Deciding How Many Kids to Have...

[MISSINDI]

For those that have kids, how did you decide how many was the right amount? We have one now, with one on the way. I can't decide if we should stop at 2 (also have 13-year-old stepdaughter) or should have one more. DH is ok with whatever I want. Given I'm 37, I'd probably have to have #3 right after #2. I go back and forth. Growing up, I always wanted 6 kids -- like the Brady Bunch. But I grew up in a small family, and you usually want the opposite, you know? Lately I've been leaning more towards stopping with 2. How did you decide?

[Luv to Cook]

We go thru this all the time in our house. Right now we have two and I feel very blessed and happy, but I know that I would like one more. DH and I always say that 30 years from now, we would never regret having a third (or fourth), but we may regret not having that third child. So at this point we are planning for a third. I know the next couple of years will be tough, but somehow, I look ahead to the days when they are all grown and hopefully successful with full lives of their own.

I also have friends (with 1, 2, or whatever), that can say without a doubt, "we are done!" And I want to be able to say that and I have not yet felt that. I want to have that feeling and know that it is the right one for our family before I close the door on having more.

Anyhow, not sure if it makes sense, but this is how we came to it in our household.

Good luck in figuring it out.
Anita

[clairea]

I don't think there is a "way" to decide. For me, DH and I would have loved at least one more but another pregnancy would have been too dangerous for me. It took a while, but now I can't imagine our family any other way than just the four of us.

It seems like a lot of my friends somehow just "know" when they are done, but I don't think anybody really makes this decision during pregnancy (unless they were already on the fence about whether to have another child and then got pregnant). I think you probably need to wait until after you have this baby. My guess is it won't be too long before you and DH know whether your family feels "complete" or not.

I'm sure other people will have lots of practical advice like the cost of a third child, whether you have space in your house, etc. When it comes to children I am a real "heart over head" kind of girl.

[Robyncz]

DH and I decided definitively, when DD was about 9 months old, that we were "done." We felt like a family unit and we were comfortable financially. We knew we would be able to afford to travel, and send her to college, and basically, have a comfortable and relatively easy life. And about a week later, I realized I was pregnant. . .

So, now I have two beautiful daughters and I wouldn't change a thing. We are *definitely* done this time and we got DH "fixed" shortly after DD#2 was born.

I guess I don't really have a point, other than we didn't decide at all. It was kind of decided for us.

[leightx]

I thought I was done with 2, and in fact for years told anyone that asked that we were absolutely, without a doubt, finished! Now that my youngest is 7, I'm actually considering another. I don't know if the hormones are kicking in, or what the deal is, but all of the sudden the idea of another child is really appealing. DH, who originally wanted more (like 4!) isn't so sure.

Our lives have just recently become really easy...camping, vacations, finding babysitters, sleeping in ;) - all a piece of cake. Obviously, that would change dramatically with another baby. And I'm getting older, so I do worry about genetic problems, etc. I'm not sure I want to take my chances with that. So...I guess we really haven't decided. I'll be interested to hear other people's thoughts on the matter!

[erinl]

After #2 was born, we were kind of on the fence about another child. Then, when DS was not quite 2, I missed my period and the thought of being pregnant made me ill. It was a false alarm, but it cemented me firmly on the side of being done with babies. Over a year later, DH is finally going to take permanent measures next week. A lot of families around here have 3 kids, so it felt a little strange stopping at two. I'm confident it is the right decision for us, though.

[ljt2r]

I always wanted 2. Then DD#1 came along and I fell so completely in love with her I thought wow I want hundreds more! :D However, she was a difficult delivery, so DD#2 (planned) was a c-section (per doctor's orders) with ridiculous complications including a second surgery. DH never wanted more than 2... I vascillate between and 2 and 4 (never wanted an odd number, especially since I did not want 3 under 3, but I did not want 2 super close together and then one 4 years later...I also vascilated because I hate being pregnant and once I get my body back into shape I really don't want to undo it <how's that for selfish? ;)>) but I really think the decision was made for us because none of my deliveries were pleasant and I am not sure another one would be safe. There are moments when I panic--I don't mean to make any child seem replaceable, but I have never wanted an only child, and DH's aunt and uncle had 2 daughters, close together, just like me, and when the eldest was 18 she died of a brain tumor (which hits extra close to home since I have had one myself). DH's aunt said if she had known what life would bring she would have had 3.... I hope I am not coming off wrong to those of you who have only children, but sibling support is very important to me and there are times when it really bugs me that we only have 2. I think Luv 2 Cook hits the nail on the head--you are more likely to regret NOT adding more than adding more. BUT, I also think it is important that your mom be around :p so health wise I just don't think it is in the cards for us. But we haven't done the vasectomy yet!

[LaraW]

We have 2, a boy and a girl. I sometimes get a fleeting thought about a 3rd, but I think I just like the idea of 3 kids. I'm not sure I would like the reality. I know that 30 years from now I would not regret having a 3rd baby and that I would love the child if we did have one, but I feel like we are done. My 2nd pregnancy was hard, both physically and emotionally and I just don't know if I have it in me to do that again.

DS is just starting to get out of the baby phase, where we have to pack a diaper bag every time we go to the mall, out to dinner, to a friend's house, etc, and I'm looking forward to not having to bring along half my house on every outing ;) I loved them as babies, the snuggles, those toothless grins and the middle of the night feedings, and I love to do those things with my niece (ok, not the middle of the night feedings!). I'm enjoying kind of moving on from the baby phase now.

[MrsReber]

We have 2. I'd love to have a third, but DH was dead set against it. DD was only 5 months old when I found out I was pregnant again. I have to admit, having 2 children so young was a challenge. However, they are now inseparable and the best of friends. I couldn't see adding a third to the mix. And DH, who said "we have a girl and boy and now we're done" got fixed just after DS was born. He wanted me to have it done while I was in the hospital. I told him no since he was the one who wanted to stop at 2. I told him if something ever happened to him or us and I met someone else, I might want another child. I asked him if he could say the same. He said no, 2 was it for him. So he went under the knife.

We talk about another child and what it might be like, but I usually come to the same conclusion- some days, 2 kids is too many! My neice and nephew stayed with us for 4 weeks this summer. It was a good reality check for me. Outings were crazy- food shopping, going to get milk at the store, or just trying to ever leave the house on time for anything. And the food bill was enough to scare me! I always thought I wanted lots of kids and I would've had them if DH wanted them, but I'm really just fine with the ones I have.

[AvrilH]

I have three. I always thought 2 was the perfect number, then I met my first child and knew I needed more. To me three is the minimum for a big family.

I would have been happy to have another baby, but didn't for 2 reasons: it would have really really jeopardized the career I had been working for for years, and hubby turned 40 when DS3 was one, and didn't want to be pushing 50 and walking to kindergarten. So ultimately it was his decision (and I didn't push).

It's a hard one, you know? I think a family is "complete" at any point, and it also can have a lot of room to grow at any point, too.

I will also add that although the decision is long sinced finalized, and I am happy to be officially done with baby things (DS3 starts grade 1 next week), I still get the pangs of wanting a baby..... Even though I am completely satisfied by my family as it is.

Good luck!!

[mrswaz]

Good question! Dh and I have been saying we're done since DS was born. What I hated the most about being pg with him was missing out on so much with DD because I was literally exhausted all the time. I spent so much of that 9 months in a fog that I literally don't remember my daughter's 3rd birthday.

Yet every once in a while I think it would be great to have more. I go through spurts where I will mention it to DH and we'll discuss, and then we'll decide 2 is good. However, we have already both agreed that if we were to have another after both kids are in school that we'd have to have more than one so that they have a companion.

I don't know. I adore my children and love being a mom, but then I think about the reality of a baby and I almost start to panic. The sheer thought of twice a night feedings and baby food and diapers and teething makes me start sweating. So while I think we're done...we may yet change our minds down the road. But right now I agree with other posters that we're thrilled to be done with baby stage and diapers.

[zwieback]

When I was younger, I wanted to have a lot of kids. Then, I had the experience of getting pregnant and giving birth. After having dressing issues with #1 (and still continue to have, well over a year now) and having a somewhat rough pregnancy with #2 (at least rougher than pregnancy #1), I decided 2 was enough for me. Plus, we have our girl and boy. We also figured that, with 2 kids, we each could look after one (ie. when we're out in the stores). With more than 2, we're outnumbered and it would be harder.

For me, having 2 is just enough, especially when I have to go out with them by myself. Mine are 3 and 7 weeks, so I have a child who walks and I carry a baby seat whenever I go out. Also for us, we live in a state where the kids have to stay in car/booster seats for quite some time. Those take up a lot of space. So, if we had more kids, we'd not only need more car seats, we'd also need a much larger car.

So, a bunch of big and little things factored into our decision to stop at 2.

[lindrusso]

I always wanted two kids, but after having my first, it was hard to imagine adding another one to the mix. But we really did want two, so we had our second child. Right after giving birth to him, I immediately wanted another baby. I guess my hormones were in control, because that thought wore off pretty quickly. ;)

I did not deal well at all with the sleep deprivation with my second. Juggling two felt like more than enough and I have never changed my mind.

The only thing that SOMETIMES makes me want to have another child is that I'd love to have a little girl. But that's a terrible reason for having a third child, so that's not going to happen. My SIL keeps telling me I need another one (she is the same age and has 4, the youngest is 2 - my youngest is 10) - what I don't tell her is that my 4 nieces are all the birth control I'll ever need. ;) :D

Although I always used to think that having children spaced close together made sense, I can now see why some might decide to have a baby after their youngest is quite a bit older. My boys are 10 and 13 now and although there would be disadvantages to starting all over, I think it would be easier in a lot ways too - the boys don't need my constant attention any more, they could help out, I'd have long days with the baby by myself while they are at school, etc. You don't get most of that when you have them only a few years apart.

Anyway, I'm done and I've known that for quite a while now. I do have pangs now and again, but they don't last long, so it was pretty easy for me to tell I was done. :)

[zwieback]

What I hated the most about being pg with him was missing out on so much with DD because I was literally exhausted all the time.


This is exactly how I felt with my second pregnancy. I felt so guilty that I couldn't play with my daughter as much as I could before I got pregnant because I was just totally exhausted and my body hurt from being pregnant. I still feel a bit guilty because I have to devote much more time to my 7 week old than I can to DD. Guilt is such an awful feeling, especially when it comes to your children and their feelings.

[lindrusso]

Coming back to say that if you're really unsure, it might be wise to think about the future too. Once kids hit the age when they start doing activities - dance class or sports or band or whatever, things get crazy and hectic. We have gone from nice, quiet family dinners together every night to running around almost every night. My kids don't do a ton of activities (usually no more than 2 activities at a time and often only 1) and I only have 2 boys! I cannot possibly imagine trying to juggle a schedule with 3 or 4 kids. I would go absolutely insane. I can't imagine how moms of 3 or more have even one minute to themselves, especially if they work. I need lots of minutes to myself! :o I am even more thankful I only have two at this point in my life than I was before!

Anyway, that's something else to think about...............

[MISSINDI]

Lots of good food for thought here. I totally agree with what Avril said, "I think a family is "complete" at any point, and it also can have a lot of room to grow at any point, too." With Nicholas and this pregnancy, I have a very easy time of it, no m/s, no nothing, so that part of the decision doesn't weigh into it for me (whereas one of our neighbors had a miserable pregnancy and a miserable first year - colic, etc. - so she comes at it from a different perspective). Space-wise, we just bought a new house where the previous owners had 4 kids. I'd be hard-pressed to put 4 kids in here (they'd have to double up), but obviously we could always move. We bought this one because we knew we could easily fit #2 (and #3 should we go that route). Selfishly, from the kids' standpoint, stopping at 2 means they each get their own room, which is certainly nice (obviously we could always move too, but after this one, the only other time I'm moving is out-of-state when the kids are older to NC).

I'm not overly hormonal/emotional during pregnancy so while it's probably not the right time to decide, I feel with my age, we can't really have a huge gap in between 2 and 3 if we went that way. There's 8 years between me and my sister and I never intended to have a gap between Nicholas and the baby that's on the way. It's just a case of always waiting for the "perfect time," you know? And there isn't one.

[Jessica]

When I was younger, I wanted three or four. But with one thing and another I did not have my DS until I was 35. I am now 36 and in January (God willing) I will have two under two. I think that will be plenty. This pregnancy has been tough and I cannot imagine doing it again with two little ones, plus we know we have the resources to educate two and that is important to us.

[JMM74]

For us, money was a big factor. Gotta pay for college and all these sports/ activities, ya know? Also, since my husband is a submariner he's gone a lot (completely out of contact for up to weeks at a time, sporadic email) and I have GAD/panic disorder - you do the math. lol! Two is all I want to handle, all I feel I can handle - any more and I'd be doing a serious disservice to my kids.

We have a boy and a girl and are done, done, done. We've gone the route of permanent birth control (him) and haven't looked back.

[sneezles]

I came from a large family (6 kids) and always wanted lots of kids but DH said 2 was plenty (he was being fiscal). He went to a football game while we were living in Singapore and saw the cutest little girl dressed as a cheerleader and came home and said if #2 wasn't a girl we could try for a girl the third time.:p Fine with me but #3 was another boy. DH got fixed and I regretted it for many many many months afterward but now that DS#3 is 20 I'm very glad there isn't another teenager still at home (it took me almost 4 years to get pregnant the second and third time).

These days I hope for grandkids and lots of them!:cool:

[mom2garret]

I did not read all the answers..................
Anyhoo:
I guess it would depend on:
1. What you could comfortably afford.
2. What type of lifestyle you want.
3. Do you want to work with all the children going to daycare
(more children more $$)
4. What are you and DH comfortable with?
5. Could your lifestyle handle two small ones back to back (you mentioned this in conjunction with your age)

My mom came from 1 of 16 (my grandmother had 20 pregnancies, 18 she carried, and 16 births. I could past a cousin on the street and not even know it. Also, I only have 1 after many years of trying, infertility shots and all that. I would love another but am happy with my lifestyle the way it is.
SAHM, vacations when I want, I buy what I want, I can focus fully on DS, volunteer at his school ..........etc.

Hope you are feeling well!!!!!!!!!
Good luck working thru this.
Jodi

[ErinM]

I'll give you the perspective of one who doesn't have kids, is not in a position to have any anytime soon, and does hope for them someday!

For me, the magic number is 3, only because I grew up with one younger brother. Another sibling would have been nice, and I think is ideal for learning "life lessons"...such as how to fight and how to ally yourself with someone! When my brother and I were young, we fought a lot, which did get to be boring after awhile because we had nobody else. So, adding #3 to the mix would have really livened things for us, growing up. I'd like to give my kids that, if I'm able.

(But yeah, money and time should be a factor as well. I live in a dreamworld. :D )

[beacooker]

I have 2, and I feel confident that at least for the foreseeable future, we are done. I'm so thrilled to be out of the baby stage, and to have at least a little bit of my free time back. There is a limit to how much time and attention (not to mention money) you can give to kids, and if I had another, I would have less to give each of my children. Also, what has been the hardest thing to adjust to as a parent is how many gosh-darn things I have to worry about that could go wrong, and I figure the more kids I have, the more things to worry about, and the more things that could go wrong. I feel so lucky to have 2 beautiful healthy boys, and I'm afraid to push my luck on another one.

Honestly, I don't see how or why you would even try to make the decision now. There is just no telling how you will feel a year from now, and no amount of thinking about it now will make a difference. After this baby comes, it may be quite clear to you that you do or don't want another one, no matter what you think now.

[Robyncz]

Honestly, I don't see how or why you would even try to make the decision now. There is just no telling how you will feel a year from now, and no amount of thinking about it now will make a difference. After this baby comes, it may be quite clear to you that you do or don't want another one, no matter what you think now.


You know, Anne makes a very, very good point!

[ljt2r]

Honestly, I don't see how or why you would even try to make the decision now. There is just no telling how you will feel a year from now, and no amount of thinking about it now will make a difference. After this baby comes, it may be quite clear to you that you do or don't want another one, no matter what you think now.

One of DH's cousins asked me if we were done having kids when DD#2 was 3 mos old and her mother heard her and admonished her firmly :p saying that you were never supposed to ask that within a certain amount of time after a birth (forget the amount). But you know she is dead on--all those hormones and stuff--when I am pregnant I never want any more children. Right after the baby is born I want loads more. Not sure I am reliable in either case. :D

Laura

[HRJ]

I agree, you have no idea how you'll feel once baby #2 arrives. But, it's still an interesting question for discussion....

DH and I decided to stop at one. As I wrote on Unknown's "have or have not" thread, making the decision about a possible #2 was a really difficult decision for me -- far harder than deciding whether I wanted a child in the first place. And since we became parents through adoption, it would have to be a very deliberate thing if we wanted another one -- no "happy accidents" or "letting nature take its course" for us. For a while, I used to get these little pangs when I'd meet, or hear about, someone who had had a second child -- or, even more so, someone who had adopted their second (because I'd say, 'hey, we could do THAT!') But I realized those were pretty fleeting feelings, and not substantial enough to base bringing another child into our family on.

Basically, I just got that feeling that our family was complete, and the longer I thought about it, the more "right" that felt. (I have to say, DH and I weren't always at the same place at the same time on this question, but, ultimately, we agreed that we felt comfortable with the way things were.) I absolutely loved going through the toddler/preschool years with DS, and I'm so looking forward to what else his childhood will bring -- but, I have very little desire to go through those stages or do most of it again. What we have works for us, in terms of family dynamics, finances, etc. Our ages factor into it too (I'm mid-40s, DH early 50s), but, contrary to what a lot of people assume, it's not the most important factor, by a longshot.

(Pet peeve: people who assume they know why we don't have a second child: "Oh, at your age, how could you possibly do it?" or "Oh, adoption is so expensive, I guess you can't afford it again?" etc. :mad: But I digress ... )

I had often thought -- long before I knew how things would turn out, reproductive-wise -- that having just one child would be fine, and, DH is an only child himself, and has no bad feelings about having grown up without siblings. So neither one of us has an issue with having "just one." (Pet peeve #2: people who ask if/when we're going to "Go get DS a sibling" -- as though we're talking about getting a puppy from the pound, or something. :rolleyes: ).

Anyway ... once DH and I agreed on how we felt, those "pangs" went away. (Except every so often, when I'm shopping for kid's clothes and see those adorable little dresses in the girls' department ..... ;) ).


Helene

[LA98]

I loved them as babies, the snuggles, those toothless grins and the middle of the night feedings

Hey Lara, you can come do our middle of the night feedings if you want, 'cause I'm definitely not fond of them.... :p

Just had our second child and that's it for us. I'm 38, each kid took a year to conceive, and there were two miscarriages: We're darn lucky to have what we have and we know it! We always knew we wanted two, thought at one point that we'd be forced to stop at one, but things eventually went our way. Never ever discussed more than two. When I spend time with friends who have three or four, I usually leave with a headache. :)

[LaraW]

Hey Lara, you can come do our middle of the night feedings if you want, 'cause I'm definitely not fond of them.... :p


LOL! I actually loved the middle of the night feedings with Colin. That was about the only feeding and time spent with him that wasn't interrupted. It was just our quiet snuggly time.

I am glad that he is sleeping through the night now though. He didn't really sleep through reliably until he was a year old, and that got OLD.

[ourthreegirls]

Well, my husband and I agreed before we got married that 2 was our magic number. That was all he was up for - he's a bit older than I - and I agreed (even though I maybe would've agreed to 3).

BUT, my fertilized egg that split in two changed that plan for us :D

It was a big shock, to be sure - and life was VERY hard when they were babies (older dd was only 14 months when they were born). Life is pretty good now, though, and I wouldn't change a thing!

[TKay]

I'm in a similar situation as a couple of the previous posters. I have two. Dh and I didn't meet up until our 30s, so we started a bit late. I'm from a family of six and thought four kids would be a good number. Dh was set on two. We compromised, thinking three might be the right amount for us. I had ds #1 when I was almost 36 and #2 when I was almost 38. Like you, I felt that if we were having a third, it would have to be kind of quick. I got post partum depression and we had a rough go of it after #2 arrived. Dh pretty much put his foot down about having a third (and not that I wanted another at that point). I was very overwhelmed with two under two. I knew if I really wanted more, I'd have to want it enough for both of us (if that makes sense) and I didn't. Now that the boys are older and so much easier, I do get twangs about having another. I feel like I'm at a point where I could handle a baby again. Of course, I'm also really grateful to be done with the diaper bags and all that. :p
I guess I would also suggest you put it off for a bit before deciding. You still have a year or two--even though lots of women have healthy babies well past 40. My aunt had her seventh at 47!
Good luck with your decision. I'm sure you'll know what's right for you when the time comes to make the final decision.

ETA: I do think about when the kids are older and they will only have each other. When I envisioned having kids, that was what I pictured: kids, not babies--and more than two of them. But the baby part of it is what kept me from having more. I do believe that if I was younger, I'd be up for another.

[SDMomChef]

I'm not sure that I can offer much advice because we didn't plan on having #3 DD, and after her birth, DH made our decision permanent.

We have never regretted it or looked back. I can tell you having three kids is really hard compared to two - you are outnumbered. If you are going to have #3 close in age to #2, the problem will be harder (Our twins were 14 months when #3 was born).

And, it continues into school age. As Alysha mentioned - you get really busy when kids get older. And, like Alysha, our kids are each in 1 or 2 activities at the most. We have something every single night, almost every Saturday, plus homework. It is a lot of work - in some ways I think it is harder than when the kids were babies and toddlers. At least then they had nap times and I had some time to myself to get caught up on things. Not so anymore.

[MISSINDI]

Honestly, I don't see how or why you would even try to make the decision now. There is just no telling how you will feel a year from now, and no amount of thinking about it now will make a difference. After this baby comes, it may be quite clear to you that you do or don't want another one, no matter what you think now.

Don't misunderstand. Not making the decision now at all, but would need to be made sometime next year. Just a topic for discussion and something that I think about, especially now more than ever, though not necessarily because I'm pregnant but more as I get older and the risk gets greater.

A few mentioned when the kids get older, and as one who just has one sibling, I always wish I had more, and when they're older, I wonder what they'll think too.

[LakeMartinGal]

when I am pregnant I never want any more children. Right after the baby is born I want loads more. And I was the exact opposite! DH and I had problems 'finding' the first DD, and the second came the minute he hung up his pants!:rolleyes: 32 years ago, 30 was an 'older mom.' Now, of course, babies are coming to much older moms than that, with relatively fewer problems! We stopped at 2 because we wanted to, and I made that permanent as soon as DD2 was born healthy. I never believed in children outnumbering parents. (although, if my parents had felt that way, I wouldn't be here!:p ) That's just what I thought I could handle...

Missindi, this is really an interesting topic, and I'm glad you've decided not to decide now!

[newtricks]

Missindi -

I have three and had them at 35, 37, and 39 (and a half;) ) almost exactly 2 years apart. My third kind of put me over the edge for a couple of years, I really wanted a little more time between #2 and #3 but that wasn't in the cards. Three kids under five was not pretty for me. It's much better now though.

After my second I still had a feeling that there was supposed to be more to our family. Once I had dd, that feeling went away - completely! I had never believed people who said they were "done". But now I do because that was exactly my feeling. Of course if she had been a third boy.....

[patsyk]

Well, we have 2 boys and we had them both close together (16 months apart), so the first few months were very challenging (to put it as nicely as I can), but I wouldn't change it for anything because now they are best buddies and always have each other if we go somewhere and don't know any of the other kids right away - they are both more willing to jump in if they have each other than when it's just one of them around new kids. It's also nice now that they are both 4 & 5 years old that we can do more traveling (with less "stuff") and over all that "baby" stage stuff.

I think I felt really "done" and that our familiy was complete around 1 year after my littlest was born. My husband's aunt, always says that a family is a family no matter how many children you have (or don't have)... whether it's 1, 2, 3 or more! When you feel your family is complete, you'll know it.

What always gets me is that people are always asking me if we want to "try for that girl"... well, there are no guarantees in life, and honestly, life with our two boys is pretty full. And, with my oldest already doing a sport in the fall and spring... my younger one will be joining in soon, I can't imagine splitting myself into 3 trying to get them in 3 different places all at the same time!

I hope your pregnancy continues to be an easy one! You and your DH will figure out what's right for your family. Good luck!