Revelations

[greysangel]

I posted this on my blog, but thought I would post it here because I think it's important. Sometimes in our personal conquests, we lose sight of perspective and hurt ourselves in the process. I hope someone can relate to this so here goes:

Well, I’ve been kinda quiet around here, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.
I may be strong, but I'm not perfect. I've had my moments, but I have to say I think I've earned better results than what I've got. Oh well…life is a big in your face be-otch. Mom was right with one thing…who the heck ever said that life was fair? After blattin’ and bawling over my lack of week 4 results (yes, I know I’m in week 9, but I’m back-tracking here and it’s taken this long to process), my hub said something that was kind of thought provoking (we love when they do that). He basically told me that 1) I haven't been this small since about 12 and 2) I've never been this healthy. He said that I should not beat myself up so badly about it and just enjoy where I am. To forget about the scale and make the challenges about strength and fitness accomplishments. And finally he made me cry by telling me I'm one sexy mamma even if I never dropped another pound. And you know what? HE'S RIGHT!!!! It's applying this knowledge that is the hard part. I mean, why am I killing myself over this? It's not worth it and it's not oh, I want to go back to eating myself into oblivion and not working out. But I really thought about this. I mean what would my life be like if I were at goal? I would eat healthy 95% of the time and exercise because that's the person I am now. I would feel comfortable in my own skin. Free. I wouldn’t be obsessed over a number, or manipulating food in order to get a temporary body result. So why shouldn't I just accept where I am now, appreciate what I have and work towards achieving supreme fitness? Maybe my body could change if I could first learn to love the size 14 I am? Why not just keep doing what I’m doing instead of the constant questioning of techniques and stuff that I think is #####ing with my head?

There's nothing I've always wanted to do since I was heavy because I'm a totally different person now. If you asked me at 339 pounds what I've always wanted to do, I would have said little things that "normal sized" people take for granted. Things like walking into any clothing store and picking out something, walking into any drugstore for pantyhose, being able to sit in a chair without worrying about it breaking, eating in public without worrying about people staring. Dancing, running, moving with ease and freedom. Now I am living the life I have always wanted. I have the love of my life, I have the ability to communicate with others and share my experiences, I have the freedom of my body and the connection to my spirit. All the things I dream about doing now are things that would be fun, but not dreams per se. Things like getting a tattoo, going to burning man, running races, taking martial arts and tango lessons, doing a modeling session, riding all the rides at the amusement park...all things I will get around to, but not life altering. As for dreams now, I wish to some day be able to dedicate my time to helping others lose weight, get fit, believe in them. I'm not sure how I'll do it or if it will ever be a job, but that's the dream.

So with all these things in mind, I have made a promise to myself to live like I'm at goal which means embracing the size 14 body I have TODAY. That is the only thing that is keeping me from being the me I want to be. Negativity...scale/size obsession...impatience about getting "there" (wherever there is). If I concentrate more on the blessed dissatisfaction that comes with wanting to be stronger/fitter/better and less on the painful dissatisfaction that comes with feeling insecure/inferior/incomplete I am already the me I want to be!!!

Now who’s going to rub their buddhas with me, and think nice loving thoughts about our bodies for a change? Our spirits our strong. We're just trying to match the outside with the inside. We can do it!

[Laura]

JeAnne, I am amazed at your words and your spirit. I have not taken the journey that you have, but often feel myself plagued with similar doubts. Celebrate the woman that you are, because you are amazing.

I working to get there myself. :)

[kirkbyky]

Jeanne,

You never cease to amaze me by what a beautiful person you are.

Kyle

[wallycat]

How beautifully your words echo many women's thoughts!!

I think society has sold (women) a bill of goods that a size 2 is somehow better than a 4 or whatever size it may be. I wonder if that's why no matter what size we are, we always want to be smaller (not all, but most of us).

I think striving for health and being fit is a wonderful goal. Weight-loss and healthy eating are by-products of ensuring our health is our priority.

Thanks for sharing your beautiful thoughts Jeanne :)
and CONGRATULATIONS on all your successes ;)

[colleency]

JeAnne,
You are so amazing. Your story brought tears to my eyes. I imagine your husband is bursting with pride for you. I'm proud of you, and I've never even met you!

Gaining confidence in yourself and your own body is such an amazing and wonderful thing. I'm happy for you, too!

As for size 14, think about what really is sexy and healthy and good and what's just wierd "Cosmo" heroine addict pictures. (I apologize to anyone this offends. I think some of those models look like little drugged stick children.) Wasn't Marilyn Monroe a size 14?

Congratulations on learning to be proud of you!

[stefania4]

I may have to tape your post to my mirror. God bless you.

This past weekend I was at a bridal shower, and saw a friend from church that I hadn't seen for a year or so. She's about 5'3" and had always been heavy, and she has just lost her first 30 pounds (she has another 20 or so to go). She is downright exuberant about buying cute new clothes (and knowing she'll have to buy new ones in another few months when these don't fit anymore), and just revels in the joy of movement.

And on that note, I will NOT procrastinate on going to the gym one more minute - tata!

[Pico]

Jeanne, you have such a gift for reaching others. It's humbling to think of how many people you inspire on this board alone (myself included). In many ways, your attitude, kindness, and determination embody the me I want to be. :)

[SallyCC]

JeAnne,
Wonderfully stated...right from the heart!!

You go girl!!!


Sally

[gabbyh]

JeAnne,

My budda loves you for this post ;-}

~Gail H.

[sneezles]

Originally posted by colleency
As for size 14, think about what really is sexy and healthy and good ...Wasn't Marilyn Monroe a size 14?

I don't know about Marilyn but I do know that Cybil Shephard was a size 12 or 14 back when she was a covergirl! Yet she has the beauty, grace, poise. and self-confidence of a woman who is happy with who she is!
Great blog, JeAnne, definitely words to live by!

[claire797]

Thanks for posting that Jeanne. I think your sentiments express what all of us feel -- no matter what weight we are.

[MrsReber]

As for dreams now, I wish to some day be able to dedicate my time to helping others lose weight, get fit, believe in them. I'm not sure how I'll do it or if it will ever be a job, but that's the dream.

JeAnne, don't you see that you have already achieved this by simply inspiring others on this board? I agree with all the comments here and you are so very right. Rejoice in the moment. Instead of beating yourself up over what you haven't accomplished yet, focus on the things that you have done and the changes that have been made. In so many ways, we are all lucky individuals, in charge of our own lives in the greatest country there is.

[cangoss]

JeAnne
I've been lurking on your threads and your life over the last two years or so. You have been such an inspiration to me and so many others. I'm really happy for you that you've decided to be happy with your success. You've worked so hard and you deserve to be happy. I've been up and down on the weight scale and I'm currently working with a dietician on a plan that really seems livable to me; my goal is similar to the goal you've reached - to be happy with my body. I'm not there yet but I know that I'll be happy long before I reach a size 6.

Candace

[HealthyinMN]

What an amazing story! Thanks for sharing that with all of us!

[KristinK]

JeAnne, you truly are an inspiring and beautiful person. Thanks for sharing your revelations with us. I wish you all the best as you embrace your newfound positive spirit.

[ReneeV]

Wow! Congratulations on your success and the day to day living with that success. Maybe that's what enlightenment is all about. Learning to be happy in the moment, in yourself and in your life.


Renée

[kim21]

Beautiful. Amen. What better gift can we give to the universe than to love and honor ourselves completely as we are right now. Be well, Kim

[lindrusso]

Originally posted by greysangel
I mean what would my life be like if I were at goal? I would eat healthy 95% of the time and exercise because that's the person I am now. I would feel comfortable in my own skin. Free. I wouldn’t be obsessed over a number, or manipulating food in order to get a temporary body result.

If I concentrate more on the blessed dissatisfaction that comes with wanting to be stronger/fitter/better and less on the painful dissatisfaction that comes with feeling insecure/inferior/incomplete I am already the me I want to be!!!

You have definitely hit the nail on the head here JeAnne. I'm going to take this a step further. It is perhaps more important than you realize to accept yourself at the size you are now because reaching goal does not bring about an automatic positive body-image.

Being at goal does not guarantee that you will be comfortable in your own skin, or free, or that you'll stop obsessing. People of all sizes do this. I did this when I was 95 pounds in high school. I did this when I was 150 pounds (which at my height is creeping toward the obese end of the chart) after my first child was born. And, today at 115 pounds, a very respectable weight for my age and height, I STILL do it. I would say I'm comfortable in my own skin in general, but I still tend to obsess about numbers, the scale, my saddle bags, etc.

And I know it's not just me. It's a huge problem for many women - even those that others hold as their supposed ideal. I am getting better about it, but I still have to work hard to be happy with where I am.

So, I just wanted to say that if you can accomplish this BEFORE you reach goal, you will be giving yourself a most wonderful gift.

Thank you for sharing.

Alysha :)

[Jessica]

JeAnne--You know, I think of myself as a writer and then I read your words and think, "That woman can WRITE." You tell it from the heart and that is the key to inspiring yourself and motivating others. One day, the two of us can write a book :)

Alysha is absolutely correct. Thin does not equate with a good body image, so we might as well learn to love ourselves the way we are now.

Just to clear the record, Marilyn and Cybill did wear 12s, but they wore 12s from a different era. I think the size translates to about an 8--certainly smaller than current models.

[greysangel]

Originally posted by Jessica
One day, the two of us can write a book :)



I would love to actually :D That's why I have my blog going...maybe someday it would make a nice journey/story :)

JeAnne

[pbutterfly]

*THUNDEROUS ROUND OF APPLAUSE!!!*

You were right, this did help me to hear again today. :) As usual, you're an inspiration.

And, I fully concur with everyone else - feeling comfortable in our own skins is something we CAN'T AFFORD TO WAIT on - and it won't come magically by simply "getting to goal" (or some 'magic number' on the scale).

That said, I'm not yet the 'me I want to be' (mentally and emotionally, not just physically). I'm working on it. I'm leaps and bounds closer to her than I was a year ago (or even 6 months ago).

Being that much closer is its own cause for celebration.

As is your AMAZING breakthrough in this blog.

:)
congratulations, JeAnne. You've succeeded in so many ways, including one of the most important. And MrsReber is right - you're fulfilling part of your dream by helping all of us around here.

my thanks
lynne

[badunnin]

Originally posted by pbutterfly
And, I fully concur with everyone else - feeling comfortable in our own skins is something we CAN'T AFFORD TO WAIT on - and it won't come magically by simply "getting to goal" (or some 'magic number' on the scale).


Lynne - I'm comfortable in my own skin - it's my jeans I'm having issues with right now. ;) :p

Seriously, I am very happy with myself. Like most people, it took a long, long time and it was a difficult journey. For me, it was relationships that was my "weight problem." It took 2 years of being single, no BF, nothing, to get to the point that I LIKE myself enough that I'm comfortable with my status. And, along with weight, I think that the importance of being in a relationship has been imposed upon women as being the way to be. We need to be thin and we need to have a man (or woman) in order to be happy and accepted in this society.

[lorilei]

I just have to comment...

First, to thank JeAnne for saying something that's really and truly important -- THANK YOU. And thanks to Alysha for further bringing the point home.



And two -- just to reinforce something that I don't think we think about enough.

There is NOTHING wrong with being a size 14. Or a 12. Or a 16. Plenty of people are healthy at weights that put them in this size range. People are beautiful at these weights.

I mention this because I get the feeling that even when we're talking like this, that we really don't believe it's OK to be the sizes we are.

I've begun to truly detest the focus that we place on appearances/weights/outsides. SO little of this matters. And it has so little to do with how long we'll live -- or what kind of people we are.


It's good to take note of the moments when the focus switches back to what's really important.