SURVEY: Eating away from home

[lorilei]

Originally posted by SueK:
My husband's family are the meat and potatoes type, and for them, pepper is an exotic spice. So, when we have family gatherings, I tell them ahead of time what I'm cooking, and if they don't like it, they just don't have to show up! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

Good for you, Sue. My husband's family is the same way -- but they know that my husband and I don't eat much meat at all. So, when they come over, they fully expect to have a new experience. I try not to make anything too "weird" - but I certainly don't make them potroast every time they come over http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

On the other side of the spectrum, I have another relative who refuses to eat at anyone's house unless the meal is certifiably "organic". While I agree with her sentiments, I don't agree with her demands.

[This message has been edited by lorilei (edited 10-05-2000).]

[Danielle]

As the one who started the picky eater thread, I just have to add my two cents. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

I was a very picky eater growing up. It used to drive my mom nuts. Luckily I grew out of most (but not all) of my picky habits in high school. But I remember being taught that when you go to someone else's house for dinner, you should at least try what they are making, and appreciate the fact that they spent the time and energy cooking a meal for you. I remember a time when my friend's mom made this special dessert for us -- sponge cake topped with mixed berries and whipped cream. I love this sort of thing, so I was pretty excited. All anticipation faded when I saw her pour an obscene amount of melted butter over the fruit before she topped it with the whipped cream (is that me being picky, or is that just weird?). It made me cringe, but I ate it all, anyway.

I've had to deal with customizing dinners for health reasons (my SIL has acid reflux and my step-mom has colitis, so no spicy, oniony things for them), but to have to arrange a whole dinner around one person because you're afraid they'll complain (like a certain meat-and-potatoes FIL) is getting a little frustrating.

Thanks for all the suggestions so far on the other thread...very helpful indeed!

[venus]

My mother is a picky eater--she doesn't eat any type of meat, fish, eggs, onions, garlic or mushrooms. So going anywhere with her, or having her over for dinner is an experience, to say the least http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/redface.gif
I think I'm very accomodating of people in both regards. I understand that some people have very specific diets, so I always ask people before they come over if there is anything that they don't eat. At the same time, I used to work in a restaurant, so I get very angry when people are picky just for the sake of it.
I'm a moderately picky eater--I know what I like and I don't like, so I'm very specific when I go out to eat. I always eat what people serve me when I go to their house, unless it's something that I have a reaction to, like fake maple syrup.
My husband, on the other hand, will eat anything. He's great that way http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/biggrin.gif

[Gail]

Is it that the guests are actually demanding or rather than we, in our endeavors to be The Perfect Hostess, are trying to make everyone happy? When I am entertaining, I like to "feel out" my guests a bit beforehand (not all guests, rather those people I know who have demonstrated themselves to be the sorts who won't eat everything.) My rationale is that I don't see why I should waste my time preparing something which is going to sit untouched on the table-- better to tailor my menu to suit my guests likes as much as I can. This doesn't mean I'm going to get crazy over it-- rather that if Sam doesn't eat fish at all and everyone else does, I'll be sure to have something on hand Sam WILL eat-- because I don't want my guest to go home hungry.

To my mind, it is rude to dine at someone's home and not eat what is served. Unfortunately, too many people do not share my feelings. Yes, it annoys me that some of my friends "don't eat" certain foods, that I feel boxed in a bit with their dietary constraints, but on the other hand these are also people I value as friends, so sometimes you just have to take the good with the bad.

It's a little rough at times, being a person who'll eat just about anything (and will cook the same way) having to sort of rein my natural instincts in when planning a menu-- but the object is to enjoy ourselves, not to torture my guests. So, I deal with it.

[This message has been edited by Gail (edited 10-05-2000).]

[MrsReber]

Well, I guess we mostly go out to a restaurant when we eat with friends. Family is another matter, but we tend to all make enough food so that everyone can find something that they like to eat. Of course we all end up with massive leftovers too! I despise seafood, yet I grilled some seabass for my family. Amazingly, they said it was delicious. It's hard to cook something when I have no idea what it should taste like (and no desire to try it!). Anyway, I don't think I have ever gone anywhere when someone didn't ask if I liked a particular dish. Guess I've been pretty lucky!

[lorilei]

Thanks, Gail, for being so compassionate and saying things in that special way that makes sense.

Once again, I feel evil. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/wink.gif

I must say, however, that I agree with you. Most of the time when I get together with people, it is because they are family. Or friends. I want to be with them and I want them to enjoy the experience, so I'm willing to do many things in an effort to make that happen.

I'm just continually amazed at the demands people make on their environments. We modern folk expect an awful lot... compared to our forefathers, anyhow.

[Vanessa]

I was also taught to eat what is served. Since developing food allergies years ago and because so many have allergies or are vegetarian I when inviting people over will ask if there is an allergy I should be aware of or someone is vegetarian. After taking care of that I will plan the meal. Now like Gail said if only one person is not eating something then I would probably make something for that person and retain the original menu. If I know that a family member for example hates something I won't make it because like Gail mentioned why cook etc and have the meal untouched.
I have been fortunate our friends like all sort of things.
I don't like some things but if they are served and I am not allergic I will go ahead and eat it. Except for eel! (no way!)

[food girl]

I am starting to think I choose my friends based on what they will eat. I admit that I think that people with lots of food aversions are, well, boring.

I have learned that there are many foods that I thought that I didn't like, that I do like by doing the "courtesy serving" at a dinner party.

Ok, how evil am I that I won't in my MIL's meat because she thaws it on the counter? She thaws the Thanksgiving turkey on the counter for DAYS. Then she cooks the turkey, with the stuffing in the cavity (a no-no in food safety), then to top things off she transports it for 4 hours-unrefrigerated.
Hello!

[This message has been edited by food girl (edited 10-05-2000).]

[Kristilyn1]

Interesting thread!

I am a recovering picky-eater and I have to say--when I go to someone's house for a meal--I will eat and at least appear to enjoy what they are serving (in fact I can't remember the last time I didn't enjoy a meal--so I guess I must be fully recovered) but I admit--I won't try a bite of every single item on the table if there is something I don't like. I would never take a plateful of potatos and just eat that--but if they had 6 things on the table and one I didn't like--I certainly feel free to avoid it, quietly.

As far as guests at my house. I always feel them out ahead of time and ask about strong aversions/allergies etc. With my family--we are about as vocal and informal as you can get--we feel perfectly free to make gagging noises at food served by each other and make peanut butter sandwiches if need be, at each others houses with no hard feelings.

Kristi

[lindrusso]

I think that another exception, along with allergies and health issues, is being a vegetarian. I don't know about the rest of you who don't eat meat, but not eating meat is generally VERY different than having a simple aversion. I eat meat now, but for many years I could not. It would be like an average person trying to eat monkey brains in a foreign country - repulsive and nauseating.

I don't know what is the best way to approach the situation, but just clamming up and eating the meat just isn't an option for most vegetarians that I know. I used to warn the host if I knew them very well, but it was harder when I didn't know them. Once I brought my own veggie burger to a cookout where we were the only guests. I don't know that that method went over very well, but I didn't want the hostess to have to cook meat for me that I couldn't eat.

How do you other vegetarians out there handle it? Will you politely eat meat when in other people's homes? Just curious...

[lorilei]

Inspired by the picky family thread http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

After reading the thread on dealing with picky family members, I started thinking about this whole issue. And wondering about it. It seems to me there has been a breakdown of good old fashioned manners when it comes to eating out.

I have picky eaters in my family as well as my husband's and I usually try to accomodate them in as many ways as possible. I really don't mind doing this -- but in a few select instances, it really seems as if certain individuals are making incredibly ridiculous demands on others when they eat away from their own homes.

Now maybe I'm supersensitive, since I'm a person who doesn't mention my likes and dislikes when I eat at someone's house (even my mother doesn't know some of my food aversions). I'll eat whatever they make. And if it happens to be something I'm not particularly fond of, I try to appreciate their time and effort in creating a meal for me. I'll always try a bit of something, even if it's not something I usually eat. My husband is the same way.

For me, it's disrespectful to make demands on someone who has invited you into their house and spent time on a meal. So, unless it's an allergy or a health issue, I just don't agree with people making this type of demand.

Let's hear both sides of this story... Are you picky? Do you have picky relatives? And how do you personally deal with this issue at your home?

[LIsaP]

I agree with you!

When I was growing up we were taught to eat what was served when a guest at someone's home. We did not provide lists of things that we didn't like or wouldn't eat-we simply ate what was provided and were gracious about it.

One time when in France, the grandparents of the family I was staying with served liver with kidney! It was considered a very special meal and I ate it ALL! I would never eat it again, but it would have been rude not to eat it.

If I am having guests and know they don't like something I will try to be sensitive to it, but I have to say, I don't usually have guests who come right out and tell me that they don't eat certain things, unless it is an allergy or something.

[SueK]

I agree with you! If I go to someone's house for dinner, I don't tell them ahead of time what I like and dislike. We have had friends over that have told us they won't eat red meat, and I had no problem with that. And I don't mind tailoring to someone's health problems, such as low cholesterol, low sodium, etc. But when people just start to be picky for the sake of being picky, that drives me nuts. My husband's family are the meat and potatoes type, and for them, pepper is an exotic spice. So, when we have family gatherings, I tell them ahead of time what I'm cooking, and if they don't like it, they just don't have to show up! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

[MrsReber]

My SIL and her daughter are both vegetarian, although my SIL will occasionally eat poultry. I always cook vegetarian stuff for them. I understand that if someone doesn't eat meat, if they do try to eat meat, it will make them physically ill. I was always a bit of a picky eater, so I certainly understand other people's aversions. I don't know any vegetarians who would eat meat just to be polite. And I certainly would think (hope) that the host/hostess would understand that. I get mad at my father because he never thinks about that when my sister is visiting him. He just thinks "well, she can eat meat this time". Also, if there is a large gathering, you just never know who may or may not be vegetarian. I'm Italian- we have to make sure that everyone eats something and leaves completely stuffed!

[valeriek]

lindrusso,

This is exactly the reason I started eating meat again. When my boyfiend invited me to meet his parents for the first time (big big carnivors) he wanted to explain to his mom that she had to cook something different for me because I didn't eat meat. The last thing I wanted was to for her to go out of the way to cook something special for me (we were going there for a weekend visit, and I thought it was kind enough of them for inviting me over). I told my boyfriend to not even bring the issue up, and I would eat what I was served. The fist night she served pasta with meatballs. I just didn't eat the meatballs. She noticed this and went to the store the next day to buy veggie burgers for the cookout! I'm willing to compromise my eating habits so that others don't have to adjust their menu's. Besides, after not eating meat for several years, sometimes a meat dish tastes kind of good!

[This message has been edited by valeriek (edited 10-06-2000).]

[This message has been edited by valeriek (edited 10-06-2000).]

[BarbaraL]

Gail, you're welcome at my house anytime! I was also brought up to eat what served (although we weren't allowed to eat turkey stuffing at a specific relative's house because she added sausage that she didn't brown before putting in the turkey). Of course, food allergies are a no-brainer; no one can eat a food to which they're allergic. I try to always remember to ask new guests if there's anything they can't eat or don't like (I grew up with a dad who detested fish). If I forget to ask, I hope they'd tell me -- as stated above, why waste time and money preparing food guests won't like? I've never cooked for a vegetarian--I'd probably ask him/her for some suggestions or maybe some recipes to try!
I tend to have some "perfect hostess" symptoms -- I pay attention to what people eat and don't eat, because I want them to enjoy coming to my home. One group of friends is more open to exotic foods/spices; another group likes the tried-and-true. I always try to have a variety of foods, so that there's options in case someone doesn't like something. I noted on the "biggest compliment" thread that one of my girlfriends said she always liked coming to my house because I always served some healthy choices (this particular group likes sour cream dips, and cheese in everything) -- I serve some of that, but also have a big salad and fresh vegetables; and also serve fresh fruit, not just the ice cream cake. On the receiving side: When my daughter was small and we were invited to dinner, I always brought along some things I knew she'd eat, so I didn't have a problem if she didn't like the menu (for example, at one dinner party, she didn't like mesquite-smoked swordfish, Caeser-salad and corn on the cob when she was a toddler).

[Gwenniver]

It is a dilemma, isn't it? Even if you're resigned to eating what is served out of politeness (from the guest point of view), you know that if you end up picking at your food because you discover you just HATE it, or leave one particular dish untouched (especially the main course), your host/hostess is going to notice. Then that's awkward because they'll feel resentment that you didn't tell them so they could make something else--or guilt, or something.

I went to our first Cooking Light Supper Club meeting just recently determined to pick things out of the food (we made Chicken Bruschetta, and I listed mushrooms as one of my aversions on that earlier thread). Well, we had a great time, and I ate the mushrooms and LIKED them! I even ate the chunks of tomatoes that were lightly cooked enough to still look like tomatoes--and liked them too!

So I'm glad I tried the dish--now mind you, there are some things I am simply not going to eat (like raw fish/raw sushi), but I've revised my aversion to say I dont' eat uncooked mushrooms. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif I still don't know what to do if I actually will not eat what's being served, or try it and can't stand it. I guess as a hostess I'd let friends know the menu beforehand (to get any objections in early) and use a smorgasbord approach (add some smaller quantities of several dishes).

Hmmmmmmmmm...

[This message has been edited by Gwenniver (edited 10-07-2000).]

[Marcie]

On a related note, I had an awkward time being the hostess to someone who was raised to eat whatever is served. I was cooking for my grandparents, and chose CL's "rosemary chicken with 2-corn polenta." Lunch was just the three of us. I figured chicken was pretty straight-forward, and polenta was fairly bland and innocuous. Whoops! Granddad was clearly hating every single bite of the polenta. He put on extra salt, then extra pepper, then SALAD DRESSING trying to make it more tolerable. I wanted to tell him he didn't have to finish it for my sake, but that seemed like drawing too much attention to his misery.

I had a baby crying in the other room, so I excused myself. I stayed gone for a very long time, so that granddad could dispose of the polenta however he wished without me knowing. I figured he'd get grandma to eat it or something. After what seemed like plenty of time for even the least creative person to get rid of the offending food, I returned to the table. Poor granddad was still gagging it down.

What should I have done? I only see my grandparents about once a year, so we don't have a repoire that would allow me to make a joke out of the whole thing, either. Has anyone been on this side of the table, so to speak, with advice on putting a guest at ease with a meal that didn't go over well?

[Ed]

Hi,

This is an interesting thread and it brings back memories of how my folks trained me to be polite and eat what was served, but they carried it a step furthur. They told me if I was asked how I liked it I was to say that I did even if I didn't, so that feelings wouldn't be hurt.

This worked out most of the time, so that when they asked would you like some more?, I could reply, "gee, I'm pretty full I better not eat too much right now."

Well once while when I was about 8 years old, we were visiting some of my Dad's relatives, I should add they didn't have any kids and I was the only kid there that day.

They had what looked like scrambled eggs for breakfast. I was pleased when Cousin Emma put a large amount on my plate, I put some salt & pepper on them and started in on the first bite.

Oh no, what is this stuff I thought, it sure didn't taste good to me, so I leaned over to my Mom and asked her what it was and told her I didn't like it. (in a soft voice of course)

Well it turned out they had butchered some Hogs a day or two before, and what looked to me like scrambled eggs were Hogs brains, Good Grief. Well my Mom reminded me to eat them quitely before they get cold, and be polite.

I finally got them down, it didn't take me long. (When a kid is eating someting he dosen't like he chooses to go slowly because they are so bad to him or he chooses to go at it with a vengence to get the ordeal done with. He makes a decision and sticks to it. I chose the "get it over with and get out of here" method.)

Well, My Dad was the one to say loudly, "Well son, how did you like your breakfast?" So Being a good boy I smiled and answered, "just fine dad." he then did a terrible thing; He said, "Well then, here have some more." and with that he slapped another big scoop of those Brains on my plate. I could hardly believe it, & I had to eat those too. That plateful went real slow.

Luckily by the time the second helping was done, there were none left.

My Mother still askes me from time to time if I remember Dad doing that, I always tell her "I sure do."

Well since then I grew up and had a family.

With my children I always went by the rule that if one of my kids put it on their plate they should do their best to eat it, and be polite. But if an adult put it on their plate they didn't have to eat it if they didn't like it. I can thank my Father-in-Law for that bit of wisdom.

As a result my kids would always try a small amount and finish it, if they liked it they would take more, if they didn't, they didn't.

I never really had to explain this to too many people when we were eating at their homes as most of the stuff they fed us and the kids was pretty good. But my kids knew the rules and they knew I'd stand up for their decision if they didn't want to eat someting.

Well just some thoughts from me, and my 2 cents worth.

Ed

[MaryB]

As a former very picky child and as the mother of a very picky child I have to say that I don't think you have to eat food that you clearly dislike in order to be polite. Our house rule is that you have to taste things but you don't have to eat something if you don't like it. For my son, I just tell him not to eat or take things he doesn't like but then not to make a big deal out of it (no loud announcements that the spinach looks gross!). This doesn't always work well as some relatives think that he is starving or will be malnourished (he doesn't eat much meat). However, my philosphy is that not eating much at one meal won't hurt him. We just try not to make a big deal out of it. But the same goes for me. I have a couple of foods that I really dislike (okay its bananas) so I don't eat them. I got great practice with this when I visited my husband's relatives in Hawaii this year. There were many Hawaiian/Asian delicacies that I tried and many that I liked, but not all! On the other hand, no one expected me to absolutely love everything I was served.

When I have guests over for dinner I do try to find out if they are allergic or are vegetarian. Beyond that I don't try to get a list of likes/dislikes. But I also don't expect or want people to choke something down that they clearly dislike. With people I don't know well, I always try to make things that most people like and I leave the cooking experiments for my family.

[MrsReber]

Ed, that is such a horrible story! I wouldn't eat brains ever, never mind make my child eat them! I cannot believe you ate that much, either! I think I would've been scarred for life!

My mother never had a problem with us not eating something at someone's house. It was my father who said we should eat everyting. He would always make me sit at the table until I finished or tell me to eat more even when I was stuffed (to the point where I even got sick twice at the table!). I swear that I will never do that to my children. We don't all like everything. A simple taste is enough. If you don't like it, don't eat it. I would not be offended if someone didn't like something that I made. Different people have different tastebuds!

[lindrusso]

Originally posted by MrsReber:
It was my father who said we should eat everyting. He would always make me sit at the table until I finished or tell me to eat more even when I was stuffed (to the point where I even got sick twice at the table!).

And aren't we sending the wrong message to our children if we make them eat everything whether they are hungry or not???!!!! Now I don't advocate wasting food either, so I just try to teach my children not to take too much and that they can always get more if they are still hungry.

And if only poor Ed had gotten sick at the table - he might have gotten out of that second plate. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/tongue.gif

I realize Ed didn't have much choice as a child, but as an adult I wouldn't care a hoot about etiquette if someone put brains on my plate - no way I'm going to eat it - though I'd try to be polite about it and not RETCH at the very sight. Of course a thoughtful hostess would NEVER serve something like that to guests, much less a child.

[Ed]

Hi Mrs. Reber and Lindrusso, and Hi to everyone else too.

Thanks for your replies to my plight as a youngster. It's all true, and I did survive, and I wasn't scarred for life by the event, except the episode did make me a little bit smarter about the difference between politeness and honesty. As a matter of fact my Dad learned something about that too when my Mom got him alone later that day. (now that he's gone and she's alone she dosen't remember that part, but I do. If my Dad hadn't learned it before, he did that day, that the "little woman" could become a "tough woman" quite easily.)

I also found out later that there were things my Dad wouldn't eat, and it didn't matter if it was at home or somewhere else either. So for a lot of years afterwards I successfully used the dodge that "if my Dad won't eat neither will I".

Some years ago I was at a Pig Roast and as I went up to the Pig Roaster for seconds there was a guy in front of me who asked the cook if he would split open the head and dish him up some brains? The cook did, right then and there and asked me if I wanted some too? I just smiled and said "no thanks give him all he wants I just want some sliced pork".

I have learned over the years that when it comes to Pigs the old saying is true: "that they use everything from a Pig except the squeal." I would add that they are likely to use the squeal too, they make a whistle out of that.

But from the meat, to the head, [head cheese] to the hocks & feet, [pickled Pigs feet and pork hocks] to the inards, [sausage casings and Chitterlings] to the brains, nothing goes to waste on a Pig. It's just that I had my first lesson on this at a young age.

I will be at a Pig Roast here in town next sunday after church. I'm certain if I hang around long enough I will see someone with some Brains on his plate. To each his own, I'll go for the sliced pork. But I do know there are a few real connesoueirs out there when it comes to eating a Pig.

Ed

"The important things in life aren't things"



[This message has been edited by Ed (edited 10-10-2000).]