Can you recommend a book on toddlers?

[mightyh]

My son is about 18 months now and definitely has opinions of his own...which don't always coincide with mine :)

I'm realizing that it might be nice if DH and I had a common understanding of what lies in store for us during the toddler years and a common blueprint for discipline issues. To this point, I've felt he's too young for time-outs cause he lacks the attention span to stay in one and realize what it's for, but I also struggle with the fact that I don't really have a consisten plan for discipline. It's more like on the good days, he can get away with things with a laugh from me and on the rougher days, he's surprised when I yell "No!" so loudly.

So can anyone recommend a good book about toddlers and how best to handle their issues? I had What to Expect When You're Expecting and What to Expect the First Year (and What to eat when You're Eexpecting, but that's a different thread!), but, honestly, didn't really care for them. They weren't organized or indexed the way I like to read things, I had a hard time finding the topics about which I was searching, and I felt kind of hemmed in by them. Hence, I'm not really in the market for What to Expect the Toddler Years, unless you insist it's the best resource out there....

Can you help me?

[mb]

i'm not sure of any books in particular, but there's a website that i reference pretty often (www.babycenter.com) if they don't have answers to your specific questions, they probably at least have some references for you. sorry i can't be of more help. let us know what you find... my little one will be 18 months before i know it, i'm sure! :)

[mightyh]

Thanks, MB. I had the idea bout babycenter just before you posted on it, so I did check out their stuff and it's good, but I'd still like a more comprehensive resource on hand...

During my research, these titles popped up. Anyone have any experience with them?

Touchpoints by T. Berry Brazelton
How to Raise a Spirited Child
How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk

Thanks for any insight...

[Beth]

I think Brazelton makes good sense in general, although I'm not sure which book of his I read. You could probably find his books in a library. I have the spirited child book as well as a related one (gifted child --trust me, bright kids can be more challenging than merely bragging material). I would recommend them. I don't think I am familiar with the other book.

Good luck. Very determined children can be very bright and manipulative (not because they mean harm, just because they know what they want and will try to get it). Being bright and determined will serve them well down the road, so try to remember that as you work to channel those qualities in a positive way. Both authors above will tell you consistency is important, especially with bright and/or determined kids.

[Beth Y]

Hmmm. I don't know about books. I am a fan of good ole' Dr. Spock. I am also a fan of John Rosemond, although I don't have any of his books. Many don't like him as he is a bit of a traditionalist. That is, he believes in discipline and consistency and doesn't buy into any of the recent moves to protect to the utmost your child's self esteem, etc.

Frankly, however, my feeling about discipline has been fairly simple and I haven't (knock on wood) had to read many books and have, IMHO, a well-disciplined child. I feel that, as Beth says, consistency is the most important thing. Misbehavoir simply never(okay, rarely) is allowed without some form of discipline...from time out to loss of something they want, etc. When I see kids at school, playgroups, etc. with discipline problems, you almost always see either a total lack of discipline or mothers threatening discipline and always moving the line to cross, or not following through. Another pet peeve of mine is parents who threaten discipline that you know they can't follow through on. For example, you are a group at a restaurant, everyone has ordered and she says "Johnny, if you don't stop throwing food, we are going to go home right now". Now, you know she is not going to do it. It is better to say, "Johnny, you are going out of this restaurant to time out for five minutes...or you will not be allowed to do X tonight."

I am far from perfect, but I do try to be as consistent as possible. As a result, my 3 year old gets to go everywhere. She has been in all but the fanciest (and quietest) of restaurants with little problem. She has traveled to Europe twice, to Hawaii, and many other places. We repeatedly have people come up to us on planes and at restaurants and tell us what a well -behaved child we have. Of course, there was that restaurant in Barcelona where she (and hubby and I alternating) spent 2/3 of the meal sitting in time out in a funky wine cellar sitting on a huge cask of wine. Which brings me to another hint. Do not expect more than kids can give. It is not fair to be disciplining for misbehavoir that comes from overtiredness, hunger, etc. Although you still should, to be consistent, you should remove them from the situation asap. As you know, there are just some situations that your kid is just being asked to do too much in one day, is out of his element too long, has missed his nap, whatever. In those cases, don't expect too much and try not to put them into situations where there misbehavior will be a problem, if that makes sense.

I don't remember when we started time out, but maybe around 2? The first attempts were tough, as she got this freaky maniacal laugh, like of course I didn't mean it, and kept getting up. I kept putting her back in (working hard not to laugh myself) until she got the point (and cried, of course, but, hey, she got the point that timeout wasn't a place where she wanted to be.). I read where you are not supposed to look at them or talk to them while they are in timeout, which is hard at first. I would chatter away, but I have gotten better. Then when she was done, she would get a hug and a "you need to be better next time" short talk. She is 3 now and the time outs are rare, despite the frequency at first. Of course, as they get older you can also use other forms of discipline. "If you keep waving that stick around, we are leaving the playground" and then do, if they do it again.

Well, I am babbling, but I hope you get my point(sermon). The other day, we were having lunch in a coffee shop and my DD turned to me and said "I am the happiest kid in the world, Mommy", so it is not like my child is suffering from torture or lack of self-esteem from all this discipline.
Good luck.

[chef amy]

Well, I don't know what advice I can share-I have a 21 month old and we are having our share of struggles. One book I read that I liked was the Girlfriend's Guide to Toddlers. It was a good reminder that all parents of toddlers go through similiar issues, and did offer some easy, concrete advice. Plus, it was funny-a good laugh can be really helpful. At this age, I think the best discipline is distraction. They don't , at least most of the time;) mean to misbehave, they are simply doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing: exploring, testing limits, etc. That is their job, and it's our job (lucky us) to remain calm and patient, and hopefully find the humor in it. And remember-this too shall pass. (probably right around the time they want to borrow the car!!!)

[Nirak]

I know what you mean about wanting to read up on these things, especially if you and your husband aren't sure. It is so important to be on the same page and to be consistent from one parent to another. I was going to recommend Touchpoints. I really like how it goes age by age. You will get a lot out of it over the long haul. The spirited child one is good too, especially to help you understand things from your child's point of view. I learned a lot about transition issues from that book. I also highly recommed "parenting young children...helpful strategies based on Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP) for parents and children under 6" I lived by this book. It came on a recommendation from my pediatrician and it changed my whole outlook. BTW, I had a hard time getting my husband to really read anything, so I did all the reading and then tried out the new approaches and he kind of picked up on the lingo after hearing me.

One little insight ... I always was a"follow-through" mom so when I said "if you don't stop we're out of here" we always were. After reading that book I realized that dd was using bad behavior to get out of situations that made her nervous (new play dates, dance class) so I was giving her what she wanted (to go home) with out realizing. This book suggests removing them for a cool-down period and then re-entering. Much more effective.

Anyway, a lot of it is in the parenting and a lot of it is in the child you have. DD #1 needed every book I could find. DD #2 has never been any trouble. Good luck.