Question for parents of teens

[Chefzhat]

DH and I are attending a formal event at the end of the month and will be spending the night at a local hotel (same place the event is being held). Here's the question:

My boys are 15 and 13. DH is of the mind that we can leave them at home w/o supervision. I'm waffling on this. We do leave them now to go out, but we are always home by midnight. This is overnight. We'll still be in town, only 1/2 hour away.

What would you do??

Debie

[sneezles]

I have left mine at that age but I'm a mean mom!;) House rules were strictly enforced:

*absolutely no one was allowed in the house

*stovetop was off limits (ours is gas)

*everyone had to stay in the house(no basketball in the driveway)

*no one was "in charge" but each was responsible for the other

*death to the one who broke the rules!:cool:

Never had a problem!:D

[ChristineVA]

I have a 16 y/o and a 12 y/o. I have left them alone many times (all day in fact) but never overnight.

I'm not sure that I could do it but I can certainly understand where others would be comfortable with it. It is really just up to your own comfort level and how you feel with it. I don't know if there is a magic age.

[DmOrtega]

Personally, I wouldn't if I had any doubts whatsoever.

[cocoa'smom]

Are they normally trustworthy? Do they fight a lot? Can you have a neighbor check on them? Maybe you can arrange for them to spend the night at friend's - then you wouldn't have to worry. That's tough age - in between babysitter age and leaving totally alone. On the other hand - 13 & 15 year old's don't usually throw wild parties like they might when they're a bit older.

[GingerPow]

For the first time we left our 17-1/2-yr-old DS and 15-3/4 yr-old DD overnight last May while DH and I attended my BF's band concert 2 hours away. It went so late, we stayed over.

Helpful is the fact that my in-laws live within minutes of our house if the kids needed them for anything, plus we have terrific neighbors right across the street and also a few doors down. Plus, DS drives in case they have to go someplace in an emergency.

We left plenty of food, and similar instructions (and warnings!) as Sneezles left for her kids.http://i175.photobucket.com/albums/w127/PerfectLinus/90ab1ed1.gif;)

They were fine for one night. I have to say though, I would not have left them alone overnight when they were younger.

[ErinM]

I wouldn't do it, but only because nobody is of driving age should that be necessary. I think my parents waited until one of us could drive before leaving us alone overnight. Before then, she'd get the daughter of a neighbor to stay with us, who was 5 years older than me. We'd have lots of fun, and if we absolutely needed an adult, well, her mom was right next door!

[sneezles]

nobody is of driving age should that be necessary.


Right, we'll just run to the "fill in the blank" and mom will never know the difference!:rolleyes: The only reason they would need to leave would be by ambulance!

[kim21]

While I was comfortable leaving our children home alone for a few hours during the day or evening, I would never have left our minor children home alone for an overnight.

What do your state laws say about leaving minors or one minor in the care of another minor for an overnight period of time? While I realize that some families do this routinely (perhaps mom and/or dad do an overnight shift) there are laws about this in some states.

[mrswaz]

Since you'll be only a half hour away, it sounds to me like an opportunity for your boys to step up and show that they can do it.

Otherwise, do what my parents did and farm them out. Send them each to a friend's house for the night for a sleepover.

[Sarah428]

I'm not a parent of teenagers...yet, thank god!

Since you'll be only a half hour away, it sounds to me like an opportunity for your boys to step up and show that they can do it.
I agree with this. I think you've raised 2 level-head, responsible young men and this is a great opportunity to do a trial run. My parents left me alone overnight at that age with rules and neighbor phone numbers with no problem.

The big question is will you be able to enjoy yourself or are you going to be counting down the hours until you can go home and see how they are???

[Kathy B]

At 13 years old many kids are babysitting late into the evening in other peoples homes, certainly by 15. As long as they know your routine for locking up and securing the house before going to bed, I think it would be fine (and actually a good experience for them). They should also be clear on your "House Rules" that Sneezles mentioned before you go.

You are planning to be at a local hotel, so you could come home in the event of an emergency. I would make arrangements with a trusted neighbor or a family member who planned to be in their own home that evening just so the kids have a resource if needed. Just let them know the kids will be home on their own, you are not far away, but can the kids call them if they need something (i.e. accidentally lock themselves out of the house, minor injury, hear something outside and are worried, etc... )? Let the kids know to call their "resource person" first, so that you can enjoy your evening without having to deal with minor issues, but of course you would be available for an emergency.

You can call and check on them any time you feel like it.

[lindrusso]

Sounds like you've gotten a nice range of opinions here. I feel for you - we are beginning to make these same decisions for our two and it's not fun!

I'm in the - go with your gut.

And my rules would be pretty much the same as Sneezles. We are not even close to doing overnights yet, but when I leave them alone, those are our basic rules too.

At the rate my 10 year old is going, I'll never be leaving him alone overnight. ;) He's actually a very good kid, but I know he has that potential to get in trouble.

I'm actually quite happy that we live so far out of town. There's nothing to do and no one near enough to come over and make trouble! Most of them would have to drive here. If we lived in town, he'd be with a pack of boys, roaming all over the neighborhood. Sure, it was all good fun when I was younger, but not for my KID. ;) :rolleyes:

(Hey, what happend to bold, Italic and underline????)

[sneezles]

Alysha,
My boys all have/had the potential for trouble and each had their share (hope to heaven we're done with that these days) but I think they were more afraid of "The Wrath of Mom"!

And you're right about the B I and U options missing!:confused: And as you can see putting them in yourself doesn't work either!:confused: :(

[Chefzhat]

Since you'll be only a half hour away, it sounds to me like an opportunity for your boys to step up and show that they can do it.

Otherwise, do what my parents did and farm them out. Send them each to a friend's house for the night for a sleepover.


This is kind of where I'm at. They are good kids; know the drill; and have a healthy fear of their mother. :D But. There's always those niggling doubts, you know?

I stayed alone at 15 and thought nothing of it. Funny how it's different on this side of the fence.

Thanks everyone!

[lindrusso]

Alysha,
My boys all have/had the potential for trouble and each had their share (hope to heaven we're done with that these days) but I think they were more afraid of "The Wrath of Mom"!

I'm hoping that holds true.

He's a sports nut too and a very good athlete, so I'm hoping that will help keep him out of trouble. He's a really good kid but unlike my oldest - who could care less what everyone else is doing - he's much more into what's cool, the social scene and I can see him being easily steered the wrong way by the wrong crowd. Hopefully I'm underestimating him. ;)

Sorry......I'll stop hijacking your thread Debie. :o

I would also feel much better knowing I would only be a 1/2 hour away, especially if, as someone else suggested, I had neighbors keeping an eye out.

[Chefzhat]

Well, that's part of my problem Alysha. We live in the woods. There aren't so many neighbors around. They would be basically by themselves here.

I flip flop on this. They are too old for sitters, too young for me to just take off and leave them. I'm sure they'd be fine, but you never know.

Debie

[fstrpstr]

IMO having each spend the night with a friend is the wisest choice for teenagers. It will also give you peace of mind.

[Debralynn]

As a mother of a 17 and 18 year old, I think this is the perfect opportunity for you and your husband to leave the kids alone for one night. It is also great that you will only be 1/2 an hour away. Since your hsuband is already thinking about doing this, he obviously feels they may be ready to trust alone. I would give the kids the big lecture about how you are trusting them, this is a test, and you are treating them like grownups and you expect the rules to be followed even tho you are not home. It will also be a good bonding time for the boys, since they will both be given the same opportunity to stay alone. Have you asked the boys how they feel about being left alone??? If they are anything ,ike my teens, the first time we left them, they were sooo excited about being alone and having parents who trusted them. It turned out to ge a postive experience for everyone, and my husband and I had a wonderful weekend away. I would go for it. Your 15 year old is going to be driving within the next year, it's time to start cutting those apron strings and watching them grow. Debralynn

[Lauren]

I know the day, or should I say night, will come when we leave our boys (14 and 17 today!!!) alone, but I'm not quite ready to do it. Gosh, I get scared when DH is away for the night! I'm not usually a worrier, and we live in a safe area, have a dog, etc, but I'm still not ready to leave them overnight. :rolleyes:

[ColleenT]

While I think my 17 yo DD would be alright staying at the house by herself overnight, I just feel that she is still a minor and she is still my responsibility. Until she is 18, she can't stay home overnight by herself. She either has to go to her Dad's or her Grandmom's if we are going to be away.

But, keep in mind, my whole attitude changed on this subject last year when my nephew (21 yo) was living with us. We (DH, DD, DD friend, and myself) went on vacation for 6 days. When I came back from vacation, there was a shoeprint on the kitchen ceiling:confused: , a hole in two of the screens on my front porch:mad: , the house stunk of smoke:mad: :mad: , a patch of drywall was ripped off my living room wall:mad: :mad: , and my dog was sick:mad: :mad: :mad: . Apparently he had a party and his girlfriend lived there the whole week. GRRRR. Note my house is only 5 years old. Needless to say, he no longer lives with me and I am not as trusting as I was before that vacation.

[tbb113]

At that age...I wouldn't do it. Now that they are 15 & 18 I would leave them overnight though.

Stupid question....if you are only 1/2 hour away, why not come home?

[Robyn1007]

At that age...I wouldn't do it. Now that they are 15 & 18 I would leave them overnight though.

Stupid question....if you are only 1/2 hour away, why not come home?

I'm guessing they would like to have a few glasses of wine or such at the event so they are trying to stay responsible that way.

[Chefzhat]

At that age...I wouldn't do it. Now that they are 15 & 18 I would leave them overnight though.

Stupid question....if you are only 1/2 hour away, why not come home?
Because it also happens to be our anniversary and I am thinking I'd like to celebrate. :D ;)

The dance we are attending is a charity event for a childrens' home (crisis shelter). I am on the board and several of the board members are taking rooms that evening.

DH thinks this is an okay thing. I'm doing the mom-worry thing, but I'm not averse to leaving them. I'm pretty good about giving them their freedom.

[leightx]

No real advice, since we're still at the stage where I'm wondering if it's ok to let them go down the block to check the mail on their own. :p

I'm surprised that there are parents that won't let their 17 or 18 year olds alone for one night though. Like many kids, I was at college a month after I turned 18, and could have gotten in way more trouble there (not saying I did, but I certainly could have!). I guess it just depends on the kid...my parents would have been fine leaving me overnight when I was a senior in HS. If I didn't trust my 17 or 18 year old to stay overnight by herself, I'm not sure how I would trust her to go off to college...

[Debralynn]

exactly ! You have to start cutting those apron strings. :)

[kim21]

I agree with tbb113...while I would be just fine leaving our 17 and 18 year old children home for an overnight, and in fact, our girls are 16 mos apart and we certainly did that when they were older adolescents, I would not leave 13 and 15 year old children home alone for an overnight.

I'm struck by an irony here...please know this is not a criticism, just an observation...the charity event is for a children's home-crisis shelter, and here we are discussing the topic of leaving minor children home alone for an overnight :( :confused: :(

Best wishes

[ErinM]

Do you have any older teenage/early 20s friends of the family that your boys like to hang out with? I'd have one of them come over to spend the night.

[badunnin]

When I was 15 we had a small fire in the kitchen while my parents were gone for an evening - the gas stove had been left on very low from dinner and I moved a roll of paper towels onto the stove while I changed out the old one. An overnight definitely wouldn't have been an option for them.

[Robyn1007]

I'm struck by an irony here...please know this is not a criticism, just an observation...the charity event is for a children's home-crisis shelter, and here we are discussing the topic of leaving minor children home alone for an overnight :( :confused: :(

Best wishes

Wow. I can't even imagine drawing any kind of similarity between Debie and her kids and the situations the children that will benefit from the event. Knowing some of the major things they have gone through as a family I know that Debie wouldn't do anything that she really thought was irresponsible.

I was babysitting kids overnight by myself by the time I was 15 and certainly staying at home alone by then. I guess it's really a personal decision and a matter of how much you feel you can trust your kids and how much they have proven to you that they can handle.

[aggie94]

I'm surprised that there are parents that won't let their 17 or 18 year olds alone for one night though. Like many kids, I was at college a month after I turned 18, and could have gotten in way more trouble there (not saying I did, but I certainly could have!). I guess it just depends on the kid...my parents would have been fine leaving me overnight when I was a senior in HS. If I didn't trust my 17 or 18 year old to stay overnight by herself, I'm not sure how I would trust her to go off to college...

I was thinking the same thing, but didn't want to post since I am not a parent. I was 16 years old when I went off to college, so at 15, I was definitely staying overnight by myself.

Debie, isn't your oldest in a similar situation? Forgive me if I'm remembering wrong, but won't he be headed off to college like in a year or so? :eek: I think this is the perfect opportunity for you to test the waters. If there is a kid that would be responsible enough to be left alone for the night when you're 30 minutes away, it's yours. I have no doubt they'll be just fine.

[Autumn]

I'm in the camp that believes this would be a good initial opportunity for them to be home alone overnight.

I grew up in Hicksville, USA and at the ripe old age of 14 I watched my two cousins for TWO WEEKS while their parents were in Europe. Of course that was way back when, and as a teenage girl I had spent dozens of nights babysitting, and worked as a nanny during the summer. Of course I couldn't drive; their mom had arranged for neighbors to get then to sports practices and take me grocery shopping a couple of times.

I think the whole issue of leaving kids home alone, either during the day, or at night, is a highly situational one. You know your children best; what they are capable of and are comfortable with. Trust yourself.

[Chefzhat]

I was thinking the same thing, but didn't want to post since I am not a parent. I was 16 years old when I went off to college, so at 15, I was definitely staying overnight by myself.

Debie, isn't your oldest in a similar situation? Forgive me if I'm remembering wrong, but won't he be headed off to college like in a year or so? :eek: I think this is the perfect opportunity for you to test the waters. If there is a kid that would be responsible enough to be left alone for the night when you're 30 minutes away, it's yours. I have no doubt they'll be just fine.

Yes, he's a junior this year and will begin college as a 16 year old.

I'm struck by an irony here...please know this is not a criticism, just an observation...the charity event is for a children's home-crisis shelter, and here we are discussing the topic of leaving minor children home alone for an overnight

Wow. :(

[barbara-cook]

Tough question - and I think it depends on how reliable and responsible your kids are. My son is almost 16 and I don't think I'd feel comfortable leaving him overnight, but if the situation arose, I would give it a great deal of thought. He's home during the day in the summer and I have him check in by cell phone regularly, so I know where he is and who he is with. And I'm never more than 30 minutes away.

But I think I'd farm him out to a friends house for overnight.

Many of you had a point about kids going off to college. He'll be closing in on 18 when he goes (crossing fingers), so I'll have that to deal with.

But I vote for go with your gut. We all have to let go sometime, and in our own ways. Good luck!

[kim21]

Debie,

my comments merely reflected an observation and in no way are they a critique of you, your parenting decisions, the maturity of your son, etc...so sorry if they came across as that...I merely noted an irony with the topic and the nature of the charity...:o

This is a tough question...you've let us know that you've waffled with the decision and rightfully, so. As parents, we waffle. You've let us know that there are no neighbors close by and the children would basically be there alone and that you've had doubts. Of course; you're a concerned Mom or you wouldn't even be asking the question here. I agree that the maturity level of the children and the level of trustworthiness that we hold in them all matter, and still, in some states it is illegal to leave minor children, under the age of 16, alone and unsupervised by an adult, for an overnight period of time.

So, please accept my apologies, and best wishes with your decision. My sense is that you will follow your gut and make the decision that best fits with your family. Be well. Kim

[newtricks]

I'm in the "go with your gut" camp. It doesn't sound like you're worried about them acting up but more how they might respond if an emergency arose. Your kids sound like good, responsible, smart kids so it's really your comfort level. (I personally won't be leaving my kids home alone when they're teens but that's because I was not a good teen. And my parents left me home alone a lot. As in my dad had a teaching appt in London for 6 weeks during my senior year of high school and my mom went with him!:eek:) I guess the real question is, are you going to be too worried about them to have a good time?

[Chefzhat]

No worries, Kim.

I'm still deciding what to do. Both boys have shown great interest in having an evening by themselves. Since Patrick will be responsible for himself quite soon (a month overseas coming up, college next year) I think this would be a good thing to do. The situation really couldn't be more perfect - we'll be in town close by and won't be gone terribly long (6:00 p.m. - 10:00 a.m.)

Thanks for everyone's input. I usually have no problem making parenting decisions, but this one (and a couple of other ones that my CL buddies have helped me make) is a bit out of my comfort zone.

Debie

[JackieO]

That's tough age - in between babysitter age and leaving totally alone. On the other hand - 13 & 15 year old's don't usually throw wild parties like they might when they're a bit older.

THEY may not throw wild parties, but what about the friends?? Frankly, that was what concerned us most about our DS -- we never left him home alone overnight until about a month before he turned 18 and was headed for college, and we made sure the neighbors knew he was alone! If you're in the same town, however, and only a half-hour away -- you have a lot of leverage by checking in on them periodically.

[lindrusso]

On the other hand - 13 & 15 year old's don't usually throw wild parties like they might when they're a bit older.

I think that's why I'm truly afraid to leave my kids alone. I was a quiet, well-behaved kid who did quite a few, um, not so great things by the time I was this age. I'd freak if my kid did the same thing! :eek: But at the same time, I did survive........

[Gilgamesh37]

I too find it fascinating that there are people who would not leave their 17 year olds alone overnight in their home. I was still 17 when I started college, for goodness sake.

Really, you're the only one who knows your kids. Sit 'em down, give them the "we're considering leaving you alone, we're trusting you, can you be mature enough" and see what kind of vibe you get from them. If you have hesitations, send each to a friend's house overnight--there will be plenty of other opportunities for them to be alone overnight, it doesn't have to be right this second--but you will need to leave them alone one of these days, so if not now, maybe think about what it would take from them for you to feel comfortable and maybe tell them, give them a chance to step up, prove to you that they can do it. I think I was only about 9 or 10 when my folks left me alone for an evening (not overnight) for the first time, and certainly no older than 15 or so when they left me overnight. But I was a very toe-the-line kid.

Hope you have fun at your benefit!

[Laura]

Debie, I left my kids in a somewhat similar situation when they were 16 and 14. It really depends on the individual kids. I didn't have any hesitancy doing so, but I also let all of my kids' friends' parents know what we were doing so there was no miscommunication about some spending the night. I also checked on them fairly frequently up until midnight. I agree with some prior posters; if your child is going to be on his own at college relatively soon, I think you need to start letting them do some of these things. Also, my kids get along very well so I wasn't concerned about any real sibling issues either. Laura

[alinnell]

You and only you can answer this question for yourself. Only you know how responsible your kids are. That said, if you decide to do it, here are some tips:

Inform a neighbor--or a good friend--who can be their emergency contact in case anything should happen. Make sure they KNOW to call this person if needed (and perhaps that person can call or come over to check on them). Neither of your kids can drive and there is always the possibility of a problem regardless of how much you prepare.

Take your cell phone and check in on them regularly.

Make a list of rules and make each responsible for making sure the other follows them.

Just to let you know, I have done this on two occasions. Once when my DD was 15 and DS was 11, and we were over 4 hours away. The other time, my DD was old enough to drive and had her own car and it was a much easier decision. But my kids are very mature and responsible. Again, only you can make the correct call for your particular situation.