Foreign Exchange Student question

[Blissful_in_TX]

I'm throwing around the idea of hosting a foreign exchange student. A few questions....

- Part of the reason is somewhat selfish in that I would like to have a Vietnamese person around for DD's sake (she just turned 2). So she and us could learn more about the culture....the stuff that we can't learn from a book, and I was *hoping* he/she would be willing to talk to her in Vietnamese. I would really like her to learn Vietnamese but am not sure how to go about that. There are several VN women who work at the nail salons here, and I'm not sure how willing they would be, how much to offer, how often, etc.

- Ideally our kids would be more the same age of the exchange student, but now they are only in preschool. One woman who contacted me from an exchange program said that it wasn't an issue at all, and that in fact many host members are actually single parents. How true is that?

- What are reputable foreign exchange organizations? So far I've heard good things about YFU and AFS (who does not have a Vietnam program). PM me if there is any place I should avoid!

[DmOrtega]

The idea behind being or taking an exchange student is to immerse themselves into the lives and cultures of the host family.

Please don't take this the wrong way but we took over hosting a girl last year because her host family turned her into the babysitter. The mom didn't interact with her except to ask her to watch the young kids. She was miserable with them at which point we were recruited to take over.

It is understood, no matter how old your own kids are, that you will treat them as a member of your family and do things with them like you would a child of your own that is their age. So, before taking this on, think about what they will be getting out of it. What can you offer them as a host parent?

[Blissful_in_TX]

I completely understand what you're saying, and I wouldn't dream of taking advantage of her like that! I really think we could provide a great home and would certainly treat her like a member of the family. Finances aren't an issue, so we could take vacations with her, and do fun stuff. I was just hoping that she would talk to DD (not us) in Vietnamese whenever she interacted with her. Is that not appropriate?

I also thought about an au pair (sp?) but that seems a little over the top since I'm already a SAHM, and I heard more horror stories than good stories.

[blazedog]

I didn't get the sense that you were planning to "exploit" the student as free labor.

However, I think the issue might be whether it is easier for an exchange student if there are kids in the household who are closer in age and would help her/him -- i.e. going to the same school; having a circle of friends and activities built in.

Perhaps some of it might depend on whether your close circle of friends/relatives includes young people who would act as immediate "friends" to the student.

[DmOrtega]

It all depends on the exchange program. The programs that we have dealt with are language immersion programs. The host families are explicity asked to speak english with the students. I don't think that talking occasionally with your dd would be a problem but I would certainly ask the program coordinator about that.

[JenniferJJ]

I have volunteered with YFU. I can tell you that there are all kinds of host "families" - some single parents, some single adults with no other children, some empty nesters, some married couples who have not had children yet and some families with children of all ages.

Some teenagers actually prefer families with younger children because they do not compete with the host siblings for friends at school and there is less sibling rivalry. However, some don't like it because they don't have anyone to introduce them to friends at school. It all depends on the teenager.

[francophila]

several families i know have hosted exchange students where i used to live in So. Jersey. one thing you may want to check into is how much running around (aka chauffering) you will have to do. these folks had to do a LOT, which is the main reason that i never got involved in a program.

i've also had experience with attempting to have wee ones (i love Terry A's term!) learn a second language, and it is not so easily accomplished when it's a very part-time, short-term project. there really needs to be continual use of the second language in the home on a long-range, on-going basis to "take."

i don't mean to be discouraging, just think that you're best off going into this with eyes wide open. DS1 lived with a host family in Japan for 6 weeks prior to moving into student housing for the year and it was a wonderful experience for him.

[hlao23]

If BFE (your location) means what I think it does this may not be an option but....if you have a university close by you might ask them about hosting college students.

I've hosted students for several years now. So far they've mostly been from Japan but I've also had one from Jordan, one from Korea and 2 from Saudi Arabia. From what I understand, most of the host parents in our area are single women...some have kids, some don't.

I can't offer much about high school students. I don't think it would be inappropriate to ask any student to address your children in a language other than English. We learn words from our students all the time...it makes for interesting discussion and I think helps them feel less intimidated with their English when they see how we also have difficulties pronouncing things in their language. :)

[gertdog]

My parents have hosted many students through Rotary International (some while I was growing up; others after my sister and I had left home), so that may be another option for you.

Depending on the program, the student may also have obligations in addition to attending school and living with the host family. Students in the Rotary program are often involved in community service and make presentations at Rotary meetings (about their home country etc.), as well as attending social functions designed for the exchange students. A good program should also have someone local who is the student's "sponsor" or mentor, other than the host- or someone the student can turn to in case of issues with the host family or the exchange program. In Rotary, exchange students were often invited along on weekend trips or vacations with non-host Rotary families- this allows the students to experience more about the host country, and also affords host families an occasional break. All of the exchange students I remember generally had much busier lives than I did as a teen!

I don't think the age of the children in the home is necessarily an issue- one of the worst situations I remember was a student who was living with a host family that had a teenage daughter the same age as the exchange student. The daughter was apparently not on board with the whole hosting thing and made the exchange student's life miserable both at home and at school.

I'm not sure your children would get that much specific exposure to the Vietnamese language for reasons others have mentioned, but in terms of exposure to culture, opportunities abound. Depending on personality and interests, students might share cooking/foods from their countries, family or holiday traditions, music, pop culture.

A good hosting experience can lead to lasting relationships with the students and even their families. My parents are still in regular touch with several students they have hosted, and have even visited them in their home countries and/or hosted the students again when they visited the U.S. as college students or adults.

[mst]

I think that it is great that you are thinking of ways to have your daughter's birth culture around her and your family.

However, I was an exchange student when I was in high school. I was placed with a girl in her early 20's (and her family, but they did not interact with me at all- it was clear I was her responsibility). Anyway, she had been an exchange student in America, and wanted to practice her English. As much as I told her that I was there to learn Spanish, she had an exchange student so she could practice English. although it was a fun summer, I definitely feel short-changed.

[MaryMac]

I will start by saying that I have not had an exchange student, but I have three good friends who in recent years have hosted kids for the school year. While they all loved having the students, all of them were exhausted with all of the extra driving they had to do daily. At our school the students are encouraged to get involved in as much as they can and those pick-ups/drop-offs could come at nap time, etc. Plus all three that I knew got into semi-serious relationships, which put another spin on it. Since you have little ones you will come upon issues now that you won't even think about since you don't have teens yet. All of the families traveled quite a bit with their students. I'm sure it will be a rewarding experience but do think about the time elements too.

[Chefzhat]

francophilia - where i used to live in So. Jersey.

Aubergine???? Is that you?

[Blissful_in_TX]

....if you have a university close by you might ask them about hosting college students.


That is a good idea; we do have a university and they do have a host family program for int'l students, but they all live on campus. I guess we'd be more of a support-type role, but definitely something to look into.

Thanks for all the responses; I honestly didn't consider all the driving around there would be ......it probably would be challenging with the 2 little ones.

Ideally I want to find ways to exposure her the VN language on an ongoing basis, probably through a variety of methods.

[blazedog]

Are there Vietnamese communities around you?

I am more familiar with the whole support system in NYC surrounding the many adoptions of Chinese girls. There are after school programs which the girls attend -- many of them are friends - and a whole support system for the parents.

[Chefzhat]

That is a good idea; we do have a university and they do have a host family program for int'l students, but they all live on campus. I guess we'd be more of a support-type role, but definitely something to look into.

Thanks for all the responses; I honestly didn't consider all the driving around there would be ......it probably would be challenging with the 2 little ones.

Ideally I want to find ways to exposure her the VN language on an ongoing basis, probably through a variety of methods.

I didn't answer you, I got sidetracked by something else. :p Sorry!

I think that having an exchange student will pose some problems for you, and they have been detailed above.

Our neighbors, who have adopted Vietnamese girls, are very involved in the local adoption community and also have hired a college student from Vietnam to come visit, tutor, and mentor the girls. They get together with other kids that have been adopted (they found the group through the adoption agency).

All that said, the girls are very interested in becoming "just American". Sometimes it seems that the only people concerned about keeping them in touch with their roots are the adults involved. :) Most kids just want to fit in.

[Blissful_in_TX]

All that said, the girls are very interested in becoming "just American". Sometimes it seems that the only people concerned about keeping them in touch with their roots are the adults involved. :) Most kids just want to fit in.

That is very true; most inter-culturally adopted children do go through phases where they just want to associate with their American side, not so much the culture they come from. At the same time I've been reading blogs from adult adoptees.....those who came from Korea or from Operation Baby Lift.....and I hear 9 out 10 times that they stress families need to embrace their childs heritage and try to connect to others from their same culture as much as possible. Unfortunately there is not a large VN population where we live (some will say right there that we shouldn't have adopted her in the first place - though I disagree - but I digress). I know there are VN in our community and it's partly a matter how to reach out and connect with them. This last month I was fretting about Tet (Lunar New Year) b/c though I try to do the things I read in books/online, it all seems very contrived to me. It would be like someone in another country trying to put together a Thanksgiving feast....they just wouldn't "get it". Finally someone said "You can't give her that because it's not yours to give." Oy.

PS - There are not other VN-adoptees where we live that I'm aware of, though there are Chinese adoptees of roughly the same age....not the same thing, but we do try to keep them connected.

[Chefzhat]

I know there are VN in our community and it's partly a matter how to reach out and connect with them.

Understand, though, that the VT already in the community don't necessarily look at your adoption or the circumstances that made it possible as a good thing. Sad, but true. There's a real feeling of disassociation between the Vietnamese and the adopted kids - mostly shame for the reasons that made such adoptions possible, and anger that that their leaders effectively created a whole class of orphans, and the fact that their shame is out there for all the world to see.

[Blissful_in_TX]

Understand, though, that the VT already in the community don't necessarily look at your adoption or the circumstances that made it possible as a good thing. Sad, but true. There's a real feeling of disassociation between the Vietnamese and the adopted kids - mostly shame for the reasons that made such adoptions possible, and anger that that their leaders effectively created a whole class of orphans, and the fact that their shame is out there for all the world to see.

Understood. So far everyone we have met (both here and in Vietnam) have said more or less "Such a lucky baby, so lucky!" And of course we say "No, WE are the lucky ones." I even have a shirt that says (in glistening rhinestones) "Lucky Mommy". However since she is from the North (born into an ethnic minority in the mountains), it scares me that they think of her differently. I'm not sure the best way to deal with that. You can already tell that she is an incredibly bright, observant young girl......I just want to nurture her the best way possible.

[Canice]

What a great and giving and conscientious mom you are, Blissful. Of course you are blessed to have your DD, but she truly is a lucky girl - not just because you adopted her, but because she has you for her mother, no matter how that happened.

I am neither a mother nor an adoptee, so my opinion is not from personal experience, but I have to say that I think you're right about a Tet celebration feeling "contrived". Even, painful though it may have been to hear, that "it's not yours to give". Your heart and your head are in the right place, but maybe your objectives are better suited for a different time in your DD's life? How much would she get out of a 9-month exposure right now, and how fair would it be to the exchange student to be a vehicle, a cultural surrogate? I think Debie's right about a little kid just wanting to be part of the flow. Though I also know for a fact that, as you point out, that whole "We're color-blind! You're Asian? Huh! We never noticed that over these 18 years!" is not helpful either. I have heard way too many stories of adoptees from Asia growing up in white Midwestern communities, where no one was supposed to acknowledge that they weren't delivered via the Johannson birth canal.
Again, I know I have no "right" to an opinion, but I would reach out to what local VN community you have. I get all the political, ethnic, cultural, and social difficulties, but it's got to be your best bet. And if you found a way to connect with the younger members of the community (a college-age, American-born babysitter, maybe?) you might find that they, too, are balancing a bi-cultural life. And may not be as bogged down in certain social concerns as their elders? Just a thought. FWIW

[Chefzhat]

So far everyone we have met (both here and in Vietnam) have said more or less "Such a lucky baby, so lucky!" And of course we say "No, WE are the lucky ones.

You are both lucky. :) I really admire you, and applaud the care you are taking with your precious gift. You are a good mom!

[luv2cook]

I signed up with 4 different hosting sites. I decided that I wanted to try a teenager in my home again. Nothing could as bad as what I went through before!

Anyhoo, I have gone through tons of girls and have picked out a few. I am waiting for the background check to be done, for the ohter agencies to respond back/call me and we will see where it goes.

I was told that i will have to fill out a packet of info (no big deal) send pictures (no big deal) and write a welcome letter to the student and host family (BIG DEAL) for me! I mean, what do I say? cripes all mighty.

The only dealbreaker for me will be the school. We are zoned for a HS that I have had dealings with. As much as I don't want her to be surrounded by spoiled brats, I absolutely don't want her going to a school filled with losers and lowlifes! The exchange student my neighbors had hated that school.

I asked the supervisor to call the principal of that school and inquire. I told her if they wouldn't allow her in (school is pretty full and sought after), then I wouldn't take her because I wouldn't subject her to that school. of course, I would have to drive her to school every day, but I think it would be worth it. What's funny is each high school is about the same distance away from me, just different directions and on opposite side of the freeway.

I think it's great that they get to see you, too, and the student gets to pick you and it's not a one-way street. I also love the fact that you can read the profiles and figure out which one would fit in best, which one is high maintenance, which one comes from a privileged background, etc.

My mom is excited, too, and wants to help pick her out. Of course, if we got a girl that played golf, my DH would be seriously elated since I can't play anymore.

I guess we will see what we'll see....:)

[Blissful_in_TX]

My mom is excited, too, and wants to help pick her out. Of course, if we got a girl that played golf, my DH would be seriously elated since I can't play anymore.

I guess we will see what we'll see....:)

That is exciting! You'll have to keep us updated!

We decided not to do an exchange student at this point, but I do hope we're matched with a university student in the fall. :)

[luv2cook]

well, I have weeded out all the girls and have decided on a German girl. Her name is Paula. Of course, she's not mine yet. We have the home visit tonight.

I read all through this thread and I think I will be okay with the driving. I don't have kids and sorta kinda a flexible schedule and i have some friends that said they could help out if I was in a jam.

The biggest issue is the school. I don't like the HS I am zoned to. There is another alternative but it would involve me driving her every day and picking her up. However, I am wondering if in the long run that would be good because her choice of friend base would be bigger and more students at this school would probably drive and actually care about what their kids did.

I will make a trial run and see how much trouble it would be.