The lifetime of a Supper Club

[jcbodie]

Hi,

Just wondering what experiences others have had with the life of an SC. I'm currently in one that is struggling to continue, because one of the members has not been good about communicating her availability and seems to have different priorities now (but doesn't seem to one to let go). It's really hard on the rest of the group, to be able to plan ahead (I joined an existing group about 3 yrs ago and have never missed a monthly meeting). However, the last 14 months have been pretty much a roller coaster. It's really sad and I fear the group is losing steam...

How long has your SC been around and if it's no longer together, what do you think caused it to dissolve???

Also, it's been really frustrating trying to start/get into a 2nd group, even though I've posted on this bulletin board. Any ideas on how to hook up with fellow cooking buds??

jcb

[SusanMac]

Our group has been together about 7 years. We've definitely had individuals who have had to put the SC on the back burner for various reasons (babies, job travel, etc), but it's never torn apart the group. Someone might miss 4 months, but they just jump back in whenever it's right for them. I think we all understand, since it's probably happened to each of us at some point. We never have a month when absolutely every single member can attend. We just roll with it.

[Yoga0829]

I was in a supper club for 4 years, and it fizzled out but I learned a lot of lessons about what I'm looking for in a club. I'm now in a new club, and we've been going for about 4 years too.

In my old club, we had about half of our members who wouldn't RSVP until the very last minute (or sometimes not at all), making it stressful on the host. This was a cooking club (not a potluck style), so if most people can't come then it makes it hard to plan a menu that works. If folks consistently don't come, it also makes it tough when new members ask to join because as a cooking club there's only so many spots. Like your experience, folks weren't willing to admit they had too much going on in their life to make the club a priority. After 3 months of bad experiences, I left the group (along with the other 2 members that consistently attended or RSVPed in a timely manner). After we left, the group disbanded and never met again.

My new club is fantastic! We were willing to be honest about what we wanted out of the group so we set some "ground rules" early on. If you miss 6 months of dinners in a row (whether or not you have a reason), we will ask you if you still want to be part of the club. If you don't RSVP 2 months in a row, we will ask you about it to see what's going on. We met each other on this BB, so I wouldn't have any suggestions for how to form a new group for you. A supper club that cooks together definitely takes more commitment and structure...I think our open communication is what helps to make it work.

Good luck to you...feel free to let me know if you want suggestions for how to tactfully yet directly raise your concerns to your current group.

[jcbodie]

Thanks for both of your responses. I appreciate your sharing experiences, as they are quite different.

SusanMac: I can assure you that we have all been very, very understanding and have "rolled" with it. Certainly, our group has accomodated folks and yes, most folks have missed some sessions, with no problem. My discussion, however, was more specific to one member who just doesn't communicate, RSVP, etc. and it's played havoc with the group and it's morale (I am not the only one who has mentioned this). It's one thing to accomodate folks' life events, as long as they communicate with the group. This is a situation where the person, if she does show up, doesn't have future dates and doesn't bother to contact anyone (or return phone calls) in between, leaving us hanging and wondering if she'll show up. Sorry, but in my book, this doesn't have anything to do with not rolling with it. It really is more about not being very considerate of everyone else and their time, especially when we the group continue to be flexible to accomodate her. It's happened repeatedly over the last 14 months. and it just seems like the rest of us being flexible, is just expected now. As you have noted, it's hard enough getting several people together, with everything that goes on in our lives. I really think the main issue here isn't that people have lives/things going on, but the lack of communication and respect of other peoples' time.

Yoga0829: I completely agree with your experience; sounds exactly like ours. (Ours is also a cooking together group and I agree that it plays havoc with knowing whether or not all the menu items are covered and who's showing up, if you need a sub, etc.).

Don't know where you log in from, but I (and another member of the existing club) have tried to find other folks to start a 2nd group, for a couple years now. We live in a well-populated, financially comfortable area and I have tried all kinds of places to spread the word, including my women's club, yoga, etc. We are beginning to think we live in a fast food county :) and can't believe we can't find 4 other women to start a group with. No one seems to want to make a committment to this. Really sad.

I plan on staying with the group, but I fear, from your comments/experience it really looks like this group won't be around much longer. I'll definitely continue to try to find/start another group. I agree with laying ground rules; unfortunately I joined an existing group and don't know if rules were ever discussed.

Thanks again, for both your comments. Jcb

[SusanMac]

After reading Yoga's response, I realized there's a huge difference between the two types of clubs. I didn't clarify in my 1st post, but our club is a potluck type. So, when people have to cancel last minute, it doesn't mess up any plans. We just have a little less food.

I'm guessing yours is a club where you actually cook together. We haven't done that b/c of the complexity and time that it adds. And space, too. We have about 10 members in our club, so cooking together is tough.

Good luck with your group! I hope it works out

[jcbodie]

Hi Susan,

Sorry I didn't state ours is a cooking group, not potluck, in my original post. But I did, in the response part to both you and Yoga.

Yes, I can definitely see how a "potluck" would be better suited to handling no-shows and could roll with it. Your response now makes more sense to me, since your's is not a cook together club. And, yes, it is much more difficult to coordinate; hence, my comments and frustration. We all really enjoy the communal cooking concept and it only works well with folks who communicate effectively and show up.

Unfortunately all this really has less to do with SC's and everything to do with people and Group dynamics 101. No easy answer I'm afraid. But, I was glad to hear that my SC's experience may not be isolated.

Thanks again, jcb

[Yoga0829]

Jcb - I re-read your post and since it's just one member that seems to be causing the problem, can you (and or others) approach her directly about it? Or if that's too uncomfortable, simply send an email staing something like "Sorry to have missed you again this month. If (the hostess) doesn't hear back from you by XX date, we will assume you can't attend." That way you're not waiting around for a response and can go forward with your plans without her.

I still think it would be hard to "roll with it" on a consistent basis even in a potluck group. If the member who's supposed to bring the dessert (or veggies or whatever) doesn't show, then you've got no dessert. Horrors!!:o

Good luck...hope you can salvage your SC!

[jcbodie]

Hi Yoga,

Well...you got the brief and polite version. There's more to the story. For one thing, we have one member who has kinda designated herself as the spokes person. She's a nice person, but she tends to "mirror" things, i.e. one-on-one I'll tell here this is a problem and she will agree with me; the next person she talks to may say something else, but she will agree with them one-on-one, and then, she'll get in front of the person in question and fully support HER and not say anything about what's been discussed behind the scenes. Case in point: one of us is suppose to be hosting in August. When we all discussed this at the end of July's meetup, the spokes person was the one telling all of us (in front of the woman in question) that we had to show support for this woman and that she had up to the day of the August meetup to let us know if she was coming!!!!! (and the spokesperson isn't the one hosting) I didn't say anything 'cause we were at her house, but I would have liked her to give the person in question a deadline for a response, since the person was there and wouldn't commit one way or the other and that's only fair to everyone else, in my book. The next week, I get an email from the "spokes person", who suddenly has had a revelation, that we should set a deadline:confused:, but this was not said to the women in question, when we were all together and has not been communicated to her, yet. See what I mean...drama. Tactful emails won't work; this same person (the one in question) never uses or looks at her email, and doesn't phone anyone. We have another person in the group who calls her every couple of weeks and the rest of us get the "chinese telephone" version (if you played that childhood game). SO....basically, we have 1 problem person, but a couple of "enablers" and a couple of us who are privately fed-up, but made to feel a little bit like WE'RE the bad guys, if we bring this up and don't support the problem person.

I (and another person) are playing it by ear. I may be exiting stage right in the not to distant future, even if I haven't found another group (quite honestly, I probably would have done that, by now, if there were other options). And, all I wanted to do is cook!!!

ARRGHHHHH!!! The saga continues.....

[Angelina]

Fire the spokesperson and tell the woman who never RSVP's (without any go-betweens and in front of everyone) that if she does not answer by a certain date, she is not expected to come.

Sounds like your spokesperson feels she is in charge of the group and she is the one making the rules, but if you do care about your SC and you want to keep it going, speak up. It doesn't make sense to be all polite and tactful when a bit of directness won't hurt.

[jcbodie]

Angelina,

I like your style:D..and I couldn't agree with you more. As a matter of fact, the spokesperson often speaks out and then, later, after the pot has been stirred (cooking terms aside), she tends to step back and tell folks it's their choice and she doesn't mean to take over and what does everyone else think. I think she means well, sometimes.

When I questioned the spokesperson about why we could not proceed in securing a sub (at the July meeting, and in front of everyone, including the person in question, once they had announced they didn't know if they could come or not), the spokesperson basically said to me, in front of the group "...the group owes their allegiance to XXX". While I kinda understand what she meant, it really made me feel like the bad guy, for even suggesting we move forward. I don't like making a scene, so I let it die. What I felt like saying was "shouldn't we, as individuals, be demonstrating our allegiance to the group, as well...isn't it a 2 way street???". Unfortunately, when you feel like you're being viewed as the troublemaker (intrepretation: not supportive of other folks), you back down.


But, I do agree with you and Yoga and Susan....I'm thinking what I might do is approach the other "sane" member in the group (the 2nd person who's fed up) and share these posts. Then, maybe between the 2 of us, we can at least initiate the conversation..

Thanks for your input. Between all 3 of you, I'm not feeling nuts or like the evil twin sister, anymore. :D

JCB