How do you handle the holidays?

[HDgirl]

That Tday rant thread got me thinking how do you make the decision to go to which family? Obviously, the ones that live close by.

I end up having at least one holiday a year with just SO's family. We use to have everyone together because it's just as easy for me to cook for a big crowd. However, (sigh) some people are just lacking in social skills and then I have one family hidding in one room and the other in another room! Enough of that.

It's easier now because my kids are older and one is driving so it's not hectic as when they were younger and we HAD to be somewhere. But I have to say we do spent more time with my side.

So..how do you decide and is it as complicated and political as mine gets?

[lhall]

My in-laws make me MAD! But, maybe they are getting better. Here come a rant!

Mostly it's because I don't feel like they place the same importance on my side of the family, or on DH, I, and Our kids as they do on them selves.

Our biggest problem is both sides of the family live in the same town.

After going to my Dad's and his parent's on one Christmas with just the two of us once that was enough. NEVER AGAIN! That was the worst Christmas I've ever had.

In order to allow ALL the grandparents to see the kids on Christmas, which they should, DH and I (together) decided that we would go to one place per holiday and the other side of the family could come to our house. The way it works is whomever we visit on Thanksgiving has to come to our house on Christmas. Sounds like a nice/fair option to me.

This plan has extended to all holidays, much to the dismay of the In-laws. I am standing firm because I firmly believe that holidays should be enjoyable time spent with family, not hectic time driving all over town.

This year we are going to my family's tomorrow and the in-laws on christmas. The In-laws have decided they are not going to come to our house tomorrow, but DH suggested that maybe we could meet to go shopping.

To top off this holiday season after I had mentioned that we would do my family t-day and his on christmas this year... We found out my dad would be gone. Well, SIL's ( my brother's' wife) family lives in OK and we are the only other family in town. In-laws have tons of family in the same litle town they live in. DH thought I would 'give more weight to grandparents', nice to mention this AFTER I'd told his parents they could come to our house. They are bad about waiting til the last minute too.

Oh well, I'm still not changing my plans.

We actually spend about the same amount of time with both sides of the family, but I much prefer mine. Mostly because I get tired of getting together and not doing things together. Never fails BIL will turn on the TV and not socialize with anyone, MIL in the kitchen and everyone else doing their own thing.

Have a nice holiday, an I'll stop ranting now!

Leigh

[JoanneOR]

When you throw grandchildren into the mix, it makes things much more difficult! We alternate Thanksgivings, one year we go to my parents, and the next to DH's. They live about 40 minutes apart, but the one we aren't going to always ask, but you will stop by, right? We always do, but by that point the kids (2,4, and 5) are getting cranky and ready to go home! But I feel guilty if we don't.

As for Christmas, it actually works out pretty well. DH's family always celebrates Christmas Eve more than Christmas day, so we spend Christmas Eve with his family. Christmas day I have my family over. I like for the kids to be able to stay home and play with their new toys. I remember when I was a kid I hated having to go out on Christmas day.

[aggie94]

Because we live so far from both our families, we usually spend the holidays alone or with friends. Sometimes we go back to Texas for the holidays, but if we do, we almost always go to see DH's family. My family has never been big on holidays - my parents usually only "did" Thanksgiving and Christmas for us kids. Now that we're grown and have our own families, it's not a big deal. Plus, my brother and his family live near my parents, so they'll spend the holidays together and no one is offended if I'm absent.

If for some reason I really want to spend the holidays with my family, I will. DH will sometimes spend the holidays with his family and I'll spend them with mine. That's usually how it goes for visits back to Texas, even non-holiday ones. I go back to see my family, he goes back to see his, and we try to see each other's when we can, but not that often. It works for us.

[MrsReber]

Glad I'm not alone! We alternate holidays, but for some reason, it seems that we ALWAYS see DH's family one way or another. Last year, we had T day with my mom. This year, DH's family is having it at my SIL's house, which is fine. I called up to see what I could bring and they're all like "you have dinner with your family every year". So I really dont' know why we bother spending time with his family because they never remember that we were there.

Christmas, we alternate seeing my family, but again always stop by to see his family. Last year, we had Christmas Eve with my family and then Christmas Day, DH's sister wanted us to come over for brunch and then we were expected to go to DH's brother's house for dinner! Enough. I put my foot down and said we are entitled to enjoy the day, too. No more running around. I told DH this year we are staying home. They all know where we live and can stop by if they want to see us and our baby. I will be more than happy to have food for whoever wants to visit. I am doing my best to stand by that, but I know that somehow, we will be expected to go somewhere.

[JanetJ]

Having parents that have been divorced since I was 8 has made me very familiar with driving all over the state on major holidays. Since 3rd grade I have spent Tday with Dad and Christmas with Mom. When Mom and Dad still lived in the same town I would see Dad on Christmas Eve (when they do most of the celebrating) and be with Mom Christmas Day. Now that they live at opposite ends of the state that is not an option. It has worked out well over time since my Mom goes all out for Christmas and my Dad doesn't get too into it. BF and I will be heading to my Dad's tomorrow morning in time for kickoff. My BF is Muslim, so it will never be an issue whose family to spend Christmas with. Their holy days are in July and early December. He loves being able to spend the holidays with me and my family since he's a big fan of huge meals, football and afternoon naps. :)

[donleyk]

I was appauled that my SIL and her 3 kids had to stop their Xmas at whatever time it was to pack up and go to her mother's. (4 siblings and she is the only one with children...) So the second year of me being a relative I, in no uncertain terms, suggested we have Xmas at SIL. So thankfully, since then, we have been there. She has this huge ol' house, too. It was crazy.

I commend all of you that put your foot down. Stick to it. It is crazy for the grandparents, et al. not to be the one's that travel. Besides, how are you supposed to have any traditions spending the whole time traveling. :rolleyes:

Because of the kids, we always do Xmas with the inlaws, my folks for Tday. They live in different states now. We used to have to do both. That was just plain sick!

Everyone have a great holiday!

[LaraW]

I'm glad that I am not the only one who is averse to traveling on the holidays. I just like to be at my home.

We are traveling in-town to family for T-giving, but will not travel to see parents until after Christmas. That's a compromise, but it will work for this year.

Once we have kids, there will not be any traveling for the holidays.

[Peggy C.]

And we don't even have kids, unless you count my 47yo brother who has no concept of the "OTHER" side of the family.

[Jewel]

When I lived in CA with my ex-husband it was trickier, because both of our families lived in the same town as we did. :rolleyes: It was Thanksgiving with one, Christmas with the other, alternating by year. We also spent Christmas EVE with the family that wasn't going to see us on Christmas morning. That way we got to open gifts together and share the cup 'o cheer, but we weren't there for dinner. Thankfully (I mean thankfully ) there were no children forged from that union, so we didn't have to deal with the 'grandparent' issue.

Currently, we live in Washington, Dave's family is in Pittsburgh, and my family is in central California. We usually spend one of the holidays with one of the families. Last year we spent Thanksgiving with my family, but Christmas we were alone at home. This year, we're going to spend Thanksgiving alone, and we're driving to my parent's home in CA for Christmas. Can't get to Pittsburgh for either holiday this year, I had no extra vacation time since I just started a new job! We try to have his family come out to see us for holidays also, but that's trickier. We STILL thankfully (I mean thankfully :p ) have no children, so it's not like we're depriving the grandparents.

It's actually my goal to have Christmas at our home next year and have my parents as well as Dave's mother and two brothers at our home! They haven't seen each other since the wedding in 1999, and they really like each other! It'll be noisy, busy, and hard to find a place for everyone to sleep, but it'll be wonderful if we can pull it off... ;)

[tracey67]

Well, I kind of feel like I shouldn't even post here since I don't have a dilemna, but it's Thanksgiving (which is a time to share what you're thankful for) so I'll post away and tell you how we divvy the holidays and what I'm thankful for.

Basically, we DON'T divvy the holidays. For then 10 years that DH and I have been together, my family has always been in Florida (we're in Mass.). For MUCH of that time I worked in retail -- this meant that getting ANY time off (even your NORMAL days off) during the holidays was completely impossible. Because of this, it was never even an option that we could visit my parents during this time of year -- we always just went to the in-laws (who only live 20 minutes away). I no longer work in retail (so getting holiday time off is easy), but my parents are (sadly), no longer alive either. So we still go to the in-laws every year. Even though I miss my parents, I'm thankful that we don't have to deal with the dilemna of dividing up the holidays.

But here's what I'm really thankful for: the fact that I have, quite simply, the two most wonderful in-laws that anyone could have. From the very first time I met them, they welcomed me into their family with wide open arms. They treat me like the daughter they never had, and I certainly think of them as surrogate parents. I can be completely open and honest with them, and I can even disagree with them - and the love and warmth are always there. I spend time with them, even when DH isn't around. His mother calls me routinely, just to chat or ask if I want to have lunch with her. Whenever DH is out of town, they always make sure to invite me for dinner so I won't be alone. I truly enjoy their company.

TG is spent with his parents, grandmother and one of his aunts. Xmas morning is spent with just his parents, and the evening is spent with his grandmother, three aunt's (and sometimes an uncle), and nine cousins. I've never met a more warm and welcoming family than his. Because of how they treat me, I KNOW that I am truly one of the family, and I cherish this with all my heart. And for this, I am grateful and thankful.

tracey

[Kristine]

We have a plan that works pretty well....on Thanksgiving Day, we go to one side of the family, and then either the following weekend or the previous weekend, we celebrate with the other side. For Christmas, we go to one side of the family on Christmas Eve and the other on Christmas Day. Always the same plan, never any fights. :)

[Jodi]

I am soooo lucky when it comes to this. DH is Chinese-American, and his parents are very traditional (read: they have no interest whatsoever in assimiliting into American culture in ANY way), so the holidays are a no-brainer for us. We celebrate the Chinese New Year with them and Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family. We invite DH's parents and family every year for Christmas (their restaurant is open on Thanksgiving), but only his brother comes. They don't know what they're missing!
Jodi

[aggie94]

Jodi,

I thought you might get a chuckle out of this Thanksgiving story. I too am Chinese-American, and my parents are pretty traditional, although they always celebrated American holidays for us kids. Now that we're grown, they really don't bother. I called my brother on Thanksgiving day to wish him and his fiancee a Happy Thanksgiving. I asked what they were up to, and he said they were getting things ready for dinner. They had invited my parents this year for Thanksgiving dinner. (My parents and my brother live in the same city, and I am about 2500 miles away).

I asked what they were having, and he named off the typical Thanksgiving day feast: turkey, stuffing, potatoes, gravy, yams, rolls, etc. Then he added, "Mom and Dad are bringing potstickers." :rolleyes: I guess it wouldn't be a holiday without potstickers!

[boisewinesnob]

Just kidding!
Actually though, since we live about 7 hours away from both sets of parents, we really are not expected to go anywhere. I am an only child, and for 13 of the 14 years that DH and I have been together, we were the only ones with kids (his brothers were all single). We have 4 sons, so it is obviously easier for all the parents to come to visit us.
In fact, my parents were just here last weekend to do an early thanksgiving with us. I really wanted to go see Jim Brickman, who was in town and giving a free concert (donations for Sept 11th). My dad said he thought it would be more fun to do stuff that the kids would be more interested in. Ok, fine. The next day, he pulls out a tape of 6 HOURS OF BOXING ON ESPN!!!!!!:rolleyes: He had the thing at about 10,000 decibles and I had a splitting headache. I am a pretty avid sports-fan (will always watch MLB, NFL, hockey, etc) whenever I get the chance, but 6 hours was just too much. And they didn't even have Oscar de la Hoya :( ;)

Suzy

[Jodi]

Aggie94,
That's too funny. What a great story -- and a nice tradition to combine the two cultures and types of foods. DH's grandma always asks him if I want to bring something "American" to Chinese New Year since I'm a picky earter and normally don't fare all that well with the choices there. I'm not sure what they expect me to show up with...
Jodi

[aggie94]

Originally posted by Jodi
DH's grandma always asks him if I want to bring something "American" to Chinese New Year...

This made me laugh too. My parents never ask DH anything directly - it's always "through" me. It's nice of them to try to accommodate, although I probably wouldn't bring anything either. You & my DH probably have similar in-law experiences. We should PM sometime!

[Gina O]

Schedule juggling is the absolute worst part of the holidays for me. Here is the current situation: I live with my SO and I have no children. His family, his children (grown but not married), my mom and step-father, dad and step-mom and sister all live nearby.

During the course of the holiday, I need to spend time with my dad, my mom, my sister and his family. His family does xmas on xmas eve, seemingly without exception or negotiation (when I have broached the issued, his sister says "well, if we do it any other day I would have to spend xmas eve alone.") I have always tried to spend at least part of xmas eve with my dad, but he is willing to negotiate a little. I always feel bad for making him cater to my needs though. Lately, we have gone to my sister's for xmas morning to watch her little kids open presents, then to my mother's in the afternoon for food. Other factors... we do not have SO's work schedule for the month yet, his sister has already announced that xmas will be at her house (we have hosted the last two years), and if we don't make plans soon, his ex-wife will decide when she wants the kids and we will have to work around that.

Add to it that I am a bit of a compulsive planner and I hate not knowing how it will all work out. I soooo look forward to New Years! :) Gina

[HARRYET]

Well, we both grew up and married on the east coast. So when we married we just alternated holidays (we lived 30-40 mins from both sets of parents). We would do T-giving dinner w/my folks and Christmas dinner w/his folks, we also went to each of our parents houses after dinner for dessert for each holiday. The next year we revesed it.

Since moving to the west coast, we do all our holidays w/DH's parents, since we all moved here together. It's really hard not seeing my family for the holidays. But thats my choice, I won't travel for Christmas w/my kids, I don't think it's fair to them. Plus we don't have enough warm weather clothes for an extended visit!

I do get to go and see my family in 2 weeks, Yeah!!, DH gave my a plane ticket for my B-day, so I can go to my mom's retirement party! While I'm their we will have a early Christmas!

Ann
:)