Choosing a guardian for your children?

[aggie94]

Ugh. Not an easy task, at least not for us.

Now that we are parents, I told DH that it was important for us to change our beneficiary designations on various accounts and update our wills, including establishing guardianship for Iris in case anything were to happen to both of us. So we've been having a lot of discussions lately about who that would be. And we're really struggling.

So I thought I would ask the other parents out there what was important to them in choosing a guardian. Was it important that it be a family member (someone related to your children by blood)? That they share similar parenting styles? That they even have children at all? That they share similar political/religious/ideological beliefs? Where they live or what they do for a living?

Just trying to get a sense of things I should think about before we start approaching family/friends on this topic.

[MinEaston]

In our case, we have chosen family members who we would feel comfortable with raising our kids, which does take a lot into consideration including parenting styles and beliefs. I would believe that was the reason we too were chosen by family members.

[leightx]

It was an easy decision for us - we are closest (both emotionally and distance-wise) to DH's sister. She lives in our neighborhood, her kids babysit mine, and we have similar beliefs and parenting styles. She also watched DD the first year while I worked, so I obviously have no worries about her parenting abilities! However, if not for her, we would have been in a quandary about who to ask.

[LaraW]

For us, it really did not take that much thought. I asked my sister if she would be DD's godmother, both for her baptism and her guardian in the event that something should happen to DH and me.

Mainly, I feel like my sister and BIL think like DH and me, share similar values and I felt like they would work to maintain a relationship with DH's family for our kids. DH and I are listed as guardians for her children as well.

When I was pregnant w/ DS, I had another conversation with her, that even though a different sister was going to be his godmother, I wanted the kids to be kept together and not separated. She said that she had thought of that too, and figured she would approach our other sister about her taking them both, in the event that something happened to us. The two sisters live close to each other and it would be easier from that standpoint to make decisions regarding DS.

[helios7]

I think this is a great question, and I'm interested in the responses too.

DH and I originally going to go with my parents, however they've "aged" a bit and we decided they wouldn't really welcome young children at this point in their lives. They're not old (60) but my mom has some back issues, and while she hasn't spent much time with DS since they're overseas, I just think it isn't what she'd want at this stage in life. So we agreed on DH's parents with some caveats. DH's parents are a good 5 + years younger, and I actually think his mom would have been heartbroken were the kids to go anywhere else. We were worried about the financial burden, as they don't have much money but realized our life insurance would cover the kids expenses, college etc easily. And we can trust them to use the money appropriately. My major concerns with his family (and DH was amazingly in agreement with me) were that they don't travel (ever), they've lived in the one town their whole lives and the school system is not the best. So the caveats include spending significant time with my parents (like a month) each summer, and that they would go to a private (probably boarding) high school, as I did. This way my parents would be able to travel with the children and expose them to some of the world and that they would do things with their summers (DH was left to his own devices - no summer camps or activities). And we can be sure they'll be academically challenged and prepared for college, as DH got into a great college but really wasted his opportunities there as he had no study skills and once he couldn't get by on his smarts crashed and burned.

Now one of those days we just have to write this down formally, but all parties seem on board.

[MusicMom]

The most important thing for us was choosing someone who shared our values and parenting styles. I also wanted someone who I could trust to love our children unconditionally. We happened to be most comfortable with family members, but I know in some situations that people can be closer to friends than blood relatives.

Interestingly, I had a conversation with my then 20 y/o DS last year before DH and I flew to Hawaii about how to handle care for DD if something happened to us. Since he's an adult, he would probably have primary responsibility for her. He was willing to accept that, but I had to convince him that he would not need to leave college.

[greta]

Oh Eva, this is a tough one!

We chose our guardians based on these factors:
1. Strong emotional connection to the boys
2. Willingness to take the boys to Kashmir on a regular basis, or at least facilitate their travel to Kashmir
3. Respect for our overall beliefs--religious/political/ideological--and knowing these beliefs would be nurtured
4. Equal respect for and commitment to both sides of the family
5. Willingness to take on three kids!

We ended up choosing one of my brothers. He happens to live overseas. So, if something happened to us in the short-term, my parents would probably take the boys as a transitional move (they are in their late 60s).

Such a yucky, but important thing to think about!
Good luck with your decision.
Greta

[JackieO]

Here's what we did:

Both DH and I are from small families -- he has one brother (a scum-bag leech with whom we no longer have contact) and I have one sister, who is 14 years older than I am. My mother was 68 and my dad 77 when our son was born -- they were obviously out. DH's mother was single, retired and had emphysema. Obviously not a candidate. My sister was an empty-nester, and I was pretty sure she wouldn't want to take on a young child. DS's godparents are my two nieces (who were 26 and 22 and single when he was born, and his half-sister, who was 17.)

Fortunately, we have very good, stable friends in my hometown who raised three wonderful children. Their youngest is about 5 years older than DS, so we asked them if we could name them guardians. Even though they are Catholic and we are Lutherans, we didn't see that as an issue. We share the same values and we saw how well they raised their kids, and figured they would do a better job with DS than we did! They were honored to be asked, and we made it a point to have DS spend some time with them each summer (the HS basketball coach ran a fantastic camp in my hometown each summer, and our friend was an assistant coach, so it worked out well.) DS is still very good friends with their youngest child (he got to be the "older brother") and we still try to make at least one trip a year back home to visit with them.

It's not an issue now, as DS will be 21 this summer.

Good luck. You seem to have some choices; I'm sure you'll work it out.

[bemm123]

This is something I have been worrying about lately. We still haven't come up with a good option for guardians for our children. My husband doesn't have any suitable relatives to ask, and I don't have great options either. I have one brother who is way too strict of a disciplinarian for my liking, but the other brother is quite immature, and problematic in other ways. I can't see asking any of our friends to raise them either. I just don't know what to do. :(

[Jessica]

Eva--We really struggled with this. We decided on DH's sister and her husband because they have children (we are the guardians for them) and a similar parenting style. They also have similar values. This was TOUGH for me. I wanted the boys to be with someone Jewish as we are raising them as Jews, but that was not a realistic option. My sibs are terrific people but not equipped to take on two young children, and because I had my kids later, my mom is willing but would be overwhelmed. I certainly hope I or DH can raise them to adulthood but I know they would be loved and cared for with SIL and in the end, that mattered the most.

Feel free to call or email me about this any time.

[Jessica]

This is something I have been worrying about lately. We still haven't come up with a good option for guardians for our children. My husband doesn't have any suitable relatives to ask, and I don't have great options either. I have one brother who is way too strict of a disciplinarian for my liking, but the other brother is quite immature, and problematic in other ways. I can't see asking any of our friends to raise them either. I just don't know what to do. :(

I do sympathize. But if you do not have legal documents, the court will decide for you. I am sorry you feel you don't have great options.

[stefania4]

We are the designated guardians for a good friend's child. We have an excellent relationship with the little girl, and due to serious family issues they wanted someone who would be fair to both sides of the family. I'm also her godmother and we have very regular contact and consider them family.

Should there be a tragedy we would work in tandem with another friend of theirs who would be in charge of the finances. I agree that it makes sense to split the authority, and to leave the finances in the hands of a professional (neither DH nor I have a finance background).

We are not designated guardians for my sister's children. There are four (!!!!!) of them, we rarely see them so they don't know us, and we live far away from all of their family members. For many reasons, we're not the right choice.

[mrswaz]

We are designated guardians for friends of ours with three boys. They had a really hard time with this one- no one in either of their families would have been willing to take on all three boys together- and that was what was most important to them. They wanted their kids to grow up together.

When they asked us if we would consider it- we didn't even have to think twice- it was such an honor to be asked.

For us and our kids, we have so much family who would be willing to take our kids, that we had a hard time making a decision without hurting anyone else's feelings. For us, what it ultimately came down to is that we wanted someone to care for our children who would have no problems keeping in contact with the other side of the family. Once we narrowed that down, it was no question who would take care of our children.

My youngest sister, who is married, but has no children of her own yet, will care for our children in the moment of need. Of all my family, she is the one who will have no problems at all staying in close contact with DH's family, and taking the kids to spend time with them.

[blazedog]

I wanted to point out that it is possible (and perhaps important) to appoint a guardian for the day to day care of children and a different person to be the trustee of the funds for their care.

[ecau]

I have a sister and a brother, while DH is an only child. For us, we chose my brother because he lives closest to my DH's mother. We did think about approaching friends of ours, but figured expecting them to keep in close touch with both sets of grandparents, along with their own parents was a lot to ask.

One issue to think about with leaving children in the care of grandparents or older guardians is that the children are more likely to experience extreme loss twice. We really thought hard about what position DD would be in having to go live in a new situation with the burden of having just lost her two parents.

Another thing to consider is that you are allowed to revaluate the situation as your child ages. We plan to do that every 5 years or so. When she hits 15, it might make sense to ask our close friends in town (assuming we are all still in town), since she will be close to finishing school and moving on anyway.

[Jessica]

Another thing to consider is that you are allowed to revaluate the situation as your child ages. We plan to do that every 5 years or so. When she hits 15, it might make sense to ask our close friends in town (assuming we are all still in town), since she will be close to finishing school and moving on anyway.

This is a really good point.

[LakeMartinGal]

I'll tell you what we did, and then I have a funny story!

DH has a younger brother that we've been very close to. When the girls were born, we exchanged guardianships with some close friends. They're wonderful parents, and would have done a great job, but their kids were older than ours.

When BIL got married, and we loved his wife, and they were expecting, we changed it over to them. They are great parents, as well, and we liked the idea of having them be with someone with their same last name. Fortunately, we never had to use it, but it was a nice solution at the time.

Now for the funny part! The friends with whom we exchanged guardianships never changed their minds -- we were to get their children if anything happened to them. Moving forward 15 years, first one child, then another got married. At the last child's wedding (he was 35), I stood up and said that, now that they were all married, they had other guardians. They no longer had to sell their homes and move in with us, if anything happened to their parents!:D It got a big laugh!

[clairea]

One thing I would recommend is to designate both the primary guardians, and "backup" guardians (in case the primary guardians are unable to take the children for any reason). As op's have pointed out, circumstances may change in between the time a will is drafted and a guardianship is needed, age or illness may affect someone's ability to care for a child or they may just no longer feel able to do it. Also, it is important to understand that a guardianship is still subject to court approval (at least in the states where I have practiced, of course I can't say with any certainty as to the law of the other 47 states but suspect it is similar). The fact that you have designated someone in your will as guardian will be given great deference, but at the end of the day the best interests of the children will be the deciding factor. If you have named a secondary guardian, then in any of these situations there is still someone you have chosen ready to take custody of your children.

In our case, my parents are the guardians of our children and my brother and SIL are the secondary guardians. We chose each of them based on our belief that they would provide a stable, loving home for our family, maintain contact with DH's family, and respect our family's religious beliefs (which are not the same as either my family's or DH's family's, as we are a multi-faith family).

We do not have separate financial custodians. To me, if I can trust you with my children I will trust you with the money. DH and I are, however, the financial custodians for the children of a couple of families who did want to separate things.

[linsleyd]

We did not want to use my parents (in their mid sixties), or his parents (too immature). My brother is a no go, we don't trust his parenting styles or his sisters, too young.

We are going with my best friend from childhood with the right to defer to our backups if she doesn't feel up to the task.
We share the same values and were raised the same way. Our backups are a couple currently trying to adopt who already love Amelia as their own.

Re: finances we might use my mother and her husband. We're actually meeting with her husband next week to finalize the details, he's a lawyer so this is a timely thread!