I'm speechless (angry vent ahead)

[little_bopeep]

Where is it written that when you're a d*ck you're entitled, nay--obligated to say every nasty, hateful thing you can think of to your own child? I can't believe DS1's dad actually wrote these words to him today, and I think they were designed not just to let him vent, but to pointedly hurt Brett.

"If you are that embarrassed about your situation, do something about it with something other than a loser dead-end job at Wal-Mart. There is nothing more aggravating to me than to see an intelligent person being a dumb-***. You are not a joke, but your actions are. The only time I hear from you is when you want something. Ok….time for truth and I’m sure it’s something you don’t already know. Yes, you were a mistake on my part. Your mother thought I would marry her (*UH, WRONG!!!*). I wasn’t going down that road again. Is there an emotional attachment to you? Yes. Is there love? To a small degree. Am I concerned about you, only in the sense that I hate to see someone waste their life. If I can do nothing more than to serve as a motivation for you to finally get your act together than that’s all I can do. I want more for you than you seem to want from yourself and that’s pathetic.

I have been around a lot of different people in my 41 years and I can say without a doubt that you are the laziest person I have been around. The only person I know that has ever been told by a guidance counselor to drop out of school. Take a dose of reality.

And, yes, the boys here (*Larry's 2 boys from his 3rd marriage*) do come before you. They can’t think and provide for themselves. (Obviously, you can’t either). However, they are not old enough to make those decisions. You had the opportunity and pissed it away too many times. So, until you get your act together, don’t ever put them in the same context as yourself. Until you finally grow up and stop blaming me and your mother and everyone else for your problems, don’t call. Because seeing you waste your life does nothing but piss me off."

There's much, much more, but these are the most infuriating passages. How can anyone talk that way to their own flesh and blood? How do they reconcile that with themselves? I've been angry and said awful things, but to tell a child they were a mistake and that you don't love them???? Brett has his problems, many of which he brought on himself....but...no one deserves this.

Thanks for letting me process through this.

[Robyn1007]

Ugh. That's just wrong! How is Brett doing with it? :(

[Peweh]

Your mother thought I would marry her (*UH, WRONG!!!*). .

And how glad are you for THAT now??? What a d*** for sure.

[little_bopeep]

Ugh. That's just wrong! How is Brett doing with it? :(

He hasn't said much yet....I think he's still a bit stunned.

[Canice]

What an awful situation. Do you think this would be a case where it would be best for Brett to distance himself from his father for the duration? Make his way without "dear old dad"? I've definitely known people who had to "divorce" a parent. Including one whose mother advised her, at 18, "Never have children - they'll only ruin your life." :rolleyes:

[little_bopeep]

What an awful situation. Do you think this would be a case where it would be best for Brett to distance himself from his father for the duration? Make his way without "dear old dad"? I've definitely known people who had to "divorce" a parent. Including one whose mother advised her, at 18, "Never have children - they'll only ruin your life." :rolleyes:

Absolutely. What happens is that every few years, one of them tries to "mend the fence" as it were, and it always ends like this. I think Brett just needs to walk away and try to forget.

[wwhirledpeas]

If there ever was a man that needs to learn when to hit delete and when to hit send....it's this guy that you had a child with.

How he ever thought that what he wrote would "inspire" someone to change their ways is beyond me.


Sorry, you were left to pick up the pieces.....sounds like....again.

[Canice]

Gotcha.
I had this very conversation with a friend the other night - you think you're both all cool and calm and rational and can have this "adult" conversation -- and then it all disintegrates.

Then, at some point, you have to accept the fact that communication ain't happening - nor is a rational relationship.

I'm really sorry. :(

[Terri_A]

Unbelieveable. People never cease to amaze me. I agree with Canice, it's time to cut ties - permanently. I know that's a decision your son has to make, but perhaps you could help me a long a bit?

And Susan, you hang in there too. It completely sucks to watch someone hurt out children and know that we are left to deal with the fallout of someone else's actions. The upside is that our children know that someone DOES love them, care about them and want to help them.

[HDgirl]

I know this situation. My DD has to deal with a jacka$$ of a father. It's her bday today and I know he won't call her.

I just love the newest way to cut her out of his life... she moved in with her boyfriend and he's very upset with that. Of course it's ok for him to be married to two women at the same time for several months before his divorce was final. :eek:

I really feel for you and your son.

[BlueMoose]

OMG...that's just horrible!:eek: My mouth dropped open when I read the part about being a mistake!

[Blissful_in_TX]

OMG...that's just horrible!:eek: My mouth dropped open when I read the part about being a mistake!

Ditto. I'm absolutely speechless myself.

[newtricks]

And, yes, the boys here (*Larry's 2 boys from his 3rd marriage*) do come before you. They can’t think and provide for themselves. (Obviously, you can’t either). However, they are not old enough to make those decisions. You had the opportunity and pissed it away too many times. So, until you get your act together, don’t ever put them in the same context as yourself.


:( This is so sad. The whole letter is so sad.

If it's true that your son is struggling to find his way in life I can figure out one source of the problem.:rolleyes:

[donnamp14]

That's unspeakable. I once read, and I can't rememebr the exact quote, that the most important time to be a good parent is when you least want to be. What? Is Brett the first kid to test his parents' patience? He's not perfect? He's still finding his way? Well, of course it can be frustrating, but he's a kid and kids have to come into themselves... all in their own good time. This guy sounds like a world class jerk with anger management issues and probably a ton of misplaced anger, too. Sounds like he's got his own issues he's avoiding, but I digress.

I agree, time to cut ties. Susan, you're there for Brett. He knows this.

My heart breaks for him. And you.

[luv2cook]

Wow. So much anger. I can understand his disappointment with your son's choices and what he's brought on himself (whatever that is) but to say all that he said is reprehensible.

Words hurt. Bottom line. Once they're said, you can't take them back and apparently your son's father hasn't learned that. Sad.

But if there's any truth to what was said (and not knowing how old this kid is) then maybe a lightbulb will go off. A terrible way to get your point across, tho...sigh...I'm sorry for this situation.

unbelievable. reminds me of the tirade that Alec Baldwin said to his daughter...

[boisewinesnob]

little bopeep,
how old is your DS? from the dad's response it sounds like he's an adult, or is he a kid?

[linsleyd]

I'm so sorry for you and your son. I've been around this situation with my husband and his father (who told his kids they were stupid and would hang bad grades on the fridge and tell them they were dumb a**, good motivation there) and of course my mother telling me she wishes she never had us. Awesome parenting skills.

Brett def. needs to step away for awhile and get a different perspective and I send you all hugs because its never easy when someone is so nasty.

[little_bopeep]

little bopeep,
how old is your DS? from the dad's response it sounds like he's an adult, or is he a kid?

Brett's 21.

[testkitchen45]

OMG. :eek: Never thought I'd hear something that made Alec Baldwin sound like parent of the year. I think an OP had the same thought.

Cut ties, & help Brett learn what's about him (this isn't), & what's about his dad's anger and personality (this is).

I'm so sorry.:(

[Grace]

I agree with Testkitchen. It has helped me tremendously over the years to finally realize my father's inability to love me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. Even knowing that, I still struggle with it, so I'm not saying it's easy.

Also, make sure he knows he's not the only person whose parents have said/done these kinds of things. There are LOTS of us out there with not-so-great parents and ultimately it's ok - you can still be happy and healthy and ok without a parent's love. Show him this thread if you have to since several people here have shared their own poor parent experiences.

Take the focus off what he doesn't have (his father's love and approval, something very, very important, I know), and turn the focus to what he DOES have. Make sure he understands that whatever he does to "prove" himself to his father will never be good enough anyway, and that the only person whose opinion (of himself) counts is his own. He should only be concerned with his own expectations and how he feels about himself, although admittedly, I tended to tie up what my father thought about me with what I thought about myself.

Just recently I tried to "prove" to my father that really am a good cook. I cooked for him and it turned out nearly inedible. Even if it had been great though, he still would have found a reason to criticize it. But I was so upset about not being able to PROVE to him that I really can cook. I was bending my neighbor's ear about it and she was like, "Grace!! Everyone knows you can cook! The whole block knows you can cook!" I realized she was absolutely right and really, he was the only person on the planet who refused to see it. But how his one opinion was able to trump the opinion of a hundred others was what I had to decide I would not allow for myself.

Point out all his good points. Remind him of what's really, really good about him. It will likely take years until he gets to the point of not caring what his father thinks, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world, even though that's how it feels.

All the best to you with your son, and tell him that there are others out there who understand completely and sympathize completely and have been able to find love and acceptance and a happy life despite their parents. He needs hope. Not hope that he will ever get what he wants from his father, but hope that he can be whole and happy without that.

Perhaps there is also someone you know who can be a father figure/mentor to him. If a person gets the input (love, acceptance, etc.) from someone they respect and admire, it can fill that void. Maybe an uncle or a trusted friend or someone. Just an idea.

[Vanessa]

Wow those were very angry words. My mom always says one should not write a letter (or email) in anger.
I would put the letter away so Brett does not have to see it again for now.
I am sorry for all this.
Seems this man has a lot of anger inside so best if you and Bret keep away from him. If he does send another letter just "send back to sender".

[Jalapeno]

Wow what an a$$hole! I'm speechless too!

[testkitchen45]

I just thought of something else. The Dr. Laura show used to be on in my area, and she often handled issues where someone had a horse's tail for a parent. I liked her advice to these people: "you get TWO chances to have a good parent-child relationship--you can still be an incredibly great parent with your own child, on that second chance!" Perhaps Brett can look at it that way: he's not poisoned for life (I love what Grace wrote about many, many people getting past such a lousy start), but rather, he can choose to be a fantastic adult and dad someday.

What a sad situation all around.

[scudgal]

This is just so sad. I'm sorry you and your son have to deal with this. There are so many toxic parents out there who do permanent damage to their kids. Your son is lucky to have a mom who can help him cope with this and put it in perspective. Sadly, sometimes both parents are toxic and the child doesn't have anyone to provide a "reality check". Fortunately, this is not the case here.

I am curious about what triggered this diatribe. Was there a specific event? No matter what, there is no excuse for treating your son this way. People who are either narcicistic, clueless, or both shouldn't have kids. Unfortunately, they often do.

Again, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.


Leslie

[Kristilyn1]

I could understand and to some extent sympathize with his frustration and how he started, but to then tell him he was a mistake, say he barely loved him and basically that the new family replaces him.........that is said by a very small man. I don't think much can be said beyond that. It really is about the lowest thing you can say to anyone, and that he said it to his own child----well, it makes anything my lousy father did, look like Father Knows Best.

I hope he can walk away from this and be strong.

Kristi

[jmarie]

I wish your son's dad could have been like my dad and I am really sorry that he isn't.

There is no excuse.

none.:(

[GingerPow]

A fool talks, and a d@mn fool writes. Now your boy knows for sure what his father is.

I am sorry beyond words for your son. No matter what a kid is dealing with, he does not deserve to be told he was "a mistake.":mad:

I can imagine that as much as he hurts, you hurt worse as his mother to see him in this kind of pain. See if he needs to talk with someone before this takes hold of his self esteem and leads to serious depression or anger issues.

Don't you just want to grab some people by the collar and shake them until their teeth rattle? The sperm-donor could use a bit of that.:rolleyes: (A real dad would never say those things to his own child - he is nothing more than a contributor of genetic material at this point.)