Parenting Dilemma: What would you do?

[Robyncz]

My 9-year-old daughter has been invited to a birthday party. The guest of honor is her best friend from preschool, and DD still refers to her as her best friend, even though they go to different school and only see each other once every couple of months.

So, here's the deal. It's a swim party at the next door neighbor's backyard pool. This is not a big deal. DD is a strong swimmer, and has swum in this pool with this family countless times. HOWEVER, I can see from the e-vite that they've invited close to 30 children. That many kids in a backyard pool with no lifeguards and two distracted parents watching them makes me very, very uncomfortable.

I'm not usually a hovery parent--but I don't know what to do. My husband's reasonable response was that one of us should volunteer to stay and help supervise, but I don't want to be responsible for 20 kids in a pool, either. I'm not a trained lifeguard!

So, what would you do in this situation? My impulse, right now, is to wait until later in the week and see how many people actually RSVP. If we're talking 10 or so, I'll RSVP in the affirmative and volunteer to stay and help keep and eye on the pool. But if 15 or 20 are going, I'm not sure what I'll do.

What would the rest of you do in this situation? Would you let your kid go? Would you stay and supervise? Would you say something about your concerns to the parents?

Please help me sort out my conflicts about this. I'd really appreciate it!

[Canice]

I would tell the parents exactly what you said here about your concern and maybe even offer to help look for a lifeguard - how much can it possibly cost? The stakes are way too high.

BTW, did you hear the segment on grief on Morning Edition today? Started with the woman whose daughter drowned when she was left in the care of her distracted grandmother? One child, one distracted adult.

[TieKitty]

I would tell the parents exactly what you said here about your concern and maybe even offer to help look for a lifeguard - how much can it possibly cost? The stakes are way too high.


This is exactly what I was thinking. It's better to air your concerns in the name of caution. I certainly wouldn't be offended if I were the parents hosting the party.

[oceanjasper]

I was attending a birthday party with only a handful of kids in a hot tub and literally had to jump in fully clothed to lift a toddler from the bottom of the tub. She couldn't swim, stepped off the edge of the seat, and sunk like a rock. The mother of this little girl was nowhere near the hot tub. It sickens me to think of what might have happened had my head been turned for that split second she went under. Needless to say, I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to be responsible for that many kids in a pool. Still my advice would be to do whatever you need to do to make sure that your daughter is safe. If that means you need to go and watch her like a hawk then that is what I would do. I think that stress is worth more than lifelong regret.

[PurplePotato]

Your concerns are why I will never host a pool birthday party even though DS was born in July. No way do I want that responsibility.

I would allow your daughter to go but only if you stay to watch her.

If you are concerned about that many children unsupervised (as I would be) but don't want to offend the mom you could ask about a lifeguard in a "oh my gosh, can you tell me where you found a lifeguard? My friend needs to hire one but can't find anyone..." Just assuming she has a lifeguard coming because of course one does that with that many children in a pool. It could make her rethink the safety situation.

[cchhbb]

I would let my child attend the party, but would stay and keep an eye on my child.

A good friend of mine at a near tragedy at her children's birthday party a couple of years ago. She has twins and always had a party at her parent's private pool. There are typically at least 25 - 30 kids there. It is crazy. I feel like I'm the only one watching the kids because many parents say well, my kid can swim so I don't have to watch them.

After most guests had left a little boy nearly drowned due to distraction of his parents and the host. The little boy could swim. They were lucky that the grandfather noticed the little boy floating face down and fished him out and started CPR. The rescue squad had to come and take him to the hospital where he stayed for 2 days. He's fine now, but my friend will not have another pool party for her children unless she hires a lifeguard.

Cheryl

[clairea]

I would not be comfortable with that many children and only 2 parents watching, especially since that parents are likely to be distracted with other hosting activities. However, are you sure the parents haven't made arrangements for additional supervision? I think ChristyMarie's approach is a good one, as it lets you get the answer to this question before making your decision.

If there aren't any other adults supervising, then I would let your daughter attend but stay to watch her. If for some reason you can't do that then I would not let her go. It may be hard for her but at 9 she is old enough to understand that there are certain situations you don't approve of, and perhaps you can offer a special visit or outing with that friend in lieu of the party.

[Robyncz]

I'm soooo glad I posted. I felt strongly but wondered if I were overreacting. I would have gone with my gut either way, but your support takes away all the self-doubt that would have gone along with it (if that makes any sense).

THANK YOU!

[syzygy]

I wonder if either the parents of the birthday child or their neighbor who is allowing the use of their pool has given a thought to having a life guard for that many children. My feeling (and not being a lawyer, it's just a feeling) is that the pool owner would be liable if anything happened. It's one thing to have a few kids over, but 20 or so? You're asking for trouble without paid supervision, no matter how good swimmers these kids are.

[Canice]

...I think ChristyMarie's approach is a good one, as it lets you get the answer to this question before making your decision.

Of course, you can always ask - it's certainly a reasonable question. "The party sounds like a lot of fun, but that's a lot of kids in the pool at once. Have you hired a lifeguard?"

[cakebaker]

Twenty to thirty kids in a pool with host Mom & Dad serving food, playing games, etc. AND....supervising the pool sounds like a daunting task to me which would leave a group of little swimmers undersupervised.
I agree with contacting hosts to see if other parents will be supervising or if you could volunteer your services.
This is exactly the type of situation that calls for a professional lifeguard. My daughter does private pool parties as a certified lifeguard. Just yesterday she did a party for 30 8-9 yr. olds and there were TWO lifeguards on duty. She works for a company called Happy Swimmers, but I don't know if they have affiliates in TX. We live in CA & I know they have affiliates in HI. She gets about $20/hr plus what it costs to book with the company. You might suggest the hosts look into something like this.

[PurplePotato]

Of course, you can always ask - it's certainly a reasonable question. "The party sounds like a lot of fun, but that's a lot of kids in the pool at once. Have you hired a lifeguard?"

See, maybe I'm overprotective but I'd want to know where the lifeguard is from so that they are truly qualified and not just a neighbor's teenager who knows how to swim.

And I'd probably still insist on going. :o

[Canice]

Gotcha. I only meant that if the question is "will there be a lifeguard?" there's no reason not to ask directly. A random neighbor is definitely not the same as a certified life guard.

[PurplePotato]

I agree that there's nothing wrong with asking - but some people are just, well, special. You never know how someone will take something that innocent anymore.

I'm finding that once they are in school you get to deal with all kinds of special people. :cool:

[Kristilyn1]

I agree with what others have said about asking about the lifeguard. You should ask, there is nothing wrong with asking--but be prepared, the family may be insulted if they think they don't need one.

Personally, I would just say "sounds like you guys are going to have your hands full with that many kids--do you mind if I stick around to at least keep an eye on mine?" See what they say. Maybe they'll say they've hired lifeguards. Maybe they'll say most parents are staying to watch their own kids.

http://gcaptain.com/maritime/blog/drowning/?10981

above is a GREAT article about how drowning doesn't look like drowning. If it hasn't made the rounds of your facebook pages----please, please post it. This article is almost exactly what happened when I almost drowned in a pool as a child with about 5 parents standing RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

Kristi

[KimKelly]

Of course, you can always ask - it's certainly a reasonable question. "The party sounds like a lot of fun, but that's a lot of kids in the pool at once. Have you hired a lifeguard?"

That is what I would do! If you don't advocate for your child, no one else will! She may actually have already hired someone, but just didn't mention it.

We have had numerous pool parties and I have had not just one, but two lifeguards. I knew that I would be distracted with parents, food, whatever, so someone needed to watch the pool. This has worked well for us, and thank goodness we have never had an issue.

Let us know what happens!

[KimKelly]

I agree with what others have said about asking about the lifeguard. You should ask, there is nothing wrong with asking--but be prepared, the family may be insulted if they think they don't need one.

Personally, I would just say "sounds like you guys are going to have your hands full with that many kids--do you mind if I stick around to at least keep an eye on mine?" See what they say. Maybe they'll say they've hired lifeguards. Maybe they'll say most parents are staying to watch their own kids.

http://gcaptain.com/maritime/blog/drowning/?10981

above is a GREAT article about how drowning doesn't look like drowning. If it hasn't made the rounds of your facebook pages----please, please post it. This article is almost exactly what happened when I almost drowned in a pool as a child with about 5 parents standing RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

Kristi

On a sidenote... Kristi, I always enjoy seeing your picture at the bottom of your post. My son is Drew, and he is 14 also!

[Kristilyn1]

On a sidenote... Kristi, I always enjoy seeing your picture at the bottom of your post. My son is Drew, and he is 14 also!

I should post an update, he let his dad shave his head in June, so his luxuriously thick hair is no more!

Kristi

[Jessica]

Just want to second the article Kristilyn posted. I don't think you are overreacting. It only takes a minute or so to drown.

[DanaSD]

I would ask if there is a lifeguard. A friend of mine hosted a swim party and hired a lifeguard. But she didn't put it on the invitation because she also wanted the parents to watch their kids since she felt it was important for both a lifeguard and parents to watch the kids - this was a swim party for 5 year olds.

Pool parties scare me. We have a pool and I won't invite more than 2 families over at a time. Too many drownings every year of kids (and adults) of all ages.

[blazedog]

I can't imagine what the liability issues would be if one hosted a party without having adequate safety precautions such as lifeguards -- and an adequate number.

I am not clear who is hosting the party - are you friendly with your next door neighbors because it is their necks that would be on the line if something happened and they might not be thinking about it.

As I recall, there was a drowning death at a birthday party hosted by an actor or singer last summer in Malibu under these kinds of circumstances. Birthday party -- a few moments of inattention - and tragedy.

[leightx]

I hire lifeguards all the time for our Girl Scout events, where a lifeguard is absolutely required anytime the girls are in the water. We do use neighborhood kids, they are all trained lifeguards at our city pools, and work as lifeguards during the summer. I think we usually pay $12-15 an hour - totally reasonable, and well worth it. If you don't know anyone personally, I'm sure your neighborhood or city pool could give you a referral.

[Robyncz]

The family hosting the party is hosting it at *their* neighbor's pool.

I talked to the mom today and said that my daughter would love to come, and that one of us would stay to keep an eye on her in the pool since I knew it would be impossible for the hosts to keep track of so many kids while they were also hosting the party.

She immediately apologized for not making it clear on the invitation that the whole family was invited, and that she assumed parents would stay and be responsible for their own children.

So. . . .no lifeguards, but parents. Still don't *love* the idea, but as long as I'm there to take responsibility for my kid, I can live with it.

Thanks, all, for your insight and support.

[cchhbb]

The family hosting the party is hosting it at *their* neighbor's pool.

I talked to the mom today and said that my daughter would love to come, and that one of us would stay to keep an eye on her in the pool since I knew it would be impossible for the hosts to keep track of so many kids while they were also hosting the party.

She immediately apologized for not making it clear on the invitation that the whole family was invited, and that she assumed parents would stay and be responsible for their own children.

So. . . .no lifeguards, but parents. Still don't *love* the idea, but as long as I'm there to take responsibility for my kid, I can live with it.

Thanks, all, for your insight and support.

I wonder how many people are unclear that the whole family is invited and that parents are expected to watch their children. At your daughter's age, I would expect most parties to be drop-offs unless otherwise specified.

Have a great time.

[1grl1by]

I hire lifeguards all the time for our Girl Scout events, where a lifeguard is absolutely required anytime the girls are in the water. We do use neighborhood kids, they are all trained lifeguards at our city pools, and work as lifeguards during the summer. I think we usually pay $12-15 an hour - totally reasonable, and well worth it. If you don't know anyone personally, I'm sure your neighborhood or city pool could give you a referral.

Are these lifeguards insured when you hire them privately? I know that it would be more expensive to hire through a company but generally the companies carry personal liability for the guards.

I will not allow my teen to work as a privately hired guard at parties unless she has some way of providing insurance for herself. I would not want a life long financial burden on her in the case of an unspeakable tradegy that might end up in a law suit.

[PurplePotato]

Glad you got some clarification on the situation. Maybe she'll mention the fact that she expected parents to stay when they rsvp.

[Jessica]

The family hosting the party is hosting it at *their* neighbor's pool.



Liability, anyone?

[SDMomChef]

Are these lifeguards insured when you hire them privately? I know that it would be more expensive to hire through a company but generally the companies carry personal liability for the guards.

I will not allow my teen to work as a privately hired guard at parties unless she has some way of providing insurance for herself. I would not want a life long financial burden on her in the case of an unspeakable tradegy that might end up in a law suit.

That's a great point on the insurance!

[KimKelly]

Liability, anyone?

Excellent point!!!!!!

[Canice]

Liability, anyone?

Yea, that was my first thought, too. And assuming that the parents won't get distracted (visiting with each other, other children, whatever) doesn't sound like a safe bet either. Not a chance I'd take as a homeowner, but she's probably not looking for my opinion ;) . Glad you're going, Robyn!

[leightx]

Are these lifeguards insured when you hire them privately? I know that it would be more expensive to hire through a company but generally the companies carry personal liability for the guards.

I will not allow my teen to work as a privately hired guard at parties unless she has some way of providing insurance for herself. I would not want a life long financial burden on her in the case of an unspeakable tradegy that might end up in a law suit.

Girl Scout insurance covers the girls and adults at 100% at official functions (with signed permission slips and lifeguards on duty). In addition, the lifeguards that I've hired have usually been GS as well.

[TKay]

We just faced a similar situation. My boys were invited to a swim birthday party. We were pressed for time and not sure the kids could attend. The host said we could simply drop off the boys. No. Couldn't do it--even for my 10 y.o. who is most definitely pool safe.

We have been at pool parties in the past when kids have gone under. Once, our good friend's son simply got in too deep and couldn't get back to the edge. Our friend was watching him and jumped in for the rescue. Another time, our own son slipped off his noodle and quietly went under. Dh waded him and pulled him out. Each incident was quiet and went completely unnoticed by the myriad of parents standing around.

I would never let my child go to a swim party without me there watching like a hawk.

Blaze, I'm not sure if this is what you're referring to, but I believe Tommy Lee had a swim party for his child some years back. A guest (child) drowned. This (http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,625835,00.html) is People's brief report on the court case.

[Robyncz]

Well, the party was tonight and thank GOODNESS my husband was there. A couple of girls were sitting in the hot tub talking and my daughter came to get into the hot tub. One of the girls told her "This is a secret club and YOU'RE not invited" and shoved her OUT of the hottub into the pool. My daughter hit the back of her head, the front of her head, and her cheek in the fall. Luckily, she came up crying (as opposed to sinking unconscious to the bottom of the pool) about the same time my husband got to her. Not one other parent saw this happen. In fact, the parents of the girl who pushed my daughter never even got up to come see what the hubbub was about.

My kid came home looking like she'd been in a bar fight and poor DH badly needs a drink.

[Shugness]

:eek: Wow. Just wow. :(

[___Rhianna___]

Grrrrr! :mad: I hate mean girls! That could start me on a whole other thread, though. Did your husband say anything to them? Hope your DD is okay and doesn't have to cross paths with those two on a regular basis.

[Jessica]

Oh Robyn, that is just awful. I know her bruises will heal but those nasty remarks will sting. I am sad the other parents didn't even bother to check on your daughter; thank goodness your DH was there.

[RiverFarm]

I really hope your DH said something to the parents. There has to be some kind of consequence to that behavior; it could have been a tragedy.

Thanks heavens he was there!

[PurplePotato]

Oh my gosh! :eek: That is not the update I expected. :(

Did I read it wrong and these girls are only 10? 10?!??!?!?!?

I really hope they were called out for their actions. My gosh, that could have had a very tragic ending.

[Robyn1007]

Oh, Robyn! :eek: I'm so glad DD is okay. I'm horrified that children would act that way and even more horrified that parents weren't watching close enough for more than 1 to notice the problem nor react when DH did.

I hope both DD and DH are feeling better this morning.

[KristiB]

I'm so sorry that happened to DD. Shame on the parents who didn't do anything.

[Robyncz]

Thanks. Mia's okay. My husband got right up in the little girl's face and told her her actions were not okay, but he says he didn't seek out the parents when they didn't come to deal with it on their own. In his words, "a kid as obnoxious as she was didn't get that way by having parents who are paying attention and making sure she understands the consequences of her actions."

Interestingly, another father at the party approached DH and told him how glad he was that DH had called the girl out. Apparently she's a bit of a troublemaker.

Either way, Mia is okay. She and her dad had a good talk in the car on the way home. Mia (who is 9) wanted to know why a girl who didn't even know her would do that to her. DH told her that unfortunately, some people are just @$$holes and there's not much you can do to change them. You just stay as far away as you can once you've figured it out. Mia was stunned and flabbergasted. I don't think she'd ever heard her father cuss before--and certainly not in a conversation with her. It certainly distracted her from her sadness!!

[RiverFarm]

Well, I'm glad something was done, but I'm still sorry that the parents weren't confronted. Maybe having someone say something to them about their daughter's atrocious behavior in front of their peers would have been embarrassing enough to make them talk to their brat.

Neat that your DH was able to distract Mia and also explain an important fact of life to her!

[sneezles]

Robyn, I'm so sorry Mia was hurt.

[Robyncz]

Thanks, guys. She'll be okay. Thank goodness.

[SDMomChef]

I'm so glad your DD is O.K.! I also have to agree with how your DH handled the situation. I'm glad he said something to the girl and I agree with his statement that anything he said to the parents wouldn't have caused them to actually start being attentive parents.

[SueK]

Robyn- that's just appalling that that happened at the party. Good grief, I'm trying to imagine myself trying not to throttle the kid and the parents after that! I'm glad your daughter is doing okay. It really stinks when kids act that way, and even more, that the parents apparently don't care. :(