Not Sharing Recipes = Mean!

[claire797]

Do you agree?

I was thinking about this last night while looking through an issue of Good Housekeeping. Someone asked Peggy Post, the manners lady, how she could politely decline to give someone a recipe. Peggy's answer was to tell the requestor something along the lines of "Oh. It's been in my family for years and we consider it a secret" then offer up another recipe.

Do you keep any of your recipes secret? In my whole life I've only met one person who refused to divulge a secret ingredient. She was kind of a jerk, anyway so it wasn't that surprising -- but sheesh. Unless you are Colonel Sanders, what is the purpose of keeping your recipe a secret?

[lhall]

Well, we had some that Mom would not give away because they were 'family recipes'. These were actually created by my great great grandmother. My grandmother said I could give them out and now I do, but Mom never would.

But, when Mom would decline to give out the recipe she was always sincere. The "oh, ..." you quote does not sound very sincere to me. Mom would always say something like, "I'm sorry, but it's a family recipe."

Leigh

I do want to add that going to a recipe exchange event and making a recipe you are not willing to share IS mean!

[donleyk]

I am sitting on the fence on this one. It usually intrigues me then to go to SOAR and try to find it..... I also have had recipes turn out so good that I don't tell people what made it different. :rolleyes: It's stupid, I know.

[Shirley Ekstein]

Claire, I agree SO MUCH.

What's the point of cooking at all, if not to share the good things? And if you find something really good, the more people who know about it the better.

After all, if all the cooks who have ever cooked had never shared any of the recipes, where would we be?

Still crouching over a camp-fire, carefully shielding our bit of food from the camp-fire over the way, that's where. . .

[Nirak]

You know what is WORSE? Someone who agrees to share, but then leaves an ingredient out so you will never be able to make it the same way! BTW, I share everything, very willingly. The only reason I know that people do this is because someone accused me of leaving something out. (can I help it if she couldn't cook as well :-) ) I am a very inaccurate measurer and I cook by "feel" a lot. I always explain this when I share. I also say, here's the original recipe and here's what I did differently. I even specify when I think ingredients make a difference, such as Penzy's herbs or cocoa.

[Gail]

I don't consider the practice of not sharing family recipes necessarily mean-- I simply don't agree with it. Some twenty-five years ago, my then-boyfriend used to tell me about a wonderful cheesecake recipe his mom had, which was so carefully guarded, she wouldn't divulge it to a soul. Well-- a year or so later, I baked him a birthday cake (carrot, which was then all the rage) and his mother declared it the best cake she'd ever had in her life. Shortly thereafter, I received HER recipe in the mail.

Though I don't agree with the practice, it seemed to me rather like betraying a confidence when someone asked me to give out her recipe. (and I never have.) I guard it, because it seems to me the violation of trust to do anything else, but did offer to bake one of her cakes for the person who wanted the recipe.

...now on the subject of mean, I think THIS is mean: a fellow I knew used to DELIBERATELY leave out ingredients in his recipes when asked for them. The reason, he told me, was that he didn't want anyone making HIS creation as well as he did. Given that, I've always been reluctant to try out his recipe for pasta salad. He ASSURED me he hadn't left anything out, but with a philosophy like that, I'm extremely suspicious.

[aggie94]

I'm with Shirley on this one. I've never encountered someone who wasn't willing to share a recipe because it was a "family secret" or for whatever other reason. But to be really honest, if I did, I'd have to wonder what kind of person they were.

[Beth H]

My sister's closest friends have this "secret" family recipe for a chocolate Christmas candy -- it's literally one of the best candies I've ever eaten. My sister has helped the family make this candy many times, so she sort of knows the ingredients, but they never, ever will share the recipe with her. They seem to think that keeping the recipe to themselves makes the candy more of a special family tradition.

Personally, I'm flattered when someone asks for a recipe of mine -- it must mean the food tasted great!

[NydiaC]

Originally posted by Gail
...now on the subject of mean, I think THIS is mean: a fellow I knew used to DELIBERATELY leave out ingredients in his recipes when asked for them. The reason, he told me, was that he didn't want anyone making HIS creation as well as he did. Given that, I've always been reluctant to try out his recipe for pasta salad. He ASSURED me he hadn't left anything out, but with a philosophy like that, I'm extremely suspicious.


Wow, he must have had a low self-esteem.

[SueK]

Well, LOL, my family doesn't have any family recipes, but if we did, I would be happy to pass them on. I would take the request as a compliment!

There are so many recipes floating around out there on the internet, that I think it's silly to think that no one could ever duplicate your dish if you refused to give them the recipe! Sharing recipes and cooking ideas is one of the most enjoyable things about cooking!

[Shirley Ekstein]

ExACTLY, Sue - my own feelings in a nutshell - (and Gail, given THOSE thoughts, am wondering - should I really send you the extra-special-recipe-Game Pie-recipe-which-is-my-very-own) ??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Peggy C.]

...we have not secrets at all, we're an open book.

I personally do not care for the practice of not sharing, I think it is so flattering when someone asks me how to make something.

[Peeps]

I recently received my grandmother's recipe box and came across one card that was obviously given to her by someone she'd requested a recipe from after a dinner party because the woman wrote on the card "The ultimate compliment a hostess can receive is to be asked for her recipe" and then gave the recipe. I tend to agree. :)

[Gail]

Originally posted by NydiaC



Wow, he must have had a low self-esteem.

Dunno what his problem was. Strange fellow. Was a gate agent for an airline, and if you p***ed him off, he'd forward your luggage somewhere you weren't going.

[Gail]

Originally posted by Shirley Ekstein
ExACTLY, Sue - my own feelings in a nutshell - (and Gail, given THOSE thoughts, am wondering - should I really send you the extra-special-recipe-Game Pie-recipe-which-is-my-very-own) ??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But of course you should. I share MY recipes... :)

[Gail]

This does raise a good question, I think.

Given the circumstances I described, when that treasured secret family recipe was given to me-- and being aware how tightly guarded a secret it was-- are the rest of you saying you would've given out the recipe, regardless of the woman's feelings on the matter? It was a hard call, let me tell you, and the fact that guarding this recipe was in direct opposition with my own beliefs made it a doubly confusing situation. Still in all, these many years later, I'm still convinced it was the right thing to do.

[ewatkins]

DH used to work for a restaurant and he said they always gave out recipes, but changed the ingredients a little bit. I always assume this is the case when you see a recipe request column in the paper. But to do it to a friend seems tacky.

[claire797]

Originally posted by Gail
This does raise a good question, I think.

Given the circumstances I described, when that treasured secret family recipe was given to me-- and being aware how tightly guarded a secret it was-- are the rest of you saying you would've given out the recipe, regardless of the woman's feelings on the matter? It was a hard call, let me tell you, and the fact that guarding this recipe was in direct opposition with my own beliefs made it a doubly confusing situation. Still in all, these many years later, I'm still convinced it was the right thing to do.

This has never happened to me because no one in my family is silly enough to "guard" a recipe and we're not in the food industry where divulging ingredients might lead to a competitive disadvantage.

If I *were* in that situation here's what I'd do. If the person asking was a close friend, I would tell them the recipe was a guarded family secret but that "because they were my friend, yada yada yada I would share". Then I'd give it to them with a wink and a "shhhhhh". Now. If the person was a co-worker or a casual acquaintance, I would just keep forgetting to write the recipe down for them. That's right. I would say "sure" and then forget. If this co-worker or casual acquaintance kept hounding me, then I would (after being asked several times) give that person the recipe with the "shhhhhh" that I gave my friend. After all, if someone is desperate enough to hound me for a recipe, they must REALLY have liked it and that is a big compliment.

[SQ]

Gail, I think you did the right thing regarding the cheesecake recipe that was entrusted to you. I understand you sharing your own, (my philosophy, too), but I don't feel the cheesecake recipe was yours to share. What a compliment that the "then-boyfriend's mother" chose to share it with you!

[BlueMoose]

I'm always happy to share recipes for "people food".

However, I've had people ask me for my recipes for dog biscuits when I'm sitting at a booth trying to sell bags of the finished product.:rolleyes:

[claire797]

Originally posted by BlueMoose
I'm always happy to share recipes for "people food".

However, I've had people ask me for my recipes for dog biscuits when I'm sitting at a booth trying to sell bags of the finished product.:rolleyes:

That is a rare example of when not sharing a recipe makes sense.

In most cases, people who hold back recipes must have self esteem issues (like Nydia said). And why would a whole family -- unless they were selling their finished product in a competitive market -- want to deny the pleasure of the finished product to another family? I just don't get it. Maybe the whole family has self-esteem issues? If my grandmother gave me a recipe and said "don't share this" (which would never happen) I'd ask her why? Why is our family recipe so secret?

The truth is, there are probably a billion copies already out there on the Internet PLUS everyone knows that one recipe often tastes completely different when made by 5 different cooks.

[HRJ]

I agree -- unless you're selling your product, or planning to enter the Pillsbury Bake-Off, why wouldn't you share the recipe? Shirley put it best -- cooking is all about sharing, and doing something that will make other people feel good.

Here's a sharing story that backfired, though -- years and years ago, a friend of my mother's (I'll call her "Lulu") asked for a particular cake recipe, which had been handed down to my mother from a relative. My mother gladly gave it to her. Six months later, the recipe appeared in a community cookbook, as "Lulu's Cake"! :eek:

However, that has not stopped my mom from sharing her recipes.

:)

Helene

[Aspen]

Am in agreement with those that share the "treasured family recipes"....

I have on occasion lost/misplaced a favorite recipe and have been able to get a copy since I had shared it with a friend.

Often times a recipe turns out differently than the given recipe due to the different variables of ingredients used, oven temperature, humidity and the amount of love put into it.

[Laura B]

Originally posted by Gail


Dunno what his problem was. Strange fellow. Was a gate agent for an airline, and if you p***ed him off, he'd forward your luggage somewhere you weren't going.

OMG. Are you serious?! :eek:

I agree with the general sentiment so far. It is silly not to share (unless it is for business purposes, like Bluemoose, etc.). I think not sharing goes against the spirit of cooking!

[Gail]

Originally posted by Laura B


OMG. Are you serious?! :eek:



Absolutely. He worked for Hawaiian Air at LAX. Besides flying to Hawaii, they also serviced Tahiti. One day, he was telling me about some really obnoxious travelers (from what he told me, they weren't that bad...) bound for Hawaii. He laughed a little and concluded his story by informing me, "...so, I sent their luggage to Papeete..." I was horrified.

As a result, I NEVER leave my luggage till I've read what's on the tag. And I am always VERY NICE to the agent.

[LGBurns]

Okay, this is the historian in me: I'm wondering if there is some reason in the past for keeping family recipes a secret. Many traditions start for practical reasons and then are carried on even after no one remembers the original reason.

Also, Gail, I think you did the right thing not sharing. After all, if someone tells me a secret about something that I wouldn't keep secret about myself, that doesn't give me the right to devulge it. For example, if I have a friend who tells me that she watches wrestling every weekend but swears me to secrecy, I wouldn't tell anyone even if I, personally, wouldn't care if people knew I watched wrestling.

And I think the proper response if someone asks for the recipe is to simply say "I'm sorry, the person who gave me the recipe asked that I not share it, and I have to respect their wishes." In other words, tell the truth.

[JanetB]

I have to admit that I have been mean once or twice and not shared my family's recipe for Irish Soda Bread.

It isn't a huge secret. Part of the reason is my late aunt taught me how to make it when I was little - she rarely measured - and I learned to eyeball the recipe - It would involve work to write it down. I usually guess.

Now one of the women that I used to work with requested the recipe. I didn't like her to begin with - but she was known in the office for complimenting folks on cooking and then asking for recipes and bragging about how she fixed them as the other person didn't know what they were doing.

So, I politely told her that my aunt had taught me the "secret" family recipe when I was a child and told me the only people I should pass it on to was my children and my brother's and cousins' children. She went off in a huff - but my recipe never became fodder for her office gossip!

[Laura B]

Originally posted by Gail

As a result, I NEVER leave my luggage till I've read what's on the tag. And I am always VERY NICE to the agent.

Taken to heart! I will never forget that story.

[claire797]

Originally posted by JanetB


Now one of the women that I used to work with requested the recipe. I didn't like her to begin with - but she was known in the office for complimenting folks on cooking and then asking for recipes and bragging about how she fixed them as the other person didn't know what they were doing.



With somebody like this, I would have ignored her request or I would have been "mean" too. How rude of her to act like the other person didn't know what they were doing. I wouldn't have minded so much if she took my recipe and said it was hers (whatever, right?) but to take a recipe then say the other person wasn't making it correctly is obnoxious.

[Robyncz]

What an interesting thread!

I am also a sharer of recipes. I have several "special" recipes that mean a lot to me and I'm happy to share them with those who ask, however, if they're going to get the recipe, they're also going to have to listen to (and appreciate ;) ) the LONG version of the story that goes along with it!!!!

[jrichards]

I also go with the majority, not sharing = mean, unless you're in business selling the item or it would violate a promise you made. It just goes against the spirit of things.

Providing a recipe is just like any other item where someone asks something of you, unless it's in conflict with your values/would hurt someone else, why deny someone the information if it's going to bring them joy?

[Julia1Pin]

I actually agree with not sharing family recipes, but only under certain circumstances.

1) It's one of the gifts/legacies that a parents leaves behind for their children, grand children, etc....

2) You sell the finished product in question

My sister's MIL makes an AMAZING cake that I'm hoping she will give me the recipe to one of these years. My sister has seen her make it millions of times, has the recipe, has tried to make it herself, is an amzaing cook, and still can't replicate it. Only one other person, aside from my sister has the recipe. She doesn't make it as well either. This recipe I would never give to anyone who asked, aside from my children. BTW, the recipe is for Mixed Berry merengue cake that most of San Francisco is in love with!

[Jessica]

This is such an interesting thread. I have to say I think it is a little stingy to not share a recipe unless you are selling the finished product. I have had a couple people who would not give me recipes because they were "family recipes" (for some reason, these are always desserts). One was a college friend who made this fabulous chocolate cake--I now see her once every 5 years or so and it's not like I ever get to taste that cake. Another is a good friend who makes these cookies and will not share the recipe, even though she rarely bakes them for me.

I am always flattered when a guest or friend asks for a recipe and I write it down or email it immediately with suggestions for making it the way I do.

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."

I guess if you cook to impress instead of to share, you would have a different perspective.

[beejayw1]

If someone gives you a recipe with the request that you keep it secret, I think you have to keep it secret. And don't make it for a situation where someone might ask for it.

On the other hand, ladies:

What do you do if you have to bring in cookies, and you've been frazzled and had no time, so you take Pillsbury sugar cookie dough, roll it in cinnamon sugar, and bake, and everyone swoons over it and asks for the recipe because they all think you're the best cook ever???:eek:

I told them, "Oh, it's easy. Just make a standard sugar cookie dough, but use lemon juice instead of vanilla. Then chill, roll into little balls and then dip in cinnamon sugar and bake."

Whew!

[Gail]

I dunno. I think I'd and say, "Sure you want it? It's a really long, complicated recipe..." Then I'd grin and tell 'em the truth.

[claire797]

Originally posted by beejayw1
And don't make it for a situation where someone might ask for it.

What do you do if you have to bring in cookies, and you've been frazzled and had no time, so you take Pillsbury sugar cookie dough, roll it in cinnamon sugar, and bake, and everyone swoons over it and asks for the recipe because they all think you're the best cook ever???:eek:

I told them, "Oh, it's easy. Just make a standard sugar cookie dough, but use lemon juice instead of vanilla. Then chill, roll into little balls and then dip in cinnamon sugar and bake."

Whew!

Did you know that you can take a whole Mrs. Smith pie and dump it into your own pie plate (before thawing) to look like your own? The pies are designed so you can actually do this! They showed a Mrs. Smith representative doing it on TV.....I think it was on that show "America Unwrapped". I don't think I could keep a straight face and pretend it was my own pie.

[gertdog]

I am a recipe-sharer. In fact, just last night, a friend told me how a recipe I shared with her has now become a holiday staple at several households around the country, and we both enjoyed tracing how that happened (so-and-so had it at this party, then made it for a dinner and Mrs. G was there, then Mrs. G. got the recipe...). Fun!

However, I have had two experiences where people declined to share recipes with me.

In college, one of my friends made divine chocolate chip cookies and lasagna. They were both her grandmother's recipes and she would not share them with me. However, in a birthday card I received a few years after college, she enclosed both recipes and they both work perfectly (e.g. no mysterious missing ingredients). I thought that was sweet, and they were both lovely gifts, as I make them frequently.

In graduate school, I was invited to dinner at the home of a retired professor and his wife. I asked for the recipe for a soup that was served, and the woman said "Of course, I'll get that to you." She never did, so I asked again the next time I saw her, and she said the same thing. Another woman told me that Mrs. Prof never shared her recipes... that she was of the era where women felt that their identity was strongly wrapped up with their ability to cook. But why tell me she would give it to me, then? :(

[Jewel]

I can only think of one time that I was hesitant to give out a recipe, and the only reason I was hesitant was that it was 'snitched' to me by my ex-husband's mother who 'wasn't supposed to give it out'. Again, kind of like Gail, it wasn't really my recipe to pass on. Any other time, I'm thrilled to death when someone asks for one of my recipes, especially when it's an original! ;) To me it's the ultimate compliment!

DH and I went to a potluck for his work about two years ago, and I took a soup that I had 'made up' and was proud of. I was a bit concerned whether anyone else would like it, but DH was convinced that it would be a hit. I let him talk me into making a huge batch of the soup and taking the stuff with us. It was the hit of the potluck and I was so shocked! When several people approached me and asked for the recipe, I told them that I'd have to send it to work with Dave the following week because I didn't have it memorized. That's when my wonderful DH pulled copies of that recipe out of his bag! :eek: He said he knew that the stuff would be a hit, and that he'd made a few copies of my recipe to take with us! ;)

Sometimes they surprise you, don't they? :p

[claire797]

Originally posted by gertdog


In graduate school, I was invited to dinner at the home of a retired professor and his wife. I asked for the recipe for a soup that was served, and the woman said "Of course, I'll get that to you." She never did, so I asked again the next time I saw her, and she said the same thing. Another woman told me that Mrs. Prof never shared her recipes... that she was of the era where women felt that their identity was strongly wrapped up with their ability to cook. But why tell me she would give it to me, then? :(

I guess she was trying not to be downright rude to you by saying no. Like I said. I'd do what she did *if* I were put into a situation where someone wanted a recipe that I had been sworn to secrecy over. But again, that would never happen because I nor anyone in my family ever hoard recipes and I love sharing mine.

[erinl]

First, I don't guard recipes. I share freely.

A couple of years ago, I begged a friend for her mom's sugar cookie recipe. They are to die for. She sent me the recipe with strict instructions that I only make them for Valentine's Day or St. Patrick's Day. I haven't faltered yet, but it kills me not to make these delicious cookies on other occasions.

[Beth]

My greatest family recipes are a couple of cookie recipes that came from my paternal grandmother, and I have shared both of them freely. One of them is the Dutch Santa Claus cookies I have posted here and is one of my most requested recipes. My mom says you have to have Dutch blood to make them right, but I think that's so she can be sure I will make them.

Another most requested one is for pepper jelly. I created that one, and actually have a couple of versions of it. That's one of the few recipes I've thought about not sharing freely, and that was becausse, at one time, DH and I thought about selling it. I have shared it, but not with many. For one thing, most folks aren't going to can. I wonder if anyone I've given the recipe to has tried making it. I do get requests for the finished product for birthday and holiday gifts.

In my last job, I was known as a recipe source, not only for things I'd brought in, but also if someone was just looking for something. I know I make things my own when I make them, so why not share that pleasure and enjoy the compliment? But if you don't want to share, say so -- don't waste my time and money ruining something!

[lorilei]

I must jump in here at this late date and say that I think it is really a matter of personal perogative whether or not one shares one's own recipes -- and I'd have to give everyone their own leeway with this one, whether or not I agreed with their rationale.

I, personally, believe that "sharing the joy" of an excellent recipe is a great thing, and I will generally give out my recipes liberally (even particularly special ones that I've actually CREATED myself). I'm not very much into this idea of "personal copyrite"... I believe that art is something beautiful which we ought to put OUT THERE for other people to enjoy.

However, I'd have to agree with the concept that if someone else entrusts me with a recipe that they'd generally NOT share, I'd have to respect their wishes. It's much the same as holding any piece of information in confidence -- I wouldn't betray the "secrets" of anyone, and I certainly wouldn't give away a recipe that they held dear.

[Jewel]

Originally posted by erinl
A couple of years ago, I begged a friend for her mom's sugar cookie recipe. They are to die for. She sent me the recipe with strict instructions that I only make them for Valentine's Day or St. Patrick's Day. I haven't faltered yet, but it kills me not to make these delicious cookies on other occasions.

Personally, I think that if you now own the recipe, you can make those cookies whenever you @#$% well please! :p What, is there a Sugar Cookie Gestapo that's gonna come rip the recipe outta your hand if she finds out you made them for your kid's birthday! Sheesh! ;)

[claire797]

Originally posted by Jewel


Personally, I think that if you now own the recipe, you can make those cookies whenever you @#$% well please! :p What, is there a Sugar Cookie Gestapo that's gonna come rip the recipe outta your hand if she finds out you made them for your kid's birthday! Sheesh! ;)

I agree. That same recipe is probably on www.allrecipes.com and thousands of people around the country are making it whenever they want so why can't you?

Most recipes with a *secret* ingredient are already published somewhere anyway and it's usually not too hard to figure out. After all, there are only so many combinations of flour, fat and sugar you can use to make decent sugar cookie.

[SandyM]

Lori, you said so eloquently exactly what I was thinking.

[maizeyoats]

Except for people in the business (and I absolutely understand that) I think it is so ridiculous not sharing. I just cannot understand this type of selfishness.
I wonder what will be waiting for them in the hereafter.
Anyway I agree that there are so many recipe sites on the internet and so many good cookbooks that we do not have enough time in this life to make all the great things that we do have access to. :D
And especially I want to say that I have gotten my best recipes on the BB even though I am thinking I now have about 1000 cookbooks ( believe it):p

[donleyk]

I just cannot understand this type of greed. I wonder what will be waiting for them in the hereafter.

I am really frightened now! ;) I promise I will give away any other recipes that I am asked for. And I promise not to write peaches when I used a nectarine. :p

[maizeyoats]

Donleyk.
A while back someone started a thread about secret family recipes. Then they talked about some great thing they made BUT don't ask for the recipe she wasn't sharing. That really ticked me off because on this board everyone has been so great. They always come to the rescue and are so gracious in their willingness to share.
I just like to think that the more we give the more we get and hopefully we all get our JUST DESSERTS.

[donleyk]

Agree!

I never gave this subject much thought before and now I have seen the light! :p

This Christmas a friend had some homemade Kahlua and said her future SIL's mother wouldn't share the recipe. That was a gauntlet toss for me. I promptly went to the internet and found a couple of different ones and sent them to her. I hope my friend sends SIL-M some of hers but maybe she isn't vindictive like me ;)

[claire797]

Originally posted by maizeyoats
Donleyk.
A while back someone started a thread about secret family recipes. Then they talked about some great thing they made BUT don't ask for the recipe she wasn't sharing. That really ticked me off because on this board everyone has been so great. They always come to the rescue and are so gracious in their willingness to share.
I just like to think that the more we give the more we get and hopefully we all get our JUST DESSERTS.

Yeah! So THERE!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't understand why people don't share recipes. However, reading this thread has been quite enlightening. I almost wish someone would try to withhold a recipe now so I could probe their psyche or at least, tease the heck out of them.

For all of you who have been put in that awkward situation of having to keep a "family secret", I feel for you even though I haven't had this experience myself. It's easy for me to laugh when I haven't had Old Aunt Hazel pull a gilded notecard out of her safe and entrust me with its contents.

[Laura]

I must admit I have one recipe that I will not share. My dad came up with a bbq sauce many many years ago, thus it is appropriately named "Daddy sauce." Raising a family of 5 girls he said it was the only dowry he had to offer. So the rule in my family is that you don't get the recipe unless you marry into the family. But other than that rule, I don't mind giving out my recipes. I figure it as a form of flattery.