When nice kids say ugly things. . .

[Robyncz]

I've found myself irritable with my 3-year-old DD over the past few days. She's having a hard time listening and following directions (all typical 3-year-old stuff) and she's started talking back--not too bad, but enough to annoy me. In response, I've been a little snappy with her, and I always feel bad about it later.

So today, after her nap, she comes out of her room and cuddles up to me. I figure this is a good time to talk about what's been going on. Mainly, I want to apologize for being irritable and explain how important it is that she listen to me and not talk back. So, as my darling child is all snuggled up to me, I ask "Why do you think we've been fighting so much lately?" Her answer: "Probably because I like Daddy better."

Uggggggggggghhhhhhhh. The joys of being a stay-at-home mom. Where do I go with that?

[boisewinesnob]

Robyn
I know all too much how your own kids can break your heart :( . I'm sure others will say this, but at 3 years old, I would try my hardest not to take it personally. I mean, can you remember anything you said to your own mother at that age?
If it keeps up for a really long time, or you just can't take it, you might ask her how she would feel if you told her you liked her sibling better than her (reassuring her that isn't the case, of course); kids at that age are so "me-centered" that they often can't think of how what they say will make other people feel.

Hugs to you :)

[MrsReber]

Wow, that must've hurt! I don't think she meant it all that badly. What she was probably trying to convey was that she spends a lot of time with you. It's more likely that you'll be the one arguing with her because you're together all the time. I know my own DD (2) loves to hang out with daddy and will cry for him after she spends a lot of days with just me. Sometimes we do have very rough days and I'm glad to let daddy take her outside when he gets home. I'm in the office 4 days a week and I spend three days with the kids. DH had been working Saturdays so I'm sure DD would occasionally get tired of me. I have no idea how you handle that, though. She didn't say she didn't love you and I know there will be times in the future that she likes you better than daddy. I think they get fickle around that age when they start to have their own opinions on things. Still, it's not an easy thing to hear that from your child.

[beejayw1]

Originally posted by Robyncz
"Why do you think we've been fighting so much lately?" Her answer: "Probably because I like Daddy better."

Uggggggggggghhhhhhhh. The joys of being a stay-at-home mom. Where do I go with that?

Ewwwww! That's the sort of question you should never ask a child, unless you want to get your feelings hurt! You know very well she doesn't mean it, that she loves you and her daddy with all her heart.

Of course you could do what my father did to me when I was (age 3) in my "I don't LIKE you!!!" phase: He said, "Well, I don't like YOU, either!!!" (Mom was appalled, but in later years she saw the humor of it. I'd been telling everyone that. And it shut me right up!)

[HeatherTx]

I can SO relate to you this week. My 3 yo DD and I have been butting heads all week. She is an angel in the morning and a bear after her nap. I have a 4 yo DS too and yesterday he said "Is there something seriously wrong with her?". It made me giggle enough to get me out of my snappy mood.

Like you...I feel bad when I get so moody with her so we snuggled for a while and talked about hurt feelings etc. It seemed to help us both. Don't let what your DD said hurt your feelings. Hope you (and me) have a better week next week. :)

[lindrusso]

Not sure what help I can offer, but I just wanted to offer you some support. I had a very difficult time with my youngest at that age (tantrums), so I know how frustrating it can be.

First of all I think you need to not look at it as her being ugly. I truly think she's too young to be in that category. However, she is not too young to know that certain words have power and that she can yank your chain with them. I believe the best thing to do would be to remain calm and either pretty much ignore it (to react with anger would let her know she's getting to you and give those words more power) or to calmly tell her that it's not a very nice thing to say. It is important for her to learn that words can hurt people's feelings (to teach them to show respect for everyone), but at this age, I really don't think that's what she's after - she's just pushing boundaries and looking for reactions.

And believe me, I know how hard it is to keep a level head and react calmly, so I know what I'm suggesting is not an easy thing to do!

Hang in there mom! The good thing about this age is that they may tell you they hate you one minute, but the very next minute you're the best mom in the whole world (unlike the teen years where you pretty much get only the hate part, or so I hear)! :)

Alysha :)

[mlr73]

I don't mean to intrude on this thread, as I don't have any children yet. But, a similar thing happened with a good friend of mine who has 2 children. I don't think either of the kids said anything specific as your child did. I think it was more in their actions - cranky and crabby around her, not listening to her and excited and good when their dad got home. My friend felt that they loved the father more. She, too, is a stay at home mom. I told her that I'm sure it wasn't her, but the fact that they didn't see their father as much as they saw her. I think they just missed their father as your daughter might her father (she spends all day with you as opposed to a few hours a day with her father?). And, being 3, she doesn't know how to communicate that very well so, it comes out wrong. I wouldn't take it to heart, although I'm sure it did break your heart to hear it. I'm sure she didn't mean what she said, otherwise she wouldn't have cuddled up to you as she did.

[Terrytx]

I would like to jump in an offer my support also. With 4 boys and 1 girl, I will have to say...bring on the boys. I would take on a huge amount of boys to the one girl! (Though I wouldn't trade her for the world-don't get me wrong). There is just something about little girls and there "daddy's".

beejay's -

"I don't LIKE you!!!" phase: He said, "Well, I don't like YOU, either!!!" (Mom was appalled, but in later years she saw the humor of it. I'd been telling everyone that. And it shut me right up!) -

remark is one that I have made back to my daughter's "ugly" remarks. I will say back that I don't like her right now either, but that I will always love her.

I agree with the others here-try not to let it hurt, though that is asking alot. She doesn't really mean it.

[lindrusso]

Originally posted by mlr73
I told her that I'm sure it wasn't her, but the fact that they didn't see their father as much as they saw her. I think they just missed their father as your daughter might her father (she spends all day with you as opposed to a few hours a day with her father

This happens ALL the time. Daddy isn't around as much, so he's more mysterious, exciting and fun. Since they are not around as often, Dad's tend to back off the discipline - not wanting to be the bad guy for the little time they are around. Mom is around ALL the time - boooorrrriiinggg. :D

There is also another difference I've noticed with many Dads - the time they spend with their kids is not spent juggling a million things at once. My friend's husband commented that it wasn't so hard taking care of the kids! However, he spent one weekend playing with them and wasn't trying to juggle kids, laundry, cooking, errands, school and sports. So Daddy gets labeled "fun" because he is focused more on the playing part.

And don't forget, little girls also have that flirting thing going on with Daddy too. In reverse, I have heard many moms say that their boys were much more lovey dovey than the girls - that Oedipal thing going on.

But bottom line is, they don't mean it. They just want to push buttons and see what happens. :)

Alysha

[Robyncz]

Originally posted by lindrusso
There is also another difference I've noticed with many Dads - the time they spend with their kids is not spent juggling a million things at once. My friend's husband commented that it wasn't so hard taking care of the kids! However, he spent one weekend playing with them and wasn't trying to juggle kids, laundry, cooking, errands, school and sports. So Daddy gets labeled "fun" because he is focused more on the playing part.


Alysha,
My husband actually pointed this out to me. He is a VERY active father and he spends a lot of time with the girls. In fact, he gets in to work a couples hours earlier than everyone else so he can be home at 4:30 every day. Anyway, I recently mentioned that he seemed to be much better at the whole parenting thing. That he never seemed to get as annoyed or frazzled as I do. And he pointed out that his time with the kids is completely focused kid time and I don't have that luxury. I'm doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, paying the bills, running errands, etc. much of the time I'm also dealing with the kids. I thought that was pretty insightful. . .

Thanks, all, for your kind words of encouragement. Yes, I know she loves me. And I know she didn't mean to be "ugly." In fact, she made her comment very matter-of-factly. So I'm sure she wasn't trying to be hurtful, which is probably WHY it hurt so much. I didn't really react to her statement at all. But I may bring it up to her later, after my husband and I have talked about it. I'm still thinking about it.

[sharris315]

If Dad were the one "in the trenches" so to speak everyday--and Mom came in ready to play and with no baggage from the day, it would be No-Hassle Mom who would be the favorite. Aren't we all somewhat like that?

That sweet thing did not mean what she said to be ugly, she was viewing the world in a typical 3-year-old way. Kids are all different, and REACT differently. Try to find ways to downplay the conflicts--such as trying to avoid confrontational situations. You have a lot to teach, but a long time to do it in--and you want to come out of it with a warm relationship.

Enjoy her now (as hard as that seems). Find things to do to bring you together. It's just sooo brief a time! :) But this is never easy.


Shar

[Gail]

I'm sure you were too upset at the time to do what seems so natural to me.

I would've asked "Why do you like Daddy better?" I always liked to try to see things through my son's eyes and try to help him look back through my eyes.

Very likely, the reason would've been something trivial. Daddy let her do something you didn't. Daddy remembered to kiss her teddy bear and you forgot. Daddy likes the same song she likes. Things like that.

I don't know that I'd mention it to her at this point in time because more than likely whatever made her say what she said is now a distant memory. But should it ever happen again-- which I'm guessing probably won't-- the time to handle it would be as soon as it happens.

[TamiKnight]

My 4 1/2 year old granddaughter is an absolute angel--except when she's not. When she's good, she's very good, and when she's bad, she's horrid. She is very verbal about her feelings, and we're all working with her. You've had lots of good advice. Mostly, stay calm and remember this, too, shall pass. I have never been around a child in this general age group who didn't say something like this at some point. When my granddaughter was 3, she got upset with me because I wouldn't let her do something. She walked over to my big, gentle lab, took his giant head in her hands, looked right in his eyes, and said, "I'm sorry you have to live here, Jubes, because you have the meanest grandma in the whole world." It could've broken my heart, but it was too cute. And...I know that 3-year-olds really don't have the subtle mechanisms to express their displeasure in less blunt ways.

[lindrusso]

Originally posted by Robyncz
Anyway, I recently mentioned that he seemed to be much better at the whole parenting thing. That he never seemed to get as annoyed or frazzled as I do. And he pointed out that his time with the kids is completely focused kid time and I don't have that luxury.

He is so right! And how lucky you are that he is so involved and insightful enough to realize the different dynamics going on. There are many DH's that are completely clueless and do not see what is really going on (thankfully my DH is like your's, not the clueless ones). :)

Sometimes I see DH get short with the kids and it makes me feel better. Not that I feel getting short with your kids is something to never try to control, but I figure if he can get irritated with them after only spending a few hours with them, I shouldn't beat myself up about getting irritated with them after spending all day with them. :)

Oh - and I chuckled when you wrote that she said it matter-of-factly. That's one thing that really makes me laugh about kids. They'll say "Mommy, your breath stinks" or whatever. No meanness, just stating the facts. The other day my DS said something about his brother's "beaver teeth". He wasn't saying it tauntingly, that's just how he described his brother's teeth (he's 9 and his front teeth are large compared to his face). I couldn't help but giggle and they both looked at me and said "What's so funny?". I made up some reason, but it just struck me as funny that they could have this exchange with no maliciousness or hurt feelings. Neither one realized that what was said could be considered an insult!

Anyway, it sounds like you have a great perspective on the whole thing. And as someone else said, this too shall pass. Hang in there.

Alysha

[badunnin]

Robyn - remember too that there is a difference between "like" and "love". I know several people who will fully admit that they prefer one parent over the other for whatever reason, based on the circumstance (you daughter may have been feeling hurt and frustrated at the time) but love their parents equally.


{{{{Robyn}}}}

[sneezles]

Robyn,
I'm sorry that you were hurt by this but I've got to tell you that I laughed when I first read your post. I hope this doesn't offend you, too.
I love the honesty of children and the way their honesty can take the "wind out of the sails" so to speak. Of course mine are all past the innocent stage but they still say things very honestly and openly but do use a little more tact, sometimes :rolleyes: !
I've also used the line "I don't like you very much right now, either" with my boys and it really does have an effect on them.
Just remember she really wasn't trying to hurt your feelings!