Family wedding invitation

[sneezles]

I know there have been threads on the ediquette concerning how the invtation is addressed but I have a bit of a quandry. About 6 months ago my youngest brother sent out announcements that his daughter would be getting married in April. My two older DSs rec'd the same announcement so I'm assuming they will receive the same invitation. However, I have one son that still lives at home and the invitation that arrived today is addressed to Mr and Mrs both on the outside envelope and the inside (I thought that would have been addressed by first names) so there is no mention of my youngest son and the rsvp card only has Mr and Mrs ___________will _____________will not
attend.
My brother and I aren't close, rarely see each other (he lives in Arizona and basically married into his wife's family---her parents followed them to Arizona) so I don't think I can exactly call him up and say, "hey, what's the deal here?"
I have written to another sister (she'd be the matriarch of the clan, poor thing) but I'm at a loss. We were really looking forward to making a sort of reunion out of this wedding. My guys have only met their cousins 3 times!

[stefania4]

Hmmm, tough one. How old is your youngest son? Some couples set an age limit and, if he's young (under 12), then it may be that he isn't invited. Either way, I'd call and double-check.

Kudos to you, by the way, for not making assumptions on the invitation! By the time my wedding rolled around I'd seen SO many nightmare situations from people assuming their kids were invited and bringing them along to adult-only weddings that we were extremely explicit in the invitation insert.

[GalNC]

I would have to ask how old is the son who lives at home? I'm having a wedding in April. Because we had to invite so many people, we had to make an age cut-off. I belive our cut-off was 16. So, for example, my fiance's 17 year old cousin was invited, but the 3 younger children were not.

Depending on where you lived though, and if you had to travel a great distance to make it to the wedding, I would think the youngest son would be invited. I would say call and ask. He's family, so it's not like it's improper to have him clarify.

[sneezles]

I might agree with the cut-off but my son will turn 17 on the date of the wedding and he's more than a month older than their youngest child. Now, it's true we've not seen each other very often but if I can remember the date of their youngest don't you think they would remember I have a third child? :p

[Kathy B]

My guess would be that your brother and SIL just gave a list to the bride-to- be's mom, and if you don't see them that often, it would be easy enough for one name (your youngest son's) to inadvertently be over-looked. A phone call should set things straight easily enough, and either way, you will be glad you asked. (One would hate to show up uninvited, but one would also hate to miss out if he truly was supposed to be invited!)

[sneezles]

Originally posted by Kathy B
My guess would be that your brother and SIL just gave a list to the bride-to- be's mom,

They are the bride-to-be's folks!

[HejazSunKat]

Hmmm...your older sons received an 'announcement' of the engagement but not yet an invitation to the wedding as you did? I'd wait and see if they get separate invitations. If invitations do arrive for each of them in the next few days then I'd say it sounds like the hosts intend for your entire family to be there and somebody's made an inadvertent oversight in excluding your youngest. If they don't get them I'd say they've made it clear it's just you and DH they want there (well, I guess that's obvious huh?). If it turns out the older boys do get separate invitations then I'd contact somebody and find out what the intention is. Even if they've made a rule about only xxx age and older it would be passing strange to leave out one member of a family when all the rest are invited. If it were me I'd have said we can't do that, it's either invite everybody even if it breaks our 'rules' or just the parents.

Ok, so what do you do if they DID intend to exclude him (and the only reason I can imagine would be that they've got some kind of age limit on the party)? I'd ask him if he even cares to go and if not, problem solved. I know you'd like to have ALL of your family attend but, it is their party.

[Kathy B]

Originally posted by sneezles


They are the bride-to-be's folks!

Oops! Read that wrong! But I still think it could easily be an oversight with all the wedding hubbub going on. A simple phone call could clear it right up and leave no doubt.

[lakelady1]

The invitation is pretty clear -- just you and DH are invited (by the way, putting formal titles on the inside envelope is correct; outside would be Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Smith, inside Mr. and Mrs. Smith, not "Uncle Jim and Aunt Mary" or whatever).

HOWEVER, if your other children get their own invitations I would discretely inquire if the youngest was also supposed to be included. At his age, he should have received a separate invitation from yours (even though he is living in the same house), and maybe it was lost or something. If the others don't receive an invitation, even after an announcement, I would assume either the wedding guest list was trimmed or the family decided not to invite a lot of out of town people who could not come and might feel obligated to give a gift.

(Or maybe they are just jerks?) ;)

[helios7]

Several of the books we've found/read/consulted say that 18 is the cutoff for an child living at home to receive their own invite. Meaning, since your son is 17 he wouldn't get his own invite but would be invited through yours. If they have consulted similar sources, that may be what they're going by.

You know the details of your relationship with your brother, but I wouldn't see anything wrong with clarifying so as "not to throw off the numbers". My guess is he is invited, and they went by the 18 rule (Which my fiance and I have used once or twice as well).

Hope this helps....

[stefania4]

Originally posted by helios7
Several of the books we've found/read/consulted say that 18 is the cutoff for an child living at home to receive their own invite. Meaning, since your son is 17 he wouldn't get his own invite but would be invited through yours. If they have consulted similar sources, that may be what they're going by. Actually, the 18 rule means that - if invited - he should be listed on the parents' invitation. No one, regardless of age, is assumed to be invited - they must be listed on the envelope. If over 18 and still living with Mom & Dad, he would then get his own invitation.

[helios7]

THanks for the clarification! I stand corrected.... :)

[Robyn1007]

Interesting quandry. I have recently had a situation (actually the reception is tomorrow, I have travelled from Virginia to Colorado to attend) that is similar.

My male cousin got married in Vegas last weekend and is having a reception this weekend here in Denver. I was told long ago that I was invited to both or either. I chose to come to Denver so that I could see more family. My mother received her invitation in Houston and I waited to see if I received mine with in the next week or so. Never did so I asked my aunt about it. She asked her son (my cousin) and he said they sent one (he had asked for my address) and would send another. Still never received one. Of course, they have been told that I am attending but I am actually kind of upset that I never received an actual invitation.

I am not asking anything, just pointing out that all sorts of things happen during wedding invitation time. I would definitely recommend that you call your brother and just ask, that way there aren't issues on the day of the wedding.

Robyn

[BeachBum]

I think you have no choice but to call, if you want (or your son wants) to attend. I would just keep the tone very light, and tell the truth--you're unclear on if DS3 is invited or not. Even if you are not close, doensn't have to be a huge deal. If you could email him, I would say that would be an easier way to handle it.

As for the rules of etiquette, if his name isn't on the invite, he isn't invited. But so many people don't follow "the rules" I think it can't hurt to check.

[Beth Y]

I agree call, if your other sons are invited. It would make sense that they would not leave out only one son, unless they are doing some age thing. I recall that a chunk of our wedding invites, some to family, were lost. Some people, much to our chagrin, did not call (how would they know too?) but the family ones did and we were able to tell them that of course they had been sent an invite. Of course, make sure your tone in asking reflects that you are just calling to clarify and there are no "expectations" either way (kinda hard, I know. In our family, the cousins got their Mom (DH's aunt) to call, made it easier.

[sneezles]

We've just decided not to go, it's not worth offending anyone and since it is the same day as DS#3's birthday (he being the one not invited) it just makes more sense to stay home.