I have just been kicked in the stomach...

[kirkbyky]

I little bit ago, I received the following email from my mother about my baby sister Sarah:

"I had a disturbing phone call last night from the mom of one of Sarah's friends. She indicated that Sarah has told her friends she is going to loose weight to get below 100 lbs. The friend's mother also indicated that Sarah may be sticking her toothbrush down her throat in order to make herself vomit.

While I have personally not witnessed or heard any noises to indicate that Sarah is indeed doing this; I do note that she is rapidly losing weight, has severely decreased the portion size of the food she does eat and has become increasingly finicky about what she eats. She also spends time 'exercising' by running in place. To do this she goes to her room, plays loud music and runs- all of this behind a closed door. I am sure she does not realize we can hear the 'thumping' when she 'runs'.

The only other time this has happened was during first grade and she was very fearful of germs and what she was eating, would only eat bread and jelly sandwiches. At that time she was not overly pudgy, nor overly thin and did manage to eat normally when at home, it was at school that the symptoms manifested themselves. She also frequently washed her hands at that time.

I do not write to alarm you only to ask that you think back to any time spent with her and try to recognize any odd behavior. Sadly, your dad has the attitude that there is nothing wrong and that I should not be concerned . He also says I should not address this to her.

I have set up a Doctor appt. with our family physician for a physical on Monday 1/12/04 at 5p.m. I have alerted the physician to my concerns and asked for a full physical.

I know Sarah puts way too much stress on herself trying to be the perfect girl, but please know that neither I nor your dad encourage the 'pressure'. We try to offer opportunities for educational growth, but don't want her to tax herself by trying to get straight 'A's'.

I could go on forever with this , but must get back to work. I ask that you do not say anything to Sarah regarding this until after she has seen the doctor."

~~~~~~~

I know that there has been alot of discussion on these boards regarding young women (she's just 15) and eating disorders--I'm getting ready to do a search--but would really appreciate some advice and counsel from the many wise people on these boards.

When DH and I saw Sarah at Christmas, we couldn't believe how thin she was! DH commented on it as soon as we left, which is unusual for him to do. She's naturally slender (I was too at that age) and tall (5'8" or so), but its obvious that she's lost quite a bit of weight from when I last saw her. Under a hundred lbs. is WAYYYYY to small for her frame. All her baby fat is gone, her breasts are gone, she's 'gray' and sickly looking. :( :( :(

I've heard and read so much regarding something like this, but still feel helpless and lacking in what I should do. I was 18 and out of the house when she was born, so although I Love her and feel close to her, we are somewhat strangers. She's still somewhat close to our middle sister Megan, but Sarah is very secretive regarding her life and that limits our interaction with her no matter how often we reach out.

I'm also seriously concerned with my mothers ability to handle this and my fathers lack of concern. My mother is an abusive woman, and while her behavior toward Sarah is different than it was toward me and my other sister, it isn't necessarily less abusive (we're talking major head-trippin' here). When all Hell breaks loose, my Dad hides behind the newspaper--a real hands-off parent trying to compensate for my mothers control-freak activities. I know that this may be an attempt for Sarah to wrest control of her life (and make my M&D jump 'how high' in her need for their attention), in a household that is still as chaotic as it was while I lived there.

I just need to sit and absorb this for a bit. <sigh>.

Any advice is most greatly appreciated.

Sorrowfully,

Kyle

[NewMrsG]

I just PM'd you -

[gertdog]

((((((Kyle and Sarah))))))

I don't have any advice, just hugs for you both. I am glad to hear that a dr. appt. has been set up- it's a good first step.

[lhall]

(((((Kyle)))))

I'm praying for you and your sister.

Leigh

[SandyM]

((((((((((Kyle))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.

I wish I knew what else to say, but I don't have any knowledge or experience in this area. I just wanted you to know you're all in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care, and please keep us posted.

[Shirley Panek]

((:())

No advice here. I just wanted to let you know that you, your sister, and your family are in my prayers.

Shirley

[KristiB]

I'm glad to see your mother is taking her to the dr.

I don't have any real knowledge in this area but my prayers are definitely with you!

[yorkshirepud]

Kyle,

I’m so sorry that your sister is going through this. I am a recovering (almost there) anorexic myself and would gladly offer any advice I can. As I have an ‘insiders’ perspective, I hope I can give you a ‘look’ into the way she may perceive herself, food and life in general.

Although she is yet to be diagnosed, from your mom’s description, it is certainly likely she has developed anorexia. All of symptoms lead me to believe so.

As for the vomiting, it is not unusual to suffer from both anorexia and bulimia at the same time. I did.

What your sister will need to 110% support. At times she may push it away, but inside she’ll be screaming for it, whether she realizes it or not.

You say that Sarah is quiet secretive. Again, that isn’t unsual. I completely withdrew all emotion from those around me and essentially just shut down. I forgot how to think outside of my eating disorder. That was my life. Don’t be surprised, or hurt (it will be hard), if she pushes you away or gets angry. That’s natural in this process.

I really could go on forever here, and will gladly do so. Just let me know what you need.

HTH!

Good luck to your sister.

Adele

[ellery]

I've struggled with eating disorders for years, although I feel strongly that I'm now officially out of the woods. And I came from a home that sounds sort of like yours - at least as far as the parental interactions.

She does need that physical. She also needs counseling. I refused and refused and refused to see it until my best friend did a bit of an intervention with me - saying that she could not watch me going through it anymore. I was in college, and she went away that weekend, leaving me reading material to digest. That was what made ME turn the corner towards getting help.

Feel free to PM me if you need to vent, ask questions, etc. I'm now a therapist and have done a lot of work with eating disorder clients.

Hugs, and best wishes.

Leah

[Mimeea]

Being a teenager myself, luckily I only have a bit of experience dealing with this. Last year I lost about 20 lbs. to just about 103. I would constantly count calories, even though I was swimming for an hour every day. This happened for about 2 months, and I finally snapped out of it, when my very concerned mother threatened to take me to get help.

By now, I've gotten back to a more normal weight, and don't plan on starving myself again (especially now that I found CL :)).

I will be praying for you and Sarah. It's definitely a good thing for her to be getting help and support, even though she might not want to admit her problem.

[Alethea]

I'm so so sorry to hear about your sister. Your family is in my thoughts.

I battled with anorexia for 7 years in high school and college, and can only say that eating disorders are extremely terrifying both emotionally and physically. From your description of her at Christmas, it sounds like Sarah is indeed anorexic. She may have been for a while, as you usually have to be pretty malnourished to start to look "gray".

It's not at all uncommon for anorexics to be highly secretive and private, which makes diagnosing and treating the disease all the more difficult. The behavior your mother mentioned about repeated hand washing when she was younger also isn't uncommon. Eating disorders often include highly ritualistic and obsessive behavior. In my case, one of the ways I would start to slip into anorexia after maintaining for a time would be when suddenly a light would go on and I would start practicing all sorts of rituals and patterns, not all pertaining to food (i.e. making the bed the second I woke up, brushing my teeth twenty times a day, etc.). Toward the end this was also the way those close to me would realize I was slipping back into it again.

The best advice I can offer is that this is a serious disease, and that her family and friends will need to be there for her, even though she will seem to hate them. I pushed so many people away time and again, and it still frightens me how angry I remember being at my parents during that time. An eating disorder becomes someones whole life. Very soon weight and body image become lesser issues (though they still haunt you), and it becomes all about maintaining complete control over yourself.

I think the main reason I recovered when I did was because my parents and some close friends continued to tell me they loved me, continued to force me to go to treatment, continued to watch me maintain my weight and notice when I started losing again, and basically just never gave up no matter how distant, cold, or angry I became.

I understand your concerns that your parents may not be able to handle this in the best way. If there is anything you can do to explain to them the gravity of an eating disorder, and how strong the emotional/psychological portion of the disease is, maybe this would help them understand that they need to help her in this, and that helping her won't be easy.

Also, one more thing, as I'm rambling here, is that getting her to eat is so important for overall therapy as well as health. When you starve yourself long enough, you do start to basic logic skills. I remember being completely unable to think clearly at times, and I think part of that was physiological.

I have no idea if any of this helps, but feel free to PM me with any questions. (I actually can't believe I'm posting all this, but your post really struck a chord with me.)

-Thea

[RebeccaT]

Kyle, you've received such great advice from the wonderful people on this board, so all I will add is that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us posted.

(((((Kyle and Sarah)))))

[JHolcomb]

(((Kyle and Sarah)))

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. My sister is a recovering bulemic. While she never got too thin, she did cause damage to her heart that put her in pedriatic ICU when she was 15. She also refused to take mood stablizing medication because she was afraid they would make her fat. Like I said, she's recovering (though I dunno how, she'd rather die than see a shrink), though every once in a while she'll binge and take a laxative. Thankfully, that's becoming a rare occurance.

Your sister's earlier behavior sounds very much like mine at that age. I thought people were poisioning my food and would only eat if I had seen my mother prepare my meal. I would eat at school if she packed my lunch, but it had to be tomato soup and water. That's all I would eat for a year. I also washed my hands and bathed obsessively. The school even called my mother because they thought what she was sending me to eat was a form of abuse. Unfortunatly, my pediatrician said it was "active imaginiation" and despite other signs that something wasn't right, nothing was persued further until I started having panic attacks at 15. I also studied obsessively until all hours and pushed myself so hard that I was constantly physically ill. I never did develop an eating disorder beyond that, but I was finally diagnosed as bipolar with anxiety disorder in November after years of being told nothing was wrong with me. I really, really feel her pain.

I cannot stress enough the importance of going to the doctor and seeing a psychiatrist and to keep at it until she can find someone who will treat her in a way that she is cool with (a lot of the people I saw early on skeeved me out).

I'm so glad that your mother is concerned and seems open to various treatment options.

Good luck and prayers to you and yours.

[Molli526]

(((((Kyle & Sarah)))))

[wallycat]

(((((Kyle & Sarah)))))

I have no experience with teenage eating disorders...I wish I had something to offer besides a virtual hug.
I will be thinking of you and your families...:( :(

[Gecko]

Kyle...I am so sorry to hear about your sister. I think your Mom is being pro-active and getting her to at least see a doctor. A lot of it will have to come from your sister, and I guess at the moment she doesn't want to admit/doesn't think she has a problem. Hopefully this visit might be a wake-up call for her, and she can start the recovery process. I am sorry that I don't have any first hand experience with this but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

[DmOrtega]

Originally posted by kirkbyky
...
The only other time this has happened was during first grade and she was very fearful of germs and what she was eating, would only eat bread and jelly sandwiches. At that time she was not overly pudgy, nor overly thin and did manage to eat normally when at home, it was at school that the symptoms manifested themselves. She also frequently washed her hands at that time.
...

I'm sorry to hear of this young womans struggle. It must be very difficult for you and everyone involved. I just wanted point out this comment. In that there may be more than just an eating disorder happening. This behavior sounds compulsive/obsessive. I haven't had any expierence personally with this issue but this could be of help.

[kirkbyky]

I just wanted to thank all of you wonderful people who have contacted me with information and prayers. I'm still a bit gaga on information overload, but its a good thing, really! DH had an out of area meeting today, so I've had no one other than my sister Megan to talk to about this.

I do think that Sarah's behavior is probably OCD. I had a bit of it as a child and outgrew it (or it manifested into some unrecognizable form!:o ), but she has been like that as long as I can remember.

I do give my mom credit; she is trying. I just hope they understand how much of a family sacrifice this is going to take. My parents have dealt with our family situation by keeping their heads in the sand, and I feel that Sarah's problem is a direct result of that. Its amazing to me, that although cracked, my other sister Megan and I have escaped somewhat unscathed. I have my moments to be sure, but I've never had a behavior that could end up killing me. Its so very frightening...

Thank you again for all the wonderful support you have given to me and my family.


Kyle

[lindrusso]

I don't have any advice to offer, just hugs and prayers. :)

Alysha

[KristinK]

Kyle, as others have suggested, I think eating disorders can often be a manifestation of obsessive-compulsive tendencies. At least, such was my case. I have always been obsessive about details and organization, and I think it was natural for me to apply that behavior in excessive dieting and exercising.

After dealing with it myself, I know it is difficult to tell you how you can best help her. In my case, I denied my problem until DF started looking at me with tears in his eyes. I was fortunate that that was all it took, and with his guidance, I am still striving toward a better balance.

Because of my experience, I would suggest voicing your concerns with Sarah, while (and this is important!) avoiding confrontation. You clearly understand that she is putting her health at risk, especially because she is still developing. Among other risks, I know a girl - my younger sister's friend - who was told at age 18 that her bulimia had left her unable to have children. Your sister needs to be aware of the consequences of her behavior.

However, as often the case, such an intervention might not be enough. Sarah may likely need counseling, and even medication. (As an aside, my sister's roommate was diagnosed with OCD. Since she began medication for it, my sister has noticed a dramatic difference.) You should research doctors or centers that specialize in these issues before you talk to her, so that you will be prepared to answer any of her quesetions. Offer it as a suggestion, rather than an order, and hopefully she will eventually comply. Whomever she feels most comfortable with (you, Megan, or your mom) should accompany her.

It may take time, but give her constant reassurance that you only want the best for her. As secretive as she is, be prepared for denial and even resentment towards you, despite your sincere efforts to help. It's a terrible situation for all of you, but for Sarah's sake, be persistant.

I wish you the best, and I will keep you in my prayers.

(((((Kyle & Sarah)))))

[KristinK]

My post didn't bump. :(

[greysangel]

Just sending you, your sister and your family lots of hugs ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JeAnne

[jjsooner73]

More hugs and prayers coming your way...

[kirkbyky]

I talked with my mom and Sarah does NOT know that she had a Drs. appt on monday afternoon. My mom hinted that she's afraid that Sarah would bolt if she knew...

<sigh>

kyle

[yorkshirepud]

Kyle,

I would recommend that your mom doesn't spring the medical on her. She will feel like she is being pushed into a corner. She's needs to figure out a way to get her there under her terms. Forcing her at this earlier stage may send her further down the wrong path.

Good luck for Monday.

Adele

[sunberst]

oh my kyle.

i don't have any solid advice as i have never dealt with a situation like this, but i admire your willingness to step up and help your sister out. 15 is a tough age... a lot of emotions run high and they think they are adults and know it all, but sadly they are still children.

best of luck with helping her & many, many hugs to the both of you.

[Laura]

My nephew was aneorexic when he was 14 years old. He was hospitalized 3 times each for about 6 weeks and once came very close to dying. For him, his anorexia was closely related to OCD. Once that was diagnosed and treated, they were able to work on the anorexia. He is now a very healthy fit 27 year old man. But it was a very scary time. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.

[Cookin4Love]

(((((Kyle and Sarah)))))

I, too, have no experience with this, but will certainly pray.

[Peggy]

I have a sister that was anorexic/bulemic for years. It all started at the age of 13 when my grandmother's neighbor made a comment to her about being a bit "chubby". From that moment on, food and eating became an obsession. I'm not sure when the bulemia started but my parents were in total denial and refused to see what was going on. I was the one that "blew the whistle on her" when she visited me at college and I heard her vomiting in the bathroom after a had prepared a meal for her. I was 20 years old at the time: she was 22. I don't think she has ever forgiven me for exposing her, but I think I may have in a way saved her life. After that she was forced by my parents to get help. She now attends Overeaters Annoymous regularly (she is 46 years old), but she still struggle daily with her deamons. Unfortunately, our relationship has never recovered but it is probably just as much my fault as hers.

I think your mom is doing the right thing by getting her help. Support her and your sister and encourage them both. It's a very rough road ahead and there are no easy fixes. But, it sounds like it has been caught early and that is good.

Hugs and best wishes to all of you!

Peggy

[ccooney]

((((Kyle & Sarah))))

I, too, don't have personal experience in this area, but there's some really good advice from others posted here. Many have mentioned that counseling is an important part of recovery and that it will be a long and arduous hall for those who love Sarah to help her.

My sister began bringing my nephew to counseling about a year & a half ago for some problems he was experiencing, and after a couple months they decided that she and her DH needed to go with him once in awhile. In their brief conversations with the counselor before or after his session, they realized the way they were handling his problems were not the healthiest way to help him. You might want to find a way to suggest to your Mom that it would be best for Sarah if she attended some counseling sessions too, in order to better help your sister.

I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

[Chefzhat]

((((((((Kyle))))))))))