What should I do now?

[Emmalani]

I don't post much, but mostly read others threads. Now, I need advice which you all are so good at providing. The other day, a friend emailed me and asked to meet me for coffee. She said she needed help figuring something out. So, this am we met at the coffee shop. She asked me if I noticed anything out of place or different when I stopped by to feed her cat back in late August. I said no, what is this all about. She says... well there is no easy way to say this, but a pair of very expensive diamond earrings are missing and I can't find them. I went to the safe to get them last week and they are not there. I wore them last the first part of August and my husband and I can't remember if we put them back in the safe. We have searched every inch of the house. She said several things may have happened. She takes her jewerly off and puts it on her dresser in the closet. She had bags of clothing next to the dresser that were going to goodwill. She thought it may have fallen in the bag by mistake. (the satin jewlery box she keeps them in) She went to goodwill to see if they may have them... no luck. She thought maybe she gave them (in the box) to her husband to take downstairs to the safe and maybe he got sidetracked and set the box somewhere (the garage, maybe). So after a week of searching, she called the sheriffs dept to report the lost/stolen earrings. He wanted to know all the people that had been in her house. He said since nothing else was missing, that she either lost/misplaced them, or someone they knew took them. He said in cases like this it is ususally a family member, or someone they know and trust. I don't think she was accusing me, but I felt so uncomfortable! I talked with her for about an hour to brainstorm as to what could have happened to them. I know I've done some really dumb moves with misplacing things only to find them later in a really strange place.

Anyway, the group of ladies that I socialize with (45 - 60 age group) have cats or dogs and we all do quite a bit of traveling. So, we have a whole network of friends that we trade pet sitting. This has been going on for several years. So, I leave the coffee shop and get to thinking... does she think I stole her earrings? I've been wrangleling with this all afternoon, and I just want to call her and say... can we be really clear here, do you suspect me of stealing from you? I don't want to make more of this than it is, but somehow I just feel really uncomfortable. I was trying to be so polite at the time because this had to be really tough for her to do and I was trying to put myself in her place. But now I almost have this violated kind of feeling.

What should I do?

[ChristyMarie]

I would let it go. Don't bring it up again. It was probably very uncomfortable for her to talk to you but perhaps she just couldn't think of anything else to do.

Hopefully they were insured.

[suebear37]

I think that since she probably had to give your name to the police as someone who had been in the house, it was her way of giving you the heads up that the earrings were missing. I don't think she suspects you, but she's probably thinking she should mention it to you in person first rather than have the police come knocking on your door & catch you completely by surprise.

[TKay]

I was in a situation recently where I knew that someone had done something unkind toward me without me knowing it. When I found out, there was one particular person that it seemed to be, but she's my best "mom friend" and super nice to boot. I couldn't imagine it was her, but could not come up with anyone else at the time. So I just flat out asked her. I said, "I don't believe this to be true, but I just need to get the words said and have them answered." She assured me that it was not her and that she'd never do anything like that to me. Even though in my heart I knew it couldn't possibly be her and I was devastated by the prospect of it, it helped to hear it from her.
What I might suggest to you is that you do bring it up to her. But I wouldn't ask her if she suspects you. I might just say, "Gosh, it occurs to me that I had access to your home around the time the earrings disappeared. I don't have any idea what became of them, but I want to put your mind at ease. I know you have to consider EVERY possibility, so I just want to get this out and said. It was not me."
I know that might seem like protesting too much, but your friend might actually appreciate hearing you say it directly.
Hope that helps.

[Kristilyn1]

Am I the only one here who is sitting here thinking "of course, that's why she asked you to coffee"? I mean, isn't it obvious? While I doubt you are her number one suspect, and that a big part of her believes that she misplaced them---yes, she met with you for the express purpose of bringing up the fact that it just might have been YOU that stole them. Otherwise, why tell you how the police think it is someone she knows and trusts? I mean really.

It must have been hard for her to bring it up, and if you are anything like me, the minute someone brings up a missing item, I start ACTING guilty....flashback to school and someone's lunch is missing....argh. Anyway, I'd simply assure her that 1. You did not take them, and 2. You didn't notice any signs of someone having broken into the house while they were gone. She will either continue to suspect you, or not. There is very little that you can do to end this uncomfortable thing. Hopefully, she was just covering her bases, but the fact that you walked away pretty much clueless that she suspected you, may either increase her suspicions or lessen them, who knows.

Kristi

[mbrogier]

I'm with Kristilyn. I doubt she suspects you now since you tried very hard to help her and didn't act defensive. You have nothing to act guilty about.

Hopefully if someone *did* steal them, they'll show up to the coffee meeting wearing the earrings. :D

If it were me, I'd call her and say, I know I was in your house around the time of that the earrings were missing, and I didn't see any evidence that someone broke in. If I wanted expensive earrings, I'd buy them, not steal yours. She's risking not having any friends over an item that she should have insurance coverage on.

[MaryMac]

Am I the only one here who is sitting here thinking "of course, that's why she asked you to coffee"? I mean, isn't it obvious? While I doubt you are her number one suspect, and that a big part of her believes that she misplaced them---yes, she met with you for the express purpose of bringing up the fact that it just might have been YOU that stole them. Otherwise, why tell you how the police think it is someone she knows and trusts?

My thoughts exactly!

[Kristilyn1]

I'm with Kristilyn. I doubt she suspects you now since you tried very hard to help her and didn't act defensive. You have nothing to act guilty about.



This is where I think it gets tricky. In order to be the kind of person who would steal from a good friend, I'd think you'd HAVE to be someone who would fake concern. Not that I steal, but I think it's a very different thing to steal something from someone you never met, to stealing a precious item from one of your friends. So, unfortunately---the reaction (to me) would have very little bearing on whether I would decide if this person had done it or not. I think the fact that she was really emphasizing that she might have misplaced them is her way of reassuring you that she doesn't REALLY think YOU took them, just that she needed to check in officially and maybe if you did do it, something in your demeanor would give you away. Whether she felt it did or not, well, how she acts with you in the future will tell.

Kristi

[lindrusso]

Sorry you were confronted with this, it must have been very uncomfortable.

I honestly don't know how I'd handle it. It would depend on so many factors - how close I was to the friend, etc. If we were really close, I have to admit that I'd be very insulted and would have a hard time with it. :(

[Canice]

She asked me if I noticed anything out of place or different when I stopped by to feed her cat back in late August. I said no, what is this all about. She says... well there is no easy way to say this, but a pair of very expensive diamond earrings are missing and I can't find them.


What a weird conversation. I mean, what exactly did she expect from it? To see you flinch and blush in guilt? Or to break down and confess? Or perhaps to say, "Why, yes, something WAS amiss: your front door was wide open"? I don't get it. And the fact that she set an appointment to "discuss" it. Not a lot to discuss. And then to say "there's no easy way to say this....". Ick. I would have just said, "I'm sorry I can't help you: I didn't see them." and left it at that. Seems terribly awkward for everyone, but I guess she has to explore every avenue she can? It must be a sickening feeling to lose something like that.

[mbrogier]

How many other people would have had access to her house??

I know when my mom goes away that she has *one* person come over and house sit or if she's not available has her neighbor come by a couple times a day to check in on her parrot.

There aren't hoards of people coming in and out, though. I don't even see why you'd have a housecleaning person come in when you weren't home.

Kristilyn, I see your point, but this theft was a opportunistic crime. The friend just happened to have the jewelery out. That might be too much of a temptation for some people.

Emmalani, I feel worse for you and more outraged the more I think about this confrontation. I wouldn't pet/house sit for them anymore. You were doing them a big favor!

[Emmalani]

Okay, thanks so much for all of your perspectives. Here is the latest... I called her that evening after coffee. I said, I've been thinking about our conversation is morning and running it through my mind. I'm thinking that I may have miissed some important cues from you as I was so surprised as to the direction of the conversation and I know you were so uncomfortable and I didn't want to make it worse. But, I need to tell you... I did not take your earrings. I'm not sure that is what you were asking or if that is what you needed to hear. She replied, that is so sweet of you, but no that is the reaction I didn't want. I was trying so hard to not sound like I was suspecting you in any way. My husband and I talked about this alot and practiced how I would word things. He did not want me to say anything to anyone, but I felt that I had good enough friends that they would understand. That was the essence of the conversation.

So, I felt better... then, I don't know maybe my imagination got away with me again and I thought about what I would do. If I did not suspect someone, I would have just called them to give them a headsup that I had filed a police report because I had a pair of missing earrings, and had to include my name in a police report. And said, I really think we misplaced them but I needed to file the report for insurance purposes ... and that would have been it. I just feel sick, and you all are right... what was the purpose of asking for a meeting without telling me what it was about? Was she looking for signs of guilt? Maybe so, and would I break down and confess? I know I sat there in shock and discomfort and probably looked guilty! I could just kick myself for not being more forward and just saying "do you suspect me of stealing from you"? Sometimes, I'm just too darn nice for my own good. That is what makes me so mad with myself. She is such a nice person and has never acted caddy or any of the other things that can happen with friends. That is why I felt such sympathy for her at the time.

Yes, whatever becomes of this... I will NEVER trade cat sitting with her again! I have keys to two other of my friends houses, I feel like giving them back and backing out of the whole cat sitting network! I know THAT is childish. Anyway, I have now had two sleepless night mulling this over. You know how things become bigger at night?

[blazedog]

At this point, I think you need to take her at face value.

Taking her at face value, I am sure it was difficult for her and she might have thought that stating the subject of the meeting would have created a difficulty that broaching it initially in a face to face meeting wouldn't.

If she continues to want to have you cat sit, I would continue to do so since surely this is an endorsement of you.

If she has any sense that she could have lost the earrings, then there is a good possibility that this is what happened. Without assigning blame, if one doesn't follow a strong ritual with respect to valuables, things can go missing inadvertently -- spoken by someone who is continually coming across long lost small objects in odd places that seemed appropriate at the time.:p

[Emmalani]

Blazedog, I think you are right... I just need to take her at face value and move on. Or, make myself crazy!

[Gilgamesh37]

This is an awkward situation, and I agree you should take her at face value. Am I the only one who suspects the cat, though? I remember one year we finished opening Christmas gifts and my Dad said "You missed one. Isn't there one more under the tree?" No. His major gift to my mom was just...nowhere. He knew he'd wrapped it and put it in the spare bedroom (packages were stashed there that year until late Christmas Eve as we were having a huge mob of people over) and then...poof. He was heartbroken. Fast forward to May and I find a small shiny box--with claw marks in the paper--shoved waaaay under the bottom bookshelf in the spare bedroom. Cat saw a small shiny thing that was easily batted around, played with it and amused herself for a while until she got it wedged under the bookcase, and then wandered off. I'm thinking two small, roly sparkly things in a dish would have been a vast temptation for cat hockey....?

(also? Am I the only one who finds it odd that someone has enough good jewelry that they feel they need a safe in the house, but at the same time are so cavalier with it that they leave it on their dresser and/or don't really remember what they did with it after wearing?)

[Kathy B]

Another thought that I had was that if the earrings DID fall in a bag and get taken to the Goodwill, that would undoubtedly be the end of them. Just because whoever they talked with checked and said none were turned in doesn't mean someone didn't find them and think it was their lucky day.

[mbrogier]

This is an awkward situation, and I agree you should take her at face value. Am I the only one who suspects the cat, though? I remember one year we finished opening Christmas gifts and my Dad said "You missed one. Isn't there one more under the tree?" No. His major gift to my mom was just...nowhere. He knew he'd wrapped it and put it in the spare bedroom (packages were stashed there that year until late Christmas Eve as we were having a huge mob of people over) and then...poof. He was heartbroken. Fast forward to May and I find a small shiny box--with claw marks in the paper--shoved waaaay under the bottom bookshelf in the spare bedroom. Cat saw a small shiny thing that was easily batted around, played with it and amused herself for a while until she got it wedged under the bookcase, and then wandered off. I'm thinking two small, roly sparkly things in a dish would have been a vast temptation for cat hockey....?

(also? Am I the only one who finds it odd that someone has enough good jewelry that they feel they need a safe in the house, but at the same time are so cavalier with it that they leave it on their dresser and/or don't really remember what they did with it after wearing?)

I think you could be right about the cat! I've seen my Gris running off with a $200 watch I once had. (It was stolen later) I broke her of the habit of playing with my jewelry and have been much more careful where I set my pieces down...not only to protect my jewelry but my sweet kitty's tummy!

I had thought from the beginning that the friend really should have been more careful with pieces *that* valuable. I figured she had already mentally beaten herself up over that. My parents also knew a woman that was so cavalier with her jewels that she dropped a 2 carat diamond earring down the shower drain because she refused to take them out to wash her hair. :eek: (yes, those puppies were 2 carats per ear)

I'm glad that y'all talked and got everything sorted out. I've come across a saying in the past few months that I just love--When people show you who they are, believe them. Your friendship has weathered an extremely touchy situation. Now it's up to you to decide if you're still comfortable being so intimate with your friend's possessions. From what you've stated, she seems like a good friend. Those are hard to come by these days. I wish you the best.