Moral Dilemma

[linsleyd]

Ok, here is the problem. DH's father did not come to our wedding because he felt he would get into arguments with his family (he had just divorced DH's mom, had a new fiancee and no one was happy with him). He did this selfishly because no one was going to get into an argument, people weren't happy with him but not to the point of battles.
Anyway, DH was extremely upset about this, obviously. His father used to beat him and his sisters as well which he has forgiven, I on the other hand am still having a hard time forgiving him.
His father is getting married to this woman in August (they are both unstable people - she still has an apartment in Phila. where she and her daughter basically live and she will continue to keep this apartment when they are married because her daughter doesn't like him.) His father has never seen our house, doesn't bother with birthdays or Christmas, and in general just doesn't both with us unless he goes into one of his depressions and calls DH crying.

Well, his father thinks that we should be at the wedding as does DH. I do not want to go, I hate this man with a passion and why should I go to his wedding when he didn't have the decency to come to ours?

I am having a very hard time with this whole forgiveness thing because I truly do not like him, he is slimy, bigotted, nasty man. Dh understands this and will very reluctantly, at this point, say I don't have to go, but I know as time gets closer he is going to want me to go. Am I in the wrong here? Should I just suck it up and pretend to be happy for them?
(In a way I know this is what I should do but...) Anyone want to give me a good shake and tell me what I should do?

[Angela]

I would have to say go. If your husband can forgive his father for all that he has done to him, then you should be able to as well. Way easier said than done, but I think you should go for your husband's sake. Show him your support.

[SandyM]

Personally I understand your discomfort, but if it were me, I'd go for my husband. You don't have to talk to the old boy.

If you were in your DH's shoes, you'd probably appreciate his support.

Just food for thought! :)

[beacooker]

I really feel that you need to follow your DH's lead on this. If he wants to go, you should be there to support him. I can understand your hating your FIL, but remember that it was DH that was most hurt by his actions. I'm sure that going to the wedding will be very hard on DH, so don't make him have to deal with your feelings besides having to deal with his own.

Hugs to you and DH, this does sound like a very tough and painful situation.

[linsleyd]

I know this and it freakin kills me! I think I just need people to tell me that I should go because I know that is the right thing to do and it will make DH happy blah blah blah....

I think I might have to get drunk before I go! just kidding!

[Angela]

Originally posted by linsleyd

I think I might have to get drunk before I go! just kidding!

Do you have any tranquilizers??

[linsleyd]

Thank you Angela. I just laughed out loud at work!

Thank you all! I know the right thing to do is to go but boy do I ever NOT want to!

Oh well, I guess I just have to be the bigger man here and shut my mouth and go...


:p

[wallycat]

Gosh, everyone is so mature here.....unlike me :)

I was going to say, there's no reason to go. DH can go alone.
I had an "incident" with my sister's wedding and we haven't spoken now for 8 years. I did the "what I ought to" rather than what my gut said, and now the 8-odd year not speaking thing goes on...maybe it's all for the best this way anyhow....
Still....my feeling is, couples marry for each other and it's nice if family and friends can share in the joy....but it is still their day and their joy shouldn't be affected by who wittnesses their union.

I admit I've had lots of family issues and have ALWAYS done the "good thing" and have ALWAYS paid dearly with my emotions/feelings/etc....and as I've gotten older...I just feel, selfish or immature as it may be, that how I feel matters too.

[Jewel]

I agree with everyone else. No matter how hard it is for you, you should remember that it's harder for your husband because he is the one that endured the abuse. The Mother Instinct is coming out in you wanting to fiercely protect your husband from any other harm, but ultimately you can't. It sounds like in some ways, they both are trying to mend the rift between them, which is a good thing.

Look at it from another point of view. If you and your husband don't go to the wedding and other family members do, you both will be looked at as spiteful and unforgiving. If DH goes without you, YOU will be looked at as spiteful. Also, if things didn't go as planned with his father, he would need you with him as support. His father also might be feeling bad about not showing up at your wedding, and this might be his way of making amends. I know you say he is a slimy sort, but even slimy guys have feelings of guilt. ;)

The fact that your husband is willing to go says a great deal to me. If he was the one saying there was no way he would step foot in that church leads me to believe that he wants to take that first step towards building some sort of relationship with his father. Ultimately you need to go with your own decision, but I would say that you need to hold his hand while he takes that first step.

[lsdesign]

Boundries! It is ok to have them, especially when it comes to unstable people. I'd tell DH to go on if he wants and can emotionally handle it. You have to deal with what is in your heart by yourself. Just because DH has worked through some of his stuff doesn't mean you have to be on the same page too. I would keep a courteous distance. I don't think you have to have a relationship with this man. Unstables can't have a healthy one with any one any way.

[MusicMom]

I agree that you should go to support your husband- it sounds like he needs you there.

For what it's worth- my DH had a similar relationship with his alcoholic father, but instead of forgiving him, he rejected him. DH didn't want anything to do with his father, despite my FIL's attempts to reach out. I only met him twice before he passed away and he never knew our DS and DD. He seemed like he wanted to have a relationship with his children and grandchildren, but didn't know how to overcome history and actually make that connection. I felt sorry for him, but he was DH's father and it wasn't my decision to make. I supported my DH even though I wasn't comfortable with the situation. Anyway, that's how I handled the dilemma.

[linsleyd]

Thanks to all of you! I needed a different perspective, it's a tough situation. DH did offer me a compromise that I go for the wedding and tell them I have to work or something so I won't have to go to the reception. so, we will see and I will definetly let you all know how it goes because I guarentee there is going to be some good stories coming out of this!!!:D

[beejayw1]

Originally posted by linsleyd
I am having a very hard time with this whole forgiveness thing because I truly do not like him, he is slimy, bigotted, nasty man. Dh understands this and will very reluctantly, at this point, say I don't have to go, but I know as time gets closer he is going to want me to go. Am I in the wrong here? Should I just suck it up and pretend to be happy for them

Part of the problem is that people seem to think that forgiving someone means saying that what they did somehow wasn't all that bad. They also seem to think that forgiving someone means that you will have 'warm fuzzies' for them.

It might help to realize that your forgiving your FIL (who does indeed sound like a creep) merely means that you acknowledge that what he did to someone you love was horrid and unspeakable, and you resolve not to dwell on it or let it ruin your life. Your DH, who sounds delightful, has done just that.

I wish I could find the quote, but someone said, about a person who treated her horribly, that she realized that holding on to her hatred and resentment was allowing that person and his criminal act to live rent-free in her heart.

So, my suggestion to you: go with DH and be there for him. That's what this is about. You don't have to pretend to be all warm and fuzzy with FIL, because it's a lie. But be courteous, enjoy being with DH's family, and when the ceremony is over, take a deep breath, go home, and go on with your life.

[mochadelsol]

Well said Beejayw1. I agree with going for your DH, it doesn't mean your saying that what FIL has done is right. By going your giving support to DH who probably needs just that. Hope it goes well. My DH has issues with his mom, and it has been very sad to stand by and view this from my side. I truly understand your feelings, you must love your DH very much.

[Angela]

Very well said Diana!!

[HRJ]

Originally posted by beejayw1
So, my suggestion to you: go with DH and be there for him. That's what this is about. You don't have to pretend to be all warm and fuzzy with FIL, because it's a lie. But be courteous, enjoy being with DH's family, and when the ceremony is over, take a deep breath, go home, and go on with your life.

I think Diana put it well.

You don't have to forgive your FIL, or like him. You certainly don't have to pretend to be happy for him -- all you have to manage is to be civil.

This really isn't about you and your FIL -- it's about you and DH. This is DH's family, and if he wants to go, and would like you to be there with him, you should put your distaste for your FIL aside, and offer DH your support.

If it were your family, and you didn't want to go, and DH was trying to force you to attend for some reason, that would be different -- which is why I think this differs from Wallycat's situation with her sister.

The only thing that might change my perspective on this is if FIL has ever directly attacked you, either verbally or physically. I know you're upset that he didn't attend your wedding, but it sounds like he did that because of family issues (his divorce and subsequent engagement) and his own instability, rather than any personal issue with you.

Helene

[lisas3575]

Originally posted by beejayw1

It might help to realize that your forgiving your FIL (who does indeed sound like a creep) merely means that you acknowledge that what he did to someone you love was horrid and unspeakable, and you resolve not to dwell on it or let it ruin your life. Your DH, who sounds delightful, has done just that.

I agree! I know that going to this crappy wedding and forgiving him are two totally seperate issues, but I just wanted to share that it took me 30 years to understand that forgiveness isn't about the other person, it's something I do for me.

If it were me, I'd go, but not for DH. That just opens another door wide to resentment. I'd go with the attitude, "What's the worst that can happen?" It'd be 5 hours (or less) out of my life, I might meet someone that I enjoy, I might start down that road to not stewing on this unhealthy man. If things get bad or I found out that I'd made a mistake in coming, I'd call a friend to come pick me up. By not going I might be denying myself a good experience. Just my .02.

[beejayw1]

Originally posted by lisas3575
I just wanted to share that it took me 30 years to understand that forgiveness isn't about the other person, it's something I do for me.

Well put, Lisa!

[linsleyd]

You guys are great!

I'm not even sure what to say to thank you all. You all gave some great advice, especially Diana (thank you) and I will go and be with DH and his family and I might even wear a smile.

:rolleyes:

See, with some well placed advice I will eventually grow up!

[dcornelius]

What more can be said! The people here have very large hearts and give some very sound advise! As I was reading I kept thinking... D'oh! Now I can't say that!;) Linsleyd, I think you are doing the right thing by going, I think you will be happier with your self in the end. Go with a light heart!

[Canice]

Originally posted by beejayw1
So, my suggestion to you: go with DH and be there for him. That's what this is about. You don't have to pretend to be all warm and fuzzy with FIL, because it's a lie. But be courteous, enjoy being with DH's family, and when the ceremony is over, take a deep breath, go home, and go on with your life.

Well put. I would go out of compassion for DH, if not his father. And I would hope that if I called on my S.O. for that kind of emotional support, it would not be a cause for resentment; seems to me these are the kinds of situations in which you hope to be able to lean on your life partner as on no other. (And this might be another example of the ol, The harder choice to make is usually the better one....)

But wallycat I wanted to say that I do not think you are being remotely "immature" or "selfish" in your perspective! Everyone comes at these things with different life experiences and philosophies, and yours have given you an unequivocal opinion on this situation. I'm glad you shared your view :) .

[dcornelius]

I understand where you are comming from. I too have a comlicated family and seem to do the wrong thing every time(no matter that I thought I was doing what was best at the time). I have come to accept this fact and do what my heart tells me is the right thing and deal with the family concequenses (sp?) later. I feel that if I let God be my guide the end result will always work out for the best.

[boisewinesnob]

Diana said so many wise things!
I just wanted to also suggest leaving as soon as the ceremony is over if you couldn't take it anymore ;) .
My DH never met his "real" father and his mom married his adoptive father when DH was about 4 or 5. My DH's childhood was not happy a lot of the time. His parents both drank too much and his father would get violent. I also had a hard time hearing about that and my FIL is actually someone I really like now (of course he doesn't drink nearly as much any more and I'm not the one he was violent with). But my situation was with my FIL's mother (my MIL's MIL!). She was the most unpleasant person I have ever seen! I can't believe all the crap my own MIL had to put up with from her. Anyways, she didn't come to my wedding either and I had an issue with going to her funeral when she died a couple years ago. I really thought it was a waste of my time and had the self-centered thoughts, "She didn't even come to my wedding...why should I go to her funeral?". But really, I went to the funeral after all, for my FIL and DH. I'm glad I did. I have nothing to feel guilty about now :)

[Beth]

The advise already given is great, so I can only add one thing: there have been a number of family events that I have lived in dread of -- and they are never as bad as I have dreaded. It's usually the ones I don't think about that can blow up.

It is entirely possible that you will go and not have a dreadful time -- maybe even see some other friends or family and enjoy most of the experience. Worst case, you see someone you don't care for at what should be there best and wish them well in a life that isn't yours to deal with and part knowing that you were there for DH, he'll be there for you, and your life is better and stronger because you have done the right thing.

[slawrence]

From experience-my daughter and her dad were estranged for several years (his doing) and when his second wife passed away, my daughter stepped up to the plate and was there for him. He has not been able to verbalize what he should, but we know he appreciates what she has been doing for him. She taught me some great lessons (she is 23) in forgiving and moving on. She was terribly hurt by him and I was afraid they would never see their way back to each other. She is not sorry she has been there for him. She will never regret her actions and it has gone a long way toward healing. It doesn't mean it is all OK, it just means that she is big enough to move on and be there for him. I think you and your husband going will be a good thing for everyone around. It might not be comfortable, but you probably won't regret making the effort. My sister skipping MY wedding, however, (for reasons related to her own disfunctional marriage) will be something SHE will regret. I had a great day, too bad she missed it-but I know she will be the one to suffer the consequences. I vote for go. Sue

[ccooney]

I know a lot of people have already weighed in on this issue, and they all had some very good things to say. Here's my two cents:
this man (your FIL) has no idea how to behave in an appropriate fashion. He certainly could use you to be a role model for him. If he gets that good example will he sit up, take notice, and change his ways? Probably not, but if he doesn't get that good example it is certain he won't have the opportunity to take notice & change.

[mst]

Big hugs for you. This is a tough situation, and I'll bet you will have may more decisions like this in your future. Personally, I am not sure that I would have been able to forgive missing my wedding, but I am glad your husband can.

You can't miss this wedding. Your husband would be disappointed, and it gives all of his relatives a reason to talk about you, and dislike you. I also would not pretend you have work. Just go, leave as early as possible. Try to speak to as few people as possible. Just be glad that through your FIL's mistakes, your DH became a stronger, better person. Honestly, if your FIL had been a nicer person, your husband may not be who he is today. Scary logic, huh?

In my experience, the anticipation is much worse than the event!