To Inform or Not to Inform - that IS the question

[wwhirledpeas]

Please be kind - Though I have responded numerous times, this is my virgin post.

We have always exchanged birthday gifts in our family. At Christmas we only gift the children, but for birthdays - siblings and spouses too.

The year before last my, then 15 year old, son mentioned that his aunt, that lives out west, did not send him a birthday card with her standard gift card enclosed. I initially thought that he must have received it and forgotten for she is the most anal of the family about the gifts.

She sent a Christmas gift to him, per usual. Gifted my other child at her birthday and at Christmas, per usual.

This year when his birthday came in May, I decided to watch more carefully so that I could make sure to point it out to him. No card or gift came. When I birthday gifted her daughter a few weeks later, I thought that might jar her memory - NOT. Still sure that there was a logical answer - I told my son that since she was coming for a visit this summer, she probably was holding off till she got here because this year she had the opportunity to gift him in person.

While she was here we celebrated summer birthdays at a family gathering. Out west Aunt gifted all the other kids (and my husband) that had recent birthdays. Not my son.

It is clear that she has forgotten him. Which I am a bit surprised for there was MUCH discussion about his recently getting his drivers license.

If you know a 16 year old - you KNOW how vulnerable they are. He is kind of crushed and often mentions it.

Would you mention it to her (she is my husband's sister) and if you think I should - what words would you use?

Why OH why could not it have been MY birthday that she forgot?

[suebear37]

I'd take the "did you send it & it must have gotten lost in the mail because I know you couldn't have forgotten his b-day" approach.

She might have skipped this year if she sent something last year & it got lost in the mail & she never received any acknowledgment from your son.

When in doubt, try to pin it on the post office (no offense intended if anyone works for the postal service... please don't go postal on me!!!)

[badunnin]

How old is her daughter? I know we have an age limit in my family for gifts. Maybe she has something like this in her mind?

[Chefzhat]

"You've neglected to gift my son on his birthday for two years now, please tell me if there is some way that we've offended you and how to fix it?" Or something like that. :)

Is this your sister? Why not just call and say "what the heck?"? She just could be having a total brainfart.

It's kinda odd that your son mentions it often, though. But maybe birthdays are big deals with your family - and that's okay. My guys probably wouldn't notice - well they'd notice if I made a deal about it, but other than that - nope. But we're not really big on birthdays around here. They get gifts from us and my parents and that's about it.

Hope you can get it worked out!

Debie

[Chefzhat]

Good gravy - I just re-read and see that it's your hubby's sister.

Hand him the phone and make him make the WTH call! :)

[Robyn1007]

I agree that maybe something got lost and she feels like there wasn't an acknowledgment? Or maybe she has an arbitrary age limit? Or, maybe she just doesn't get how hurtful it can be. I was just a bit younger when my step family on my step mother's side quit giving me holiday and birthday gifts. It was quite hurtful but I just dealt with it. I never would have brought it up to my step mother or father. Actually, this last year one of those step aunts found out later that I had been with my dad and step mom for Christmas and she had sent gifts for everyone else but me (hand knit scarves). I got a hand knit scarf 5 months later for my birthday with a note that she felt really badly that she hadn't sent one at Christmas. While I appreciate the sentiment it was a too little too late for me in a way. I don't care at 29/30 but certainly did at 15.

So, what am I saying? I'd talk with her and find out the circumstances but your son is also going to have to learn that gifts just shouldn't be a given.

[wwhirledpeas]

How old is her daughter? I know we have an age limit in my family for gifts.
My daughter is older and both of her children are older.

[Robyn1007]

My daughter is older and both of her children are older.

Hmmm, well, that rules that one out. :rolleyes: Call her.

[beacooker]

Has your son always been good about thank-yous? If he has always been good about them, if she didn't get an acknowledgment last year, because the gift card got lost either on her end or yours, it would seem pretty petty of her to start withholding gifts. One time does not make a pattern! But if he hasn't been good about them, and the other kids have, I would suspect that is why she isn't doing it.

I agree with getting DH to ask!

[Robyncz]

I know my mom got tired of sending gifts to a particular neice because she never acknowledged them. I'm not saying this is what happened, but is it possible that he failed to thank her and she's on a gift strike?

[Chefzhat]

I know my mom got tired of sending gifts to a particular neice because she never acknowledged them. I'm not saying this is what happened, but is it possible that he failed to thank her and she's on a gift strike?

I did that with one of my nieces. :) When I finally got the phone call about "where are her presents!" from my sister, we had a nice discussion about relationships, courtesy, and how to acknowledge a gift.

[wwhirledpeas]

Has your son always been good about thank-yous? !

LOL He is the best of all of the family kids.

Out West Aunt is one of those mothers that sends me a note after Christmas, "Little Johnnie (now 19yo) loved the magazine subscription you sent him and Suzy(now 21) really appreciated that Itunes card"

My other nieces and nephews don't acknowledge gifts - whatsoever. I have to ask their parents if the gift was received.

It makes me insane.

My kids send email thank you notes. My 21 year old, I remind her. The 16 year old, I badger and KNOW he did send a thank you email letter to each person that gifted him, including Out West Aunt, because I was standing in the kitchen when he was doing it. He has not written her a thank you for the birthday gift email for several years - since he has gotten nothing to thank her for.

So, Y'all think I should have hubby call her up and say, "I think your gift to Sonnyboy got lost in the mail...."

[Robyncz]

So, Y'all think I should have hubby call her up and say, "I think your gift to Sonnyboy got lost in the mail...."

Yep! Since it wouldn't appear to be a thank-you issue, I think this is what you should do.

[Angelina]

The 16 year old, I badger and KNOW he did send a thank you email letter to each person that gifted him, including Out West Aunt, because I was standing in the kitchen when he was doing it. He has not written her a thank you for the birthday gift email for several years - since he has gotten nothing to thank her for.



I am confused...does he or doesn't he send her email thank you's?

Angela

[Robyn1007]

I am confused...does he or doesn't he send her email thank you's?

Angela

He hasn't sent thank yous in the last couple of years because he hasn't received a gift.

[Angelina]

Oh...ok...with "several" I thought she meant more than the last 2 years. :)

Angela

[armel]

I guess I always thought I had the option to give somebody a gift or not to give them a gift. So unless you believe that it is unintentional, I would just let it go.

[mom2garret]

Have your husband approach the subject. Maybe she forgot 1st yr, thought she sent something and when no thank you came, she got hurt.
Jodi

[wwhirledpeas]

I guess I always thought I had the option to give somebody a gift or not to give them a gift. So unless you believe that it is unintentional, I would just let it go.

And thus lies the reason I have not mentioned it previously.

If it was MY birthday that was forgotten - I would go to my grave never ever mentioning it.

[armel]

And thus lies the reason I have not mentioned it previously.

If it was MY birthday that was forgotten - I would go to my grave never ever mentioning it.

I seem to be in the minority. The rest of the folks say to go ahead and ask her in some way. But it might be a good time to learn that gifts are always a delightful surprise, should be appreciated, and never expected. A lesson that will last a lifetime of gratefulness.

Of course, I have been known to be inconsistent in giving gifts so I could be rationalizing. Sometimes I manage it, sometimes I don't. And I can go years being the best at giving gifts on everybody's birthday and writing thank you cards etc. Then somehow it just falls apart. Especially since I live on the West coast and the "family" lives in the midwest. Easy for time to get away and for me to not do it. Or, I just have no good idea of what to give. I always manage Christmas gifts but birthdays are a different story.

[aggie94]

I agree that gifts should not be expected. However, I think it's rude and disrespectful for a family member to send particular kids in one family gifts while excluding others. I would never dream of sending one nephew a birthday present while ignoring his other siblings. I can totally see how your DS would be hurt, and if it were me, I would have DH ask his sister what the deal is.

[armel]

I agree that gifts should not be expected. However, I think it's rude and disrespectful for a family member to send particular kids in one family gifts while excluding others.

Even so, it is her decision. I still would just let it go.

[minnie99]

I would just let it go. I agree that gifts should never be expected.

[suebear37]

I would just let it go. I agree that gifts should never be expected.

But what if she had sent a gift & it had gotten lost? Doesn't she, as a gift giver, deserve to know that her family isn't sure what happened? If she decided to cut off the gift-giving at a certain age, fine. She should have relayed that to someone. But it needs to get out in the open so that 1) she isn't ticked that she sent something, it was not received & thus no thank-you was sent or 2) the kids aren't expecting a gift anymore.

[BarbaraL]

I agree that gifts shouldnt' be "expected" but if you have a history of exchanging between the families, and suddenly one child is excluded, that calls for some explanation.
I'm usually right on top of things with regard to birthdays, but the birthday of one of my nieces fell just as work went crazy as I was leaving for vacation, and the card & gift slipped my mind. I was glad that my brother (gently) mentioned it during a phone call -- I immediately got a really cute belated-birthday card (with sound) and sent it off.

[boisewinesnob]

I agree that gifts shouldnt' be "expected" but if you have a history of exchanging between the families, and suddenly one child is excluded, that calls for some explanation.


I totally agree. A year or two ago my MIL forgot one of my son's birthdays. We knew it was just an oversight, so DH called her and I'm not sure what he said, but probably just asked. She totally had forgotten about it.

Of course, she would never in a million years forget stepson's or my niece's birthdays, but that's for another thread.

[honeygirl1971]

I agree that gifts shouldnt' be "expected" but if you have a history of exchanging between the families, and suddenly one child is excluded, that calls for some explanation.


I agree with Barbara also. Since all other explanations (the thank-you thing, the age thing, the mail) don't seem to apply, I think a phone call is in order. I don't think gifts should be expected, either, but it's not normal to give all his siblings and cousins gifts and exclude him. It's kind of weird she forgot two years in a row, so I think DH should call her and see what's up. I can't believe this is on purpose, and I'd hate DS to think it is.

[leebee]

If I wanted to pursue it, I'd probably call her to discuss it as a "now that the kids are older, we should decide when/how much/whom per gifting" question. Then, you can mention the fact that your son hasn't been getting a gift for b'day, and were wondering if she wanted to continue the b'day exchange. Then, she can either be aghast that she forgot to write his b'day in her last couple of datebooks, or tell you that she thinks it's time to stop the b'day exchange. I think it's tacky to call somebody & say, "Have you been sending gifts? 'Cause we're sure not getting them!" Maybe she thinks she mentioned something to you, or your husband, at some point.

[Kathy B]

It could be that she has some kind of reminder system (automatic email or notes in her calendar that she copies over each year), and your son's name was inadvertently left off.

If I made the call, I would just say something like "I hope you don't mind me asking, but the past few years we noticed that the other children all received birthday gifts from you, but DS has not and we weren't sure if you realized you had missed his birthday. I only mention it, because he noticed it as well, and was feeling a little bewildered." Or something along those lines.

If it was intentional, I would ask her to speak to DS herself regarding whatever offense may have occurred so that he can rectify it and certainly learn from it. If it was not intentional, you will most likely have fixed the problem with your conversation. Just my $.02!

[ljt2r]

I guess I always thought I had the option to give somebody a gift or not to give them a gift. So unless you believe that it is unintentional, I would just let it go.

To the OP: I think you have gotten some good advice as to gently calling your SIL (to be honest, in my family, we wouldn't even need to be gentle, but me and my siblings are all very close). I think there are lots of reasonable possibilities--lost in the mail, company never delivered (if ordered from the internet I mean), just slipped her mind--all of which are not only benevolent but also I would think she would appreciate being reminded and/or informed. And if your son did something to p*ss her off, well I do think she needs to say so, he is just a kid.

But I wanted to respond to the above comment and some others like it. I am sorry but if you are a family member I think you have an obligation to either give all of my kids gifts or provide an explanation for why not or none. The above attitude is just hurtful--you absolutely do NOT have the right to give a gift to one of my kids and not the other with no explanation. Or more to the point, I guess you have the right, but I think it stinks and makes you (the person who would do that) a lousy person and I am not sure I wouldn't send the gifts for my other kids back, unopened. This is a boy, a child we are talking about, who is (2x so it seems almost purposeful) getting his feelings hurt by an aunt who apparently seems to be saying "I like your siblings more than you." Now I absolutely am not trying to demonize the aunt bc there may be an innocent explanation, but for those of you who think that is just a life lesson, that gifts should not be expected, I wonder do you have kids? Would you really permit a family member to treat your kids so disparately with no explanation?

Sorry I feel strongly about this. :o

Laura

ETA I just asked DH what he thought about this and he said something I thought was pretty smart. He said your son does not have the right to question his aunt--that would be bad manners (and based on your story, it does not sound like he would). BUT you, as his mom, absolutely have the right to find out why your kids are being treated the way they are, so differently. There is a difference between the recipient, your son, expecting a gift and saying so to the giver, and you as his mom questioning someone's treatment of your child.

[BarbaraL]

Wwhirledpeas, any update on why your son's aunt has not sent a birthday gift to your son but has sent gifts to your daughter? Just wondering . . .