apologies?

[mightyh]

Has anyone else noticed that the number of apologies asked for or posted on this board has increased probably twenty-fold over the past month?

I've never participated in any other bulletin boards, but noticed that, in the past, many have praised this board for its civility and comraderie. I hope that's not changing.

I propose that we all think hard about what we want to post and remember that words, even on "paper," can still sting. There's just no need to hurt others' feelings--that's not why any of us come to the board. I think, with a little care, we can avoid most of these situations and everyone will feel a little better.

http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

[Don]

I've noticed it too. A lot of folks seem to be venting, and then they feel terrible about it later. Could it be post-holiday stress or the effect of Winter?

[BethR]

I think it's bound to happen because with written messages, you can't see body language or hear tone of voice. Something typed can sound like an insult even when it was not meant that way at all. And I agree that winter doldrums and post-holiday stress could be part of this.
Beth

[erinyyc]

It could also be that we tend to stray into non-CL/food isues( which I don't mind personally ) that can get a a little personal. You get to know more about someone... they become more than just a name to swap ideas/recipies, ask advice etc. with. Beth R made a very good point about body language/tone of voice, it can change the meaning of somethig 100%!! Anyway, maybe we could all try to keep this in mind when reading/posting a message. I really enjoy the topics that let us know a little more about each other and would hate to lose them! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif
Erin

[JLS]

I have also noticed the change lately, and have been thinking about it. One thread in particular, may have caused us to loose a fellow bb'er (I don't think she has posted since).

[hhcowgirl]

JLS:

I am dying to know who that was--how long ago was the thread/offensive comment? I noticed something similar on the healthy living bb but not over here. . . .

[lindrusso]

So far, this board has shown amazing civility and politeness - even with the occasional spat or two (unless I've missed some that you all are referring to).

I think it's a good idea to think long and hard before sending a message. If you are angry and upset, it's almost a given that what you are trying to say just isn't going to come out right - even if you have a legitimate point. Wait a day. Most likely your anger will subside and it won't seem like such a big deal anymore or maybe you'll be able to word your message more tactfully.

Don't send anything that you wouldn't say to someone's face. There's road rage - where people behave outrageously because they are in a protected environment. The same holds true for bulletin boards. It's so easy to type out something hurtful or rude and in one little click, it's sent and can't be taken back.

If you want to vent, vent away, but don't send it. Once a friend of mine made me very angry when she sent an obnoxious email. Instead of responding to her, I typed everything I wanted to say to her in an email and sent it to a trusted friend instead. I got it off my chest, my other friend got a good laugh, and the obnoxious friend got nothing but silence.

I enjoy these boards so much in part because everyone is amazingly friendly, helpful and thoughtful. I think it will stay that way as long as we all take time to think and treat each other as we'd like to be treated. And let's not sweat the small stuff. If someone doesn't word something in the best possible way or most tactful way - give them the benefit of the doubt and assume (at least until proven otherwise) that they are not trying to be malicious - in most cases they're not.

[This message has been edited by lindrusso (edited 01-28-2001).]

[Mamasue]

I couldn't have said it better lindrusso (Al).....thanks and Amen! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

[carolyn.1]

Hi everyone--
I am one of the guilty ones. I stopped posting for a while. I have always had a problem with writing. When I put my thoughts on paper they are not any different than saying to someone's face, but they come over to strong, and alittle too forward. My husband used to have to critique (sp) the notes I would send to my children's school teachers. He said the teachers would take it out on my children. So that's how bad I am.
I believe I unknowingly hurt some feelings, so I feel its best if I stopped participating. Which is okay for me. I love this board and miss you, but I do feel its better this way. http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/frown.gif Carolyn http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/frown.gif

[hhcowgirl]

Okay, personally I feel that this is getting really out of hand. I'm sure this will simply drive Carolyn away even further, but is it possible that many bb'ers are simply suffering from oversensitivity? I mean, I don't understand how you could be so offended by a comment by some person who has never even met you that you would force yourself to stay away from such delightful food tips/discussions. Why don't we all merely lighten up a little!! I, for one, find that any derogatory comment that could have been perceived as directed toward me has always helped me to learn and grow. Let's stop taking things so personally and encourage the free expression that has made this BB so unique!

[Ed]

Hi,

I, like so many others, like what you said Lindrusso.

I would only add this admonitian when writing or speaking or doing.

"When in doubt --- Don't."

Another thing that I have learned is to: be kind and patient with others, because they're fighting a hard battle too.

So Carolyn, I'm sure you have some wonderful comments and recipes to share with others. I would suggest that you keep on, but keep in mind when you write that if you're in doubt whether what you say will be recieved properly, then write it again, and again if necessary. When you're satisfied then submit your comments.

In my opinion, (imo), we can never know too many nice people. So if you drop out you'll miss knowing many of the fine people, and really good cooks on this board, and they'll miss not getting to know the nice person you are too.

Best Wishes and Happy Cooking,

Ed

[luv2cook]

here-here! Also, I think the use of the little smiley legend would help, too. If you're trying to be lighthearted, throw in a smiley! I love that thing - probably use it too much. Someone said, not too long ago, that this board moves really fast. I know I have missed messages and the newbies ask a question that we have just discussed last week. If we can concentrate on directing, not chastising and being helpful to each other, I think that will go a long way.

Also, may I suggest that if we want something from each other and we get no response, maybe send an e-mail to that person. I, for one, do not want any one of you thinking I have ignored a question or request, etc. I find the search function to be so frustrating at times and sometimes I don't have time to go hunting through tons of posts in hopes of spotting something that may not exist. Anyway, just a thought... http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif

[This message has been edited by luv2cook (edited 01-29-2001).]

[LGBurns]

While I agree with lindrusso whole-heartedly (I love your e-mail suggestion and plan to use it in the future), I think the flip side to being reflective in writing posts is being reflective in reading them as well. If you find yourself taking a post personally, sit back for a minute and really question what it is that you're upset about. Or maybe just leave the post and re-read it the next day. I guess I'm trying to say that I think it's true that the people on this bb are civil, kind and thoughtful -- so let's give each other the benefit of the doubt.

A friend of my husband's recently gave him an excellent piece of advise that we both have been trying to follow lately. Each person is in their own orbit in a way -- so when someone says something that bothers you try thinking "hm, that's an interesting orbit that person is in." No need to be sucked in to it yourself.

[This message has been edited by LGBurns (edited 01-29-2001).]

[Gina O]

Lindrusso, great comments, well said. It is very easy to forget that we don't have the benefit of tone, inflection and body language while typing. I was once the recipient of a comment that hurt my feelings, perhaps because the writer did not understand that I was being lighthearted with my post. I thought about responding, but chose not to and just wrote it off to miscommunication. I want to keep this BB an open, friendly, caring community.

Just one more thought on the subject... is it possible that as we become more comfortable with each other, we feel more free to say exactly how we feel? If that is the case, I do hope that we find a way to keep negative comments from this board. Gina

[MrsReber]

Okay, if I am reading the right thread, I didn't see anything particularly nasty about the response. I believe I've read worse responses in the past, actually. Sure, we should all be sensitive of newer members and I am not defending anyone in any way. And people do have bad days. I have gotten a couple of emails at my home address from people on the BB apologizing for posting something that sounded just horrible. Lindrusso probably said it best, though. No, we don't have the benefit of voice inflection and gestures and that's a bad thing. I generally ignore the remarks and move on since, inevitably, another person will come along and post a more lighthearted response. So, if you don't want to answer someone's question or you feel that the question has been asked 100 times, simply don't respond at all. Remember what mama always said "if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all". http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/wink.gif

[carolyn.1]

Ed, thank you so much for your "as usual" kind words. I do believe I need to further explain--I do, rewrite several times my replys (from experience) so when I hit that submit button I'm certain not to offend anyone, but it still comes over too strong. When I write it appears that I am aggrevated when that is farthest from the truth. Some replys on this post suggest that their is venting and road rage on paper, I certainly am not in that category, I am not upset or venting at all. My problem is I don't write well! For example I could say to hhcowgirl that I am not oversensitive, and that she does not understand what I was conveying. But I believe that would not be a good line.
I have learned alot from this board, I will take your advise Ed and continue to listen and write.
Thank you
Carolyn--

[Ed]

Hi Carolyn,

What you wrote sounds just fine to me, thanks for your post to the BB. Glad you're sticking around.

Ed

[debg]

Okay, okay. I haven't replied to this post yet. Been putting it off for my fear of offending someone.

But I have to say that although I have read some "tense" words coming out of few posts, I believe they were in no way meant to "offend!" I know I have contradicted others and others have contradicted me. We have so many wonderful people here - and for each one of us, we have so many wonderful ideas. What are the odds that our opinions match? And, what a boring, Stepford Wives world we would live in if we each felt and did the same. I'm certain some of you have made a recipe that got RAVE reviews and felt it was just so-so and vice versa. The reason we have such a wonderful world is due to the collaboration and sharing of all ideas. With no one's idea being lesser. Please don't be offended when someone "begs to differ". I would hate for us to lose anyone (carolyn - you included!) over petty indifferences.

So yes, lighten up, remember what is truly important in this world, think of the "orbit" someone may be in and know your opinion counts here. That's why I love this place. Oh yeah, use those smilies too! http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/wink.gif

I'm sure my words have not all been worded correctly, but I truly believe we all have something of value to contribute.

[This message has been edited by debg (edited 02-01-2001).]

[LGBurns]

Hear, hear debg! (or is it here, here?) Anyway, couldn't have said it better myself!

Linda

[hhcowgirl]

Ditto!! Please don't take a simple difference of opinion so seriously!! (enough to quit the bb??? Please!)