ISO Advice from Older Moms [Archive] - CookingLight.com Community

Jessica

10-09-2003, 01:28 PM

MrsReber

10-09-2003, 01:32 PM

"Old"?!?! Surely, your not serious?!!? I was 30 when I got pregnant and 31 when I had my first. I was pregnant again soon after and gave birth to my second at 32 (almost 33). That is hardly old by today's standards and I wouldn't worry about it. The doctor may send you for more tests if you are over the age of 35, but there are millions of women who give birth to children in their late 30's and early 40's who haven't had problems at all. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Anyone who is giving you negative feedback is obviously not very well informed. You need to be healthy. 33-34 is still relatively young. There are plenty of women who had troubles having children in their 20's. As long as you are in good health, I see no reason why you shouldn't have a healthy child. My step mother was 33 when she had her first and 38 when she had her second. No problems. I have a friend whose mother was 50 when she had her! I wouldn't intentionally try it myself at that age, but it can be done!

Terri-Lynn

10-09-2003, 01:35 PM

My goal was always to start my family at 30, and I am now 36 with a 5 year old and a 3 year old. I did not experience anything out of the ordinary during pregnancy and had no problems with conception after 30 as well.

Good luck!

Terri

slknight

10-09-2003, 01:39 PM

No, I really don't think it's that old. I turned 33 in March, and had Alex a month later.:D In fact, most of my friends who are having their first are either my age or older.

Beth H

10-09-2003, 01:47 PM

OK, DH and I are thinking about trying to conceive in the spring. We haven't told very many people about this and don't really intend to spread the word until I am actually pregnant, but some of the reaction I've received is very negative due to my age. I am 32 and would be 33 or 34 when this baby is born, assuming I can get pregnant. That doesn't strike me as ridiculously old and we just weren't ready to have kids any earlier.

I'm 33 and my DH and are I trying as well. All of my college friends (same age) have just had their first children within the last year or two. Most of these friends have not had difficulties conceiving, and in fact they all conceived faster than they thought they would.

Here's a link to a recent article in the NY Times that actually discusses how unusual it is in New York for women to have children in their early twenties (the author of this piece is 24):

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/10/05/fashion/05VIEW.html

My DH and I have been married for seven, going on eight years. I think my friends and family all believe that we dislike children or something. As you said, we just weren't ready before now, and I'm not really sure we are ready now. :)

wallycat

10-09-2003, 01:48 PM

I don't have kids but my mom was 36. No drugs or anything and I am a twin (fraternal)...and this was waaaaaaaaaaaay back in the late 50's
:D ;)

Good luck !!

lhall

10-09-2003, 01:49 PM

That's not that old.

I was 29 when I had my first (I did want one before I turned 30) and 32 when I had my second. I didn't have any problems at all.

Leigh

funnybone

10-09-2003, 01:55 PM

OLD? You've got to be kidding. Okay so I was younger when I had mine - my first was born when I was 27, but I had already been married for 5 years. So many people wait well into their thirties to start families. I don't think there is a magic age. Sure as you get older it gets harder to conceive (or so they say) but you have to do what is right for YOU.

heide

10-09-2003, 02:09 PM

Jessica, I've been thinking about this lots, myself, because I'm almost 35 (in 3 weeks) and DH and I are thinking of trying to conceive next year too, so I'll be at least 36 when I have my first child. Anyway, everything I've read or heard is that age related problems don't really hit until after age 35, so at 33 you really are still pretty young.

At this point, don't start worrying about things that really shouldn't apply at your age. In addition, any true age related concerns you have, you should share with your doctor. For reassurance, at the very least. Those who are telling you you're too old at 33 are uninformed. You should be fine.

Terrytx

10-09-2003, 02:14 PM

another "old" Mom here. My 3rd DS was born when I was 34 anf the last DS was born when I was 37. I had absolutely no problems at all, and they were and are happy, healthy children.

Gail

10-09-2003, 02:24 PM

So what do you need to know? I was 37 when I had my one-and-only. A friend of mine (same age) gave birth to her second within a few months of mine. Another two friends had their first children at 38-- another friend was about to turn forty...

Is it strange to have a child at your age? What's strange about choosing motherhood when you feel you're ready?

I remember only one comment about my age, which frankly I thought was amusing. It came from a 21-year-old, who was also pregnant and heard to be discussing my condition with a co-worker. "But she's so OLD..." she protested, as though it was the weirdest thing she'd ever heard of in her life. I figured she simply hadn't lived long enough to have heard anything weirder. :p

ReneeV

10-09-2003, 02:24 PM

Hi Jessica,

I had my first at 34 and my second at 36. I had some problems with the first which were NOT age related. I had pre-eclampsia, but everything turned out fine! He's a healthy, happy 6 year old now. No problems at all with my 2nd.

Early thirties is still a very healthy age for children. Increases in age related problems really don't get serious until after age 40. The increase in problems between age 25 and 35 is miniscule.

Hope this helps,

SueK

10-09-2003, 02:33 PM

Well, I'm 38 years old and about to have my 2nd one in 4 days (or less). And this pregnancy went MUCH more smoothly than the first one, when I was 31. Difficulty conceiving this time wasn't an issue either, as this was a complete surprise to us.

So, although age is certainly a factor in everything, it doesn't mean you'll have a rough time of it if you're "older". (I sure don't consider you to be older at only 32!):)

sharris315

10-09-2003, 02:59 PM

A friend just delivered TWINS--5 lbs each--about a week ago...Everybody is doing great. (SHE IS 36 :) )

I was 36--no problems. If you're healthy, being over thirty is no problem. It sure changes your life, though. :D

Shar

RunnerKim

10-09-2003, 03:36 PM

I'll chime in with the your not old to be having kids. I thought for sure you'd be at least 40 to be making a comment like that. I was a month shy of 30 when I had Lainey (who's now a year). Now is when my contemporaries are having their kids (college roommate just had her first a couple of weeks ago). As a demographic trend - child bearing is happening later. I doubt your doctor would even mention age as a concern at this point.

Kim

clairea

10-09-2003, 03:58 PM

Another vote that you are not old! I had DS at 27 and DD at 29, but now I am younger than the moms of all their friends, and my friends who are around my age (33) are mostly just starting to have kids. It seems like most people didn't even consider having kids until they were at least 30, and I actually get a fair number of comments that is is strange that we had kids so young:rolleyes:. When I was pregnant with DD ,there was another pregnant woman in my office who was 45, and her pregnancy was actually much smoother than mine (which had several complications).

Claire

Jessica

10-09-2003, 04:09 PM

I must be living in some alternate universe. Most of my friends (the ones who plan to have kids) had their children in their mid to late 20s. The ones who didn't only waited because they were not yet married. People just seem to assume that DH and I don't want children--we've been together 11 years and married 4.

I am glad to hear this is not some sort of strange thing.

badunnin

10-09-2003, 04:19 PM

Just butting in to say oldER ladies, oldER, not old. ;)

jrichards

10-09-2003, 04:23 PM

I don't think it's strange. However, I'm 32, have been married for over 6 years, and have zero desire to have kids yet. All my friends are on baby #1 or #2 already.

In general, I have found the same type of reaction though. Why aren't you having kids? Do you have fertility issues? Do you not like children? Are you having marital problems? You've been married for a long time to have no kids! You should get started - kids take a lot of energy. You should think about babies soon, you're age is getting up there and you could have problems. Didn't you know your risks increase for pregnancy problems as you get older? SO ON AND SO ON! It gets frustrating. Total strangers will ask me these things (like when I'm on an airplane). My friends know my position and stance and don't pressure me (as does my family). However, general acquantainces and co-workers are also all guilty of the comments above.

BethH - is it possible to copy/paste the NY Times text, or email it to me? I couldn't access it and am interested.

Thanks!

Jennifer

Canice

10-09-2003, 05:47 PM

OK, yes I know I live in an "alternate universe" but I have to say that I never knew anyone who had a baby in her 20s. OK, I can think of...two. 33 would be on the young side in fact - most seem to have their first in their later 30s or early 40s and no one seems to care. My mom had me at 40 (hehe, BIG surprise for her!) and that was considered off the charts crazy...back in the 1960s.

mst

10-09-2003, 08:40 PM

Thanks everyone. I really needed this thread.

I have been really stressed about getting pregnant. I work with kids for a living, my nieces and nephews are a HUGE priority, and I am in a really happy marriage. However, I just haven't felt ready. I panicked earlier this week when I realized that even if I got pregnant now, I will be 30 when I deliver! So, I really appreciate knowing that some of you waited a while until you were ready.

I am just afraid that I will never be "ready" and that I just need to take the plunge!

kermit

10-09-2003, 09:17 PM

yep you are definitely not old you're at the perfect age to start a family! I just had my first at 31 & have been going to a couple different "mom's groups" (because none of my close friends have had kids yet) & I was surprised to find I'm among the youngest of the moms around here! good luck to you !

Jennifer

ellamay

10-09-2003, 09:33 PM

I can't believe people are telling you that's too old! Around here I would say that's the average age for people having kids. I really don't know anyone who is planning on having kids before 30.

The right age is when you are ready. Don't let anyone tell you differently!

Meg O'C

10-10-2003, 05:07 AM

I will be 32 in two months and DH and I are still trying (over a year and half into this process). We are seeing a fertility specialist and did manage to get pregnant with his help last spring but I miscarried. Anyway, at this rate I will be at least 32 maybe 33 when I deliver my first (I am assuming we get pregnant again in the next few months!). It's older than I had planned but I still don't think of it as "old." By the way, nor does our specialist think your early 30's is old to be trying to conceive. We've always talked about having two or three kids (hopefully they all won't take this long to conceive) so I'm looking at potentially, hopefully having children well into my mid-late thirties. Anyway, the older I get (and the older my parents and grandparents get), the more I believe that youth is a state of mind!

Good luck to you and DH!

Beth H

10-10-2003, 06:53 AM

Jennifer - I just emailed the NY times article to you. I thought that it was too long to cut and paste here on the board.

I have heard all of the comments in your post - both from strangers and from my DH's family, too. I wish that I could think of some kind of polite, yet smart-a** response, but I haven't yet. It's interesting to me that people don't hestitate to ask you about why you haven't had kids, yet they would never dream of asking how your sex life is, why you haven't lost weight, if you color your hair, etc. It's such a personal thing (to me at least) but evidently most people don't see it that way.

MrsReber

10-10-2003, 07:20 AM

It is a personal decision! People are so rude! I still chuckle when people say that they don't know if they're "ready". You won't wake up one morning and say "gee, I'm ready to take on the biggest challenge of my life now and become a parent". It just won't happen that way. You will reach a point where you say "gee, I really do want kids so maybe now is the time". My own DH was getting wrapped up in "readiness". Believe me, there is nothing in the world that will prepare you to become a parent. Just jump in. I tell women who are expecting that they will understand so much more after they give birth. I can give them all the advice in the world and they can plan all they want in their heads about how their going to raise their own child, but when it finally happens, most of that goes out the window.

Relax. Don't listen to other people, especially not when they tell you you're getting "old". And especially not when they tell you how you should live your life! You are still very young (I have to say that because I'm around the same age as you ;) )

Carolina68

10-10-2003, 07:20 AM

Originally posted by Gail
So what do you need to know? I was 37 when I had my one-and-only. A friend of mine (same age) gave birth to her second within a few months of mine. Another two friends had their first children at 38-- another friend was about to turn forty...

I am glad to hear there are some over 35 first time Mom's responding.
I'm 34...soon to be 35 and just started trying to conceive.

I'm the youngest in my family, but my Mom was 40 when she had me.

Jessica

10-10-2003, 07:27 AM

Originally posted by jrichards

In general, I have found the same type of reaction though. Why aren't you having kids? Do you have fertility issues? Do you not like children? Are you having marital problems? You've been married for a long time to have no kids! You should get started - kids take a lot of energy. You should think about babies soon, you're age is getting up there and you could have problems. Didn't you know your risks increase for pregnancy problems as you get older? SO ON AND SO ON! It gets frustrating. Total strangers will ask me these things (like when I'm on an airplane). My friends know my position and stance and don't pressure me (as does my family). However, general acquantainces and co-workers are also all guilty of the comments above.

We get some of the same stuff. A member of my DH's family thought I would be upset when my (much younger) SIL had a baby, because some of them thought we were TTC and unsuccessful!

I agree with you about being ready, MrsReber. In our case, we were not sure we wanted children and now we have decided we do want them, or at least one. I suggested we just grab a baby from a supermarket cart and make a run for it, but DH thought we should try something more traditional, like pregnancy.:D

Meg O'C--I am so sorry about your miscarriage. Best wishes to you.

JoanneOR

10-10-2003, 07:58 AM

I'm late jumping in here and just want to affirm what everyone else said. You are not old!!!! I had my first at 34, next at 35, next at 37, and the last at 40! I had no age related problems at all. I think your age is the perfect time to have a baby. You've most likely spent some years alone with you and your DH and done some stuff like traveling, etc. You're more mature than you were in your 20's. I'm not sure how I could have handled four kids in my 20's!

A "so-called" friend of mine blurted out "Oh my God, you'll be forty when you deliver" when I told her I was pregnant with Caitlyn. This was in a group of about six people. She did apologize later, but I thought it was very rude at the time. We planned Caitlyn and I was really excited to be having another. Anyway, don't let what people say affect you. Do what you and DH feel is best, you're the ones who will be the parents!

Laura

10-10-2003, 08:07 AM

I had my kids at 27 and 29, but I must tell you that I generally am 5-10 years younger than my DD's friends parents (she is 14) and right around the same age as DS' friends parents. My dad was 50 and my mom 44 when I was born (last of 5) so having a child in your 30's doesn't seem "old" to me at all. My oldest sister had her first at 39 and her second at 42. She had some difficulty getting pregnant, but has had a very irregular cycle most of her life, so it was likely more related to that than her age.

LosingIt

10-10-2003, 09:20 AM

Just wanted to add my two cents! I was 39 before I even wanted a child. I had Michael when I was 40. I now want another one! I will be 42 or 43 depending on conception. Michael is now a healthy, curious and active 8 month old. I didn't get any negative remarks about my age - just a lot of surprised faces that I wanted a baby and it was not a failure of birth control.

Wendy w

10-10-2003, 10:00 AM

Originally posted by Canice
OK, yes I know My mom had me at 40 (hehe, BIG surprise for her!) and that was considered off the charts crazy...back in the 1960s.

My Mom did too. My sisters are 11 and 16 years older than me. Everyone thought that she was nuts and my sisters told her that they would never have a child at 40. Well, lo and behold, my sister had her 2nd son at 45. She won a mixed doubles tennis match 2 weeks before he was born. There are 24 years between her sons.

A former classmate had her 1st at 42 and they are both doing great. It is a very personal decision. I know a lot of people who had their kids in their 20's but even more in their 30's and a few in their 40's. Best wishes to whatever decision you make.

nori

10-10-2003, 10:25 AM

I had my DS when I was 29.:) I don't think having the first child at 33 or 34 is too old at all!!!!!

Just wanted to chime in..... Good luck to you, Jessica!

boisewinesnob

10-10-2003, 11:26 AM

After reading a lot of the replies to this thread, I feel like a freak because I had my first at 20 :eek: . Of course, I don't mean to say that anybody is trying to make younger mothers feel odd; I seem to find that it is more the norm to have children at an older age. Most of my kids' friends' parents are certainly older than me ;) :p . But I kind of like going to the high school to pick up my son and having the receptionist ask if I'm his sister :D .

Since there have been quite a few comments on this thread about strangers' remarks, I'll add my own:
I've had a doctor (who I went to see about strep throat) ask me why I had so many kids (4 :confused: ), and "didn't I know how to prevent that?". I know (or hope!) he was kidding or trying to make a joke, but I thought it was a rude thing to say.
I've had people ask if I am Mormon or Catholic (I'm neither) when they hear I had 4 kids. I know they are probably just curious, but I'd never ask someone their religion if they didn't have any kids, so why do they think it's OK to ask about mine? :confused:

Sorry to veer OT ;) Jessica, I think you're plenty young and wish you the best :)

Meg O'C

10-11-2003, 05:39 AM

Thanks Jessica. I hope my post didn't come off as a "downer." I guess I was just trying to say that I still feel young and my doc doesn't think our problems have anything to do with waiting until our 30's to start to try (my eggs are not prematurely ageing or anything like that).

The thing that has made it most diffcult for us is that so many of our family and friends are "fertile myrtles" so until we went public with our issues we did get some insensitive comments . . . and you know what, we still do! It's such a personal issue - having children (when you do it, how you do it, how long it takes, how many you have, how close in age they are, what you are allowed to talk about - almost nobody talks about miscarriages, I've learned). I am learning to tune that out and to be stronger and more patient than I ever thought I could be. As long as you and your DH are doing what's right for you, it really doesn't matter what everyone else out there thinks!

Barrie

10-11-2003, 11:45 AM

I'm 38 and DS is 7 months old, and we're planning to start trying for #2 next summer. Jessica, you're still so young! I wish I were your age, then we'd definitely have 3 kids, but I didn't meet DH till I was 35. Good luck to you! :)

seathyme

10-11-2003, 01:30 PM

Jennifer and others responding to people's rude comments about not having kids, you might appreciate this thread:

http://community.cookinglight.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=22622&highlight=childless

I know I did, being in this "childless by choice" category myself.

rosie_one

10-11-2003, 01:42 PM

Sort of off topic, I'm sorry, but I have a theory that the more urban an environment you live in the longer potential parents tend to wait before they try for a family. When we lived in Chicago, at 27 I was far younger than my compadres who were having children. However, when we moved to a more rural place, I suddenly was older than most of my DDs friends' mothers. Strange. Not sure if this is just my experience or if it is elsewhere too. Maybe life is more complex in the city and it's harder to get your ducks in a row? Or careers take the front seat for a longer time? Or you just can't hear your biological clock over the traffic? Who knows...

All I know for sure is none of us are going to get any younger, so we have to enjoy life the way it is. Good luck to you! Happy Baby!

~Alice

Jessica

10-11-2003, 09:33 PM

Well, Minneapolis-St. Paul is pretty darn urban. I do have a fair number of female friends who are unmarried or recently married, but most of them who are at least 30 and married already have multiple children.

I really appreciate all of your comments and insight. I know I should just ignore people who say negative things, but it does get me upset because I think waiting was the right choice for us. Although both of us had loving parents, we both had tumultuous childhoods and we wanted some time for ourselves first.

Gail

10-12-2003, 01:20 PM

I remember those days...

I had friends who married right out of high school, friends who married right out of college. I was the last one in my crowd to marry and by the time I did, they all had families. By the time I decided to become a mother, they were all divorced.

No message here-- no, I'm not making a blanket statement that it's unwise to marry and start families young-- other than to say you've gotta do what's right for you -- not what's right for Penny and Tracy and Amber. No comments from the outside should upset you. You're the one living in your skin; you're the one who has to live with the consequences of any decisions you make.

I have NO regrets about living my life the way I have. And if I had it to do all over again, I'd do it the same way.

Hang on in there.

RunnerKim

10-13-2003, 10:48 AM

Jessica - maybe it is the Minneapolis-St. Paul area. A good friend of mine (also young 30s) was visiting recently. I made the comment that we have many childless friends and co-workers here in Portland and balancing those relationships now that we have a kid can be challenging. She said it was not that way at all where she lived (twin cities) - everyone had kids. Interesting that you should make the same comment (maybe it's the long cold winters ;) ).

Kim

boisewinesnob

10-13-2003, 11:30 AM

Originally posted by boisewinesnob
After reading a lot of the replies to this thread, I feel like a freak because I had my first at 20 :eek: . Of course, I don't mean to say that anybody is trying to make younger mothers feel odd; I seem to find that it is more the norm to have children at an older age.

Hmmm, I couldn't go back and delete my post or edit it, but I guess I am the odd person out.
For the record, I am still married and my friends/relatives who married later in life (30s) are the ones divorced :p and I have no regrets either.

Jorgan

10-13-2003, 11:44 AM

I am from Minneapolis/St. Paul and and have a different perspective of our area. I have two friends (who are sisters) who had children before they were thirty but the rest of them do not or are just beginning to start a family (I will be 33 this year and most of my friends are the same age). Another interesting thing is a lot of my husbands frinds who are in their mid to late thirties are also just starting to have children! So not all in that area are having kids at a younger age!

I had my first child just before I turned 32 and found it was the perfect time FOR ME. That is what is the most important thing, doing it when it's right for you!!

RebeccaT

10-13-2003, 12:03 PM

Jessica, I just wanted to chime in with some support. DH and I will both turn 30 next year, and ... well, I don't have any idea when we will decide to try to get pregnant.

I am starting to get the urge. If I found out I were preggers tomorrow, I would be so frikkin' scared, but I would be ecstatic. However, DH insists that he is not "ready." My question to all of you is this - on the one hand, some of you say that you can never be "ready." But on the other hand, many of you say "do it when YOU'RE ready." So which is it? How do you know?

I don't mean to hijack your thread, Jessica, but this is really bothering me. :o

LaraW

10-13-2003, 12:14 PM

Originally posted by RebeccaT
on the one hand, some of you say that you can never be "ready." But on the other hand, many of you say "do it when YOU'RE ready." So which is it?

Rebecca, for me, the difference is that in some ways there is no "good" time to have a baby (or move to another city, or start a new career, or get married, take your pick). There will always be reasons not to do something - need a bigger house, need a better paying job, etc. The list can go on and on. And, I am sure that as much as I know that having a baby will change our/my life, I am sure that I don't know exactly how it will be changed until she gets here. Maybe I am anticipating changes that won't be as big as I think they will be and maybe I am not anticipating other changes.

In terms of doing it when YOU'RE ready, to me, means being OK with that uncertainty that the future will hold. Is it scary? YES :) But, it is the most wonderful scary I have ever experienced.

Jessica, just also chiming in with support. I just turned 31 and will be having my first baby in December. DH is 33.

Gail

10-13-2003, 03:46 PM

Originally posted by boisewinesnob

Hmmm, I couldn't go back and delete my post or edit it, but I guess I am the odd person out.
For the record, I am still married and my friends/relatives who married later in life (30s) are the ones divorced :p and I have no regrets either.

There was a reason I put the disclaimer in my post. I didn't want you to feel I was making a personal comment on your life choice, and that I wasn't stating any statistical mumbo-jumbo. I guess I'm just trying to say I'm glad I didn't go with the flow back then, because apparently the tide turned for all my friends. Obviously, you-- like I-- did what was right for YOU, which is what my whole post was all about.

I'm glad you couldn't go back and edit or delete your post. There was absolutely no reason for you to have done so. :)

Gail

10-13-2003, 04:17 PM

Originally posted by RebeccaT
Jessica, I just wanted to chime in with some support. DH and I will both turn 30 next year, and ... well, I don't have any idea when we will decide to try to get pregnant.

I am starting to get the urge. If I found out I were preggers tomorrow, I would be so frikkin' scared, but I would be ecstatic. However, DH insists that he is not "ready." My question to all of you is this - on the one hand, some of you say that you can never be "ready." But on the other hand, many of you say "do it when YOU'RE ready." So which is it? How do you know?

I don't mean to hijack your thread, Jessica, but this is really bothering me. :o

I'm sorry. I don't understand the "you can never be ready" response. Someone will have to enlighten me.

I can TRY to answer the other part of it, but probably only in terms of my own experience. I'm not a planner. I don't plan meals, I didn't really plan my life. I never really thought about being married. And even after marrying, I can't say I really thought about ever having children, even though I've always liked kids.

After a while, something changed. I'd start looking at those downy little heads and brand-new skin with a new sort of interest. I'd watch toddlers staggering around and fall on their diapered bottoms, and I'd grin. One day, I simply decided, "I want one of those." You hold someone else's baby and you like that feeling of the soft skin against yours; you notice the way the wispy hairs on his head flutter, ruffled by your breath. You notice how wonderful it is when a toddler raises up his arms to be picked up-- how he's so trusting, so innocent. And you think, "I want that."

You don't go into parenthood all-knowing and fearless. You go in nervous as hell, convinced you'll get all of it wrong, terrified at being given sole responsiblity for molding another human being. It's a huge responsibility, after all.

You think you'll be giving up your freedom-- but you won't really. Maybe at times you'll have to stay at home when you didn't plan to, but heck, you run the same sorts of risks every day of your life. What if you come down with the flu the night of the concert? What if your husband breaks his leg right before vacation? For a while, you'll have to "break in" the baby, settle him into a pattern, settle yourself into his pattern-- but it's a temporary thing, and after a while, you find you can pop him into a backpack, and wherever you go, he comes along. He adjusts. And your life becomes a little fuller.

Maybe it isn't the same for everyone else; I can only tell you that for me, there was a very definite time when I realized I was ready. I knew it was the right thing to marry when I did, and I knew when it was time to be a mother.

boisewinesnob

10-13-2003, 05:21 PM

Gail,
now that I think about what you wrote again, maybe I spoke (posted) too soon. At the time you were 20, you're right...it probably was more of the "norm" to get married and start having kids. (and I don't mean that in a catty-I'm-younger-than-you-are way!)
I just meant when I was 20 it was already well into the trend of NOT having kids right away, so I tend to get defensive when people say "oh, that is way too young" (not that I think that is what you were saying....I know you weren't). Obviously it was not too young for me, my DH and I have been happily married for many many years.
But, I can certainly see the advantages of having a child later in life, too :) .
It really does come down to whenever it is the right time for the individual :) :)

RebeccaT

10-14-2003, 08:25 AM

Originally posted by Gail

After a while, something changed. I'd start looking at those downy little heads and brand-new skin with a new sort of interest. I'd watch toddlers staggering around and fall on their diapered bottoms, and I'd grin. One day, I simply decided, "I want one of those." You hold someone else's baby and you like that feeling of the soft skin against yours; you notice the way the wispy hairs on his head flutter, ruffled by your breath. You notice how wonderful it is when a toddler raises up his arms to be picked up-- how he's so trusting, so innocent. And you think, "I want that."

Gail, thank you for your perspective. I think that this is where I get confused, though... I have just about always felt the way you have just described. I have always known that I wanted children, and that I looked forward to being a mother. The problem I am having right now is discerning the "I want one of those one day," from the "I want one of those as soon as possible!"

And then there's DH, who seems to think that "readiness" will hit him like a thunderbolt. Maybe it will. But in the meantime it's causing me no end of angst! :rolleyes: :(

JoanneOR

10-14-2003, 08:31 AM

Gail, I think you described wonderfully the way you knew it was time to be a mother. Almost brought tears to my eyes! It's so true. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but was afraid of all the things people have mentioned. I had friends who had babies before I was even married. I enjoyed them, but holding them didn't really give me any desire to have one of my own. After we had been married a few years, I started to get the "itch." My DH said he wasn't ready. A good friend had a baby. I held that baby and was overwhelmed with how innocent, soft, warm, fuzzy, trusting, etc., etc., he was. I could have held him all night. Then, I knew! I wanted that, too. Of course, it took a year or so for DH to agree, then a few more years after that before my first was born.

You don't go into parenthood all-knowing and fearless. You go in nervous as hell, convinced you'll get all of it wrong, terrified at being given sole responsiblity for molding another human being. It's a huge responsibility, after all.

I think your statement right there describes why people say "you'll never be ready". I think people want to wait until they don't feel like you described above, and then they think they will feel ready. Those are fears everyone has and they are not just going to magically disappear. If you are ready emotionally, the rest will fall into place.

jphilg

10-14-2003, 08:43 AM

Rebecca, DH and I are also turning 30 in the coming year, and I am ready mentally and DH is not. During our last vacation, we had the "when?" talk....very much initiated by me. I told him that I was starting to think about the baby thing, and I was thinking that next fall would be a great time, and outlined why I thought it would be a great time. He said that he was not ready, and that the thought scared him...but that he would take the next year to get used to the idea.

Then a few weeks later, I overheard him talking about the "readiness" issue with one of his friends, who just had a kid, and then this weekend, he was talking about it with his cousin, who's wife is pregnant. So I think he is thinking about it in a real sense (and that his friends have been telling him that a) they didn't think they were "ready" and b) you get ready real fast.).

I don't know how this is going to go for us, but I think that by setting a hypothetical date in the future, it made the concept more real to DH, and accordingly he may think about it instead of dismissing the concept as he has for the first 29 years of his life.

Stay tuned....I will be interested in hearing how things go for you. And for you, Jessica!

Jen

heide

10-14-2003, 08:49 AM

You know, I never thought I wanted to be a mom. I've always liked kids well enough and I have friends with kids, but it never really occured to me, until recently, that I might one of my own. I also never imagined I'd get married, but that's another story and I've been married for 2 1/2 years.

Anyway, recently, in the last few months, I started having that feeling that Gail described.

After a while, something changed. I'd start looking at those downy little heads and brand-new skin with a new sort of interest. I'd watch toddlers staggering around and fall on their diapered bottoms, and I'd grin. One day, I simply decided, "I want one of those." You hold someone else's baby and you like that feeling of the soft skin against yours; you notice the way the wispy hairs on his head flutter, ruffled by your breath. You notice how wonderful it is when a toddler raises up his arms to be picked up-- how he's so trusting, so innocent. And you think, "I want that."

That's how I feel right now. Fortunately, it appears that DH feels the same, which was a surprise, since we've both long been ambivalent.

When all my friends were getting baby hunger at 28, I didn't understand it. It hadn't hit me, but I wasn't ready to rule out the possibility that it would. I just didn't think that it would hit me so late, at almost-35. I don't think it's too late, I'm just surprised that it hit now.

Of course, now we have to "plan" when we're ready to start trying to conceive. There's that "ready" thing. Emotionally, I'm ready. Financially, we're ready. Logistically, next year might be a really bad time to be pregnant because we may be transferred and we don't know where we might go.

Hoodone

10-14-2003, 01:50 PM

Just another older mom checking in. I had my baby at age 39. I wish I had more energy sometimes, but otherwise feel pretty "normal"! Being 40 with a one-year old is hard work!

rosie_one

10-14-2003, 07:34 PM

It's great to read everyone's experiences. Gail, you made me incredibly nostalgic. *sigh* So many choices and all are based on such emotional footing. Readiness is indeed relative. For me there were a few really intense moments that surged the electricity of mommyness through me. (wow, that sounds weird, but I'm not sure how else to say it). In short the "I WANT" button went on in a big way. DH, fortunately, didn't seem to mind at the time and after a few conversations we were at the same point in our thoughts on the subject.

Motherhood, parenthood, is really just a huge life transition. It's like going away to college or moving cross country or getting married 10x over. The big thing for me in becoming "ready" to make that transition was to find other women in my world who were going through the same changes. These women became sort of a sisterhood for me and I don't know where I would have been without them. So, the minute you get pregnant, find friends with similar due dates in pre-natal yoga class or at church, in the grocery checkout line or wherever they may show up. You need empathy to grease the wheels for the change, or at least I did.

RebeccaT

10-15-2003, 08:45 AM

Thanks, everyone, for your perspectives. Jessica, I hope this didn't take your thread off in a weird direction. Jen, it sounds like your DH really is trying to get used to the idea. It also sounds like your guys are communicating really well. Unfortunately, if I bring it up, DH seems to think that I want to try RIGHT THEN... being male, he doesn't really understand how discussing it with him actually helps me get ready. But I do see him processing the idea, and he does talk to his friends who are new dads quite frequently. He doesn't get as nervous every time he sees me holding a baby... I guess that's progress, right?

Dyanne

10-15-2003, 03:07 PM

When I was growing up in Texas in the late '70's and early '80's, most people around me were having kids in their early-mid 20's.

I just moved to Minnesota from Florida, where we lived for almost 7 years - a record for that state, it seems! In FLorida, there is a VERY big range of maternal age, but mostly it's on the young side. A mother having her first child over age 30 is rather strange, and "must" be because the woman is career-driven, or so the mothers are judged.

Now that we're in Minnesota, I'm finding I'm one of the YOUNGER moms around here! I'm 34 and have three kids (the first when I was 27), but most other moms my age have just started having children, or might have a second child that's a newborn. After years of seeing young moms, I'm finding myself doing a double-take at least once a day. Women who look 40 or even 45 have toddlers.

Having finished my child-bearing years (DH felt it was most "cost-effective" for him to have the big V; what a gem!), I can now say that it got much harder for me to recover after each pregnancy. Part of the reason is that I had other little kids to care for. But undoubtedly it was also because I was just plain older.

It's not only specific to pregnancy, of course. I've also noticed if I were to HYPOTHETHICALLY eat an entire box of Whoppers after dinner, say, I can't expect my jeans to fit perfectly the next day. And fried foods hit my hips MUCH more efficiently than they did when I was in my 20's.

My point is that although it's fine to wait a while to have your first child, it WILL be different than if you'd had your child much younger. Each year has the potential to add an extra challenge. But at your age it shouldn't be all that noticeable. And you are CERTAINLY not too old to be having a first child, especially not in Minnesota!

Dyanne

P.S. I'm not going to say a word...

boisewinesnob

10-15-2003, 05:17 PM

Dyanne,
good point about location! I had my kids in the 80s (youngest one was born in 1992, though) and I lived in the Pac NW; A very liberal area so maybe that is why I felt so not-the-norm. I wasn't hip enough ;) .
Now that I live in a very mormon area, I notice more young mothers (or maybe they just look young to me because I'm older now :o )

Barrie

10-15-2003, 06:39 PM

Originally posted by rosie_one
The big thing for me in becoming "ready" to make that transition was to find other women in my world who were going through the same changes. These women became sort of a sisterhood for me and I don't know where I would have been without them.

Rosie's comment above really struck a chord with me. I have 3 close friends who have babies around the same age as my DS (one baby is 6 weeks younger, one is 9 days older, and one is 3 months older) and the moms are all older than me (and I'm 38). Having other "older" moms to compare notes with and just to vent with is a lifesaver to me - it's very comforting to know that I'm not alone.

BeckyM

10-19-2003, 08:38 PM

Just another "old" mom chiming in -- I'm 34, and my daughter was born when I was 33. I didn't get married until I was 29 (waiting to find the right guy), then DH took a while to get used to the idea of becoming a father. We knew when we got married that we both wanted kids eventually, though I definitely wanted them more than DH. We decided we wouldn't even talk about kids for the first year, and just have time for the two of us. After our first anniversary, I asked DH about it, and he said he wasn't ready. After our second anniversary (with several non-pressuring conversations about it between times), DH said he would be okay with us "allowing the possibility" as long as we didn't get too obsessive with "trying". It took us a while to get pregnant, and when we did, DH kinda freaked out. He was REALLY worried about whether or not he'd be a good dad (don't ask me why -- he's always been great with kids), how we'd lose our freedom, etc. But eventually he got used to the idea, and since Katie was born, he has been completely in love with her.

I definitely think I am in the average new mom age among the people I know. Coincidentally, my other three college roommates all had their first children this past year too!

The funny thing is that growing up, my mom always told me I should wait until I was a bit older to get married and have kids, because then I would have time to mature and decide what I really wanted out of life first. Mom said she was happy that she had waited until she was older to have us. She got married when she was 25 and had me at 26! And for the time, that was considered older!

Becky

Beth Y

10-20-2003, 11:55 AM

DITTO DITTO DITTO!!! I had my first at 39 and my twins at 42. Granted I had to use Clomid for the first and in vitro for the twins, but understand that the doctors told me I would have fertility problems when I was in my 20's. If you do run into fertility issues, get back on here and let us know - you will have a lot of company and lots of advice from many on this board who have been there too! Having kids later is no big deal, although I must say my back is suffering from constantly picking up twins and being over 40!!!

Funny, my Mom had me when she was 38 and I asked her about what the doctors said to her about it and she looked at me like I was crazy. She says they never mentioned the whole "older Mom" thing to her....she was just having a baby!!!!!

jjsooner73

10-22-2003, 02:42 PM

As someone who just turned 30 (and still single), I've found this thread very interesting!!!

I think part of the whole young/old thing is geographic. I grew up in small town Oklahoma, and most of my friends from there had kids in their early twenties. That was the norm--I sometimes feel like I'm the freak for being single and childless at 30! DBF grew up in Missouri, and when we started dating, he told me that I was one of the few people he'd dated in recent years that wasn't divorced/single mom, because where he's from that's the norm.

Now, my friends from grad school/after college are mostly still single and we are all childless and range in age from about 28-32, but we all met in Florida where we worked.

Now I'm in Texas and most of my friends here have kids (one is trying).

DBF and I have talked about when we want to have kids-of course, we are assuming we get married at some point. We have both said about 2 years after marriage, to give us time for 'us', but then if it were to happen sooner, we're OK with that as well.

Both of my grandmothers had their last child when they were 'older' (for their time). One was 40, the other was 36 or 37. I certainly find that encouraging!!!

nlh

10-22-2003, 03:04 PM

It seems like the people I know are in two camps---those who had their children in their mid-late 20's and those who waited until their mid-30's. I always said I'd be closer to 40 when we had a baby and guess what....I'll be 36 on Saturday and am 5 months pregnant.

From what I gather from talking to my friends in their 30's who are pregnant/just had babies, be sure your OB shares the same mindset you do about a later-in-life pregnancy. Some women I know had all sorts of tests pushed on them when they didn't have a history of a problem and really didn't even want the test. Some practices will pressure you to do the test and it may not be in your best interest to have it.

I am lucky. Our OB practice hasn't pushed any test on us. They've totally respected our reasoning for not pursuing amnio, etc. (no history of problems in either tree, no relatives with problems, greater risk to the pregnancy, etc.) They mention a test, describe what it will do and the risk and then they let us decide.

My advice: Relax and do it when you want to! Only you know when the time is right for you and your DH.

Jessica

10-27-2003, 04:44 AM

Wow, this thread went in all kinds of interesting directions when I was on vacation. I never meant to generalize about Minneapolis-St. Paul in that way; I only meant that among our friends in this city, we are one of only two married couples without kids and the other one is trying.

RebeccaT--I know what you mean about the readiness question. Many friends have told us you are never truly ready, you just have to be ready for the unreadiness, or something like that. In our case, we never had much money when I was a kid, so I really wanted to be financially stable before we had children. Now that we are in that position, we are ready to talk about having kids.

Dyanne--you make some good points about the physical aspects of pregnancy. The truth is, I take much better care of my body than I did 10 or even 5 years ago, and while I might not have the energy or stamina of a 25-year-old, I feel better than I have in years and years. I think for me, exercise and good nutrition at 32 may serve me better than my youth and sloth at 27 :)

Thanks again for everyone's insight.