Relatives

[mightyh]

I think this belongs on the healthy living board, as the stress it incurs definitely affects my health.

My aunt (my mom's sister) is a well-meaning woman who will not leave my family alone. My mom and she grew up in a poor family with eight children and a lot of issues (I'll leave it at that) and my mom has really been able to make her life into something she is proud of. My aunt has, too, to a different extent--and I think she sill looks up to my mom, her older sister.

My siblings and I have always been my aunt's favorites; she still buys us presents at holidays, always thinks we need to spend "alone" time with her when we go home to my parents', calls us a lot. She does have children of her own.

Now I have a baby and she is almost obsessed with him. It's like she is trying to compete with my mom (his grandma) for his attention. She sends him a package a month (is that INSANE? He's one year old and she sends him building projects that he won't use for YEARS), always wants the details on his latest stages, begs to babysit him whenever we're around, etc.

I have a great relationship with my mom and don't feel she's an obsessive grandma at all. But my aunt's behavior--including constantly complaining that my mom is trying to monopolize my son's attention (when in reality he simply prefers her to my aunt)--is starting to not only drive me nuts, but is affecting my mom, too. At their most recent interaction, my grandmother's 75th birthday party, my mom was telling a story about her grandson and noticed my aunt couldn't hear her, so she tried to reposition herself better to which my aunt replied, "That's OK. I'll get the REAL story from Heidi." My mom said it ruined the whole event for her.

My aunt also mentioned that she doesn't want to get a DVD player cause they have all the Disney VHS tapes so that Noah can sit and watch movies all day long when he comes to her house. We MIGHT go there once a year for a few hours AND my son doesn't even watch TV!!!

The latest version of my aunt's obsession is that she invited herself and her family out to visit me for a week so that "[your] mom can't hog him [my son] like she always does."

I'm offended by the false accusations against my mom, but don't know how to deal with the situation. My normal reaction is just to get through it and then complain about it to my husband (and my mom) later. My aunt is not the type to handle constructive criticism neatly--she'll often give folks the silent treatment for months. Also, I've tried to make off-hand remarks to improve the issue like "Oh he can't possibly make these building projects yet, as he's so little" but she replied that he should make them with his dad and that she'd be sending one every month.

Arrrrrrrrggggghhhhh! I am dreading this visit cause I know she will just go on and on about my mom and how she "hogs" my son.

I value your advice and wonder if there is a good solution for this. Help!

[Alisa]

Isn't it amazing how well-meaning family & friends can terrorize a person? I guess the best solution would be to have a talk with your aunt, kindly pointing out that Noah is YOUR son and not hers...but I know that these "talks" are usually difficult (if not impossible) to work out.

Is there any way you could encourage your aunt to become involved in a volunteer organization involving kids or start babysitting, or something like that? This might work if her longing is to be with kids, but not if she is just competing with your mother.

I wish I could offer a quick & easy answer.
Good Luck - if you need to vent, the BB is here..

[djoygirl]

Sounds like your aunt is putting you in a terrible position. While I would suggest being up-front and honest with your aunt about how she makes you and your mother feel, Alisa is right: these things are easier said than done.
You briefly mentioned your grandmother. Does she know about the problem, and what does she think? She may be a helpful ally. If she's aware of the problem and sympathetic, it may be easier for her to have a chat with your aunt.
Maybe the next time she invites herself, you could just tell her (a white lie) that you'll be out of town, or have something going on.
Good luck. I hope the situation gets better for you.

[hka]

Hi mightyh,

There is this MIL website that has message boards where you can post your problem and people can respond. There are a lot of lovely women that frenquent this site that may or may not have been or are in a similar position to yours. People don't just post about their MIL's but also about other family members. I thought I'd pass it on to you as another source for input. As to your situation, I get so mad when I hear of things like that. Noah is YOUR son! I'm sure your aunt means well but she sounds a bit jealous or something. I really don't know what to suggest. Your mom sounds like a lovely person. It may be that you both will need to confront her, in a loving manner, in regard her behavior. Here's the website http://www.motherinlawstories.com/.

[mightyh]

Thanks for your sympathy and suggestions so far... I'm trying to get my courage up to just confront her the next time she makes accusations against my mom to see if she even realizes what she is doing.

I may check out that MIL website. Sounds pretty interesting!

[beejayw1]

I'm late to this, but I was exploring some other boards (other than cooking) and stumbled across this.

It's so hard to handle a situation where you perceive that the problem is too much love. But isn't it interesting to reflect that we are (or at least I am) sitting in front of our monitors and thinking, "Gosh, it's not like he's her child or grandchild, after all..."

I don't think it odd that she loves your son so much (he's probably one darling little guy) but that she feels she has to compete with your mother. I find myself wondering if her own kids tend to ignore or discount her.

What would happen if you pretended to take her comments at face value? Like the "Oh, I'll get the REAL story" comment: "The REAL story, Aunt Sally? Oh, I don't think Mom would lie about anything like that." (Though, come to that, I think your Mom would be able to fight that battle.)

Or, "HOG Noah? But, Aunt Sally, he's her GRANDSON! Grandmothers are SUPPOSED to hog their grandchildren!"

And along with that, what would happen if you sat down with her, and giving 'the talk' this sort of slant:

"Aunt Sally, I wanted to let you know that you've always been so special to me and I'm so glad that Noah has such a wonderful great-aunt. You know, he's so fortunate with his family, and they are all so good to him." With that opening - what she's doing right - you can then go into, "You know, you don't ever have to worry that anyone would take your place for me and Noah, and I know you'll always be the best great-aunt he could have. But you know, you don't have to send all those presents."

You might also put in something about how you're very busy.

And then, this being the internet age, every couple months or so pop a photo off to her. (Get 'em scanned and print them up on your computer).

That's my $.02. Having witnessed some truly nasty family problems - relatives who won't speak to each other, fathers who disowned their sons, etc. - It's refreshing to hear of something that, while troublesome (I'd be pulling my hair out) isn't downright cruel and mean.

[mightyh]

Thanks, Diana, for putting things into perspective. You're right, of course and I'll try to think of my "problem" in that light from now on.