Turning 40 soon. Help me through this.

[foodfiend]

I think the title says it all. I'm hitting the home stretch of 39. I was hoping to age gracefully, but, nope, it ain't happening.
Words of wisdom please.

[blazedog]

Consider the alternative. :)

[ljt2r]

40 is the new 30. I am only somewhat facetious. :D

[generic]

Lily, I think we might be better able to help you if you tell us what specifically is bothering you about getting older. Loss of youthful good looks? Missed opportunities? Social attitudes?

I'm in my mid-forties. Yes, there are downers about getting older, but there are uppers, too. As you get older, you care less and less what other people think about you in general, which is INCREDIBLY freeing.

One other thing I will mention because I know you are a very caring person who likes to help others: As you get older, you will find that the wisdom you have gained just through years of plain old living helps you to be more useful in service to others.

[foodfiend]

Loss of youthful good looks? Missed opportunities? Social attitudes?



Yikes! I hadn't even thought about these things! ;)

It's all these things, I guess. It's as if I turned around one day and wondered what I did with my youth.

[KristiB]

I just turned 42. :) And Dara Torres won three Olympic medals at 41.

I found THIS (http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/editors-choice/2008/01/30/40-reasons-to-enjoy-turning-40-86908-20303245/)

Excerpts:

THERE'S no need to join Facebook or Bebo - you know who your friends are already

YOU can still remember how to write a letter and even know how to spell

YOU'RE wiser too. After decades of risking burn-out by saying yes to everyone, you should finally have learned to look after yourself and say 'no' occasionally

MARTINA Navratilova won two grand slam titles in her forties - the mixed doubles at Wimbledon and the Australian Open in 2003 - aged 46.

LADIES, the biological clock isn't ringing just as loud as it used to - Nicole Kidman (40) and Halle Berry (41) both had babies

YOU can remember when TV sit-coms used to be funny.

YOU lived through the Eighties the first time around, which means today you're wise enough to avoid hideous style revivals like luminous clothes, jump suits and leg warmers

TAKE confidence from fashion queen Coco Chanel. She said: "You can be gorgeous at 20, charming at 40 and irresistible for the rest of your life."

[MaryMorph]

Having lost some people very close to me at young ages, I've come to appreciate each new year as a gift that many don't have. I'm healthy, I've got a wonderful family, I've got friends that I've known for my ENTIRE life, I've got a good job that I enjoy (most of the time) and that I know helps others. Each year is a new opportunitiy to celebrate the great things (I consider them blessings, but others may have another term that's less church-y :)) that I have been given, and to look forward to the new opportunities that are in front of me. Each year also provides an opportunity to move farther away from things that haven't gone so well and another year to change the things in my life that I'm not satisfied with.

In addition to losing some loved ones way too early, I've also had the luck to have some really fabulous role models in people who have had the opportunity to live long full lives. I can look at them and the wonderful things that they've experienced, and be excited to possibly share the same things that they went through. Although my children are only 4 and 9 months, I am very excited to watch them grow and become parents and turn into a grandmother or a great-grandmother myself!

Besides, you're closer to getting all sorts of discounts on stuff. Early bird specials, anyone?

mary jo

[TieKitty]

I went kicking and screaming to 40, too. But as I look back on it now, those were some of the best years of my life. I was in the best shape I had ever been in and felt great! I look back at pictures of me when I was 40 and think, "Wow. I looked pretty good back then."

I'm sure that in 20 years I'll look back to where I am now and think the same thing, so I try not to think too much about it as I stare at my wrinkles in the mirror. (I've earned each and every one of them.)

Hang in there. The feelings you're having are fleeting....and normal, I think.

[BucknellAlum]

Yikes! I hadn't even thought about these things! ;)

It's all these things, I guess. It's as if I turned around one day and wondered what I did with my youth.

Ah "Youth is wasted on the young"!!! (G.B.S) That's one of my favorite sayings. I have felt exactly as you feel and I think that's pretty common. After all, it's relatively easy to look back and think of how you would have done things "better" or done "more" with your time.

But think of your life now. Do you think at 50 you will look back and say, why didn't I do more when I was 40? No you are probably too busy enjoying your life at 40. Looking back with higher expectations is not realistic.

As an OP said, it is pretty freeing to be at an age where you are more secure in your self, your relationships, etc. Not that you're stagnant, but that you have more life experience and can see the big picture better than a 22 year old :)

[jem927]

I'm in the same boat..

I hit the big 4-0 in just under two weeks, and am going through the same thing.

Most other birthdays haven't bothered me. Come to think of it, 25 was the only other one that got to me.

There are times that I just feel like so much of my life has passed me by, and that there is so much that I still want in my life - long term relationship, maybe children, move up in my career a bit, etc. I'm not saying time is running out, but...

Just my two cents worth....

We can get through this together! :-)

Jamie

[KAnn]

Wow...I don't mean to sound unsympathetic or insensitive but I never gave 40 a thought...too many vital women as friends and colleagues who were begining families and looking fabulous and involved with careers, volunteering, family and community. :confused: I just don't think of 40 as anything other than the begining of what most women call their best and most fulfilling years. I don't know all that many profoundly interesting women under 40, truthfully.

[SandyM]

Wow...I don't mean to sound unsympathetic or insensitive but I never gave 40 a thought...too many vital women as friends and colleagues who were begining families and looking fabulous and involved with careers, volunteering, family and community. :confused: I just don't think of 40 as anything other than the begining of what most women call their best and most fulfilling years. I don't know all that many profoundly interesting women under 40, truthfully.

I totally agree with this. I've never understood people who freaked out about a certain age. Why is turning 40 any different than turning 39? It's just a number.

Life is way too short to live with regrets, so stop looking back and fretting over what you've lost, and do what you can to make the next 40 years the best ever.

[wallycat]

I sobbed like a baby turning 20; the rest so far has not bothered me, but I "get" the angst.

Do you have friends that you admire who are in their 40s that you could model?

Sometimes I think the anticipation is worse than the event; and sadly, it does beat the alternative.

Since my breast cancer Dx, I too treasure each and every year and just accept all that comes with it ;)

[stefania4]

Happy mammogram birthday! ;)

I turned 40 back in June. My legs still work, I still look the same, I can still drive at night and there has been no increase in young whippersnappers calling me "ma'am." Seriously, I don't know what I thought was going to happen when I turned 40...

If anything, I've found a nice self-acceptance. Like when I took a hip-hop dance class; in my 20s I would've felt like a failure for dancing like a white ballerina. But now, well, I AM a white girl with a major ballet background, and I have a kick-*** great time at hip-hop class!

[foodfiend]

Jamie, are you taking all this down?

Thanks for the words everyone, esp. SandyM for telling me to not look back. Life really is too short.
But please keep the optimistic words coming!

[leebee]

I understand the feeling. It's symbolic for some of us--maybe not all, but for a lot of us, 40 is like the end of...something. But when pressed, it's hard to articulate what.

But I'll tell you something. It's also the START of something. It's the start of not caring what other people think, of feeling good in your own skin, of realizing what you still have time (and ambition!) to do, of understanding that you are who you are and that's enough. And I realized that I've had the best years of my life. I agree don't look back and say, "but I haven't" about things. You are who you are now. You can enjoy that and focus more on other things.

Do celebrate big if it seems like a big deal. Mark it like a transition. I got a tattoo in my 40th year, and I love it. I had a great big cake, and let my family and friends tell me how great I was. Find a way to celebrate yourself. You deserve it!

[sneezles]

Wow...I don't mean to sound unsympathetic or insensitive but I never gave 40 a thought...too many vital women as friends and colleagues who were begining families and looking fabulous and involved with careers, volunteering, family and community. :confused: I just don't think of 40 as anything other than the begining of what most women call their best and most fulfilling years. I don't know all that many profoundly interesting women under 40, truthfully.

And I'll say the same thing about the 50s. It's jut so cliche to gripe about your chronological age, IMHO, it's just a number why dwell on it?:)

[SusanMac]

I didn't have any angst turning 40 either. (that was 3 years ago) I do get why people use each decade marker as a time to reflect & do a bit of self-assessment. But, I think it's largely society that encourages the tendency to freak out over being a certain age.

I absolutely loved my 30s, and am loving my 40s so far, as well. In fact, they haven't been much different so far. If anything, I'm more active, healthier, and more at ease with my career.

What is it that makes you feel less youthful? My legs are a bit more freckled, wrinkled & lumpy, but I still feel quite youthful. I think a lot of youth (or age) is mental. It's your attitude. It's your confidence, self-awareness, sensitivity to others, self respect, and bunch of other things I can't think of right now.

Having friends of a variety of ages helps, too. I have some friends in their 50s & 60s who are healthy, active and beautiful. It's very inspiring.

[Canice]

I absolutely loved my 30s, and am loving my 40s so far, as well.

I think that's important. I wasn't terribly concerned about 40: I was in a solid relationship, having fun at work, and had things I was looking forward to. I am in a very different place now and do find age a (negative) factor.

If one is basically happy and satisfied at 39, why should it change at 40? And if one is not all that happy and satisfied at 39, all the platitudes in the world won't make 40 better. (*Not* saying that's Lily's case, just speaking to the broader issue of whether or not it's reasonable to have a birthday bring you down.) If I want 50 to be a good -or even OK- milestone (for those who consider certain birthdays milestones) I've got to work on it every day until then.

[foodfiend]

And I'll say the same thing about the 50s. It's jut so cliche to gripe about your chronological age, IMHO, it's just a number why dwell on it?:)

Yeah, I know. When I was younger, I'd heard adults gripe about turning 40, and I thought why complain? But now I'm in the same position. Blech.

[TKay]

I remember turning 40 and having some of those feelings. For me, it was related to being done having kids and feeling as if a certain part of my life was done. I think it's okay to mourn that loss. I say, give yourself time to be bummed out about it and then move on. Maybe you just need to process some of the feelings to get beyond them.

The 40s are a fantastic time in your life. You're old enough to "get it," but young enough to still enjoy it. Rock on, sister.

[Kay Henderson]

You have received some wonderful advice.

Comments from two posters especially resonated with me.

From SusanMac -- "I do get why people use each decade marker as a time to reflect & do a bit of self-assessment."

From TKay -- "I remember turning 40 and having some of those feelings. For me, it was related to being done having kids and feeling as if a certain part of my life was done. I think it's okay to mourn that loss. I say, give yourself time to be bummed out about it and then move on. Maybe you just need to process some of the feelings to get beyond them.

The 40s are a fantastic time in your life. You're old enough to "get it," but young enough to still enjoy it. Rock on, sister."

I think many people do so serious reflection approaching decade birthdays. All I can say is that for me and many women I have known, the forties were a very productive and happy decade.

Best wishes to you!

Kay

[Natasha]

What a timely thread! A while back I was thinking of starting a thread of what's GOOD about getting older. It was a conversation I wanted to start because I went through a stretch these past few weeks where everywhere I turned I heard / read about people seeming to suggest that everything just goes downhill when you get older. I kept thinking, "That can't possibly be the case - there have to be many good things about it!" I've enjoyed reading all the answers here.

Like others have said, I have many older friends who are very energetic, upbeat, and seem to be having a true blast. I also have noticed what others here have said: I find that, in my 30s, I care much less about what people think and am becoming increasingly comfortable just being who I am. I didn't have a lot of angst before but over time I find it's even easier to "be". The French have an excellent expression for it: etre bien dans sa peau (literally, "being well (or fine) in your skin"). See http://french.about.com/od/vocabulary/a/biendanssapeau.htm (though Lily, you probably know this expression already :))

Personally, one thing that has kept me feeling excited and pumped is trying new things (some of which were not easy for me). I have opened some new doors these past few years and every time I find a new passion it's hugely energizing.

Good luck and thanks again for starting this thread!

[Beth]

Fourty wasn't an issue for me -- it was 43. My mom was a grandmother at 43 and being a grandmother's age made me feel older. But I'm past that now. In more ways than one. :p

[Bawstinn]

I turn 40 next week as well. Turning 30 bothered me for some reason, but turning 40 isn't.

I think part of it is due to reconnecting with several high school friends on facebook. We are all turning 40 this year. Doesn't quite seem as big of a deal.

[foodfiend]

For some reason I didn't have a problem turning 30. Turning 29 was hard because it felt like I had so little time left before thirty, then 30 came, and it was just another day.

ETA: For everyone turning 40: Depeche Mode, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and S-s-s-sudio!
R.I.P. John Hughes

[jem927]

Thirty didn't bother me - I was too busy to be bothered with it... lol

I just fine myself doing too many "should've, would've, could've"s lately.. I know that I can't change the past - whats done is done, but still there is that nagging part of my brain kicking in...

Thank you all for the wonderful ideas and thoughts! Definitely food for thought for my next 40 years!

Keep them coming!

Jamie

[Andrea_2]

I'll be 40 in December.

I have spent some time worrying about it, but lately I have pretty much come to terms with it. I realized I'd rather focus my energy on enjoying life as opposed to worrying about something that worrying can't change in any way. That just seems pretty counterproductive. The past is the past, so it seems like it just makes sense to look forward. I don't have too many regrets about the past, but I'm going to try and look at this as a beginning too, and try to live the next ten years in such a way that I won't have any regrets as I close in on 50 either.

I will say that this year has flown by faster than any other though. ;)

[DeltaFlora]

I find it rediculous how time seems to just speed up as you get older? It's kind of Bizarre. I remember thinking the exact opposite when I was a child lol

[generic]

Lily, I don't know if this thread is helping you, but I'm so glad you started it. So much helpful commentary from people of all ages!

Sneezles used an important word--"chronological." I think that's key here. When I look around at all the people who are in my chronological age range, I realize how little that number matters. Some have completely given up on themselves and look terrible and have a bitter attitude, and others have maintained healthful habits and a bright outlook. Some are grandparents already, and some still live like teenagers. If you lined them all up, you'd never know they were the same age. So what's a number, anyway?

Nat, I first heard that expression from a Canadian nun about 25 years ago. She was in her forties at the time. I'm happy to say now that I'm in my forties, I'm truly in that space of being comfy in my skin. :)

[Jazzmatazz49]

Whatever you do, don't sit around being depressed about being 40. You will be 50 soon enough and wonder why you didn't enjoy your 40's. Forty is awesome in my opinion!

[sfarler]

Do you realize that on your 40th birth day that is actually the end of your 40th year? So you have really already been 40 for a year. (We celebrate a baby's first birthday after they have been alive for one year.)

I turned 60 last year and life is still good. DH and I are leaving in a few hours for a weekend get away and a 30 mile bike ride. I'm doing the same things I did at 40 and I think I look just as good:rolleyes:!

[Lucinda]

A few years ago I wrote a fan letter to an author whose first book I enjoyed tremendously. In her reply, she told me she had always wanted to write the book, but in her younger years she had figured no one would be interested in reading her book. But once she turned 40, she realized she no longer cared if no one was interested, she went ahead and wrote her book and it did extremely well and she was offered a book deal.

I am 45, still feel like a kid, am having the time of my life, am in the best shape I have ever been and look forward to what the coming years will bring. My friends who are in their 50s and beyond tell me that getting past 40 opened up their lives in so many ways, namely because, like the author, they realize they may as well go for what they really want.

Lily, I hope you take that thought and decide what it is in your life that you have always wanted to do but felt you couldn't do (for whatever reason) and GO FOR IT!!

[TerriAb]

40 didn't bother me, but turning 35 sure did (don't know why). I started running in my 40s and have completed numerous races (including 4 half marathons), albeit slowly. Maybe set a goal for yourself - something that you want to do in year 40? The sense of accomplishment will far outweigh any number. Like others have said, it's only a number. That said, throw a big 40th birthday party for yourself and let the people who love you show it.

[suebear37]

I'm with Terri... throw a party! DH & I are only 8 days apart in age & when we turned the big 4-0, we threw ourselves a big party. Friends came from all over the country to celebrate with us & we had a blast!

And now at the age of 53, I'm in better shape (with the exception of my arthritic knees) than I was at 40! I've always said, I'll always tell my age, just don't ask me how much I weigh! :p

[Kay Henderson]

I find it rediculous how time seems to just speed up as you get older? It's kind of Bizarre. I remember thinking the exact opposite when I was a child lol

Welcome, Delta Flora! I've decided the reason time seems to speed up is that a year is a smaller percentage of the time you have lived. For a five-year-old, a year is 20% of their lives; for me, MUCH less.

Kay

[foodfiend]

I found times goes by quickly if things have been stable and nothing much has changed. But when things are chaotic (not in a good way) times moves slowly. When my mother passed away, it felt like a year went by since the beginning of the illness even though it was only two months.
Maybe as you age, your routines get set, and you begin to go through the motions, like flipping through the pages of a book instead of having to stop and read each page.

[generic]

Maybe as you age, your routines get set, and you begin to go through the motions, like flipping through the pages of a book instead of having to stop and read each page.

Very good point. I think we do stop paying attention when things become routine. And then time does seem to fly by. Unfortunately we also tend to lose our sense of wonder as we age, thinking we've "been there, done that" without looking to see if we really *have* been exactly there and done exactly that. That's why it's good to challenge yourself. Learn a new language, take up new hobby, or move to a new city. And question everything you thought you knew about the world.

[jem927]

Well, the big day has come and gone, and I am still alive, which is a good thing! :-)

I ended up going to Epcot on my b-day, and had a good time. My brother made me wear the birthday pin that I received upon entering the park, so the "cast members" all wished me a Happy B-Day throughout the day. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

And then today I came back to work, and my friendly coworkers did it up right, if you can call it that.. Black balloons and streamers, 40 related confetti and decorations, and to top it off they all wore black to "mourn" the occasion... At this point, I can laugh about it, but I was dreading it this morning when I came in.

All in all, a good birthday weekend, and I am looking forward to the next 40 years!

Thanks for all the good words here - it really did help me "get through it" if you will.


Jamie

[LaraW]

I'm with Terri... throw a party! DH & I are only 8 days apart in age & when we turned the big 4-0, we threw ourselves a big party. Friends came from all over the country to celebrate with us & we had a blast!

And now at the age of 53, I'm in better shape (with the exception of my arthritic knees) than I was at 40! I've always said, I'll always tell my age, just don't ask me how much I weigh! :p

DH and a group of our friends are all turning 40 next year, and we are all going on a vacation together. We are turning it into something that will be fun and look forward to.

[Bawstinn]

Well, the big day has come and gone, and I am still alive, which is a good thing! :-)

I ended up going to Epcot on my b-day, and had a good time. My brother made me wear the birthday pin that I received upon entering the park, so the "cast members" all wished me a Happy B-Day throughout the day. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.



Sounds like you had a good time. Mine was the 25th but I spent it and most of the weekend taking care of the little one who was sick so I actually kind of forgot. Friend at work wished me a belated happy birthday yesterday and I thought "oh that's right, I'm 40 now" ;)