Things Kids Say

[SueK]

I have a question regarding hurtful comments children sometimes make. We have always made it clear to our daughter that you should think before you say things you might regret, or which would hurt people's feelings. Sometimes, however, she still does say things (i.e. when she is mad at us for not letting her do anything she wants!) I know that kids sometimes say things like "I don't love you!", etc., despite not really meaning it.

My question is, how do you deal with this? The reason I ask is because my MIL lets my daughter get away with murder when she visits them (despite my efforts for her to do otherwise) and my mother keeps her in line. So of course, my daughter thinks my MIL is great, and will tell my mom this, when my mom disciplines her.

I realize I have to once again have a talk with my husband about MIL, but in addition to this, would appreciate any tips you can give me on dealing with my daughter!

[Nirak]

We call these "hurtful words" and we speak of them the same way as anything else (like hitting or pinching or even scowling). When my oldest was 3 and 4 her little circle of pre-school girlfriends were actually quite catty so we had to have the hurtful word talk a lot. Things like "So, I'm not inviting you to my birthday party" was a big insult. Anyway, I would treat this the way you treat anything else (time out worked for us.) I also have told my gilrs "I don't like your behavior, but I love you. Your words are hurting me right now and I feel sad." As long as they know that you love them it is ok to criticize the behavior and I think they "get it" even when they are two or three. Good luck. The whole MIL thing is a big can of worms but you need to address it with your DH. You two need to be a unified front.

[SueK]

Well, I've taken away privileges before too. She was supposed to spend the afternoon with her cousins (my side of the family) tomorrow, but won't get to see them at all now. She's not happy about it, but I told her maybe next time she'll think twice before she says something hurtful.

My husband is going to talk with his mom as well. I believe if a child is going to learn good behavior, they have to hear the same message from all directions, and she sure isn't being taught anything by his side of the family....except how to act spoiled and get your own way.

[DmOrtega]

Originally posted by SueK
... I believe if a child is going to learn good behavior, they have to hear the same message from all directions, and she sure isn't being taught anything by his side of the family....except how to act spoiled and get your own way.

Unfortunatley, not everyone will be concerned about what children learn from their behavior. The world is full of people that think only of themselves. I think we need to teach our children that as people, we have been given the right to free speech. That however doesn't make what we say or do right. We are bound by our moral behavior to be kind, considerate, polite, etc, only when we have been taught moral values. That is a job that belongs to the parents and it is something that we must continually enforce with our children. It's a never-ending job of parenting. Keep up the good work!

[Nirak]

My friend calls it speaking with a filter and I think it's a great analogy. Free speech ... yes ... but sensitive speech too.

[Lynn B]

We have always tried to teach our children the necessity (and the value) of speaking kindly. We often reminded them (especially when they were small) that "words hurt, too." It hasn't always been easy, but we have worked very hard to set a good example by carefully watching our own speech and actions. We believe that is one of the most important things that we, as parents, can (and must) do.

We LOVE the books, "Raising Good Children" by Dr. Thomas Lickona and "When Your Child Drives You Crazy" by Eda LeShan. These books are chock-full of insight and wisdom, with excellent hints/ideas/techniques that we (parents) can use to benefit ourselves AND these dear children that we are raising!

Lynn

[SueK]

Thanks all, for the advice and words of encouragement! LynnB--thanks for the names of those books. I am definitely going to check them out.