Self-Improvement Goals, Anyone?

[Natasha]

Lori and I were having a little discussion yesterday, and I’ve been thinking about it. We were talking about self-improvement generally, and specific things we were working on. My list is probably longer than Lori's; she doesn’t need to improve herself much! :D

I thought it was a fascinating topic, and since then I've made a little ad hoc list of areas in which I'd like to improve. I also thought I’d toss the question out to you. What aspects of yourself are you trying to improve? I’m not thinking so much of physical characteristics, or health, or other kinds of goals (e.g., learn to sew, take a German language course, do a triathlon) though sure, go ahead and mention that kind of goal if you like. :) For this purpose, I’m thinking mostly of personality traits and tendencies.

By and large I'm at peace how I have turned out so far, and have a healthy self-image, but of course I could always be better (MUCH better!), and would like to keep becoming better. Here are some of my self-improvement goals that come to mind, though naturally there are others:

1. I'd like to be less of a grudge-holder. I think it’s not necessarily a bad thing to have a long memory with respect to being burned, but I don’t think it’s always healthy to bear a grudge. I wish I could be better at remembering without feeling resentful. Make sense? :)

2. On a related note, I’d like to not dwell on things so much, or worry so much. I think I get the worry gene from my mother! :)

3. I'd like to take some things less personally. While I’m pretty easygoing, I can get sensitive. Some of it has to be with past experiences, so it’s hard to re-train myself at this point, but any improvement would be welcome. :cool:

4. I'd like to be more accepting of certain kinds of things. I think in general I’m quite easygoing and accepting, but I’d like to be even more so.

5. Very occasionally, I get little fits of envy towards others, but fortunately they don't tend to last long and I'm usually very mindful of my good fortune. Still, it would be nice to reduce envy!

I know these are pretty vague, but maybe I'll elaborate later, after I see how this thread progresses!

How about you?

[scout1222]

I am finding lately that I'm pretty passive. I don't think that was ever really an issue, but I'm finding areas of my life (okay, okay, RELATIONSHIPS in particular) where I really could benefit by being more assertive and initiating.

It's not helping that DBF is quite passive as well. That can lead to a frustrating impasse.

[Kayaksoup]

I would like to get past the panic attacks.
I would like to be able to speak my mind.
I would like to be less sensitive (overly).

[lorilei]

OH, but Natasha - you flatter me.
My list of self-improvement "chores" varies by the moment, and gets longer by the day... I'm constantly finding that I need to adjust certain aspects of my personality to get along more efficiently in the world.

Since I've gotten married, I've become acutely aware of my shortcomings. Living with someone who's super easy-going has made me realize how many strange neurosis I really have, I guess :D

I think it's really important to cultivate growth in life -- and I've been thinking about a lot of these things lately. So, thanks Natasha -- for getting my wheels turning.

Currently on my list:

[list=1]
Trying not to be such a worrywort -- This is a HUGE problem for me. Mountains become molehills in a split second with me, and I'm positive it's not good for my health. My husband is a great "trainer" in this regard -- he's super low-key and keeps me on the level.
Practicing constructive self-promotion -- I don't mean that I want to become an obnoxious ego-ist. But, I definitely think that I need to rethink the way I consider myself sometimes. I've spent my life being taught to be super-humble about my talents/accomplishments -- which is a good thing, I think. But lately (especially at work), I'm finding that I don't give myself credit where credit is due -- and I'm afraid it affects the movement in my job.
Allowing things to roll off my back -- I've GOT to get better at this. I let things bother me, and it affects my stress levels. I take things personally at work and it affects my attitude. I need to learn to remember that it's just "small stuff" and move along with my life.
Prioritizing my battles -- I'm a passionate person, which I think is a GOOD thing. But sometimes my passions blaze a bit out of control. And I need to find a happy medium :) Does it REALLY matter that my SIL feeds her kids food that I wouldn't feed my (nonexistent) children? YIKES, Lori. Give it a rest!!! :rolleyes: (oh -- in case you're wondering -- I don't MENTION this to my SIL... but I think about it too often!!)
[/list=1]

[Natasha]

Guess we're the only ones who need self-improvement :o

Natasha :D

[SandyM]

Originally posted by Natasha
Guess we're the only ones who need self-improvement :o

Nope. I'm just working on a long list. :o ;)

[Wendy w]

Originally posted by SandyM


Nope. I'm just working on a long list. :o ;)

Me too. Am going through a phase of much needed self-reflection.

[Gail]

Originally posted by Natasha
Guess we're the only ones who need self-improvement :o

Natasha :D

...or perhaps the only ones who think you need self-improvement...

As for myself, I prefer you to think of me as perfect. :p (insert vomiting sounds)

[Natasha]

O Goddess,

You can't disillusion us admirers by indicating that you have self-improvement needs/goals. Then what would we aspire to? :p

Natasha

P.S. I forgot a self-improvement goal.

6. To stop laughing about Blue Nun. It is, after all, a most respectable beverage.

[jphilg]

Interesting post. Do you all really want to know this much about me? :D This may be a little personal, but it is my list (or a portion thereof:

Jen's Self-Improvement List, Including Items that May Expose Embarrassing Neuroses

1. Find balance with my body. On one hand, I need to lose weight. And I don't think it is ok to just "be ok" with myself 30-40 pounds overweight. But at the same time, I am very very hard on myself about my body, and get into ruts where I think that my body defines who I am. And that is unhealthy, too.

2. Anger management. I am not a hitter. However, if I were not raised in a civilized world, I would be. I have to stifle the urge to hit/shake people more often than I think is healthy. Yes, I have gotten some help for this. But it is an ongoing struggle with me. I have made lots of improvement in the "yelling" arena, so I know that this conscious anger management stuff works, but I do still feel the urge to yell, and I want to get to a place where I can let things roll off a little. I am blessed with the love of amazing people and it is unfair to them not to continue this self-improvement project.

3. Be okay with following my dreams, even if it isn't to an "impressive" or fabulously lucrative place. I love to dream but have trouble with risk. I am trying to work on that.

4. Become a well-dressed woman. I am a Marshalls girl...and I am becoming more and more aware that it shows. And I am also a pretty well paid professional, surrounded by other well paid professionals who jsut seem to have their look together more than I do. I really admire these people, and I think I have the fashion sense to pull it off, but I don't like to shop, so when I need new stuff, I tend to settle rather than keep looking to find things that are classic, well made, stylish, and work on my body. (Also I never want to dress the body I have, I always want to dress the body that I might have if I eat nothing but salad for a few months. So I hold out. And then, well, see # 1).

This seems like a good place to stop. I would like to note that the list used to be longer, and that I have made improvements, which is a great feeling.

Jen

[Natasha]

Jen,

Great list, and I don't see anything even remotely embarrassing. Anyway, you're among friends, so what the heck, right?

Originally posted by jphilg


3. Be okay with following my dreams, even if it isn't to an "impressive" or fabulously lucrative place. I love to dream but have trouble with risk. I am trying to work on that.

Jen

Wow. I could have written this passage. I made a career change a few years ago that involved giving up what many people considered a more "impressive" lifestyle for a more modest one, but it was well worth it to me. Still, I also have trouble with risk, but have so many more dreams that I'd like to come true someday. So I need to start just doing these things, I guess. Starting tomorrow. :)

Natasha

[scout1222]

Ah, yes, I could add that risk one to my list, too.

I have a career change in mind that would probably halve my income.

I'd like to think that "someday when I'm married and thus have a better support network" I will do it. But in reality, I could do it sooner, and without anyone's help.

But it would involve risk and a change in lifestyle. So I get apathetic and do nothing. :rolleyes:

[Natasha]

Scout, I meant to mention this before: that must be frustrating (re: the relationship). I am so conflict-averse that I have had the tendency in the past to let things build up inside me, but in the past few years I've started to let things out more. (Maybe too much! :p) But it's not always easy, I find.

Linda, good luck on achieving all the goals, too. The panic attacks don't sound like fun. :(

Lori, I don't know what to really say that I didn't already say during our discussion yesterday -- except that I think your husband sounds like an awesome Rock of Gibraltar. We all need those sometimes. :)

Natasha

[Kayaksoup]

Thank you for the support and good luck to everyone with their own goals. I just wanted to add to scout, I have the same problem with passivity. That is why one of my goals is to be able to speak my mind. I get so frusterated, I won't say anything, I will just sit and stew. and I am fairly non confrontational (sp). All I need is one slightly sharp, or percieved sharp word (see sensitivity) and I back off faster than anything, when perhaps I shouldn't.

[Gail]

Originally posted by Natasha
O Goddess,

You can't disillusion us admirers by indicating that you have self-improvement needs/goals. Then what would we aspire to? :p

Natasha

P.S. I forgot a self-improvement goal.

6. To stop laughing about Blue Nun. It is, after all, a most respectable beverage.

Oh, I think you can scratch that one off your list... After all, you're not laughing at Blue Nun, per se. You're chuckling fondly in remembrance over the cute-little-old-man-in-Birmingham-who-worshipped-Blue-Nun, which is a whole different thing.

[lorilei]

OK, Gail. This gig's up. Confessional time.

We all know that part of what makes goddesses so cool are their intensive self-improvement programs.

"To make change in the world, one must herself change"... isn't that right???

[aggie94]

Be more flexible. Recognize that not everyone plans out every detail of their lives (even those details that affect me) years in advance, and be more understanding when things come up, plans change, etc. Avoid feeling the need to always be following a schedule, itinerary, or plan.

Be less controlling. Appreciate that there are can be more than one way to accomplish something, and avoid always believing that MY way is the RIGHT way. Be thankful that DH unloaded the dishwasher, or put away the laundry, or went grocery shopping, even if he didn't do it the way I would have done it. Stop acting like I am superwoman and can do it all on my own, then complain about having too much to do and being too busy. Ask for help and really want it.

Be nicer to people. This one sort of speaks for itself. :rolleyes:

That's obviously not all, but these are the most important to me right now.

[Natasha]

Gail,

You're right. So laughing fondly about the man wasn't evil?

And Lori, I know of one place where the Goddess could use the tiniest bit of self-improvement. Ready??

*drumroll*

She LAUGHS at people who eat ice cream at 11 A.M.

Now isn't that shocking?? Or maybe she no longer laughs at such people, now that she's embarked on her self-improvement program.

For the record, yes, she laughed at me, and yes, I was eating ice cream at 11 A.M. But it was Blue Bell ice cream, and I'd heard so much about it from you guys that I had to try it. :p

Seriously, all, don't let our silly banter keep you from sharing your goals/views. :) Please share!

Natasha

[swquilts]

Wow...I do have a few:

1. Stop being so anal about stuff- I'm always going behind DH and closing drawers, cupboards, etc. Picking up stuff, wiping up his messes in the kitchen, cleaning up after his exploits in the kitchen.

2. Be less argumentative?- wasn't sure how to describe this. When we discuss stuff I have a tendency to interrupt and question things which in turn earns me this-:rolleyes:. Maybe its a lack of patience on his part.

3. Be more tolerant of others-I just get frustrated with people that don't use their common sense/brains. :(

[lorilei]

Originally posted by aggie94
Be more flexible. Recognize that not everyone plans out every detail of their lives (even those details that affect me) years in advance, and be more understanding when things come up, plans change, etc. Avoid feeling the need to always be following a schedule, itinerary, or plan.

Be less controlling. Appreciate that there are can be more than one way to accomplish something, and avoid always believing that MY way is the RIGHT way. Be thankful that DH unloaded the dishwasher, or put away the laundry, or went grocery shopping, even if he didn't do it the way I would have done it. Stop acting like I am superwoman and can do it all on my own, then complain about having too much to do and being too busy. Ask for help and really want it.

Be nicer to people. This one sort of speaks for itself. :rolleyes:

That's obviously not all, but these are the most important to me right now.


Eva - It's seriously scary. These words could've ALL come out of my mouth. I guess my list is getting longer (I told you -- by the minute!!)

Yes -- that's right everyone! Lorilei is a rigid, controlling, evil woman.

I hang my head... :o

[scout1222]

Thanks for the kind words, all of you.

Now that we've committed these to writing...


...we're actually gonna have to DO IT!!!

:cool:

[aggie94]

Originally posted by lorilei
Lorilei is a rigid, controlling, evil woman.

Or in my case, just substitute "Eva." :o :rolleyes:

[Gail]

Originally posted by lorilei
..."To make change in the world, one must herself change"... isn't that right???

...and here I thought it was only a matter of sending down a few well-aimed lightening bolts.

Silly me.

[KristinK]

The beginning of my list is definitely not as lighthearted as some other posts (ahem, Gail), but it certainly helps me to write them down.

1. To get over my OCD "tendencies." This pertains to my obsessive exercise and eating habits, as well as to my obsessive neatness. Seriously, I was 45 minutes late to work the other day because cleaning the bathroom mirror got me started on a whole spree. DBF has helped me considerably in this, even though he shares some of my tendencies – though not when it comes to neatness. I now can eat peanut butter and leave home without making the bed, although both are still rare occurrences – but I like to think I’m getting better.

2. To better handle my frustration – or avoid over-reacting. I am very easily frustrated, and I often take it out on the people I love most, namely DBF, my mother and sister. I tend to bottle things up, or ignore them as best as possible. For example, I understand that while that towel on the bathroom floor bothers me, it doesn't bother everyone else as much, and it certainly doesn't take me too much effort to pick it up myself. But eventually, after picking up enough towels or washing enough dirty dishes, I’m apt to burst unexpectedly at the slightest aggravation. Because the trigger often would not even upset me in a different situation, it makes it even more difficult for anyone, including me, to understand what upset me so much. I know it hurts those around me, but I don’t know how to control my unpredictable frustration while I’m still working on not letting the little things smaller bother me. My Mom has that book "Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff" – and for me, it’s much easier said than done.

And on a lighter note...

3. To keep in touch with friends more often – or not blame myself for falling out of touch. Of all my friends, I only talk to my high school best friend on a regular basis. I do miss some of my other high school and college friends, and think about them fairly often, but rarely make an attempt to get in touch. Then again, neither do they. I’ve come to realize that given enough time, not to mention moves to different states, people often grow apart. But that doesn’t mean we can’t take some time to catch up.

4. (Thanks to Susan for this one.) To be more tolerant of people. To be blunt, I have little patience for lack of common sense and certainly lack of common courtesy. After all, I have stupid moments too.

[aggie94]

Originally posted by lorilei
I'm not sure you're really fooling any of us, Eva. I've heard you're a really worthwhile person :)

Ditto. :D

[lorilei]

Originally posted by aggie94
Or in my case, just substitute "Eva." :o :rolleyes:

I'm not sure you're really fooling any of us, Eva. I've heard you're a really worthwhile person :)

[Wendy w]

I saw that too, Gail. I wonder if the board gremlins are at it again. :eek: :p

[Gail]

Now that's an intriguing turn of events. How did Eva manage to quote the post which came after hers? (insert creepy circa 1950's sci fi music)

[Wendy w]

:eek: :eek: :eek:

[Gail]

Apparently they are, Wendy.

Your answer to my post is before my post.

[aggie94]

Alright you guys, enough already. ;) :p

[1MegMeg]

Natasha - What a great thread! Thank you for starting it. For a variety of reasons, self-improvement has been at the front of my brain lately. Hehe, and Eva and Lorilei, maybe we are all secretly the same person because I have the *exact same* issues as you both do.

1. Be less controlling. I am not too bad at home, but lately at work it has been getting a little nutty. I need to realize that other people are capable of doing just as good a job as I am and that I do not have to do everything. The idea of delegating...anything....frightens me. However currently I am: working full time, going to graduate school, and planning a wedding so sooner or later something is going to have to give and I am going have to let other people help (this is an especially scary thought regarding my wedding).

2. Be more flexible. Not everyone is a planner like me, in fact a lot of people seem to be procratinaters. I need to become more relaxed about this because it has definitely sparked an argument or two with FH and I - me wanting exact details, he not being able to provide them.

3. Not take things so personally/not hold a grudge. As type A as I seem (and am), I am also very sensitive and take everything personally. I know it is not good for me and my stress levels. I think I was able to let things go more, I would be happier. Not that I am not happy, I certainly am, but I think it would be better for me.


In my 3 years of being with FH, who is practically my polar opposite personality-wise, I have learned a lot about myself and there are some areas where I have had self improvement. :) Being passionate/opinionated. Passion and opinions are both very important, but I have realized that if the issue is something that truely does not affect me, it's not worth me getting my knickers all in a bundle about. I have become a lot better about this, but there is still room for improvement.

And one thing that is a constant battle for me (but at least I am aware of it now)....justifying myself to other people. The root of this is I care too much what other people think, I don't like people being mad at me or thinking less of me. I should not have to justify my thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. to people, but I find I do. I always try and explain myself. I should have to do that. I should just believe in myself and if people don't like it tough cookies! I am conciously trying to get better about this, but it's hard.

Whee, I didn't anticipate this being so long or so deep. :)

[slknight]

Originally posted by aggie94

Be less controlling. Appreciate that there are can be more than one way to accomplish something, and avoid always believing that MY way is the RIGHT way. Be thankful that DH unloaded the dishwasher, or put away the laundry, or went grocery shopping, even if he didn't do it the way I would have done it. Stop acting like I am superwoman and can do it all on my own, then complain about having too much to do and being too busy. Ask for help and really want it.

Be nicer to people. This one sort of speaks for itself. :rolleyes:



Ditto and ditto! I can be way too controlling and judgmental/critical. Anyone know anything about the Myers-Briggs? Can we just say ISTJ? :o

I'd also like to add:
Be less passive-agressive. I'm particularly bad because I want to be in control, but at the same time, not put anyone out, offend anyone, or seem to be too much of a monster. So instead of telling DH that he should pick his stuff off the floor, I say things like, "gee, this house sure is a mess. I don't believe how messy it is and I have no time to clean it." Then I get in a snit. I'm trying to be more direct and just ask him to pick the stuff up. It really works much better, but is so hard for me.

Don't talk too much/dominate or change the conversation to be about me. I can be really quiet and reserved. But once I get talking, you can't shut me up. Sometimes I come home from group things (like supper club) and realize I probably dominated the whole conversation and most likely everyone was bored but was too polite to tell me. :( In fact, we're all going out tonight and I'm going to try to be quiet.

Those are the ones that come to mind at the moment. I will say that I have become a lot less rigid since I met DH. I used to be a planning freak and have greatly mellowed out in the last 8 years. So it is possible to become more laid back. I was also terribly self-righteous as a teenager. While I am still really controlling (see comments above), I really am much better than I used to be!

[Jessica]

Hmmm...I am an ESFJ but I still manage to be a control freak. Marriage has tamed some of those tendencies but I still like to run the world from my little bungalow in Saint Paul.

Other improvements...

1. Stop swearing. It is a distasteful and unattractive habit and I picked it up from my mother, of all people. Now I feel guilty because my husband never cursed and now he does. It really is a learned trait.

2. Work harder I work for myself and it is easy to slack off here and there. I've always been lazy at heart and this really is my major self-improvement goal.

3.. Dress more nicely I've never cared much for clothes, but like jphilg I realize it matters more as you get older. I hate shopping and I don't even have the incentive to buy clothes for work, since I work at home.

4. Be nicer to the DH I am not always the appreciative and sweet-tempered wife he deserves.

[wallycat]

Maybe I could just say "all of the above" :D :D :rolleyes:

I have quite a few areas I feel could improve and which I am striving to work on, some more succesfully than others.

1. I was shocked to see the "dress better" one here. THis has been on my "to fix me" list since forever. I too care very little for clothing and I resent the fact that people judge you on how you dress/look, but the fact of the matter is they do. I need to live up to my potential. I work out and try to maintain a decent weight but you'd never know it by seeing me in my baggy sweats or gramachi pants :rolleyes: At least I never wear a stained sweatshirt or t-shirt :p

2. What I wouldn't do to stop worrying. I am aware it is a genetic thing and makes it that much harder to work on...

3. I am getting better about talking too much, but I know there's always room for improvement on this.

4. I am a control freak (especially in the kitchen)...I am trying very hard.

5. Not to lose my temper quickly. I tend to get upset easily--but it blows over even faster. If I could just nip it in the bud.

6. Work on trying to keep my house cleaner and a bit more organized.

7. DH would want me to put this on my list: quit buying so many cookbooks/cookware/food :eek: Silly boy.

I'm sure there are other issues I need to deal with, but this is a heavy load on its own.

[Gail]

I KNOW my silly comments have been banished from this thread, and I'm running the risk of receiving my cuffs from Ms. Manners...

but I just had to say that you KNOW it's time to go offline when you're skimming thread titles and read: "Self-improvement goats, anyone?"

I'm gone now.

Honest.

[tbb113]

Originally posted by Gail
I just had to say that you KNOW it's time to go offline when you're skimming thread titles and read: "Self-improvement goats, anyone?"



Gail, don't feel bad. Everytime I see the thread 'sewers anyone' meaning those that sew, I read it as sewers (you know where dirty water goes) :o

I'm working on my goals. I do like alot of the ones posted and may need to consider them for myself.

Tyra

[badunnin]

1. I do not always have to have the last word. I do not know more than anyone else. This particularly applies to my mother. I know it gets under her skin. Even if she is wrong, however, I don't have to correct her.

2. I will stop defending my decisions and my opinions. They are mine. Just because I want to leave the country doesn't mean that I have to justify it to anyone. The only person I am accountable to is myself.

[kwormann]

Be less sensitive...I get my feelings hurt too easily.
Stop trying to paint such a rosy picture ALL of the time...its hard for me to tell parents bad news about their children...I want everything to be great!
Stop wining about not getting enough time with DH
Stop worrying so much I spend WAY too many sleepless night worrying if someone is upset with me...(see above sensitive note)


I know there are lots more, but Im too tired right now to think. I will be adding some later...

[1MegMeg]

Can we just say ISTJ?

hehe, that's what I am too! Yay for ISTJ rulers of the world (ahem, I mean..errr) :)

2. I will stop defending my decisions and my opinions. They are mine. Just because I want to leave the country doesn't mean that I have to justify it to anyone. The only person I am accountable to is myself.

Bethany, I can definitely understand and relate to this. It is one of my biggest issues.

[Wendy w]

Originally posted by tbb113


Gail, don't feel bad. Everytime I see the thread 'sewers anyone' meaning those that sew, I read it as sewers (you know where dirty water goes) :o


Tyra, I read it that way too. :o :o

[Kayaksoup]

Me too:o

[britneyelise]

Okay, here goes:

1. Stop overanalyzing everything that anyone says to me, sometimes a compliment is just a compliment and some times an "offhanded" criticism is not as serious as I think it is.

2. Stop blowing things off after I commit to them. This is an especially bad habit of mine, I hate that I just bail on a lot of things that could potentially be a great time, it is almost as if I am afraid to have too much fun (odd I know).

3. I'm with Bethany on having the last word thing.

4. I am also kind of quick with my temper when it comes to those closest to me, why do I push away the ones I know that care about me the most.

5. I have a few other things that can all be grouped under the "eating" catagory. I am still struggling with a lot of things when it comes to food i.e. eating with others and overanalyzing the caloric content in light beer and things like that. Besides when I get enough of those aformentioned light beers in me, I tend to get up on tables and dance, and that burns those calories off right? :)

Okay, mine are a little serious, but I hope to look back at this post in a year or two and say "yeah, I have been doing better at (blank)" and I am a better person for it.

Shannon

[MusicMom]

A lot of these goals sound familiar. I've had to think about this for a couple of days, but here goes:

1. Forgive myself for mistakes. I'm more forgiving of others than I am of myself.

2. Be more loving toward my mother. I sometimes get irritated with her too easily. I should appreciate her for the person she is and not the person I want her to be. She'll never be an intellectual, wise person, but she is nurturing, kind, and caring.

3. Be less judgemental. People make different choices than I do, but I shouldn't criticize them for it.

4. Be more attentive to DH. We both need to remember sometimes that marriage is all about lifting each other up, not getting bogged down in the details of everyday life.