Dinner Guest Woes

[beejayw1]

Warning: rant and whine ahead!

Ever wanted to take something fairly firm and thump the heck out of someone's skull? Well, I want to do that today. Right now.

First of all, before I get started, let me say that the evening was very enjoyable and I had a good time.

So...

I'm part of a supper club. Nice people, for the most part, and some good food and a lot of fun.

I was hosting this month's meeting and the theme was 'It's winter, the holidays are over - so where would you be if you didn't have to be here?'

One person said she would bring a key lime pie. Another said she would bring coconut pineapple rice. I made Hawaiian chicken, someone else made ambrosia, another spanakopita, another mushroom empanadas, another a nifty salad. I also provided red sangria and white sangria, veggies and dip, tortilla chips and fruit salsa.

The invitations were sent out right after our last meeting, around December 12. I got my first acceptances about a week later. The holidays hit with a bang, and in the past two weeks I got several more acceptances. Two days before the get-together, one person had to bow out because of a family situation. (I'm not griping about this person.)

So, fast forward to about 1:30 today. I'm running around, getting my chicken ready, doing last-minute straightening.

The phone rings and I answer it.

It's the first person who accepted, who was bringing the key lime pie. She has the flu and can't come. I'm disappointed, but the flu is an absolute excuse and I'm not going to complain. I hope she feels better.

As I'm getting ready to ring off, she says, "Oh, and Annabelle can't come either. She had a last minute prior engagement."

I think "A last minute prior engagement?" and say so.

"I'm not saying this well," says the girl with the flu.

"I see," I say. "Well, if she didn't respond by now, I didn't expect her to show up. I hope you get better: it's a nasty version, I hear."

So, no dessert. I whip up a key lime pie, and fume over the 'last minute prior engagement'

It wasn't until everyone showed up and I checked the list that I realized that 'the last minute prior engagement' was the person who had promised pineapple coconut rice. She didn't come, and she sent her regrets on the day of the get-together, about 2 ½ hours before the get-together, by a third party.

OK, she's off my list of favored folks.

But what do you folks think? Am I too harsh? The flu excuse is acceptable, as is the family problem excuse. I don't want to catch another's illness, and I understand about family. But what about the 'last minute prior engagement'? Especially when the person involved was supposed to bring food?

I plan to stay with this supper club, but I don't think this chick is going to be invited to anything I host.

You're a level-headed, humorous bunch: what do you think???

[Chefzhat]

Oh boy. I'm not a good one to ask - I've been known to bail out of my supper club at the last minute for a few different reasons. I have young boys and a hubby that travels quite a bit. If he gets called away I have no option but to bow out. I always hate it when it happens, and always feel bad that I'm leaving the group without my contribution. I guess I always just hope they are understanding enough (and like me enough!) to make exceptions for me.

How well do you like this member of your group? I'm inclined to say just let it go - it sounds like you had plenty of food. But then again, if she has made a habit of bailing out at the last minute you might want to re-think her membership.

That said, it's frustrating, isn't it? You were probably planning on the rice and that left a whole in your menu. Sorry this wasn't as enjoyable as you were looking forward to.

Debie

[Beth]

I'm probably not a good one to ask either. I've had to bow out myself, but I try to let the other know as soon as I know I can't make it. The flu is the flu, but I tend to think the person that had it might have known they weren't coming more than 2-1/2 hours before they were supposed to be here. Even so, if I liked the people and planned to stay with the group, I'd let this one slide. Depending on how well you know them, you might mention that a little more notice would be appreciated, but I wouldn't make a stink over it if this was just a bad day for the group. If it's more than this time, I'd change my views.

[Kera]

I'm with you Beejayw1. I would be VERY annoyed if someone did this to me. It is bad enough that she waited until the last minute to let anyone know that she wasn't coming, and worse that she couldn't even tell you herself. Maybe I'm the wrong person to ask too, because I have a HUGE pet peeve about unreliable people. My feeling is that if people have so much going on in their lives that they can't be reliable, then they shouldn't make plans where other people are counting on them. I definitely wouldn't invite her to my place again, but I can really hold a grudge on that particular issue.

[lindrusso]

Originally posted by beejayw1
I plan to stay with this supper club, but I don't think this chick is going to be invited to anything I host.

All opinions aside, can you not invite her if it's a club? Isn't everyone included when you have an activity, whether you like them or not?

I ask because I belong to a MOMS Club where we have various activites. When you volunteer to host something, everyone is invited because they belong to the club, you can't just decide not to invite those who are not your favored list (and believe me, there have been people I'd rather not invite :D ). Not hosting is certainly an option, but we cannot pick and choose who gets invited - that would not be fair.

Again, not offering an opinion, just coming from a different angle. :)

Alysha

[jjsooner73]

I know firsthand how frustrating it is when people cancel at the last minute. It's happened to me plenty of times. At least you got a phone call; many times I get them by email, which I don't always check and then find out really at the last minute, if not after the event!!

I'd say give her another chance, unless this is a repeated behavior. Sometimes, things to happen...maybe it was something personal that she didn't want to go into detail about?

[HejazSunKat]

Well, it was not nicely done of her and exasperating because these are grown-ups who know better but I'd be inclined to give her another chance too. If it were to become a habit with this person then as a group I would probably talk to her about it and tell her it seems obvious she really doesn't have the time to make the kind of commitment the group requires for meetings to be successful and enjoyable for everyone.

I'm still sore because I had two Christmas dinner guests (who'd committed well before the day) show up at my house an hour early, drop off a couple of presents without even saying who they were for (they were for us - the hosts) telling us they'd be back at the appointed hour then calling from somebody else's house an hour and a half later saying the husband wasn't feeling well (he'd looked fine 90 minutes before) and they wouldn't be coming for dinner - this after I'd spent about $400 bucks getting ready for the dinner (including food, liquor, flowers etc) and even bought them gifts (which were returned)! Now that's unforgivable and needless to say they will never be invited back.

LOL - A last minute prior engagement - I like that one! There's a good oxymoron for you.

[colleency]

Maybe the woman with the flu misquoted the rice woman when she said last minute prior engagement. I know I say wierd things when I'm sick. However, the rice woman should definately have called herself. I guess I'm lucky; my supper club is so loosely formed that we never have a problem if people don't show up. We just eat what there is. I think we tend to cook too much though. There is always a ton left over.

[mobear]

Give her another chance. I feel like I rush to judge people quickly for their actions...in terms of taking it as an affront. Like others said, if she has a pattern of this then talk about it as a group. I also say this because we started a Supper Club, but due to my involvement in another activity (which often ropes me into suprise last-minute engagements) and a long-distance relationship, I have about 2 weekends a month or less left free. I don't expect the club to schedule everything around my schedule, and I would think it unfair if they expected me to attend every event. We just all lead busy lives. Maybe just approach her about it nicely and say, I would have liked a phone call directly from you sooner than the day before so that I could have planned to replace your dish. It is better than staying quiet and angry about it, letting it build up inside of you till you burst out at her in the future.

[Chefzhat]

Originally posted by beejayw1

Those are 'family reasons' (see the first part of my post). Someone else did it with this meeting. It was acceptable. Especially considering that she had the guts to let us know herself and not send the message through another party.

Actually, I didn't. No dessert (the flu), no rice (the chick who bailed out and didn't have the guts to call me herself and used the astonishingly stupid expression 'last minute prior engagement'. I had to make a dessert, myself. We did without the side dish. I also had to provide munchies for the person who had the family excuse (again, not complaining about her or the person with the flu.)

See. Told you I was the wrong one to ask! Just ignore my level-headed opinion.

I realize you just wanted people to agree with you. Go thunk her on the head!

[Molli526]

Well, I know in our supper club, things like that happen. I have bailed out once or twice before b/c something did come up. I called as soon as possible, and they went on w/o the dish. Although I have already commited, supper club is lower on my priorities than other things, so I cancelled out on that. I know others have too. It's life. I also agree with Alysha about you "not inviting" someone who is a member of your club - that's pretty hard when she's a member. Personally, I think you over-reacted. It sounds like there was plenty of food and when it has happened to me when I host, I just tell everyone that so-and-so couldn't come due to whatever reason they gave me, and that's why we don't have whatever. People understand.

[Molli526]

Originally posted by beejayw1


I did that. We all howled after our initial surprise.


Then what was the problem? Everyone understood. No biggie. Obviously your supper club is different than others, but when someone misses ours, we go without that course and maybe eat a little more of what is available, instead of the host or someone else scrambling.

[Jessica]

I think there are two pieces here. One is the person's bad manners, and the other is the fact that she left you without part of the dinner.

I don't blame you for being annoyed that she bailed at the last minute. We once had a couple call and tell us they were not coming to our dinner party that evening because they just didn't feel like going out. She should have called you herself, and preferably she should have called a day or two earlier.

I belong to a supper club with seven other busy women and often one person or other has something come up. If one woman is consistently canceling and not participating, you might want to ask if she still wants to be in the group. But if it is a one-time thing, it might not be worth upsetting the group's balance.

[Molli526]

Hmmm.

What is this - make your posts disappear after you don't like that someone quotes them?

[beejayw1]

Originally posted by Molli526
Hmmm.

What is this - make your posts disappear after you don't like that someone quotes them?

This is the first and last time I'm going to answer a personal comment like this one.

The quotes are still there for everyone to see. If I don't like people quoting me or disagreeing with me, I can have the entire thread deleted. It was not done in this case.

The posts were deleted because I didn't like the fact that an argument appeared to be developing, and I didn't want to contribute to it.

This group of people is, as I have said, level-headed and humorous for the most part. Confrontational exchanges like this:
See. Told you I was the wrong one to ask! Just ignore my level-headed opinion.

I realize you just wanted people to agree with you. Go thunk her on the head!

And yours that I quoted above tend to be out of place on this board, and I choose to censor myself (I took Chefzhat to task for her sceond one and had started an answer to yours before I thought better of it) rather than contribute to any unpleasant exchanges.

[Molli526]

Originally posted by beejayw1


The quotes are still there for everyone to see. If I don't like people quoting me or disagreeing with me, I can have the entire thread deleted. It was not done in this case.



Originally posted by beejayw1


You're a level-headed, humorous bunch: what do you think???


Then why did you ask for opinions if you only wanted to hear that everyone agreed with you?

[beejayw1]

Originally posted by Molli526
Then why did you ask for opinions if you only wanted to hear that everyone agreed with you?

Look at the other responses, Molli. Most people didn't agree with me and suggested that I should simmer down:

Originally posted by Beth
Even so, if I liked the people and planned to stay with the group, I'd let this one slide. Depending on how well you know them, you might mention that a little more notice would be appreciated, but I wouldn't make a stink over it if this was just a bad day for the group. If it's more than this time, I'd change my views.

Originally posted by Lindrusso
All opinions aside, can you not invite her if it's a club? Isn't everyone included when you have an activity, whether you like them or not? …
I ask because I belong to a MOMS Club where we have various activites. When you volunteer to host something, everyone is invited because they belong to the club, you can't just decide not to invite those who are not your favored list (and believe me, thereave been people I'd rather not invite ). Not hosting is certainly an option, but we cannot pick and choose who gets invited - that would not be fair.
Originally posted by JJSooner
I'd say give her another chance, unless this is a repeated behavior. Sometimes, things to happen...maybe it was something personal that she didn't want to go into detail about?

Originally posted by Hejazsunkat
Well, it was not nicely done of her and exasperating because these are grown-ups who know better but I'd be inclined to give her another chance too. If it were to become a habit with this person then as a group I would probably talk to her about it and tell her it seems obvious she really doesn't have the time to make the kind of commitment the group requires for meetings to be successful and enjoyable for everyone.
Originally posted by Colleency
Maybe the woman with the flu misquoted the rice woman when she said last minute prior engagement. I know I say wierd things when I'm sick. However, the rice woman should definately have called herself. I guess I'm lucky; my supper club is so loosely formed that we never have a problem if people don't show up. We just eat what there is. I think we tend to cook too much though. There is always a ton left over.
Originally posted by Mobear
Give her another chance. I feel like I rush to judge people quickly for their actions...in terms of taking it as an affront.
Originally posted by Jessica
I belong to a supper club with seven other busy women and often one person or other has something come up. If one woman is consistently canceling and not participating, you might want to ask if she still wants to be in the group. But if it is a one-time thing, it might not be worth upsetting the group's balance.
And now I am bowing out of this line of discussion with you.

[Molli526]

You are the one who said you didn't like people disagreeing with you.

[beejayw1]

OK, Molli. This is my last response to you.

Originally posted by Molli526
You are the one who said you didn't like people disagreeing with you. [/B]

Did you read what I said? Here's my quote:

This group of people is, as I have said, level-headed and humorous for the most part. Confrontational exchanges like this...

And yours that I quoted above tend to be out of place on this board, and I choose to censor myself (I took Chefzhat to task for her sceond one and had started an answer to yours before I thought better of it) rather than contribute to any unpleasant exchanges.

Disagreement/discussion and confrontation are two different things. You can disagree with someone and discuss it without getting into a personal, derogatory discussion.

[Kera]

I didn't think you were trying to get everyone to agree with you beejay. Funny how the ones taking issue with this are the ones who admit to being the type to bail out at the last minute for similar events themselves. Looks like this issue hit a little too close to home for them.

[lindrusso]

Methinks it is time for this thread to wither and fly away.....along wtih any hard feelings. :(

Miss Manners? Are you out there???

[ccooney]

OK, I have to say that on the subject of this dinner guest, I agree with everyone here in one way or another.

First of all, there is just no such thing as a last minute prior engagement. It's either a last minute engagement or a prior engagement, it can't be both. I have been known to bow out of an engagement at the last minute due to a prior engagement I'd forgotten about, but I accepted that it was my fault and apologized that I was inconveniencing others.

Second of all, if this is indeed what happened with this guest, she should've A) called you herself, taken responsibility for the mistake, and apologized, and B) made arrangements to get the dish she promised to your home to minimize the inconvenience to you.

Thirdly, I agree with those who said that she should get another chance. I have been burned before when I made assmuptions about what a third party has said, and it's possible that since you didn't get the information right from the horse's mouth, so to speak, what you heard may not be completely accurate, or it may have gotten a spin on it that was influenced by another's opinion.

That said, I think it would be perfectly OK to call the dinner guest yourself to express to her that her presence was missed, and thereby try to assess how you want to handle invitations in the future.

[swquilts]

Well I'm right up there with you today. Here's my story:

On Wed I invited our good friends, my sister and folks over for a Weinerschnitzel feed. I assumed that I would have 8 for dinner and bought meat accordingly. I told our friends that dinner would be at about 5:30 and why don't they come over about 4:30 for drinks, etc.

At noon on Sat I call the friends, speak with him and tell him the time again, etc, etc. He says OK.

I call them at about 5:00 wondering where they are.....she is just getting home AND HAS SOMEONE COMING OVER TO DO THEIR NAILS AT 6:30!!! I was livid. What was she thinking to schedule a nail appt when she knew she was coming for dinner?????

This isn't the first time this has happened either, they are constantly late. She blames him, but I think it's more her most of the time. Grrrrrrr..........

These are really close friends, but my patience is waning.

[aggie94]

Originally posted by Kera
Maybe I'm the wrong person to ask too, because I have a HUGE pet peeve about unreliable people. My feeling is that if people have so much going on in their lives that they can't be reliable, then they shouldn't make plans where other people are counting on them. I definitely wouldn't invite her to my place again, but I can really hold a grudge on that particular issue.

I have to agree with this 100%. If supper club is low on your priority list such that you would bail for another engagement at the last minute, then don't join. Or at least drop your dish off at the host's house before bowing out. Others are counting on you to be there and to bring something. If you don't want to commit to participating, then don't sign up in the first place. As you can see, I have a HUGE pet peeve against flaky people.

[greysangel]

Eva - I agree with you and also agree with everything connie said.

I don't have many pet peeves, but extreme lateness (over 20 minutes for other people/I personally hate being even 5 minutes late myself) and flakiness.

I seem to encounter the problem with any more than 2 people coming over for dinner. Either people bring something other than what they said they were going to, or they don't bring enough for the number of people there, or they bail out at the last minute. And don't even get me started on last minute email cancellation...that is LAME!! There is nothing like turning up to meet a friend for dinner, have them not show up and then come home or work the next morning to an email cancelling. DH and I have stopped throwing parties because at our last one, (an apt warming) about 40 people rsvp'd they were coming and about 12 turned up. We were eating red pepper dip and other assorted munchables for a week :rolleyes:

I guess the bottom line is I feel everyone's time (including mine) is precious and valuable. I treat people with that respect, and I guess I would hope others would treat me the same way. Hosting a dinner party is a lot of work. A lot of fun, but a lot of work. Repeatedly flaking out or holding out and then cancelling at the last minute for the best social offer tends to hurt.

JeAnne

JeAnne

[DebMG]

Susan (swquilts) - I just have to say that your friends' excuse for coming late to dinner tops the cake! Having their nails done - at 6:30. Too much!

Back to this supper club thing, we just started a club of 8 women. In fact, we have our first dinner in a couple of weeks. One bowed out a couple of days ago, which is no big deal because we can do some rearranging of dishes. But I think that when you give less than 48 hours' notice, you should provide the dish anyway.

Beejay's thread brings up some interesting issues, and has me thinking about addressing some of them at our first dinner, just so everyone understands and agrees. I inititated this dinner group and I now wish I had been a bit clearer right from the beginning about making a commitment when you join. I can already see that some are taking it pretty seriously, while others seem to have a more laid-back attitude, like if nothing else comes up (children's sports events, hair appt, etc.) they will make it.

Debbie

[ellamay]

DH and I joke there are only two rules about throwing a party: people who say that they're definitely coming won't show, and people who didn't RSVP at all will come, usually with 2 or 3 other people in tow. :)

I have also gotten frustrated with constant lateness and no-shows...I am always happy to spend time with my friends, but I do sometimes wonder what happened to common courtesy. Obviously, if you are invited over for dinner and cancel at the last minute, the host is going to be inconvenienced because they will have an overabundance of food, or will be short some item because you aren't able to bring it. I always thought being friends with someone meant you avoided inconveniencing them whenever possible...

I was raised that once you accept an invitation, you only cancel if there is severe illness or a death in the family. I still stick to that rule. We have had to cancel unexpectedly at times, but never because we were "too busy," "didn't feel like it" or "forgot" -- all excuses we have heard from people who canceled on us. Not to mention the couple who canceled on New Year's Eve because the husband got so drunk in the afternoon he passed out before they were supposed to come over, and the wife couldn't get him up :rolleyes:. At least we had invited some other people, who did show.

So beejay, I would have been upset also. I am all for being accepting and forgiving of people, but when we're talking about adults who probably know better, I don't know how accepting I am of bad manners.

[greysangel]

Originally posted by ellamay
DH and I joke there are only two rules about throwing a party: people who say that they're definitely coming won't show, and people who didn't RSVP at all will come, usually with 2 or 3 other people in tow. :)


That is the truth!!!

Just as a little comic relief (or head shaker..not sure which)...

Every year around 4th of July, my husband's company has an annual picnic. It's a pretty big to do with eats, drinks, games etc. The invitation is for employee and immediate family. Now I always thought immediate family means s.o. and kids, or maybe mom or dad if you aren't attached. This past summer, one of the co workers bailed at the last minute (she had rsvpd for two), and her son and THREE of his friends showed up in her place.

Kinda makes ya wonder... :D

J

[Beth]

Diana, I think you took what I said differently than I meant it since you quoted me immediately after saying folks thought you should settle down.

I didn't say I wouldn't be angry, and I even went further to say I would doubt not only the last minute prior engagement but also that the person with the flu couldn't have called earlier.

I also qualified the rest of my reply saying depending on how well I knew the people and whether I planned to stay with the group. You're asking about people we don't know at all and don't know how well you know them or how comfortable you are with them. That's something we can't judge. Depending on who it was, I might say something very straight forward, or I might let them know that a little more notice would be appreciated if there is a next time -- so you have a chance to plan around it, make a dash to the store, etc.

Anyway, I didn't say I wouldn't be angry or bothered, but you have to judge whether its worth making a stink over, whether you can say something more subtle and have it mean anything with those folks, or whether you should wait and see if it happens again. They were probably wrong and they were insensitive. We all hate it when that happens. You have to decide how to handle it, and you know the people and situations the best.

Personally, I tend to give people the right to screw up once in a while and let some things slide. That's me. I also will call someone on something the very first time if I feel strongly about it. If this is going to bother you enough that it will be difficult to enjoy being with them in the future, then you need to talk to them about it or bow out of the group. You know yourself and the rest of the group far better than we do.

[tbb113]

I understand EXACTLY why you feel like you do. I belonged to a supper club. Unfortunately, due to my travel schedule and my kids there were a number of times I had to cancel (never last minute though). If it was due to my kids, I always offered to bring the food I was supposed to bring. We had a number of couples that dropped out of the group after signing up for the next dinner. When I decided to drop the group, I let everyone know that December would be my last dinner. That way when the menu was being created for February, it was less one dish.

Unfortunately, common courtesy just isn't that common anymore!

[Gilgamesh37]

<Cringing> This brings up an occasion that I had truly blocked from my memory....

My ex had a fairly serious drinking problem, but before I had realized it as such, it was pretty common for him to go out on Friday nights, and either I would join him for a brief while and then go home (leaving him to come home after the bar closed) or I would skip altogether. One Saturday evening around 8 the phone rang and it was one of our friends--I said hello, she said hello and then just waited....obviously expecting me to make some sort of reply. I was clueless. Finally she said "Um, are you COMING to dinner, or not?" Turns out the prior evening she had had an extensive discussion with my husband and invited the two of us to dinner, she'd gone to significant trouble to make this special smoked chicken--and of course, I knew nothing about it, because my husband hadn't mentioned it. In fact, he didn't even remember the invitation, even after the phone call. I was mortified. :eek: :o

Sorry, that was a hijack, but it just came back to me so clearly. I'd be annoyed too, especially in hte context of a dinner club where you know other people are counting on your contribution. It's just plain rude-- *especially* to have someone ELSE phone in your pretty palid excuse.

[Chefzhat]

Originally posted by Kera
I didn't think you were trying to get everyone to agree with you beejay. Funny how the ones taking issue with this are the ones who admit to being the type to bail out at the last minute for similar events themselves. Looks like this issue hit a little too close to home for them.

To clarify - I've had to bail out of our supper club for legitimate reasons. My group (hopefully) is flexible about things like this for all it's members. If they are threatening to club me over the head, I haven't heard about it yet.

So, yes it did hit a bit close to home. Thanks for pointing that out.

[Gail]

We're all different personalities. Some of us have the ability to let things roll off our backs, others want to spit nails. I'm going to assume that unreliability happens to be one of those traits which doesn't mix with you, Diana, and for that reason this incident hit you harder than it did with others. (And for what it's worth, this behavior would've made me want to spit nails.) Why wouldn't you be upset, after all? The person makes a promise she doesn't keep. She then doesn't have the common courtesy to tell you herself she isn't going to be attending. And, the particular excuse you were given could be paraphrased as saying "You're not as important as something or someone else"-- something nobody wants to hear.

BUT-- and this is a big but-- this is MY perception. This is a gut reaction of a person who HATES unreliability and doesn't know any of the people in this story. Member X may actually have meant no harm. Member X may've felt that having her excuse delivered by someone else was better than not having it get to you at all. (After all, we don't know these people or the circumstances.) The bearer of the message may have forgotten what she was told and may have bungled things herself. Or maybe Member X really had committed to something else previously and is too embarrassed to confront you personally, thus she had the message delivered by proxy. A lot of things COULD'VE happened.

In my case, there's the distinct possibility I would never completely trust Member X again. I can't say with certainty, because I'm on the outside looking in and the shutter slats are partially closed, so I'm only getting part of the picture. I might be leery of her and watch her behavior-- see if she pulls this sort of stunt again, or if it was just an isolated incident. In any case, I don't see that you can exclude her from the group in the future. If she routinely cancels, the next time you host I'd plan for her not to be there and make extra food-- and if she does show up, you'll simply have more food than you bargained on.

[JenniferJJ]

Just for the specific situation, I say it's not a big deal. You had one less dish, but also one less person. (Which is different than JeAnne's case, for instance, where it sounds like she was providing the food and made too much due to no-calls, no-shows.) To me, the whole point of supper club is just to have fun and try new dishes. It's different than if you were counting on a specific dish to serve another group.

Also, as someone said, you got the messege third hand. You don't really know what happened. Maybe it's something personal or embarrassing and she just didn't want everyone to know and "prior last minute engagement" might have been a misspeak. Someone was supposed to show at my supper club last night and did not without a notice. I emailed her this morning and asked if everything was okay and told her we missed her. She wrote back that she had something upsetting happen and just didn't feel like being social. She added that she hoped she could join us for February.

And although it would have been better for the person to notify you first hand, it may have been just for convenience-sake and not necessarily out of discourteousness. I mean if Miss No Show is busy with plumbing issues, she might have just asked the person she was talking to to let you know since she was busy. Now it would be nice for her to call you later and just talk to you herself and explain the situation.

And althought poorly worded, I don't think "prior last-minute" engagement" is necessily an oxymoron. Oh boy, did I feel like a jerk when I had to cancel out of HOSTING at my house. I had invited people over for a casual dinner during the week. At the last minute, some friends of mine asked me to babysit so they could attend to some important family business. This couple has helped me so much during times of crisis for me (almost more than my parents), so babysitting their kids was the least I could do. Actually, only one person had said she was coming to the dinner. I apologized and explained the situation to her and she totally understand. While committments are important, whoever is on my calendar first is not what gets done. It tries to be, but sometimes other things come up. Helping someone who has helped me a lot was more important than having people over for dinner...staying home from a volunteer committment happened because I was tired to the point of not being able to hold my head up (and probably would have cancelled anyway due to some plumbing issues).

[VictoriaL]

I will use this post to initiate a conversation with our Supper Club members at our next meeting about when to cancel, and what the hostess should do if there is a cancellation. Perhaps I'm not remembering correctly, but in the past 17 months that we've been together (in present form)there was only one cancellation and, although this was not last-minute (I believe there was a few days, perhaps 4, beforehand?)this member was bringing a main-course and, to be honest, I don't even remenber if I prepared anything to fill-in! But I suppose that it is inevitable that it will happen eventually and we should probably discuss it before it happens and causes problems.

That being said, I would only cancel last-minute if I were sick (I don't think that anyone would want to eat food prepared by a sick person and I'm not about to infect any of my friends!). Oh, I do remember another cancellation, and that person was assigned the main course, but she had unexpected guests so she actually prepared the dish in advance and delivered it to the host's house a few hours before the dinner. Now, that's the classy way to do it! :D

[sneezles]

I have to agree with the fact that even if Member X was bailing she should have called the host and bailed on her own. I think it's pretty chicken sh*t to ask someone who is sick to deliver a message for you. And with the flu it is very realistic to only know 2 1/2 hours before the event. My DH was once hit with the flu as we were walking out the door for dinner...I put him to bed and went on to the dinner party...I'm not one to miss a good meal cooked by someone else!:p

[wallycat]

OK, I have to state my 2cents :o

I would FEEL like spitting nails. I would rant and rave to DH how ungrateful, unappreciative and inconsiderate member X was...(I too hate tardiness and last minute info..)
then it would blow over, I would contact them and explain it cannot happen again...if it did, member X would not be a member :eek:

[Kyra]

The rice lady should have called you herself, not asked someone else to call for her. While she may or may not have had a legitimate reason to cancel, she has no excuse (other than a real emergency) for not calling you herself.

Just my .02!

kyra

[Beth]

Originally posted by sneezles
And with the flu it is very realistic to only know 2 1/2 hours before the event. My DH was once hit with the flu as we were walking out the door for dinner

It is possible for a virus to come on suddenly, but I know when my son came down with the flu, he was in the nurse's office twice without a fever when they called me. He didn't eat much the day before, and it was a few hours after I brought him home that he spiked a fever. It can go either way, and to be honest, if it were only one person bailing and the sicke person wasn't also delivering a cancelation for another person, I might not think twice about it at all.