Mars and Venus

[greysangel]

I'm really curious to hear how people/ladies here deal with arguments with SOs. DH and I hardly ever fight so when it happens...1)it's usually stupid 2)I feel like utter cr@p (he probably does to but manages better.

After being married over 3.5 years, you would think that we would be able to resolve an argument or talk it out. But I like to rehash everything and uber communicate it all and DH likes to go away and brood for a bit and then pretend it didn't happen. No apologies whatever. What ends up happening is he usually goes to brood and then I try to drag an apology out of him, by bringing my apology to the table first.

But:

1)I hate always having to be the one to apologize first especially when I think I'm right and
2)I hate feeling all depressed and sad while DH is brooding/mad at himself


Does it ever get easier? Is there a way to compromise with resolving styles? Should I give in because it's just not worth it to stay angry?

What do you do?

J

[greysangel]

guess I'm the only one that argues :D

[slknight]

Originally posted by greysangel
guess I'm the only one that argues :D

No, you're not. :o I'm just really tired right now and can't think of anything profound to say. :rolleyes:

FWIW, I'm usually the one who apologizes too.

[Terrytx]

I argue and raise my voice like a real true b..ch, he gets all defensive and makes me feel horrible. He will not argue either. Mine does about the same as yours, broods and gets quiet, then lets it blow over. I've been married to him for almost 22 years, and it has always been the same.

[greysangel]

at least I feel I'm not alone :) So I guess there is never a magical compromise? lol :D

j

[clairea]

Originally posted by greysangel
guess I'm the only one that argues :D

Nope! And I'm pretty sure it never stops. What has helped DH and I some is to talk about why we react to a disagreement the way we do. I still want to talk everything to death, and he still wants to just move on and pretend nothing happened, and I don't think we will ever change those characteristics. At least now, though, I know that his attitude doesn't mean he doesn't care, but just that he doesn't want to spend anymore time on the unpleasantness, and he knows that my wanting to keep talking is because I want to try and fix things, not because I am holding a grudge or trying to make him feel bad. So while I still sometimes get my feelings hurt, and he gets sick of talking and listening, when we take a step back we have a better understanding of what is going on.

Claire

[KristinK]

Bear in mind that we've only been *dating* three years...

We rarely argue, and like you, JeAnne, it's usually over something stupid. But when we first started dating, our different "styles" were really apparent. We were immature 20-year-olds, and our arguments are only one sign of how much we've matured together.

By now, we've learned each other's boiling points, which was a much harder task for DBF, considering I am very easily upset or frustrated (conquering this is a work-in-progress for me). But when something does end in a fight, we both need time to be alone and cool down. Because my cooling down period is much shorter than his, I either give him extra time or wait for him to come to me. We both apologize, regardless of whose fault it is, because we're both usually sorry that we even let a fight get started. After that, however, I'm more like your DH, in that after an apology and a hug, I'm ready to move on. I don't need a big discussion - I know why we fought, and more importantly, I know we still love each other. DBF, on the other hand, likes to talk it out and make sure we clear the air. So that's the way we do it, because as much as I am ready for it to be over, it's much better for us to open up about any underlying issues. What a sensitive guy I have, huh?

[Ms. Chevious]

For a totally off the wall response....I don't argue. Not married but had a serious boyfriend for many many years that was, believe me, like being married (for better or worse! :rolleyes: ). I refuse to argue - about anything. We really got along well and almost never had cause to argue but yes, I would get mad at certain things he would do but I simply CAN NOT stand arguing and won't do it. I would leave and get over it myself. I hate rehashing things, talking things out, etc. I get over it and move on. Weird, I know. In all of my relationships, either with friends, family or whoever - if someone wants to argue about anything, chances are they will lose me - I won't be a part of it, in any way.

Doesn't help answer your question I know but just thought I'd through in my completely weird perspective! :D I'm guessing your husband maybe just doesn't like arguing and would rather move on and forget it about it instead of beating it to death but I really don't know.

[HealthyinMN]

Originally posted by slknight
FWIW, I'm usually the one who apologizes too.

Same here... Its rare that we end up fighting, and its usually about something silly when we do.... It just seems easier for me to apologize (even if I was right) just to get the tension that ends up being around to go away. He usually admits he was in the wrong after but he rarely says anything first....

:)

[lorilei]

I must admit -- DH and I don't argue a WHOLE lot. We're very good friends and very seldom differ in our opinions. But we do have blow-ups occasionally -- usually based on some sort of emotional turmoil or an over-reaction to a small thing.

It helped DH and I to have a discussion about arguing -- at a time when we weren't arguing. We talked about how we don't want to have hard feelings toward one another, and kind of set some ground rules for our "discussions" -- stopping to LISTEN to one another, arguing often enough that we don't get into BIG blow-ups, mutually apologising to one another when the argument is resolved.

We have different styles -- DH is an "avoider", so he usually wants to bow out of arguments before they're resolved. I'm a "problem solver" so I want to talk until we're both blue in the face and everything has been settled. So, generally, we run into the most trouble when one of us refuses to back down from our "style" enough to be productive.

MY philosophy is that the marriage is worth more than whatever we're arguing about -- so I'm liberal with my apologies, and I don't like to stay angry. It's not worth it to me. We both respect one another utterly -- and so there's no need for me to be obnoxious and prideful at the expense of our relationship -- IMO.


You might be questioning what I said above -- about us deciding to argue OFTEN. We got the idea from an article I read in Real Simple magazine -- about how couples are generally healthier if they argue MORE OFTEN. They say couples who rarely argue generally get into big blow-ups and hurt one another's feelings more intensely than if partners have more frequent "squabbles" and make sure they resolve them regularly. Makes sense to me -- though I'll admit it's a bit of a weird choice to choose to fight "more often" :)

[SandyM]

I'd rather eat okra than have an argument. With anyone. (I really, strongly dislike okra. ;) )

We're not very good at arguing - fortunately it doesn't happen very often. And rarely does it last overnight. (Yes, we've gone to bed angry - sometimes you just can NOT work it out before bedtime. At least, IMO.) The Libra in me would rather scoop it under the carpet until it finally festers, and then when it festers, I want to beat it to death until we're both exhausted. :rolleyes: He's a brooder also, which is infuriating sometimes. Other times, I just let him brood. Alone. :p

I used to hate being the one to apologize first (when I knew I was right ;) ) - but that just caused more hearburn for me than it was worth. As Lori said, the marriage is more important than whatever issue we're arguing about. Harmony is of utmost importance to me, and I too am liberal with the apologies.

I figure, we've lasted 16 years, and we've both been through a lot in those years that may have caused others to give up. We're probably doing something right. ;)

[Kayaksoup]

I spent the first two years not arguing and so did DBF. But eventually, things that irritate you a little, but you push down because you don't want to start anything, come out. After We had a huge blowout where every little thing that bugs us came out in a less than pleasant way, we decided it was best to get it out when it upsets us and not bottle it in.
We don't fight much now, although I often get hurt and defensive when DBF is trying to hold up his end of the bargain. I cry, then I apologise for crying, he apologises for making me cry and we get on with our lives....
This usually happens when I'm PMSing too. Hmmmm.

[Luiza]

I definitely know what you are talking about (and last night was an example of this). Two things generally help me: 1) Say what I have to say ONCE (OK, maybe twice) and 2) Tell him what I'd like him to say.

The first comes because, if DH hears something he doesn't like, he will not answer, not even to acknowledge what I said. As a result, I have the tendency to repeat myself and rehash the problem in various ways to be sure he understood :rolleyes: Then he gets unhappy about being nagged, closes up, and hides in a corner to brood. This leads to an apology and a lot of guilt on my part, which makes me feel even worse than when it all started. I have found it to be much better to say things once then stay silent. More often than not he will think about it and come back with a comment some time later. And if he doesn't, I tell myself that he definitely heard me and will take this into consideration in the future (which he does). By the same token, if he comes home really unhappy, I learned that it's not worth it to drag the problem out of him. If he doesn't respond to my initial prompting, I drop it; invariably, he tells me the problem after he calms down. Figuring this out has saved me a lot of stress and worry.

Now, for the second part. Telling him what I'd like him to say might sound like a cop-out (after all, isn't he supposed to figure that out?), but I found out that sometimes this is the only way he gets a clue what my problem actually is. Most of the time I just want him to acknowledge my unhappiness (caused by whatever reason) and provide some comfort, but this need of mine is not obvious to him. Telling him straight out (as soon as I figure out what I need to hear, of course ;) ) clarifies matters enormously.

This post is getting a bit too long here. Obviously, I think too much on the subject. We argue very rarely (and usually about silly things, when we are hungry, or when I'm PMSing), but any argument is one too many, because I'm not happy with myself afterward. This being said, we've been together 9 years, and it does get easier. On DH's side, he learned not to try to convince me that I'm brilliant, beautiful and amazing whenever I get into a self-disliking mood; his statements made me feel like a fraud and worsen my mood. Now he just teases me out of this mood, which works much better :)

[greysangel]

Thank you everyone for all your responses!!

I have to say Luiza, what you wrote is practically me to a tee...down to the whole repeating and then rehash and guilt blah blah and then the "all I really want".

We argue once in a great while and it is almost always STUPID. This one was over him making a joke about being forced to come with me to look at dresses which turned into a whole big bruhaha because he didn't come out and say he didn't want to go, but insinuated he didn't. I then feel like if he goes it's some huge sacrifice on his part instead of 1)just saying he doesn't want to go or 2)going because I want him to go, but just shutting up about it. Either 1 or 2 were fine, but to make this big song and dance to try to get out of it without coming out and saying that really made me hurt. GR. So anyway it's all better now. I did end up "caving in" and calling him, but he sort of apologized by saying he didn't mean to come across the way he did. Why he couldn't say that last night and end the argument there is beyone me :rolleyes: but at least it's over. He even came up to meet me for lunch which was a nice touch :o :)

You all really don't know how much I appreciate this. My parents' history isn't something I would repeat and I don't have a lot of female friends so it helps to hear that it's all "normal". :P

J

[Luiza]

Heh. I know that type of argument. Somethimes DH and I we'll have arguments over his "I'll try..." statements. I know by now that "I'll try" means "I don't have any intention of doing it, but if I say so you'll be upset and try to convince me to do it, which wastes time and energy." And when I call him on that, he gets indignant because "I said I'll try!" :p

Well, I figure I'm no prize either. DH just told me a few minutes ago "I was thinking about it, and I just realized that last night you were looking for a quarrel." :D

[wallycat]

DH and I have had TWO HUGE--MAJOR, MAJOR fights (so far :o ) and that was within the first 6 months of being married..the first one after a week :eek:

Since then, I've either matured or mellowed (or both :p ) and less tends to upset me...on the major stuff. I agree, it's the little things that, if I'm in a PMS-y mood, can set me off.

I have to agree that I have to tell DH what to say--like Luiza posted.
The first time I thought it was stupid because I thought, "well, if he really was sorry or if he REALLY understood, I wouldn't hve to ASK him, he'd just know..." but that sort of thinking is what I think gets a lot of couples in trouble, because I don't think anyone can "know" what the other needs, wants or expects.

So, the first time, I looked at him and said, "say you're sorry." He did a double take. "I said, say you're sorry." He said he was but added some small comment. I restated.."Say you are sorry to me, you hurt my feelings." I think he realized that I wasn't joking and needed to hear it. THen I said "Do you mean it?" And he did...of course, it wouldn't have been the way he went about it, but i hate that icky feeling of a rift.

So now, all I have to do is just look at him and say "say you're sorry" and the background of it is enough that he realizes that no matter how petty whatever it was may have been, my feelings were hurt and they need repair. He smiles, says he's sorry and we hug right away.

I hope that's as bad as it ever gets because if our fights had been like those first two doozies...I think I'd live alone :rolleyes: with cats :D ;)

[Gilgamesh37]

DBF and I rarely fight. I can only think of 2 major ones—one of which involved large amounts of alcohol,:o and the other which was just a few days before we bought our house (into which we were going to move together), so we were both under lots of stress—although that one was nasty enough that DBF seriously considered ending our relationship altogether.

Anyway, for us, it seems like what leads to problems is when we haven’t fully disclosed to the other what we’re thinking or how we’re thinking about something. Left to our own devices in trying to extrapolate the other’s position, we’re nearly always wrong, and when we then act on that misinformation, bad things happen. So, essentially, we’ve learned to talk to each other better, and to ASK when we feel we’re in the dark. For us that seems to be sufficient—we’ve both been married previously, and having each witnessed a decent relationship that crashed and burned despite our best efforts, I think as individuals we’re each willing to let tons of stuff go that I see other couples wage pitched battles over. I listened to a co-worker once describe an extended screaming argument she had with her DH because he left a glass sitting on the kitchen counter instead of putting it in the dishwasher. Granted, I know it’s the little things over the course of years and years that will drive you mad, but still….I’d rather take 15 seconds and put it in the dishwasher myself than spend an hour yelling at my beloved. But that’s us, and your mileage may vary.

[KristinK]

Originally posted by greysangel
You all really don't know how much I appreciate this. My parents' history isn't something I would repeat and I don't have a lot of female friends so it helps to hear that it's all "normal".
(((((JeAnne)))))

Of course it's normal. My parents have had a very happy marriage, and honestly, I can only remember one fight between them, and even as a child, I knew it was incredibly silly. It was over the Christmas tree lights, of all things. Even the best relationships and marriages have to deal with the occasional disagreement or petty fight. It doesn't change the way you feel about each other.

Like you, I'm always glad I can find some understanding female voices here. And unlike real-life friends, you know they'll only offer their honest opinions.

I'm happy to hear that you're feeling better now :)

[boisewinesnob]

Sorry to be the weird one here; JeAnne, you are normal, I am the oddball. I am just like your DH :o . I prefer to just drop the subject and my DH is the one who always wants to talk about everything until he runs out of wind, I guess. Of course, I seem to be able to "talk" a lot here ;) .

[Chefzhat]

It's so heartening to see that so many of us would classify our relationships as peaceful ones. I am proud of us all!

We don't fight either - much as I'd sometimes want one, h*ll would freeze over before my dh would argue with me. He's just not the type, and I'm generally easy going myself so between the two of us we giggle ourselves out of any possible argument before it gets going.

Three cheers for all of us!

Debie

[Beth]

Originally posted by KristinK
It was over the Christmas tree lights, of all things.

DH and I nearly repeated that scene the first Christmas we were together, but we saw it someing and decided that hence forth -- only one of us would put lights on the Christmas tree. We can paint, hang wallpaper or whatever together, but we don't try the tree lights. ;)

[seathyme]

Another one who apologizes first, because I have a lower tolerance for that "icky rift" feeling. I'm miserable when we're having an argument, so unless I just can't choke the apology out, I find a way to do it. Don't think we'll make it into any Good Communication textbooks! But in my first marriage we almost never argued at all, and yet it was a far less sastisfying relationship. So I take the communication gurus with a grain of salt. We are truly happy most of the time, punctuated by the occasional blowout, and for better or worse it works.

By the way, I just love that scene from A Fish Called Wanda in which Kevin Kline is sitting in the car preparing an apology he doesn't want to make. "I'm s....," he tries to say. "I'm really s...." "I'm really really really sor......" "F**** YOU!!!!" :D :D

[Randi R]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by seathyme
[B]Another one who apologizes first, because I have a lower tolerance for that "icky rift" feeling. I'm miserable when we're having an argument, so unless I just can't choke the apology out, I find a way to do it. Don't think we'll make it into any Good Communication textbooks! But in my first marriage we almost never argued at all, and yet it was a far less sastisfying relationship. So I take the communication gurus with a grain of salt. We are truly happy most of the time, punctuated by the occasional blowout, and for better or worse it works.

I'm needing this thread in a big way. Just feeling a little bit like Kevin Kstner right now, I can't choke out the apology (how come it's never DBF who has to do that?? is it a woman thing?) -- just wondering how to get those words out when this time at least, I don't have anything to apologize for? (that may be a first, but...) whatdoes anyone else do?

[HejazSunKat]

Originally posted by greysangel
You all really don't know how much I appreciate this. My parents' history isn't something I would repeat and I don't have a lot of female friends so it helps to hear that it's all "normal". :P
J

Oh very normal. I've always thought it's not the fact that you have conflict but how you handle it that makes a happy or an unhappy marriage. Some people think that if you fight at all the marriage is doomed, that happy couples never fight. WRONG! People who live together are going to get on each other nerves from time to time - it's natural.

I've been married for 5 and a half years but we've been a couple now for 19. Usually when we get on each other's nerves one of us will somehow communicate snarkily what a jerk the other is being and it all blows over. We rarely have big blow-outs but when it happens my husband tends to be like a summer storm - a whole lotta sound and fury but very little substance and, here's the key: Neither of us EVER says anything hurtful or derogatory to the other in the heat of battle.

I've learned I can't compete in decibel value with my husband in a rage so I don't bother. I just let him get it out and then when I feel the time is right I state my case and tell him what's on my mind. Once he's rational again he can listen and even if he is outwardly poo-pooing what I'm saying I know it's being heard. I have a long fuse but he's learned over the years when he's really, really crossed the line and he'd better reign it in on the double. I rarely get apologies in so many words but there are all kinds of apologies, not just verbal ones and I can generally tell when he's acknowleding he's been a jerk. I'm usually the one to cough up the apologies first too in the interests of getting the thing talked about and resolved, even if I don't think I'm wrong. I figure lowering my pride first because I love him and want my marriage to succeed is worth it.