Am I overreacting? (long vent)

[Romandub]

First a bit of backgrould--As some of you know from my previous posts, DH and I own a small ranch a couple of hours from where we live. Earlier this year we built a nice home on the ranch. We put a lot of time and energy (not to mention $) into building this house and it is very much our dream get-away. We love coming out here on the weekends and relaxing.

This is the second marriage for both of us. I have a son from my first marriage that DH helped raise, because we met when DS was only 5. DS is now 20 and in college. DH and DS are very, very close and truly love each other as though they were biologically related. DH has a step-daughter from his previous marriage. She is 37 and married. She was already grown when I came into the picture and has never lived in the same town we live in, so although we have a pleasant, casual relationship, we are not close. Step-daughter and her husband live in the same town where we have our ranch and opened up a small restaurant about a year ago. They seem to be doing well and we are all very happy about that because that hasn't always been the case.

Last Sunday step-daughter called DH to tell him that they had been hunting at the ranch and she had shot a big buck. (With apologies to those of you who are not hunters--I am not either, but have learned to accept that hunting is a way of life in rural Texas.) She mentioned that they had brought one of their suppliers out to hunt. Not a problem--DH had told her they were welcome to hunt on the ranch and we weren't going to be here that weekend.

Well, we came out yesterday for the weekend, and I noticed small stuff was different around the house. There was whole milk in the refrigerator, the throw pillows were in different places on the couches, the towels had been folded differently, etc. As I went to bed last night, I noticed the bed was made up differently, too. To make a long story slightly less longr, step-daughter and her husband not only came to hunt on the ranch, but had a group of people stay in our house last weekend. I don't know how many, but ever bed has been slept in (and the sheets not changed.)

Finally, getting to the point of this vent, I was furious! I found it terribly presumptuous that they would come out and stay in our house WITH GUESTS without asking first. DH says "it's my fault--I told them they could come out any time." I said "you told them they could stay out here anytime?" "Well no", he says, "I guess they just assumed they could stay because they have to get up so early to hunt." I just don't see it that way. First of all they live in town, less than 10 minutes away and secondly I don't think you just go into someone's house even if it IS your step-father's and his wife's house WITHOUT ASKING FIRST???

Am I overreacting? To be brutall honest, I am wondering if I would be this angry if it had been my son who had brought friends out without asking. I hope he would never do that, but he might. While I like step-daugther well enough, I can't say that I love her like a daughter, and I do feel guilty about that, especially since DH loves DS who is his step-son DEEPLY. Ironically, one of the reasons I fell in love with DH was that I saw how loving he was to his step-daughter and I saw that he really could love a child who was not his own. And sure enough, he and DS have a closer relationship that DS has with his own dad. But I do feel that the step-daughter takes advantage of DH in some ways. Until recently she just didn't want to grow up. Married three times, wanted to ride horses intead of find real jobs, always late to every family event, etc. A few years ago before she married her husband, they actually moved onto the ranch into the cabin that was the only dwelling on the property at that time. DH LOVES coming out here on the weekends and for a couple of years was relegated to the tiny second bedroom in the cabin because they were living there with a ton of their stuff.

I would appreciate any thoughts. Am I overreacting? Or reacting to something more than the fact that they came out here with guests without asking? Sorry for the long vent. I just needed to get this off my chest and get some perspective.

[sneezles]

I agree that the step-daughter was way out of line. First for not asking to use the house (why does she have a key though if it's not okay to use the house?), second for not telling you that they did use it but third (and worst of all, IMHO) for not cleaning up, changing sheets, taking perishables with them, etc!! I would be furious and would expect my DH to talk to the daughter and insist that she make every effort to return the house to the condition she found it in!

[Terri_A]

Even without the background information or relationship standings, I think the problem here is clear. It is rude to stay in a home someone owns without informing them first. And even if she felt that your husband's offer to "use the ranch to hunt" meant they could stay there, it certainly was not an invitation to have guests there without asking. And, last, but not least, since when do you sleep in a bed of someone else's and NOT change the sheets and wash the ones you slept on????

I think you're right to be upset and perhaps you and DH should be very clear when talking to his DSD about what is and isn't okay when using your ranch. I think to some degree there was probably a miscommunication and to some degree she and her friends were rude ( not changing sheets, changing refrigerator items, etc ).

[Andrea_2]

(why does she have a key though if it's not okay to use the house?),

I was wondering about the key part too. It sounds like you weren't aware though, so I don't blame you at all for being upset. At least the differences were small though, and they didn't trash the place or have a wild party. Therefore, I would just make sure you talk to your husband about where you stand on this, and make sure that there is no misunderstanding in the future. It should be his responsibility to inform his step-daughter of what the rules will be regarding when they can or cannot stay there, and how the place to needs to be left once they leave if they do stay.

[Kristilyn1]

Yes, she was rude to not ask or even tell what they did. However, I think one hint that she did think in some way that she had permission is that she told you/your husband that they had shot a buck at the ranch. I'm thinking, rightly or wrongly, she felt she had permission to stay at the ranch. This problem is easily solved. A clear communication about what they can or can't do. Done. Hopefully won't have to have the conversation again. On this score I would be irritated, but not furious as I would want to believe it was a miscommunication. Would I have made the same assumption that she did? Probably not, but then I was not privy to the conversation(s) that led her to believe this.

The other problem. The beds and not cleaning up. LAME. She lives ten minutes away?! She could have brought over her own stinking sheets if she was too lazy to wash yours. That, I believe there is no excuse for. You use someone's things, you restore them to their unused condition. Period. Unless the person insisted that you not do so, that is your job, that should be the expectation. It ain't a hotel!

Guests. Whether she believed she had permission or not, she DEFINITELY should have asked ahead of time about guests. Why she needs to host an overnight gathering 10 minutes from her house is a little bit of a mystery, but that's not even the real issue.

I think one conversation that does not express all kinds of anger should solve the problem without everyone left upset, assuming she reacts like an adult and calmly responds with an apology and she honors your wishes.

Kristi

[Romandub]

Thanks for the responses. I should probably clarify a couple of things. The house was in no way trashed. In fact, with the exception of the sheets not being changed, it was very clean. The only way I even knew they were here was the subtle differences of the beds and the throw pillows. I could just tell someone had been there--do you know what I mean? So I don't really have a quarrel with how they left the house (except maybe for the sheets.) It's really more about the fact that they came without asking!

As for the key, we gave them a key just in case something happened while we weren't here. Sort of the same way you give your neighbor or close friend a key. In case they needed to get into the house for some reason, especially since we live two hours away.

As I have thought more about this, clearly there is room for better communication. I am sure my anger is rooted in deeper issues of how this young woman and her husband choose to live their lives. Most of my frustration deals with how they handle their money. They don't buy health insurance and the DSD's husband had a heart attack this summer. They owe thousands of $ in medical bills. So much so, that the town held fundraisers to help them pay their medical bills. And yet, they just bought another car AND are going to Las Vegas for a convention next month! And DS put the travel on HIS credit card, saying they will pay him back. As I type this, I am beginning to realize I have deeper feelings about this than I realize. Thanks for listening and allowing me to vent. Any suggestions on how to talk about this with DH without sounding like I am attacking his step-daughter?

[mst]

I would be angry too. But, it sounds like it could be a miscommunication. I would just have your husband call her and say, "we are thrilled to have you hunt on the property, but we would rather that you not stay overnight." (Or, we would rather you not stay overnight when we are not there, etc.)

As for the cleaning, it sounds like she tried to clean up, although it was not the way OP does it. She did fold the towels, and make the bed. She might have left the milk thinking that you guys could use it later in the week.

It is odd that she lives in the town and wants to have overnight guests at your house.:confused:

[DmOrtega]

It's good to consider this situation if it was your own son doing this. You probably would be annoyed with him but not to the point you are with your DIL. You don't know her, she is a stranger to you, and has slept in your bed without your permission. It's understandable that you would be angry. Your space has been invaded by people you don't know.

Now, you dh has a right to include his daughter in your lives. She is his daugher. You also have a right to include your son, he is your son. You have a blended family and are now facing that issue.

This goes further than just your weekend house. Granted she got a sort of Ok from your dh. The house was left unlocked (?) or she had a key (?). Either you open you home to your kids, all of them, or you don't. But, do agree with your dh how that will be addressed.

Now, I see that the real issue is you accepting that the dd is now in your life. This puts you now in the same situation that your dh has learned to deal with, with you son. Even though she is an adult, she is still his child. It will take time but my suggestion is to spend as much time as you can with her to get to know her. Hopefully, you will both come to accept each other. Life is way to short to exlude our kids from our lives.

[TKay]

With or without the background information, it's simply not appropriate to stay overnight on someone's property without first asking. To do so with guests makes it doubly wrong. If something happened (got late or whatever) and they ended up on your property without expecting to, so they chose to stay over, the considerate thing would have been to call you and let you know what was going on. The fact that they never even mentioned it would really irk me too. Also, this is YOUR house that you spent a long time preparing. It's YOURS to enjoy, not theirs. I'm all for sharing and being good to family. But I don't think you're out of line in the least to be irritated by this, even furious.
I'd suggest dh mention it to her in a matter-of-fact way. "Hey, we could tell people stayed over. Can you just clear that with us next time?"
Sorry about your situation.

[wwhirledpeas]

It sounds to me like you would not dream of using their home while they were away without asking. Wonder if while they were at the convention in Vegas – something unforeseen happened that pro vented you from staying at the cabin, like the furnace went out – would you go to their home to spend the night without calling them and asking for permission?

Probably not – and most likely your dh would not either. That is how you are going to approach it. You will have to tell him it bothers you that someone slept in your beds and that someone expected you to maid service them. It was not fair that you had to clean someone else’s sheets. Personally it would bother me that they were sneeky about it. If you do not settle this now – this will not be the last time that you do this.

When you mention it to your husband, I suggest that you recommend in the future that some guidelines need to be placed on the use of the cabin by THE CHILDREN. That you are not comfortable opening your home without permission. You understand that they have a key…and that he has granted them use. You were just not aware that your HOME was included in the deal. That you feel violated. Tell him that you want to tell the CHILDREN both that they are welcome to use the property any time but, if they are going to use the cabin – please ask permission first.

Any involvement in their money or finances is not your concern – up to the loan. My husband and I have an agreement that we won't spend XXX without consulting the other. If you don’t have a prior agreement about how much –to who – what if….. Then you can not fault him. You might want to consider going there.

[Chefzhat]

Yes, I think you're overreacting. They didn't leave a mess, didn't put you out any, why gripe about it? HOw nice that she feels welcome to be there and bring friends besides?

I think you would feel differently about this if you had a closer relationship with her. Don't you?

[sneezles]

Yes, I think you're overreacting. They didn't leave a mess, didn't put you out any, why gripe about it?


I'm sorry but having to strip and wash bedsheets would be a mess in my opinion. I would also assume that towels were used and not washed. Had she been courteous enough to inform her stepfather that the linens had been used it would be a different story altogether. Leaving it to look like no one had used the beds without changing linens is rude. I would never want to sleep on dirty sheets!

[newtricks]

I don't think you're overreacting. Your emotions are your emotions - they aren't right or wrong. I admire the way you are trying to sort this out before you take any action (:) because our actions are where we get in trouble!). You are also looking at this from everyone's perspective and recognizing that your anger might be based on more than this one incident. It's especially generous for you to recognize that your dh's love for his stepchildren is one of the things that drew you to him so you might need to let him be more permissive with dsd than you would choose to be.

My personal opinion is that you need to sit down with dh and figure out what the boundaries are. Set the ground rules for the cabin and let him calmly discuss them with his dsd.

Good luck. It sounds like you and dh's dsd might be in contact more often now if they live where your cabin is so I hope this works out amicably.

[Chefzhat]

I'm sorry but having to strip and wash bedsheets would be a mess in my opinion. I would also assume that towels were used and not washed. Had she been courteous enough to inform her stepfather that the linens had been used it would be a different story altogether. Leaving it to look like no one had used the beds without changing linens is rude. I would never want to sleep on dirty sheets!

Well, yeah - a note to say that the linens weren't fresh would have been nice for sure, but I still think she's over-reacting. I mean really, she was FURIOUS?? Over sheets?? To me it sounds like there's something else in the mix, not just this situation.

But that's just me. She asked for opinions, did she not? I gave mine. I have a cottage where lots of people stay, and I don't dare let sheets become an issue or I'll drive myself crazy. Now, use the last roll of bathroom tissue . . . :D

[Robyn1007]

I'm frequent user of someone else's vacation home so I have a slightly different viewpoint but the same general opinion as most here. First, I always ask before heading to the house. Even if I know that nobody is going to be there. I have the code to both the garage and the lock box that has the key as I'm their frequently enough that it's easier than always needing to get keys.

There are rules in place for using the house and they've laminated a sheet that describes all of them and lists contact numbers etc. The main rules are 1) Sheets and towels all have spare sets, strip the bed and remake. If you have time to wash, great, if not leave them on the washing machine. 2) Temperature the heat should be left at to conserve energy when nobody is there but still prevents pipe freeze in the winter. 3) Pack out garbage (nobody is there on trash day to put out the trash). 4) If you use the last of something replace or at minimum let owners know. Of course, I always try to do the most I can, leave things cleaner than I found them, do laundry if it's left from previous guests etc. Maybe if you had something like that in place, for everyone who may use the house, it will set in rules that make your arrival less stressful but without it appearing that you are biased against your step daughter.

I will note, my aunt and uncle are some of the most generous people I've ever known and they allowed a different cousin to have his friends up there for New Year's last year. I was the first in the house following that and found things in very weird places, obviously the entire living room had been moved around and unfortunately there were marks on the walls (2 month old home!). That cousin probably won't be allowed to use the home with his friends for awhile, at least until he's old enough to understand that you don't use someone else's home for a raging drunken party.

Good luck with dealing with this. I think it's really good that you are recognizing the contributing issues and trying to separate the two.

[Romandub]

Thank you all for your thoughtful input. I have to admit I was surprised at my own reaction and have had some time now to think about it. Clearly, there are deeper issues I need to think about and resolve. I think they have to do with my general feeling that DH lets DSD take advantage of him and has for years. Perhaps I am afraid that I will get pulled into that as well. I need to work on that.

I did talk to DH about the situation today and explained that I didn't mind them using the house, I was just upset that they didn't ask first. He agreed that was weird and we both agreed that a printed up list of "house rules" including a scheduling calendar would be a good idea. We also agreed that we probably need to increase our liability insurance for out here. The ranch is one of our biggest assets, and God forbid something happens here and we get sued, we could lose it. I have worked in the insurance field for many years and my imagination has no trouble finding liability issues lurking behind every corner! So as you can imagine, strangers hunting on our rugged property creates all kinds of opportunities for my imagination to run wild. It doesn't take much to get me from that mole hill to a mountain!

Anyway, thank you all for helping me think through this. It really helped! And lest I left the impression I am a total ogre, DSD and her husband are coming over for dinner this evening as they do most weekends we are here. So, things are quite as bad as I may have made it sound in my typing fury this morning. Thanks for listening and responding!

[blazedog]

There does some to be a variety of issues going on.

Why does the girl have a key -- I had a key to my parents' house and wouldn't think I needed an invitation to be there. On the other hand, I can't envision my bringing people there for an overnight without alerting them on some manner - - it just seems odd.

There is also the dynamic going on in that your husband feels this girl is his DAUGHTER not his step-daughter. You have ambivalent feelings about her -- or else why dredge up a past history of which you disapprove which is tangential to the issue of whether objectively this behavior in an adult child is inexcusable.

I can't imagine having people sleeping in someone else's bed without stripping the sheets -- even if for some reason, I couldn't wash them. But given the circumstances you have described -- she lives 10 minutes away, I would probably bring them home to wash and them leave the clean sheets back at the house. Again the oddity to me is this since it's really kind of repulsive to think someone would let a stranger sleep in my bed and then not do something. Even if it were not YOUR bed (i.e. a guest bed) it's still odd behavior since most civilized people change the sheets in their guest room for a new occupant.:eek: :D

A further dynamic is that your husband really assumed that he had in some way granted permission for his DAUGHTER to use the facilities even with guests since it was only when you backed him into a corner and demanded to know exactly what he had said, did he state that he hadn't given explicit permission.

It is also strange that she went out there since how did she know YOU and your husband wouldn't be there -- or someone else -- unless she had checked with someone.

I am stressing the word DAUGHTER rather than stepdaughter because as far as I can tell this is his daughter in a very real sense since he doesn't appear to make the emotional distinction that you do.

The other stuff seems quite minor -- swapping out milk or changing throw pillows especially since it seems you leave perishables there on an on-going basis.

As to the future, I think it should be cleared up without making any kind of emotional broohaha and the rules of the road should be the same for each of the children -- i.e. you are both welcome to use the house but please let one of us know beforehand.

[jmarie]

A further dynamic is that your husband really assumed that he had in some way granted permission for his DAUGHTER to use the facilities even with guests

I have a feeling that he may have felt this way. I really donot have anything to say except that no matter how you feel, she is his daughter....and sometimes our children screw up.....really bad, but we still love them.

He may have told her to come out anytime and she just thought it was ok. It may not necessarily be what he meant, any time and it still doesn't make it right....Any child, even if they have free reign over a place still needs to clear it first...Hey dad, I am planning a small hunting trip, do you mind....

But regardless, you have stated that you do not feel the same towards this girl as you do your own son....you figured this out yourself...perhaps you need to examine it more closely...and please remember that we never outgrow needing our dads...please make that spot a safe haven for her.

Good luck.
Joyce

[sneezles]

The ranch is one of our biggest assets, and God forbid something happens here and we get sued, we could lose it.

When we bought our ranch we formed an LLC something you might want to consider if you are going to allow others to hunt on your property.

[charley]

The fact that you don't have the same bond with your stepdaughter as you do with your son doesn't really have bearing on the circumstances. The simple fact is she took advantage of the situation. If your husband really had no idea that she was planning an overnight visit with guests then he should be equally concerned. This is your home and parameters need to be established.

Kay, great list!!!

[Kay Henderson]

Sounds like you are on your way to solving your problem. Here are some samples of "how to leave the place" instructions. The first is from the family cabin. It is so specific because it was written at a time when a new generation, not all of whom were neat, was beginning to use the cabin independently. I have not included instructions for draining and winterizing.

The second set is an example of instructions we leave our daughter. She uses our present house occasionally, sometimes with guests, when we are off in our RV. This particular set is from last March. I change it slightly each time we take off, depending upon what is going on and the time of year. Since it is a large house which takes six hours to clean, I have told her not to get too hysterical about a weekend. I am mainly concerned about the linens.

Another way of handling expectations which I have seen, is a departure checklist.

The suggestion for a calendar is also excellent. Should it get complicated (perhaps when you and DH, your son and DH's daughter, and possibly friends as well, are all using the house), it is helpful to e-mail the reservations to the major players periodically. Good luck!

Kay

Hints for Our Guests
Family Cabin
[address and phone]

Food

1. You are welcome to use all food in the cabin. This includes the refrigerator, cupboards, counters and table.

2. If you use up a staple (such as cooking oil or paper towels), please replace it or let ............ know so she can do so.

4. If you replace a staple in the cupboard or refrigerator, please date with a marking pen.

5. Find out when the next group is coming, and do not leave food in the refrigerator which is likely to spoil.

6. The nearest garbage dumpster is at ...............

Cleaning

1. The house is ready to leave when beds which have been used are made up with fresh sheets, used linens are washed, dried and put away, bathrooms and kitchen are clean, living areas are vacuumed and dusted, heat is turned down to 55 degrees and chaise cushions are brought inside.

2. Hint: The washing machine is not fast. If you use many beds, it is helpful to begin washing the sheets in the morning of your last day.

3. Hint # 2: Please use only Shower Power on the shower surround, as cleansers will scratch.

Maintenance

If you notice a problem, such as a leaking faucet, please let ..... know so that we can fix it.

[Our present house]

WELCOME! [date]

Special notes:

1. Caring for new countertops. Please do NOT use powdered cleanser, Windex, or anything strong on the counter. If you need to do anything more than wipe it off with a sponge with a little Ivory, please use the StoneTech Professional Revitalizer under the sink.

2. Karen will be checking the plants after about two weeks, so they shouldn’t need watering.

Location, Useful Phone Numbers and Other Stuff

Heater

The house has two heating systems, one for each floor. Each system has its own thermostat and both operate the same way. Both heaters are to be left on and set to no less than 55 degrees.

To turn up the heat, press the “UP” button. To return it to 55, press the “DOWN” button.

Kitchen Stuff

If you use up a staple (like olive oil), please leave a note so I can replace it.

Linens

Fresh linens are in the closets for bedrooms #s 1 and 2 . Bedroom # 3 just has one set of linens. Extra towels are in the upstairs bathroom cabinet and the downstairs bathroom chest.

Miscellaneous

The remote control on the mantel is used to start the gas log.

Amenity Passes and Letter of Permission

Leaving

Please return the heat to 55 degrees and draw the blinds.

In the Event of a Power Outage

The flashlight is on a shelf in the pantry as are emergency oil lamps, candles, matches, and a first aid kit. (There are other bandages in the bathrooms and in the kitchen cabinet next to the refrigerator.)

Heat. There isn’t any during a power outage, as even the gas fireplace is a forced-air heater. Bundle up.

Cooking. The range (not the oven) is gas, but is lit by an electrically activated sparker. We have been successful lighting it with the lighter which should be in the drawer to the right of the range. If the weather cooperates, the propane BBQ on the deck is also a possibility.

[Kay Henderson]

Communication can be faulty in a vacation home used by more than one family. When DH and his brothers took over the family cabin, I started a "cabin log" (like a ship's log) in a binder. There were sections for cleaning, maintenance & repairs, purchases (such as a new refrigerator), and "notes." When each party leaves, they leave a brief note. We even use this if someone enters the cabin for other reasons.

Kay

[Romandub]

Thanks again, everyone! Kay--a special thanks to you! That list is wonderful! Love this BB!!

[mbrogier]

I'd be irritated too if I slept in my bed only to discover later that someone had slept in it and not changed the sheets. --the thing that would irritate me is that when couples go to a new place sometimes they get frisky, and my sheets could have dried who knows what on them. :eek: :mad: :rolleyes:

I think you've been given good advice on how to handle the situation.

I do wish you could get past the step issue. You're not as close to your stepdaughter because she was older when you married her father, so she didn't spend as much time with you. Don't let a word stunt a relationship that you could have. This girl sounds like she could use the guidance of a wiser woman's experiences in her life.

I'm adopted and one of my grandmothers didn't do as much with me because she couldn't get over the fact that I wasn't her *blood* granddaughter. I just didn't see why that was such a big deal. We spent time together and did the regular grandmother/granddaughter activities, but the only difference was sharing DNA.

When Granny was dying of advanced Alzheimers, I visited a lot and made sure that she was covered up (the facility she was in would leave patients exposed for everyone walking the halls to see:eek: ), made sure she was as comfortable as possible in bed, clipped her nails, and talked and sang to her. My cousin, the *blood* grandchild, didn't visit because she thought going to the Alzheimers facility was gross.

I'm just sensitive to this because I've been in a similar situation. I can definitely see why you'd be angry at your stepdaughter for wasting money, but you can still love her and have a good relationship. My dad remarried, and my step is a really loving person. I know she loves me and would do anything for me because I'm the daughter of her love. My brother has made a real mess of his life and frustrates my father to death. My step gets just as frustrated and irritated, but she still loves him and wants the best for him and his family.

[dixie]

I'd think twice before working up a "calendar" or schedule for the ranch...that makes it sound to me like its more up for grabs than you may really like - especially now while its new. We adore for family to use our lake house, but its understood that they just need to ask first... We too have a "when you get here" and "before you leave" check list, Kay's is fabulous, and that's the perfect place to spell out everything regarding sheets, etc. I don't think your DSD was trying to be sneaky though or she prob wouldn't have left the milk...I think she was thinking wow, I really left this place looking good! Maybe you just have different standards and she needs to meet yours when using your home. Good luck.