I can't believe I'M posting this question!

[lisas3575]

So DH e-mails me today and says that he's ready to start "thinking about" thinking about having kids. :eek: He's been against having kids ever since I've known him. I've started waffling about a year ago, and I think I've gotten him thinking too.

My question is-- what should we be discussing at this point to make sure this is the right decision for us? One thing on my list is discipline; I see what a huge softie he is with the dogs, and I'm afraid of being the "bad cop" with a child.

Any insight into this important decision is much appreciated!!! :eek:

[JHaris]

Big difference between kids and dogs..DH was a major softie when we got our St. Bernard pup, Kayak. But once it got to discipline as the 3 children arrived, he pretty much supported me and I him. Never disagreed in front of them on what was to be done....that was for "behind the scenes." One thing we had to agree on, support for each other. meaning when the children found out how to "play one parent against the other, i.e., "but Mom said, Dad said", we stood together. This was important. Of course you won't always agree, but even spoiling as long as it is in moderation, is part of the whole thing.

Hope this input makes some sense to you.

Joan

[DmOrtega]

My recommendation is to call your doctor and ask about parenting classes for the both of you. They can be very helpful and you learn a lot about the aspect of parenting. They can help you to answer your questions and be a support group for you. You can always come to the board and pose questions but in the end it will be you and your husbands parenting styles that will be implimented. Parenting will change your lives and the more information that you have the better. Enjoy the journey together.

[lisas3575]

Do you think we could go to a parenting class before we have kids? Would that even be a good idea?

[DmOrtega]

Absolutley!!!! Ask your doctor about preparenting classes. Also, the Childrens Home Society offers classes.

[Molli526]

Lisa,

Maybe that psychic was on to something ;)

[lisas3575]

LOL, Molli!!!! You cracked me up. I didn't think anyone would remember that! :D

[lhall]

I have to agree with JHaris, don't disagree in front on each other.

Sometimes because DD1 has such a good vocabulary I think we treat her like she's older than she really is (she's 4 now) and get a little impatient. DH and I work well to take over and let the other one cool down a little, but we do not disagree. We do spank, but not unless nothing else works. We've gone on and on for 30 minutes with DD before finally giving her a spanking. We've tried time out with limited success. What works well for use it taking away a priviledge (i.e. TV, Dessert, etc.) if she's bad. We usually give her an opportunity to re-earn the lost priviledge. We also praise her for being good/helpful/patient.

Yes, parenting classes are a good idea. Sometimes the local community colleges offer them as do hospitals. DB/SIL worked in the nursery at church for a while too.

Good luck,
Leigh

[JHolcomb]

OK, this is kinda related...when you get pregnant, do they test for veneral diseases? I know this has got to be the stupidist question ever, but I'm kind of a hypochondriac, and even though I know I don't have anything, I'm stressing so much over the thought of having to be tested for this stuff that I can't even think about getting pregnant without sending my bp through the roof. If I found out that I didn't have to be tested for that stuff, I'd be ready to get pregnant tomorrow. Well, not tomorrow, but if I did get preganant tomorrow, I wouldn't freak out. Dh and I have talked about discipline, and child health issues and basically how we want to raise the kids-we do want to wait until we have a little money in the bank, but honestly, this is the one thing that's keeping me from considering childbearing. I know this is the stupidist thing ever...I can be such a headcase. I'm even horrified to go to the dentist for fear that I may have a cavity (never had one, but I'm still horrfied), and don't get me started on the gyn. Thanks for hearing my insane hypochondriacal ravings.

And Lisa, I plan on doing a parenting class before we have our first one, too. And have fun, um, trying :p (hehhehheh she says with a lecherous grin and a wink).

[funnybone]

Originally posted by JHolcomb
OK, this is kinda related...when you get pregnant, do they test for veneral diseases?

I had to chuckle, only because with all the other STD's out there, VD doesn't seem like much of a threat these days.

[JHolcomb]

Oh, I guess I meant all that other nasty stuff too.

[lhall]

I seem to remember them asking about an AIDS test, which I did not have done. If they tested for anything else they didn't say, "were testing for ...".

Leigh

[JHolcomb]

OK, cool. I know I'm a nut. I know I should relax. I know I shouldn't obsess about that time I was in 8th grade and my dermatologist touched my face with dirty gloves, I shouldn't think about stuff one can get from toilet seats, I shouldn't think about all those really sick people I came into contact with at the hospital pharmacy where I worked. I'm going to relax now and stop freaking out. And I'm going to keep on taking those birth control pills for now, 'cause I think I need to work through this is therapy before DH and I even THINK about kids.

[Ms. Chevious]

JHolcomb - OMG! I am the EXACT same way!! (Sorry Lisa for not being able to contribute to your question!) I just had to let you know you are NOT alone. I am a total hypochondriac but yet I am petrified of doctors because I'm convinced they are going to tell me I'm dying. I thought I had something wrong recently and lost sleep over it for a YEAR before I finally saw a doctor (and even then I didn't mention it, just figured they would have caught it if it was important!) Some people think that they just want to know but the torture of not knowing is not nearly as bad as knowing I think. Which I know makes NO sense to most people but I just want to live hoping I might NOT have something rather than knowing I do, even if it can be treated etc. I am about the only person my age I know that has never had an AIDS test. No I don't think I have it but there is of course a TINY possibility (I mean we were all young and stupid once right?) and just because of that tiny possibility I can't do it. I would rather die from it and not know until the day I die rather than know and live with it, regardless of treatment options. So believe me, I understand you COMPLETELY. Even when I do get up the courage to go to the gyn or something (only because I want my pills renewed otherwise I'd NEVER go) I totally prepare for trying to stop them from testing me for anything (thankfully they never even try but I'm with you - all that testing they do to pregnant ladies!) So I am right there with you!! Don't feel alone, you are NOT crazy.

[JHolcomb]

Ms. Chevious, I think we may be the same person living in two different bodies. I totally understand...

[BlueMoose]

When I was pregnant the first time, I did have an AIDS test done. I didn't think I had it, but there's always that possibility (it's true, I wasn't a virgin when I got married:rolleyes: ). I was a little nervous about it, but it was a relief to find out for sure that I didn't have it, and I haven't had to worry about it a minute since then (since I don't worry in the slightest that DH has ever cheated on me). Please do get tested, because on the very slim outside chance that you would test positive, they can do things to protect the baby from it. So please do it for your baby!:)

[lhall]

Originally posted by BlueMoose
When I was pregnant the first time, I did have an AIDS test done. *snip* Please do get tested, because on the very slim outside chance that you would test positive, they can do things to protect the baby from it. So please do it for your baby!:)

I didn't have the test done when I was pregnant because I've had one and the only person I've had that kind of contact with since then has been DH.

Yes, its a good idea just to get the test done.

Leigh

[MrsReber]

My doctor tested for AIDS the first time and tested again this time. It's their procedure. Remember, you do want to protect the baby, but the doctors and hospital personnel also have a right to be able to protect themselves since there is alot of blood and bodily fluids involved in delivering a child. Not to scare you, I'm sure you're fine and it really is no big deal, better to just get it over with.

As far as parenting classes, I was just reading in last weekend's papar that the local hospitals were having parenting classes- yes, take them before you have kids, that's the idea behind them!

I agree with the advice on discipline- always present a united front and disagree in private. This is something that I will have to work on with my own DH, I'm sure.

Most importantly, make sure this is something that you both really want and that you and DH will be partners in this venture. It is not fair to expect you to do all the work. Just talk to each other about your ideas and your feelings about it. Children really are wonderful. Not a day goes by since DD was born that we're not laughing at some cute thing that DD has done. No matter how bad we feel, we are always smiling at the end of the day!

[lisas3575]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions! :)

Does anybody have a book they might recommend on the topic? I tried looking on Amazon, but didn't really know what to search under...

[lisas3575]

I just ordered The Parenthood Decision: Deciding Whether You Are Ready and Willing to Become a Parent by Beverly Engle from Amazon.com (5 stars).

Amazon.com
Deciding whether or not to become a parent (and if so, when and how) is one of life's biggest decisions. For some people, the choice to have a child is intuitive--something they've always known they would do. Nonetheless, questions arise for them. How can I know if the time is right? What are my real reasons for wanting a child? Are my motivations questionable? For others, the question is whether or not to have a child at all. What if I want to parent and my partner does not? Am I capable of being a good parent? Is my partner? What about money issues? In The Parenthood Decision: Discovering Whether You Are Ready and Willing to Become a Parent, Beverly Engel, a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor and bestselling author (The Right to Innocence and Beyond the Birds and the Bees), takes a look at all the issues potential parents face, posits important questions, and leads readers who are struggling with a variety of dilemmas through compassionate and thoughtful decision-making exercises. Engel realizes that her soul-searching process may lead to the conclusion to wait or remain childless, and she fully supports this option, stating, "You owe it to yourself, your partner if you have one, and especially to your future baby to make your decision based on reality, not fantasy." --Ericka Lutz