME Pollyanna, but perhaps he needed to go elsewhere to see that the "old" job wasn't so horrible after all? Maybe he needed to experience that whole the grass isn't REALLY greener thing to realize that bad drivers and stupid bosses can be offset by great co-workers and a flexible work environment.

Anyway, speaking from some experience - a dh that HATED corporate America and went thru some stressful (on all of us!) job situations before settling in...it will have to be his decision because even though it truly affects everyone, he has to actually live with it. I know you are just trying to help, its hard!!!

[Robyn1007]

I'm going to be really honest here. It sounds to me that no matter what job he has he's going to find something to complain about. For many, including me at times :o , our nature is just to complain. A 30 minute commute isn't bad really. Until recently I was commuting somewhere between 2-3 hours per day. I'm now more like 15-20 minutes which is great but not very common around here.

It sounds to me that he's trying to do something that will make him happier in the long run and maybe this experience will help him resolve to make the new business happen faster. I think he's the only one who can decide whether Job A or Job B is the lesser of two evils. Also, I agree that judging a job after 3 weeks is probably too early.

[Kristilyn1]

I think you should say "whatever you want to do dear". Only because----he's bitching about both jobs--what's the difference?

Sorry, sounds like he's one of those people that needs things to complain about. I would only say I'd beware of going back, because I think companies have a long memory. He's the one going back after 3 weeks---they'll know they have him by the short hairs unless they offer him some big raise or something.

Kristi

[LittleBrownCat]

I agree that 3 weeks is a bit soon to be deciding he doesn't like it there. I think he needs to be there for a bit longer before deciding to leave. And yeah, he's complained about every job he's had (and he's had quite a few--goes with the territory). But I also think he's got his mind made up that he's never going to be happy there (did I mention that he's really stubborn :rolleyes: ). And I know how very important the whole photography thing is to him. He's gotten burnt out on software development after 20 years or so, and he's finally found something that he's good, and likes to do. He's actually been kind of busy with the photography lately but he's also been very happy with it. If I could wave my magic wand and give him a thriving photo business right now, I would. It's gonna be tough getting to the point where the photography pays the bills, although I think he can get there. I guess it's gonna be a little hard in the meantime, though.

[boisewinesnob]

Just throwing this thought out there.....
maybe he's in the wrong career field? If that's the case then yes, he is going to complain about his job no matter where he's employed.

I had a job for a few years that I didn't like. There were some good things about it (nice boss, flexible hours where I could come and go as I needed to) but the actual work was so boring for me. And really I learned that any desk/computer job will drive me absolutely crazy.

Have all his jobs been in the same field? If so, then he should probably rethink what he's doing.

[greatcook]

I think 3 weeks is definitely too soon to make any changes. A new job is a big change, and takes some adjusting too- I personally feel that you have very little idea what a position/environment is like until you've been there 3 months. IMO, that's the point where you feel comfortable going to work, instead of stressed out about how unfamiliar everything is. I think he should wait it out- just because something isn't easy initially doesn't mean it won't be worth it. If his old job wants him back now, they'll still want him back in a few months should he decide it's what he really wants.

[greysangel]

I would only say I'd beware of going back, because I think companies have a long memory. He's the one going back after 3 weeks---they'll know they have him by the short hairs unless they offer him some big raise or something.

Kristi

100% in agreement here. 3 weeks is way too early and I'm just one of those people that believe you can NEVER go back. If he wants to go back, he should negotiate better terms...though truth be told he should have tried to negotiate before leaving. Ultimately he's got to do what he feels is best, but I would say to encourage him to stick it out and focus on the career change and getting that business off the ground even if it's initially difficult with time, investment etc.

[donnamp14]

I'd sell my soul (almost) for a 30 minute commute!

But I think he needs to know and understand that with every new job comes a period of extreme unceratinty. Did I make a mistake? Was this the right move? Will this all work out? Will I ever feel comfortable here? Sounds to me like he's just venting his anxiety and frustrations on you. He ought to, IMHO, give it 6 months at least, and then decide. The old job he left will still be the old job he left, if you know what I mean.

Good luck!

-Donna

[mbrogier]

I'm going to be really honest here. It sounds to me that no matter what job he has he's going to find something to complain about. For many, including me at times :o , our nature is just to complain. A 30 minute commute isn't bad really. Until recently I was commuting somewhere between 2-3 hours per day. I'm now more like 15-20 minutes which is great but not very common around here.

It sounds to me that he's trying to do something that will make him happier in the long run and maybe this experience will help him resolve to make the new business happen faster. I think he's the only one who can decide whether Job A or Job B is the lesser of two evils. Also, I agree that judging a job after 3 weeks is probably too early.


I'm with Robyn. (in my best Gomer Pyle voice: Sur-prise, Suur, prise, Surprise:D )

My husband, Rob, can be very negative about his life situations. We have a running joke of me asking him where he left his tail that day :p--since he sounds so much like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh and the Hundred Acre Woods.

I have always wanted Rob to have a job that he loves. He's in computers, and he's made some changes over the years to do the work that he enjoys the most. He's come to realize that a lot of companies will take advantage of you, and no job will be perfect in every way.

Rob worked for the supervisor from hell at his last job--where they laid him and 40 some other employees off. This guy promised Rob a 15% bonus last year and told Rob to trust him that the bonus would happen. Rob didn't get his boss' promise in writing, and when bonus time came around, the supervisor had a case of selective amnesia, so Rob got the standard 10% bonus. Rob was very hurt because he had poured his life and soul into making that company great. He worked 70-90 hour work weeks without overtime. He was constantly learning new technology to help the company go public. They laid everyone off after most of the work was done, and more liquid funds were needed to make the venture capital guys impressed. Then a big deal fell through for the company, and they are folding. Karma bites.

Rob has a commute that is 1-2 hours each way depending on traffic, and he has a few people that he works for/with that act like they go out of their way to cause issues. He loves *what* he is doing, though. This company hasn't hired him yet, so he is working as a contractor. We're just happy he has a job because the IT market in Chicago isn't so hot. We also want to move to Raleigh, NC, as soon as possible to get closer to our families.

I'd say that you should sit down with your husband and remind him that he hasn't liked any job he's had. See if he can narrow down exactly what is making him so unhappy. I do think he should hold out at the other job for a couple of months. He could still quietly be looking for new positions. Also remind him that this is just temporary until he gets his venture off the ground. You could also remind him that a shorter commute time means more time with his photo business.

I wish you well. I talked to Rob about his Eeyore personality, and he has really changed. He's funny and friendly to everyone. He took the Andrew Carnegie seminar, and I've noticed a huge difference. Maybe that could also be an option? A good rapport with people is always useful, especially if you're dealing with wedding photography, bridezillas, momzillas, etc. The networking in the class was also amazing. (I in no way get any kickbacks from or are employed by Andrew Carnegie--it just helped Rob so much perhaps it will help your husband, LBC.)