Leaving your kids home alone

[Lauren]

Good question! I've been wondering, too. My kids are 8 and 10. I've just starting to leave them alone for 15 minutes at the most. I don't usually run to the store, but to return videos that are due, or the post office, etc. Only quick trips. I think it depends on your children. My kids don't mind being left alone for 10 minutes. A friend who has kids the same ages said her 10 year old would have a fit if he was ever alone in the house (with the other two) for even five minutes! Also, my kids usually are playing video games or watching tv when I have left them. I wouldn't feel comfortable having them outside, or biking etc. where they may get hurt.

[lsdesign]

What about leaving a 3 year old with a couple of 9 year olds? I have just learned this morning that my 9 year old was left with his friend and his friend's 3 year old brother for 30 minutes or more. I am uncomfortable about this.

[SHERRY]

I agree, I would not be comfortable with my child being left to care for a 3 yr old. I recently heard that different states have different laws about the age children can be left without adult supervision. In some cases, the child must be 13-16 before it is actually legal to leave them alone.

[luv2cook]

from all I've heard, it really does depend on the kid. My next-door neighbor will leave her 11 y/o for an hour or two at most whereas my cousin, who just turned 12, has been left alone to care for her younger brother since she was 7...

[Lauren]

I agree about a three year old being to young to be left in the care of two nine year olds. I think twelve/thirteen is an acceptable age to begin babysitting for toddler age children and up. I second that it depends on the kids, some are more mature and responsible than others!

[This message has been edited by Lauren (edited 01-21-2001).]

[Laura Wick]

I agree with the concerns about the three year old left with the nine years olds.

My daughter is 14, and is babysitting now. We requested that our friends use her as a mother's helper for about the first year she did any babysitting. This gave the mother, who was home, but doing an activity away from her children, a chance to observe her and gave her some experience w/o be alone. She also got to develop a feel for the discipline style and the rules of the households.

At 9 years old, she was left alone for short amounts of time-15 minutes or so--when I was at a neighbors at first, then for short errands, etc. It definitely depends on the child, but I think it is important to start small so they never feel overwhelmed, and to always have a back up.

[lsdesign]

At what age is it ok to leave your children home alone if you run to the corner store, say?

[lindrusso]

Ack! A 3-year-old left with 9 year olds! I would NOT be happy if this happened to me. I think we all know how adventurous young children can be even for experienced adults! How can we expect such young children to take on what we ourselves find trying and difficult??????

It does depend on the maturity of the older child, but I like to look at it a different way. If something were to happen to the 3-year-old while in the care of the 9-year-old, think how devastated the 9-year-old would feel - and they'd probably have to live with those feelings of guilt for the rest of their lives (even though it wouldn't be their fault)! I would not want to place such a heavy burden on such a young child.

As for what the experts say, it varies so widely! I've even heard that children should not cross the road by themselves until age 10. This seems a bit overcautious to me, but again, it depends on the child.

And holy cow a 7-year-old left alone with a younger sibling!!!! I'm not the mother and I don't know the particulars, but in my opinion I would not do it - and not with a younger brother at home no less!!! My son is a VERY mature 6-year-old, but I wouldn't DREAM of leaving him alone this summer when he will be seven and I certainly wouldn't place on him the burden of caring for his younger brother!!! Again, what if something happened?

I say - better safe and a bit overcautious than sorry. There's too much at stake. I agree with Lauren and Laura who talk about introducing independence a bit at a time.

[sneezles]

Have to agree with Lindrusso! Having 3 boys, all with very different maturity levels at any given age, I never left any of them alone until they were 10-11 ( and the younger ones weren't with them). Not until my oldest was 12 (making the youngest one 5) were they left alone together and he had taken the Red Cross babysitters course. Of course, then you have to worry about everyone getting along while you're gone! So while the oldest was responsible for everyone's safety, he wasn't in charge (the word gave too much power!). Mom's house rules were in charge! Then if they didn't get along the oldest didin't get paid (and we actually paid the younger ones 50 cents an hour to behave but they didn't get paid either if there were arguments and someone always ratted out!).

[BethR]

Wow -- I feel that 9 is way too young to care for a 3-year-old for any length of time (I would *freak* if it were my 3-year-old!). The maturity of children does vary, but I once was in a school that had a poster up that outlined appropriate ages for levels of supervision. I'm not sure if this was "expert" guidance or actual state law (I'm in VA). I don't remember all the info, but I do remember it listed 7 and under as never to be unsupervised.
Beth

[TamiK]

My two girls are grown up now, but I started leaving them alone for short periods (15-20 minutes) when the youngest was 10. It definitely depends on the kid. My youngest still falls apart in a crisis and is easily scared. She never really liked to stay alone for more than an hour, even as a teenager. She shocked us all when she moved into an apartment of her own when she was 18. Didn't last long, though--back home in 6 months. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif On the other hand, my oldest could easily be alone for 2 or 3 hours by the time she was 13.

You really do have to consider the impact it would have on the oldest if something happened to the youngest. A friend of mine was left alone with his younger siblings when he was 10. A friend came over, they found a loaded gun, and the little brother was killed. My friend has never forgiven himself, even though he realizes intellectually it wasn't his fault.

Our kids are only young once. You can never take back a tragedy. I'd err on the side of caution, while trying to walk the fine line between safety and helping them sprout wings.

[Laura B]

Tami, what a tragedy for that family.

I think it really varies as to when you can leave a child alone (just him or her) by the maturity of that child. But if it is leaving a child alone with a younger sibling, there is so much more to consider than just the maturity of the child, as many of the previous responses have pointed out. Namely, what if something happens? How will the one in charge react at the actual time of crisis? How will it impact them if it is some serious harm to their younger sibling, etc? It does not seem fair to put that kind of burden on a child. I would think that the older child would need to be at least 14 or 15 before I would feel comfortable enough to leave. Of course, when I have kids that idea may change. I babysat starting at 12 and I do have to wonder how smart it was to hire me that young, regardless of how mature I was.

A friend of our family just lost his home because his unattended four year old was playing with matches. The older brother was out in the yard and not watching the little one. Thankfully, no one was hurt. But it is a devastating loss for this family all the same, and the feelings of guilt must be unspeakable.

[LGBurns]

I agree that considering how the older child would feel if something went wrong is just as important (if not more so) as deciding if they are mature enough to prevent something going wrong.

Just wanted to share a funny story to illustrate that even adults aren't always as attentive as they should be. When my husband was about 2 or 3 his family lived in an apartment in Chicago. His mom and older sister had gone down the street to visit friends and my husband was home with his father. I guess he decided he wanted to see his mom and was tired of waiting for her to come back. So, he shot a glance at his dad, who was buried deep in his paper, and seeing that the coast was clear, jumped down from the couch, padded off to the back door (he was in feety pajamas), ran down the ALLEY (in Chicago I remind you), and showed up at the neighbors door (which was about 3 or 4 doors down)! Needless to say his mother was pretty surprised to find her 2 year old knocking on the neighbors door. The capper is that his dad didn't realize he had gone until they had returned! It's a funny story since nothing happened to him, but it just goes to show that a watchful eye is very necessary. Those little rug rats move fast!

[Laura]

My daughter is 11 1/2 and my son 9. I will leave them alone for about 45 minutes, if I am going out. My daughter has passed first aid and cpr classes. They are not allowed outside, not allowed to shower, bathe, cook. Basically they enjoy it because that is the time they can watch tv without the hour limit they usually have. That being said, I can't imagine that by the time my son is my daughter's age that he will be old enough to stay home by himself. It used to be that a child had to be 11 before he could be allowed to stay alone with or without other children. Thus, the whole 9 year old and 3 year old situation would definitely bother me. I don't care how mature your child is, that is too young for that type of responsibility in my book.

[Karenf]

I have raised three kids that were 6 and 4 years apart - girl, girl, boy. I started babysitting when I was 10. The first born is usually more mature, which mine was, and I would occasionally leave her alone for 30-45 minutes with the baby when he was 6+ months so I could run to the store. I would always take the middle one with me though because she was the difficult child. I did not leave the second one alone even for short periods of time until she was 11-12 and never left her with the youngest. My 2 youngest hated being home alone and we always lived in very safe communities. They would get scared this was even into mid teens. Every light in the house would be on when we would get home. They didn't like to admit that they were scared. I found that it was never good to leave 2 home alone together. That's when fighting ocurred. We have never had guns in the house and never will but feelings get hurt and stuff gets broken. As teenagers, unless they are truely trustworthy they should never be left alone for extended periods - like parents going away for the weekend or a week long vacation. BAD NEWS!! A responsible adult should always be hired to be in the house the whole time parents are gone. We have so many stories of problems that ocurred within other families when the parents went away.

[Luiza]

Interesting thread! This is one of the times when I read this board and I feel a little bit alien. It is strange how much depends on the societal environment and expectations. When I was 5 years old, I convinced my mother that I really hated sleeping in the afternoon at the kindergarden, so I was allowed to return home at noon (a 10 minute walk with crossing 2 not very busy streets), and wait there alone until my parents returned late afternoon. When I was 8 years old, I was taking my 4 year old sister to gymnastics halfway across the city, and I also liked to go downtown to see movies (the 8:30am show), alone or with a bunch of friends the same age. But this was Romania in the early 80's (absolutely no guns, and people living in the same place for their entire life -- lots of neighbours to keep an eye on you!), and I was also a really stubborn child.

Incidents did happen, like the time I got home and found the children's room full of burnt matches and my sister (8 years old at that time) nowhere to be found. One hour later she unconcernedly strolled in from visiting friends. I am also surprised we didn't do any permanent damage to each other during the fights we had when alone. Now, however, we reminisce nostalgically about these fights.

It's not that our parents did not worry about these things. But with both of them working full-time (no such thing as a stay-at-home mother in Romania, a family had to have 2 salaries to survive, and a non-working person in general was considered a parasite), and with one grandmother taking care of several households, these things were unavoidable.

And then I came to Canada, where at 15 I was told I cannot have access to the adult books in the public library without the parents' permission because I was too young. It was a very new concept for me, and I wasn't very fond of it http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

Luiza

[MrsReber]

It does all depend on the individual. I was left alone at a young age, but when I was 16, I had a friend the same age who babysat for a 13 year old! And here I was, taking the bus into Manhatten by myself to go visit my father at the age of 11. Circumstances forced us to grow up faster- there's pros and cons to it, can't change the past anyway so no use dwelling on it.

Growing up in the 70's with divorced parents,we had no choice but to come home to an empty house after school. I didn't like it, since I was only about 6 and my older brother and sister were 9 and 10, respectively. I remeber I'd stand outside the house until I could see my brother and sister walking from the bus stop. Then I'd go in quickly and pretend that I wasn't afraid to be in the house alone. On the days with bad weather, I'd sometimes run inside and lock myself in my room. My mom had to work as my father left and sporadically paid child support. There was no extra money for child care, though we knew we could always run to a neighbor's house if there was an emergency. We were alone each day, every day, all summer long, too. The other kids were not allowed by their parents to come to our house to play. They somehow thought divorce was a contagious disease that could invade their "happy" homes.

We had to cook dinner a couple of nights a week and clean the house after school and we were NOT allowed to watch tv. Believe it or not, we adhered to the rules without supervision.

[Lauren]

Mrs. Reber,

Your story is very familiar to me. My parents divorced when I was eight. My Mom went back to school for a masters degree then she always worked. My brother and I were latch key kids before there was such a thing. I remember coming home from school, fixing a snack and waiting until Mom returned. As a working parent today, we are so lucky to have so many childcare options. They didn't have after school care and summer programs like we have today. My brother and I have always been very independant because of it. We did go to camp during the summer, though.

Funny, I remember my parents being the first in my neighborhood, or group of friends, to divorce. But, by the time we were in high school many families had been split. My Mom tells a cute story how I went to my second grade class the day my parents were going to court and told everyone for show-and-tell that my parents were geting a divorce today. I don't think I had any idea what it meant!

This year I helped out at the holiday fair at my kids school, by "wrapping" the little gifts and crafts the kids had bought for their families. It was so interesting to me that the kidds would say this is for my Dad and this is for my other Dad!

[lindrusso]

Originally posted by MrsReber:
Growing up in the 70's with divorced parents,we had no choice but to come home to an empty house after school. I didn't like it, since I was only about 6 and my older brother and sister were 9 and 10, respectively. I remeber I'd stand outside the house until I could see my brother and sister walking from the bus stop. Then I'd go in quickly and pretend that I wasn't afraid to be in the house alone. On the days with bad weather, I'd sometimes run inside and lock myself in my room.

Your feelings about being left alone should convince everyone not to leave young children alone! That must have been hard for both you and your mom.

I realize that sometimes families don't have any options available to them and that sometimes these things are unfortunately necessary. What I can't handle is those parents who leave their kids alone because they can't be bothered or because somehow going shopping for a gift is more important than the safety of their child - not the parents who find themselves in dire straits and are trying to put food on the table.

The same is true for that parent who decides that leaving their young children at home so they can run to the store quickly is a good idea. Hauling the kids with you certainly is more challenging and time-consuming, but also certainly worth it if you are helping to avoid a possible tragedy.

All last year when my 3-year-old still napped I would have to wake him up to go get his big brother from school. I can see the school from my house - it's only about 5 houses down. But I never left the little guy here to keep sleeping while I picked his brother up. I would most certainly be back before he woke up and most certainly nothing would have happened in those 5 minutes (he was in a crib part of the time), but I never left him here alone. What if he woke up and called for me and I wasn't there? He would have been terrified. Just wasn't worth the risk.

So, I cannot speak for the single parents who seem to have no options open - I can't for a moment say what I would do if I were in desparate circumstances. It's the parents who can't be bothered to go the extra mile for their kids just for a stupid errand or a night out that bother me. I almost fell over when that couple was arrested for leaving their children alone for several days (the ages were something like 2-10) - just so they could have a vacation. Very warped priorities here.

All parents would love to be able to travel at the drop of a hat or go the store whenever they please, but there are tradeoffs when you have children. If you're not willing to make those sacrifices, then you don't have kids.

Luiza - thanks for sharing your story. It's interesting to hear how different things are in other countries!