Christmas dinner invite, tricky situation, advice?

[Middydd]

We have close friends who invite us for Christmas dinner, usually the invitation is issued early, one year it was early in November.

They just went through a family illness and lost a parent last week. They've been traveling back and forth to their hometown. I'm sure they're exhausted.

They called yesterday to get our address for the mother-in-law to send a thank you card for the baking I sent for the funeral.

I said "So, are you going to travel to your mother-in-law's for Christmas?". The answer was "The same as last year, we'll go on Boxing Day".

So, they'll be in town for Christmas, I don't know how to bring it up as to whether we're supposed to come for dinner. No invitation has been issued. I'm wondering if they want a quiet, family only day but don't know how to tell us.

I'm perfectly understanding of that idea, I'd actually be very happy to make other plans.

Is there any tactful way to bring up the issue? Without looking like I'm fishing for an invitation?

They're coming here for dinner on Saturday.

I'm puzzled. Help!!

[zwieback]

I would presume that there has been no invitation extended, even if it is a yearly tradition with you. I think I'd just let them be this time and call after the holidays to check up. Of course, you could always extend an invitation to them, if possible. Could you invite them for Christmas dinner to your place? You could also offer to bring dinner to them, but that could be a sticky situation to invite yourself over during their time of mourning. Otherwise, I'd just let them mourn their loss and catch up with them after the holidays.

ETA -- I just noticed that they are coming to your place on Saturday, so maybe they'll say something then. I don't think I'd bring it up, though.

[MinEaston]

My guess is that they are totally overwhelmed with everything that's happened and may not have actually given any thought to what they want to do.

I know you said they're coming to your place for dinner this Saturday. Would hosting Christmas dinner also, and inviting them, be an option? If so I'd probably say "with everything that's happened recently, would you join us for Christmas?" That may make it easier for them to say they'd rather stay home as a family or to indicate they've made other plans. Or, if they haven't thought about it, they may be grateful for the invite!

[Middydd]

Thanks for the replies.

They've told us many times that they travel on Boxing Day to their hometown so that their children can have Christmas Day in their own home. Knowing that, I can't really see asking them to come to my house.

I'm wondering if they're playing it "by ear" to see how the mother-in-law is doing and they might decide at the last minute to travel earlier to their hometown.

I guess I should just ask, I just don't want them to feel like they have to worry about us on top of everything else they're going through.

[SusanMac]

It sounds like you guys are really close, so if you feel the need to ask, I'm sure you can do it in such a way that they'd understand and not feel like you're fishing. You're clearly being sensitive to their situation, so as long as that comes across, you'll be fine. Hopefully, they'll feel completely at ease if they have to say, "you know, this month has just been too stressful & the thought of having dinner guest for the holiday is just too much for us right now." You might also get "we'd love to have you over, but can't promise anything fancier than PB&Js" (that would probably be my response in their situation!)

[aggie94]

Is it possible that they just assume, based on your history, that you will be joining them for Christmas dinner? We have close friends that we have spent Christmas with the past several years, assuming we do not travel back to Texas for the holidays. This year, we hadn't discussed plans with them, and last night, she called and asked what we were doing for Christmas. I responded, "I don't know. Are we invited over?" The response was, "Of course! I didn't think I had to actually tell you that since you know you're always welcome."

Since you described them as "close" friends, do you think they just assume you know the invitation is out there? If they truly are close, I would just bring it up and ask what their plans are for Christmas dinner this year. I think you can certainly do it in a way that doesn't sound like you are fishing for an invitation.

[ginny177]

I think what MinEaston said covered all the questions.

If you don't feel up to offering to make a full Christmas dinner at your house, you can still offer to take something over to contribute to their meal ( a cake or pie, etc ?) .

[hollysmom]

I think what MinEaston said covered all the questions.

If you don't feel up to offering to make a full Christmas dinner at your house, you can still offer to take something over to contribute to their meal ( a cake or pie, etc ?) .


This is what I would do. Offer to make the dinner and bring it to their house "since we always get together every year". What a great Christmas gift THAT would be. Call them today.

SSM

[clairea]

Thanks for the replies.

They've told us many times that they travel on Boxing Day to their hometown so that their children can have Christmas Day in their own home. Knowing that, I can't really see asking them to come to my house.


I don't think this precludes asking them to Christmas dinner at your home. I am another person who really likes to have Christmas day at home for my children, but for me (and for many other people I know) this really means Christmas *morning* at home.

Also, when people have been through such difficulties as this family has, sometimes a break from tradition is exactly what they need. So even if they usually spend the whole day at home, they might be grateful for an invitation to your home.

In any event, I don't see any harm in inviting them to join you for Christmas dinner, or to bring some food to them if they prefer to stay at home alone. And by extending that invitation you will open the door for them to let you know that they are still expecting you to join them in their home if that is in fact the case.

[newcook]

I guess I should just ask, I just don't want them to feel like they have to worry about us on top of everything else they're going through.

They may be worrying about how to tell you that they are not up to having you over this year. I would definitely bring up the subject when they are over. I would say something like: with everything that has been going on I am assuming that our regular Christmas dinner has been put on hold, have you decided what you would like to do?

That way, whether they would still like to have you over or whether they were hoping to have a quiet supper at home, they could just express what they would like to do. They may answer something like, we would love to still do it but we just can't manage all the preparations. So depending on their answer, you could offer any help you are able to offer.

[Canice]

I also agree with MinEaston. I think her suggestion "with everything that's happened recently, would you join us for Christmas?" acknowledges that you typically spend the day together and also takes the burden off them to have to answer the question, "Even though your mum died, are we on for dinner?". Even if they decline your invitation, it gives them the opportunity to say, "Right now we just want to be together as a family" or such.
Even with a good friend, I wouldn't want to put them in the position of having to acknowledge that they have not invited you over this year.

Eva, it's sweet that you are so much a part of their holiday tradition that they assume you know you're invited, but I can't imagine (as a hostess) that I would assume people knew they were invited to an event I'd never issued an invitation for. :confused: But I'm old fashioned in a lot of ways.

[Middydd]

Thanks to all for the great advice.

The invitation was issued last night. I usually bring appetizers and desserts, so offered to make those and anything else needed.

[MinEaston]

Thanks for the update, and I am sure that at this time they may really appreciate the continuation of your tradition of joining them for dinner.

(I'm guessing they somewhat lost track of time and always had the intention to invite you...)