Am I being too hard on him??

[CORALEE]

ok here goes my rant of the day.... I work part time and dh works full time. On the days we both go to work I rush home to get dinner on the table (sometime the decision as to what to have is the hardest part of it) and when I am at home with our little ones I always have dinner on the table when he gets home. I like cooking so it is not a big deal (but I digress)

Anyway, as a turn of fate would have, something is going on at work that I could not miss. Daycare is closed during the holidays so dh took the day off and is with the kids while I was at work. When all this came down the pipes (several weeks ago)I told him that I was looking forward to being the one to come home to dinner. I stressed that it didnt have to be homemade, or good even, just as long as I didnt have to even think about it for once. He said ok.

He calls me at the office at 4:10pm from his cell saying that he took the boys to get an oil change on the van and it is taking longer than expected and that now he doesnt have time to prepare anything for dinner and "Now what do you think we should have for dinner?"

I have to admit... it isnt a big deal but I am very irritated. He says that it isn't his fault because a slow mechanic isn't his fault but I disagree. Something (called life) happens everyday and I still manage to get a good dinner (if I do say so myself) on the table. I havent told him any of this because I dont want to start anything... but it is bugging me. I felt like I deserved this, just this once.

Am I crazy?

[Beth]

Sounds like a night out to me!

[wallycat]

and he can make it up to you by having a dinner ready on a weekend when you're both home :)

I hear you about the principle of the thing...but you're right, sometimes life gets in the way of fairness :p

[Ms. Chevious]

I wouldn't be mad - at least he called so you didn't have to walk in the door and find no dinner. Sounds like he was trying to figure out what you'd like - chinese, pizza, etc. since he wouldn't have time to make anything. Sounds pretty thoughtful to me.

[tbb113]

You are right, he is wrong! Has he never heard of KFC? Stouffer's lasgna? Mac & Cheese? Pizza Delivery? You already told him it didn't have to be homemade or gourmet, so I don't see why he couldn't come up with some of these suggestions on his own.

[Grace]

IMO, you're not crazy. But we all have our differences. If I were in your shoes, I would look at all the good things about my spouse, and hopefully those would outweigh all the not-so-good things (I was married once before, and that wasn't the case!). If they did, then I would chalk it up to "I will just accept him the way he is, because he accepts me with all my faults, weaknesses and quirks". If the not-so-good is starting to outweigh the good, then I would have a gentle heart to heart with him. It's likely he doesn't realize how he's making you feel, and he can't read your mind, nor would he feel the same way necessarily as you if the roles were reversed, so he probably just isn't seeing things from your perspective. Even after you explain it, and he still doesn't "get it" (why you're hurt by his actions), remind him that as someone who loves you, it doesn't matter whether he agrees with you or not, or would feel the same way or not, but because he loves you, and doesn't want to hurt you, he'll remember to try harder next time.

But you have to be careful with using this argument. If you use it too much, for every little thing, it won't work. So only you can decide if it's important enough to you to make such a big point.

Another option is to just have had him pick something up on the way home. You still wouldn't have had to think about what's for dinner, and he wouldn't have had to feel guilty. This would be a particularly good plan to have if you don't think he's the type to ever change. Rather than try to force him to be the way you want, find some alternative (and plan) that you both can live with.

Bottom line is, no matter what, you can mention to him in a gentle way how he made you feel. I would also reassure him that you realize he didn't intend to do it, and you're not angry, but you need to communicate to each other when hurt feelings occur. You don't want to always blow those feelings off - they build up and then things get ugly.

[sneezles]

While you might be justified in your anger I know from experience it won't sove anything. I guess it's just something with that Y chromosome that they can't multi-task when it comes to the home...getting an oil change with kids in tow was probably too much multi-tasking for one man!
And pizza, Chinese, anything already cooked would suit me just fine!

[sneezles]

Originally posted by Grace
Bottom line is, no matter what, you can mention to him in a gentle way how he made you feel. I would also reassure him that you realize he didn't intend to do it, and you're not angry, but you need to communicate to each other when hurt feelings occur. You don't want to always blow those feelings off - they build up and then things get ugly.

Oh, Grace, this has been a big issue with me forever. DH will ask what's wrong and when I tell him he thinks I'm being too sensitive, too ridiculous, too whatever! Burns my chaps! I've told him it doesn't matter if he understands, agrees or thinks it's weird, they're my feelings and since he asked about them don't roll your eyes!...25 years and it still takes some reminding! ;)

[BlueMoose]

Originally posted by sneezles
While you might be justified in your anger I know from experience it won't sove anything. I guess it's just something with that Y chromosome that they can't multi-task when it comes to the home...getting an oil change with kids in tow was probably too much multi-tasking for one man!
And pizza, Chinese, anything already cooked would suit me just fine!

ROFL!!!!! You hit the nail on the head Susan! The same thing would have happened at my house. Maybe we should think of this as a disability they have.;) I'd do take out, too.

[clairea]

I agree that this would be frustrating, but I don't think it is something I would spend energy being upset about. As others have mentioned, men just really don't (can't?;) ) multi-task the way women are used to doing. Also, remember that although you can manage to get dinner on the table every night, you have also had a lot more practice doing it. There is a learning curve for managing a home and family just like for any other job.

[Jazzmatazz49]

If you're like me, you don't want to have to think of what to have. If someone would plan all the menus and do the shopping, I'd be a totally happy cook!

Similar rant: It always took the fun out of a night out if I had to be the one to get the sitter. But that was a LOOOOONNNNGGG time ago!

[colleency]

I probably would have been upset, too.

I have found in this situation the best thing is to explain that you don't care what he comes up with for dinner, as long as you don't have to think about it. Tell him anything would be great, including fast food.

Then when you get home, praise whatever it is that he managed to get together, even if you absolutely hate it. Cold fries from McDonald's..Oh, honey. You're so wonderful for taking care of this for me.

My DH is always worried that he'll get the wrong thing, so he always wants to ask me, even if I've told him I don't care.

[CORALEE]

thanks guys... and you are all correct, it is not a big deal. he is a great father, husband, and most of all my friend. Grace, you really helped put it in perspective.

you are right in that he does not intentionally tick me off. And all your dinner suggestions are ones that I would pull out of my hat when things go awry. We ended up having chinese.

trish