Pretty Ticked . . .

[Puppylove]

So I'm having a Bunko party tomorrow night and someone just emailed a cancellation because "they are throwing a dinner party on wednesday and need to spend tomorrow night getting ready." I'd already told this person that you needed 12 people committed to play since you can't play with less and I just don't quite know how to respond. She is not quite a friend (primarily because of this kind of cr@p) but she is in my inner circle by default so I do need to use tact. Additionally I have a neighbor who this woman knows from high school and had mentioned she'd like to see again, so I invited her as a surprise (because I'm a generally considerate person unlike some:rolleyes: ). How would you respond?

[ljt2r]

I would be wildly furious, vent like crazy here and to my family and then do my best to let it go. UNLESS she is a good enough friend (or a frequent enough presence) that it would be worth mentioning. This past December my "supper club" (I am new to the area and actually it is 3 of DH's colleagues who all like to cook) decided we would have an xmas party with the whole families for our December meeting and I was hosting and providing the main dish. 2 of them called off the week before the "party". At which point I cancelled it. I have not contact them to restart because really this is not the kind of supper club I want. I could tell they had forgotten about it and decided they were too busy. On the other hand, I had made sure my house was decorated for the holidays early and I had already done a lot of my shopping. But I have tried to let it go otherwise since they are not my friends really and confronting them would just make life awkward. Having said that, if I considered them real friends I would confront them. What and how I would say would depend on the person though--that is hard to advise. Are you even invited to this party? This person's reason is perhaps the most obnoxious part of the whole thing.

[Melman]

So I'm having a Bunko party tomorrow night and someone just emailed a cancellation because "they are throwing a dinner party on wednesday and need to spend tomorrow night getting ready." I'd already told this person that you needed 12 people committed to play since you can't play with less and I just don't quite know how to respond. She is not quite a friend (primarily because of this kind of cr@p) but she is in my inner circle by default so I do need to use tact. Additionally I have a neighbor who this woman knows from high school and had mentioned she'd like to see again, so I invited her as a surprise (because I'm a generally considerate person unlike some:rolleyes: ). How would you respond?

Though it was pretty late to send you a cancellation, it is definitely possible to play bunco with less than 12 people. My group has been meeting for a good ten years or so. I bet we've had less than 12 many more times than we've actually had the perfect dozen. Just use a "ghost" player at the table where you're missing a person. The person who's a partner of the "ghost" rolls for herself...and then for the ghost at the appropriate time. We've successfully played with only ten players without a problem by using two "ghosts".

It's too bad for her that she's not going to be surprised with her friend from high school, but don't let it get you upset before your get-together tonight.

[ChristyMarie]

That is beyond rude. I cannot think of any polite way to respond to this woman.:mad:

[patsyk]

I would be really annoyed as well... and we often have people at the last minute cancel for bunko when a husband has to work late unexpectedly.

We usually play with a ghost player on those nights. It's a pain, but if it's only one ghost you can work with it.

[zackaboo]

One of my biggest pet peeves is someone who back out of commitments. Unfortunately my own mother is a frequent offender.

When I was part of a Bunco group, we frequently played with only 9 people, so your evening is definitely not ruined. It is frequently really hard to find 12 people whose schedules work out to get together at the same time. ;)

[Puppylove]

Well I went and hurt her feelings :( . I knew this would happen because I had to respond by email since she doesn't answer her phone or return calls. I tried to be matter of fact and said "I wish you'd told me sooner because Bunko take 12 and now I have to find a last minute replacement. And I had invited X over and she was excited to see you, I'm sure she'll be disappointed." So she emailed back and asked if she could call this afternoon and said my email was hurtful because I scolded her and sounded like I thought she had malicious intent when really she just overbooked herself. I think I probably did scold her and I shouldn't have emailed back at all. In truth I'd like to have a friendship with this woman - we are very similar in stage of life and major beliefs, but I have a friend who is close to her and she said "yay, it's just the way she is." Which is problematic in any relationship. much less a possible new friendship. Ack.

[leightx]

Yeesh - this whole situation (feelings getting hurt, other commitments, last minute cancellations, perceived or actual rude behavior) is why I avoid Bunko in the first place. But when I have played, the rule has always been that if you cancel, then you find a replacement. And there were always 4 or so women who were on the rotating substitute list, so it wasn't a big deal to find someone to take your place.

[Gecko]

I actually think she should have had the common courtesy to call you and let you know that she couldn't make it rather than sending you an email. It sounds to me like she knew she was letting you down and was hoping that it would all blow over in an impersonal email and that you wouldn't respond. The woman should just answer her phone, or at the very least return a phone message. I don't think your email was hurtful as you were just stating the facts.

[Andrea_2]

So she emailed back and asked if she could call this afternoon and said my email was hurtful because I scolded her and sounded like I thought she had malicious intent when really she just overbooked herself.

Oh the poor thing! :rolleyes: I have a huge pet peeve about people like this, and I'm having a similar situation with a "friend" of mine too. If people commit to doing something, then they should follow through. I think you did the right thing by saying something to her about it. Maybe next time she'll think twice about "overbooking" herself.

[stefania4]

Well I went and hurt her feelings :( Oh, please! She thoughtlessly inconvenienced 11 people at the last minute and was hoping it would be no big deal (even though she knew better), and she's mad that it's rude. I thought your response was polite and restrained.

[LakeMartinGal]

I actually think she should have had the common courtesy to call you and let you know that she couldn't make it rather than sending you an email. It sounds to me like she knew she was letting you down and was hoping that it would all blow over in an impersonal email and that you wouldn't respond. The woman should just answer her phone, or at the very least return a phone message. I don't think your email was hurtful as you were just stating the facts.

Oh the poor thing! :rolleyes: I have a huge pet peeve about people like this, and I'm having a similar situation with a "friend" of mine too. If people commit to doing something, then they should follow through. I think you did the right thing by saying something to her about it. Maybe next time she'll think twice about "overbooking" herself.I agree with these guys -- it's her guilty conscience that's scolding her, not you, and she just doesn't recognize it! Sorry your party's been hurt, though -- are you going to give the 'ghost player' thing a try?

[misskitty100]

-- it's her guilty conscience that's scolding her, not you, and she just doesn't recognize it!


I was going to type the very same thing....she has acted poorly.

When I played Bunco we would use a pillow as our ghost person if we didn't have 12 people. The pillow would make its way around the room just like everybody else.

[funnybone]

I'm glad our Bunco group is easy going and I don't think anyone has ever gotten angry with cancellations. We do play with ghosts from time to time, and sometimes when we have more last minute cancellations than expected, we just end up getting together and hang out anyways. IN the end we still have a good time. It's not about the game, IMHO.

[Puppylove]

This isn't a regular bunco group - this is a first time game so we don't have alternates at this point.

Anyways, we talked briefly and I apologized for hurting her feelings because that's never my intention and she apologized for being a flake and impressing her own meanings upon my email. I really didn't think it would be helpful to say hey you're a chronic cancellor and that's a problem, so we just left it at that. It was still a little awkward, she wants to come tonight . . . so what do you do if you have too many people in bunco - someone who couldn't come originally called and said they could - what do you do with an extra person?

[misskitty100]

she wants to come tonight . . . so what do you do if you have too many people in bunco - someone who couldn't come originally called and said they could - what do you do with an extra person?

Uggghhhhh..........

[Angelina]

Maybe she can make and serve drinks? Does she know she has been replaced? I would be upfront with her and tell her "Since you cancelled and someone else decided to come, we have enough people to play. If you want to come anyway, you can be our waitress and keep the snack dishes full!"

Angela

[Puppylove]

Uggghhhhh..........

I know - seriously. I have an open door policy and I'm finding out that this doesn't necessarily work with Bunco. I don't think I'm going to do this again. I'm going to do a "game night" in the future and if we happen to have 12 than perhaps we'll play bunco, or maybe not.
I actually just thought: great if the other woman is coming out of an obligation to make 12 and suddenly I have 13 am I going to offend her all over again? :rolleyes: I think I'm just going to decide not worry about that at this point.

But really - what do you do with #13?

[Puppylove]

Maybe she can make and serve drinks? Does she know she has been replaced? I would be upfront with her and tell her "Since you cancelled and someone else decided to come, we have enough people to play. If you want to come anyway, you can be our waitress and keep the snack dishes full!"

Angela

LOL! She doesn't know she's been replaced because it was my mistake. I said in the first email "you are always welcome" because of my open door policy and then someone else called and said "hey I can make it afterall!" and since I hadn't talked to her I said "great!" and then we talked and she said thanks she'd like to come and I just felt spiteful saying "well, too bad so sad too late"

[Kathy B]

Just take turns rotating into the game....i.e. everyone sits out a game on a rotating basis. Like we used to do playing volleyball in P.E. :D They can use the time to take a bathroom break or refill their snack plate or even just chat.
Doesn't have to be a big deal. ANd that is probably what you would do with 9 players as well (as opposed to using 3 ghosts which could get a little cumbersome).

[Robyncz]

While I agree that the last-minute cancellation was annoying (especially for the reason she gave you: "I can't come to your event because I've got to prepare for my own event."), I think it's possible that you're making this more complicated than it has to be.


We have 13 people in our bunco group--mainly because one or two people will always have to cancel at the last minute. That way there's a chance we might have 12 players, but if not we play with ghosts. If all 13 people do make it, usually the hostess sits out, rotating around to visit, refill drinks, etc. It's never been a problem that I know of. Like someone else said, it's not really about the game for us. It's about getting together and blowing off steam.

Have a great time tonight!

[Puppylove]

Rotating is a great idea! That's what we'll do.

Robyn, I think you are partially right - while I was upset that she cancelled at the last minute (and gave a lame reason) I think I was more upset with this habitual behaviour (which up to now has only effected me) and now I know for sure that I can't count on her to do what she says she is going to do. Really, thinking about it I think my feelings were more hurt by her lame excuse than anything. Because when the 2nd email came and she said "gee, her husband can clean the house tonight in prep for their party tomorrow, and she didn't know X would be there, so she really would like to come now" it feels like she isn't coming because she wants to develop a friendship but because she's obligated, and I don't have time for those relationships. I don't have a shortage of friends and I consider my time spent with people to be an investment in these relationships. Am I making any sense?

[LakeMartinGal]

You are absolutely making sense! Life is too short to waste it on users, and that's what she seems to be! The very idea that she's now coming because X will be there! Hmmmph!:(

[schuh]

This is EXACTLY why my bunco group fell apart. Lots of last-minute cancellations, etc. It made me nuts. It's not just using the ghost that's a problem, but having prepared the food & beverages with 12 people in mind. You weren't in the wrong for your reaction. Email never seems to be a good idea for conveying the emotions you were feeling ... but do as I say and not as I do when it comes to that.:o

[funnybone]

It's not just using the ghost that's a problem, but having prepared the food & beverages with 12 people in mind.


We don't have that problem since everyone else brings the food and the hostess supplies the drinks. One year we went with having the hostess prepare all the food and nobody wanted to volunteer to host.

[Andrea_2]

It's not just using the ghost that's a problem, but having prepared the food & beverages with 12 people in mind.

Exactly! And it isn't just about Bunco either. It seems like more and more people don't think anything of cancelling at the last minute for any type of event without any consideration for the amount of time, effort or money it takes the host to prepare for something.

[jenwolgey]

Exactly! And it isn't just about Bunco either. It seems like more and more people don't think anything of cancelling at the last minute for any type of event without any consideration for the amount of time, effort or money it takes the host to prepare for something.

I agree completely. I had this experience before Christmas this year. I hosted the annual party for my church choir, which is always well-attended. I spent hours on food and decorating, plus extra money on both, and half of the group didn't show up for various reasons. It's hard not to take it personally. :(