Off-topic again....question for all you SAHMs!

[56grapeape]

hi!
Im a sahm to a 3 1/2 yr old dd, and just 1 1/2 yrs ago, i went back to work PT.
I wanted to still be home with her, so I found an evening job, and Id go to work after dh got home at 5pm. That way he's home w/her too!

I think we have a momsclub here, but it was real lame so me and a friend didnt join. (run by 1 grl who had a newborn, and it was only her and her friend)

I visit lots of mommy groups online too.


rachelle

[sneezles]

I am a SAHM now for over 20 years and have no desire to go back to work! I did work part-time at the school for about 5 years. I prefer to do volunteer work. I guess I'm pretty selfish in that I have never liked routine! I never wanted to tell my boys that I couldn't do domething because of my job. Of course, they have been told no for many other reasons. My DH is about to "retire" after selling his business so I want to be able to spend the time with him.

[karen w]

Hi Lindrusso,

I too am a SAHM of 3 children-4, 3, and 18 months(2 boys and "the princess"!). Prior to my first son I worked full time. I am a physician-specifically an anesthesiologist. After my second son I went back to work part time. Fortunately for me anesthesiology is one of the few specialties in medicine where it is easy to work part time. However since my daughter was born I have not returned to work, and I don't know when/or if I will again. I breast fed her for 15 months. Now that she is completely weaned, I could go back, but I guess I am a very traditional Mom in some ways. I like being there for my kids when they come home from school. Someone once told me that even if your child does not ask anything of you after school, sometimes it's just your physical presence when he/she gets home that's reassuring(and much needed even if it's not verbalized.) Right now I also have to drive my boys back and forth to school since they are both still in preschool(one in the morning and one in the afternoon), and I don't anticipate the shuttle bus service will change for awhile since just as my youngest son will finish preschool, my daughter will start!

The other dilemma I face at this time with going back to work was with my partners. They have expressed a great desire for me to return. However, they can only take me back if I hire nanny. When I was working and my boys went to daycare, I had to call off if they developed fevers. Granted that was not often, but with the short staffing problems they have had, they need to be able to count on everyone. And I guess I'm just not interested in hiring a nanny. Maybe that will change down the road. But for now I enjoy staying home.(Yes, there are those days I want to throw them out with the trash too!! But Honestly, I do love what I'm doing, and I hope it will be of benefit(emotionally) to my children).

I too worry about the future when they are in school full time-will I go back to work, do the volunteer bit, get into more hobbies etc...I guess for now I'm just going to take it one day at a time!!!

Karen

[MrsReber]

Okay, okay, I'm not a mom yet and I am planning on returning to work after the birth of my child. I just wanted to share what some other women I know have done. My sister returned to work after each child and both her kids were in daycare. Last year, she couldn't take the guilt anymore and really wanted to be home with them, yet she still needed to work. She appealed to her boss and they worked out a 32 hour a week schedule. So now she leaves work at 2:30 each day and meets her daughter at the bus (she's in kindergarten) and can pick up her son from daycare. Not that he minds daycare much. The other day when my sister dropped him off, she stayed a few minutes to talk to his teacher . He said to her "okay mommmy, you can go now" and opened the door for her
to leave!

I have a co-worker who also works a 32 hour week so she can be at home in the afternoons. It's not impossible anymore, depending on the company. The larger companies are becoming very family friendly these days. My SIL had a job doing desktop publishing for a while and she told them up front that she had to be home to meet her daughter's bus. They were fine with it. She did quit (she hated the guy she worked for) and is back to staying at home.

[lindrusso]

I think I could find a job pretty easily that would accomodate being home in the afternoons, it's all the vacations and all summer that worry me! Who's going to let me off for 2 months a year????

Part of my problem is that I never found a career that I was passionate about. The only thing I've been passionate about is my kids - it's the only thing I've known without a doubt that I wanted in my life (besides my husband - lest anyone think that he was just a means to an end http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif ).

I've been reading the Personal Chef threads with great interest. Sounds like it would be VERY flexible, but again, the summers would be a problem.

Well, I have a few more years to think about it. I just keep thinking that now is the time to start taking classes (I've also been looking into what it would take to become a dietician - lots of schooling that I'm not sure I'm willing to face) or developing my skills so that I'm ready.

I love being an SAHM, but I also look forward to having some adult time - something just for me. I also worry about what would happen if, God forbid, something would happen to my husband. That's just about the only thing I envy in my working friends - they have more independence in the area of finances.

Speaking of which, does it ever annoy you other SAHMs that when you buy a gift for your husband, he's sort of buying his own gift? http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif My husband never treats the money like it's HIS and he never feels that way, but I feel like it would be more special or romantic if it was actually my own money! This isn't a big issue for me, it just feels weird sometimes.

[clairea]

I am a stay-at-home mom of 2 (ages 31/2 and 11 months), but until about 2 months ago worked part-time. I am a lawyer and practiced in the field of mergers and acquisitions (which is still very male-dominated) and so many people thought a part-time arrangement would not work, but I was surprised by how much support I got from colleagues and clients. I'm not suggesting you go to law school (unless you really want to http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/eek.gif ), but my point is that flexibility can be found in many fields where you might not expect it, so if there is something you want to do it certainly doesn't hurt to try. I definitely think there are a lot of jobs where you could leave in time to be home with your kids after school. I used to leave at 3:00 every day to pick my kids up from daycare, and then would just check voice mail and email a few times in the evening and respond if necessary (not always easy with 2 little ones, but doable). I also took Fridays off. I think the summers would be a little more difficult, but maybe you could work out some sort of reduced or compressed schedule during that time and work only, say, 3 days a week?

On a related note, I saw on another thread your comment about babysitters and daycare taking up a lot of your salary. I'm sure you have already thought of this, but don't forget to also factor in the extra taxes you will pay and other extra costs associated with working (commuting, more convenience items, etc.) when figuring out whether it makes sense for you to work. Also, you can take a tax credit or set aside pre-tax dollars to pay for childcare while you are working, so that helps.

I am really interested to see what people have to say on this thread, because I am already thinking about whether I will go back to work when my kids are both in school and, as much as I loved my job, I don't think I will go back to law firm practice. However, I never imagined that I would be a SAHM (but I do love it now) and so think I will probably want to go back to work at some point.

[Cindy Rafferty]

This is an interesting post! I've experienced all three options: Working full-time when I had one child, and part-time (3 full days) when my second was born 6 1/2 years later. A year ago, my husband, who was previously self-employed, accepted a new job and we relocated. At that time, we decided that I would stay at home, and we based our finances, including a new home purchase, based on this goal, even though we were moving to a higher cost of housing area.

Daycare/afterschool care is even more expensive in the state that we moved to. Also, as kids advance in grades (I have a 4th grader) and have before/after school activities and long school days, it is nice for them to be able to come home after school rather then have to face 2-3 hours more in an after school program. I never really understood the importance of this until I became a SAHM.

I have my 3-year old enrolled in a regular preschool, something that I was never able to do with my first son. I don't miss the constant pressure that I used to face with time, or putting in a load of laundry as soon as I got home, then having to rush to get dinner. For the first time, I have time to volunteer for church, scouts, town, and preschool activities. Also, to learn alot more about cooking (thanks CL and readers!)

When I do go back to work, I'm going to look for something that gives me better control over my time so that I can be home for my kids afterschool. After all, it's not what you make, but what you get to keep, after all of the expenses of earning that 2nd income have been added up!

[mightyh]

I am a stay at home mom to an 11 month old, but also work via telecommute part-time. I'd just like to echo the thoughts of those who said work arrangements are extremely flexible these days...

I worked full time as a health policy analyst for an association in DC since I graduated college 5 years ago. Last year when I got pregnant, I knew I would be leaving the area soon after my son was born, as my husband is a military physician and we were due for a transfer. So I kind of figured--oh, well, my job is probably a loss now and I'll be a stay at home mom (which I was happy to do).

When I told my boss I was pregnant, she immediately encouraged me to think about what I wanted to do work-wise after I had the baby and after we moved. She was totally flexible and open to the suggestions I thought of to be able to be a stay at home mom and keep my foot in the door of my health policy career...

Now I live in St Louis and work via telecommute for whatever amount of hours I want. I bill my company for the work I do--it's usually only 10 hours a week (during the baby's naps), but if I want to do more, they would pay me for more. I am not required to work, for example, 9 to 11 each morning, but rather work when the mood hits me. Sometimes after the baby goes to bed if my husband is on call, I can get a bunch done.

The flexibility is something I just cannot stress enough and I am so thankful that my employer allows this, as it's generally not a forward-thinking company in terms of benefits... I totally feel it's the best of both worlds for me cause there are really no strings attached. I have certain projects each month that need to be done and I just need to keep up with them on my own time, as it suits my schedule.

I am currently "on vacation" at my parents' house in Ohio and still am able to log hours (if I want), as all I need is an internet connection so I can check my emails, track relevant legislation, and analyze forthcoming policy.

I don't know how this relates to your educational background, but I'd guess if you look hard enough there is something like my opportunity in every field with some employer.

I've enjoyed reading this thread and hearing other perspectives on this issue.

[KimKelly]

I too am a SAHM. I personally have no intention of going back to work, although I at times do wonder what I will do with my time when they are both in school full time. Lucky for me, my husband has a job that allows him to be home much more than being gone. He is literally home for weeks on end. So, my plan now is to head to the local surf shop and get myself a board and learn to catch a wave or two.

On the subject of working though, I have thought of many of the same thing that you have; summer sitters, taxes, etc. My neighbor just lost her full time job and is in the process of setting up her own business as an independent contractor. This allows her to virtually set her own hours, and work with whomever she chooses (only if they hire her of course!), and she can decide not to work for certain periods of time if she desires. Of course this requires a skill that is in demand. She is pleased with the lifestyle and it is working for her. If cooking is a big interest (and that is why we are here!) I think the Personal Chef would be a neat option, very similar to my girlfriends. I also have a friend who is really big into the Creative Memories and does a fairly decent job at that. She is able to do it nights and weekends when her husband can care for the kids. It took her a while to get started, but now she is doing fairly well and again, she sets up her own times.

How about something in the education industry that has you working the same hours and days as your kids? You mentioned dieticion, maybe you could work that into the cafeteria area of the kids school?? Just an idea.... Or teachers aid or substitute teacher, etc.

Sure hope you can find what you are looking for too!

Hang 10!

Kim

[This message has been edited by KimKelly (edited 02-09-2001).]

[Kristilyn1]

Not that I am a SAMH but I am in the boat of hoping to work part time when my son starts school. As I am a recruiter for a freelance agency--I suggest temping. You decide when you want to work.

Kristi

[Leanne]

There are 3 things I can come up with - b/c I have 3 friends who do these things. I am not yet a mom - hope to be in about 1-2 years though!

I have a friend who is a freelance graphic designer/artist. She just takes jobs when she wants to.

I have another one who is a part time writer for a magazine - she works from home & then pretty much just on the assignments she wants to.

Now - I realize that both of those take some sort of talent.

So the last one is a real estate agent. My mom was one too. Sell when you want to - don't when you don't want to. Or partner with another agent - that seems to be the way to go for part time work. My friends also take their babaies with them when they need to. I remember going with my mom a couple of times.

I guess it's all a matter of essentially working for yourself & if if a regular salary isn't an issue - I bet you could find alot of things.

The personal chef sounds good too. Substitute teaching would work.

I know it's hard to come up with something - but I bet once you do - it'll make you think about all sorts of ideas.

[Leslie w]

I really enjoy reading these threads, I admire any woman who stays at home. It's a tough job. I was a full time nurse manager making good money but working long hours and under a lot of stress. I couldn't wait to quit my job and raise a family. Thought it would be a cake walk. Boy was I wrong! I'm busier w/ two active toddlers than I've ever been in my life. I'm constantly on the run. Even though I've had to curtail my exercise program for a couple of years I'm thinner now than I was before kids. It's definitely a full time job! What I find interesting is how many professional women esp. doctors and lawyers, have chosen to stay at home for an indefinite amount of time to be w/ their kids. I think more and more people are starting to realize the importance of this. Material goods are no substiute for parental love and guidance. When my kids start school I'm going to go back part time, not by choice, but I do have to start saving for college.

[Tiger]

I think being a SAHM is the most important job I'll ever do!
But I must say I feel very lucky to have the best of both worlds. I basically consider myself a SAHM but I do work PRN. I'm lucky to be in the medical field where there is a great demand for the job I do. PRN means "as needed" They tell me when they need me and I tell them when I can work. I make my own schedule and hours. I usually work about one time a week. It's p
perfect and I can't imagine doing anything else!
Alot of my friends say working part-time is perfect. When you work full-time there just isn't enough time to get everything done and when you don't work at all you miss the benefits of working. So this really works for me.
I think this is such a sensitive subject among women. Women are their own worst enemies. We need to stop judging each other and feeling we have to defend ourselves for the decisions we make. Everyone does what's best for them! Sorry for going on about this!!

[GayeC]

This is really a great thread! I am so encouraged by it an hope others are too.

I have only worked full time for one year in the 12 years since I first had children. That year was not fun for any of us. Since then I have stayed home and done freelance work (writing and research) or worked part-time. My children are both in school now (12 and 7), but even so I have no desire to work full time. I work three days a week until 3 or 3:30, so I can pick them up after school. The other two days I do freelance writing or volunteer at their school or clean the house. This is an ideal arrangement for use, except that we never have enough money.

It is true that summers can be complicated. My children's school has a summer program that they attend on the three days that I work.

I would encourage all women who want to spend more time with their children to look for freelance and part-time opportunities.

[kwormann]

Well, I hesitate to venture, DH hasnt wanted kids, but I am becomming more and more intersted all of the time (and I spend all day with 6 year olds). In trying to talk to him about he options, I have said I definately want to take one year off school. I would like to take five (until kinder), but DH's insurance SUCKS! and mine is so good! How do others of you handle this? (Im trying to build arguements)

Kim

[Alky]

Just thought I'd pass on this saying we have proudly posted on our wall:

PRIORITIES

"A hundred years from now it will not matter what our bank account was, the sort of house we lived in or the kind of car we drove...but the world may be different because we were important in the lives of our children!"

[jandy2]

Kim,
I taught school when I had my first child. I really wanted to stay home, but my husband was in seminary and we just couldn't afford it--insurance was a big part of it. I worked out an arrangement with the school teaching a half a day. I received half the pay, but full benefits! I did this for one semester until my husband got a better PT job and I could quit. My principal was all for it. His son had a pair of teachers one year where one taught in the morning and one in the afternoon. He thought it was great because it was like getting a fresh teacher in the afternoon!! Just an idea for you.

[lindrusso]

Hi there. I was just reading the "Do you like your job?" post and was pleased to see so many other SAHMs responding!

I'm a SAHM to two boys 6 and 3. As the boys get older, I am starting to wonder what I will do when they are in school full time. Now, I have enough hobbies to keep me busy - I love to cook, garden, etc., but I also think that I might want to work again outside the home.

However, I want to be with the boys after school as well as during vacations and over the summer. Unless I worked for the school system, it's QUITE unlikely that I'd find a job with THAT much flexibility.

So, my question is this. Have any of you returned to work part time and still managed to be with your children after school and during the summers? If so, how did you do it?

I also think that perhaps pursuing my hobbies and maybe doing volunteer work would be fulfilling. I always tease all my working friends that I'm just too busy to go back to work!

Oh, and a little FYI for you SAHMs of young children. I belong to MOMS Club - a club with over 1000 chapters just for SAHMs where you can do everything with your kids! Check out www.momsclub.org (http://www.momsclub.org) if you are interested in finding one in your area or if you'd like to start your own!

[kwormann]

That is something to look into, if and when the time might come.

Oh, and for those thinking of subbing, just know it is a HARD job! Granted, no lesson planning, no grading, but you dont have the control over the kids the teacher does (not that its all that much any more!)

Not trying to scare anyone, just "food" for thought!

Kim

[lindrusso]

Originally posted by Alky:
PRIORITIES
"A hundred years from now it will not matter what our bank account was, the sort of house we lived in or the kind of car we drove...but the world may be different because we were important in the lives of our children!"

I couldn't agree more. I know a family that has nice cars, a large, beautiful home, etc., etc. I wouldn't change places with them for anything because of the sacrifices they make both working full time. I'd rather be with my kids and have my husband home with me each evening than have all those material possessions. That's not to say that I wouldn't mind having BOTH the money AND the quality family time http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif, but if I can only have one, I choose my family.

For those reasons I only plan to work again if it's something I truly enjoy and only if it allows me the time with my kids that I feel is so important.

[Kristilyn1]

Funny the freelance graphic design and writing comes up. Those are the jobs I recruit for. Basically if you are interested in it, take a class or two at a local college and then try to do as much free work as you can for friends, to build up your portfolio. People don't need to know that the work was for free as long as it is good!

On the subject of not working or working. It seems that the thing that always comes up is the "working" moms say things that offend the "stay home" moms by implying it isn't work, and then the "stay home" moms say something about how the working moms work to have nice things. I have to say,I certainly don't think that staying home isn't work--but I think that stay home moms have a BIG misconception about working moms too! I don't know ONE single family where both parents work so they can have nice things. I think the parenting decisions we make have an awful lot to do with our own upbringing. My mom was a stay home mom and we were miserable--my parents fought about money all the time, by the time they divorced when I was ten, I can't remember any conversation they ever had that was civil. My mom then had a very hard time getting a job to support us all (3 kids and no support). I don't tell this story as neccesarily a story about me, but that everyone has a story behind their parenting decisions. We have a nice house, we even drive two fairly new cars--but I work to save for college, my retirement and so I don't always have to say no to the extracurricular activities that we couldn't afford as kids. I worrry about my retirement, the last thing I want is to become a financial burden on my children. So I guess what I am saying is don't assume that your neighbors who are driving two brand new cars and the fancy vacations are working for those things--it seems to me that if your combined income is low-no one questions it, but if you are two highly compensated individuals you are labeled as materialistic. Just like there is the selfish couple out there working to sustain an image--I am willing to bet it is about as likely as the stay home mom sitting around eating bon bons.

[lindrusso]

Kristilyn1 -

You make a good point. I didn't mean to make it seem that I felt working parents are materialistic. However, in the family I was referring to the husband works until late at night and isn't around to support his family much of the time (at least not not in my eyes). The mom never seems to have enough time to do chores, much less ANYTHING that she enjoys. To me, this just isn't worth it!!!

So I guess what I'm saying is that though this family has many nice things (whether that is why they work or not) and some people may view them as lucky and successful for having these nice things, I consider myself MORE lucky to have my family around me and time to enjoy them. Does that make sense?

I do have to say, though, that I know many people who do place material things as a priority. But they are outnumbered by the people I know who don't work just to have stuff.

I think I'm confusing myself, so I'm sure this is all clear as mud http://www.cookinglight.com/bbs/smile.gif .

[patrice]

I stayed at home for ten years until my youngest was three. I went to work part-time as a graduate assistant for two years and then started teaching full-time when my son entered kindergarten. I loved being a SAHM but wondered where the money was going to come from for college and I did feel a need for a career just a little bit. Well, the income boost was nice but as soon as your income increases so does your lifestyle. NOw I needed better clothes, we ate more carryout, and we needed better cars. I don't know exactly how much of my income was cancelled out by these changes in our lifestyle. I do think my youngest paid the greatest price for my re-entry into the work world. I didn't realize it at the time but being a SAHM was the best time in my life. Ironically, I love my teaching job and am glad I have this to look forward to everyday. My son had turned out alright too. We all can survive and flourish no matter what our choices.

[matt]

As a by product of a single mother, i applude each one of you. I don't know if you know but I will speak on behalf of your children "Thank You" It sounds corny to some ,however, your child will appreciate as they get older. I don't think they will mind me giving them a voice. Matt

[ewatkins]

Just a thought on the PT work thing. I am a "retired" lawyer who has been at home for 10 years--never thought it would be that long!! A couple of my friends have tried working while the kids are in school. It is exhausting as you never have a minute to yourself--no time to chat with co-workers or do errands at lunch --have to keep an eye on the clock and get the work done by 2:30 or whatever. Many of my friends felt they were not being a good worker and also not being a good mom. You really need to find a job you can leave behind-- not coming home to check email while pretending to listen to your kid's spelling words, etc.
At my house (kids are 8 and 11) it is incredibly stressful for me between 3 and 9 pm. I use the morning hours to get the errands done so I can focus on the kids when they get home and really be there for them--not wiped out. Anyway, I know it's a hard decsion. I subscribe to the journal put out by "Mothers at Home". It's a wondeful support group for MAH and their web site has a lot of back articles on things like working from home and PT.

[HARRYET]

i also am a SAHM for the past 13yrs. there was a point in time when i worked PT (for my DH as we have our own business)but i only worked from 10:00 to 3:00. i found during this time i had no time for me, and the house was never picked up. the kids would get off the bus (or i'd pick them up at school) and we would drop and run, soccer, baseball, dance, church, there was always something. my DH works 12-14 hour days, so the dinners, baths, homework and activities always fell solely on me, (now i'm not complaining, it's what i live for at this stage of my life).

i have no desire to go back to work PT or FT (for a company) now or ever, i don't think i could ever go back to accounting to someone again. i prefer being self-employed. presently i am faux painting with a friend, we start after the kids get on the bus, and return before they get home, if i have an appointment or just don't feel like working i pencil myself off for the day. we never work holidays, or school breaks. so i get the best of both worlds, a little extra money, i'm learning about faux painting so i can paint my own house (and not have to pay someone else to do it for me) and i get out around other adults for the adult conversation we all need.

i also love to be able to volunteer at my kids schools and go on field trips when ever they ask me too. i have also been PTO president for my daughters school for the last 2 years which has been truely challenging for me and forfills that need for interacting on an administrative level.

just my opinion, sorry for rambling, and also i agree whole heartedly with what Alky posted re: "priorities"

Ann

[This message has been edited by HARRYET (edited 02-11-2001).]

[Mousie29]

Lindrusso:
To answer your question in the general before I tell you my specific special timing job, you can start thinking of jobs that are heavily concentrated in one time of the year.

This certainly may not float your boat or fit your skills, but, for instance, I am a tax CPA (just married and want to be a SAHM soon). From Dec.-April there's a great need for people in this field and also around other deadlines, but, for instance, NOT SUMMERTIME.

Now, like I said, this may not fit you, but, my point is that there must be other places that need people at certain times of the year, like retail!

[njwgood]

I was a sahm and went to work part time for a realtor when my youngest was in middle school. I had an agreement with my employer that family comes first, I want to be home by 3pm, I will go to certain school meetings or functions, etc. It worked out fine. I was always there for my girls. No one felt left out. I did have a very understandable employer. Now, my oldest has graduated from college and is married, and my youngest will graduate from Texas A&M in August. Just lucky to find such a job. I am still at it, but more full time. I love the challenge and being with other adults. But I am gratful that I could stay at home with the girls and I did not have to work earlier.

[MrsReber]

I consider SAHM's to be very lucky. I just know that no way, no how could we afford it. My husband's salary would cover the mortgage and most of the bills. We'd never be able to save for retirement or for college for our children. He also has to chip in with his other siblings and help pay his mother's rent on her apartment (or she'd move in with one of us-Yikes!). Maybe we could cut back on spending here and there, but we are far from extravagant and we don't have that many bills- just the standard electric, oil, car insurance (we do live in NJ so it can be expensive), food, gas, and one car loan.

I agree with Kristilyn's post. My mom's story is very similar to Kristi's- my parent divorced when I was 5, my sister was 8 and my brother was 9. My father gave very little child support and then stopped paying at all. This was 1975 so there were not a whole lot of high paying jobs for women around. I saw what she went through and I promised myself it wouldn't happen to me. I have no plans to ever get divorced, but you never know what can happen. I don't want "things" I want security for myself and my family.

I am jealous of the SAHMs, believe me. It just isn't practical for every situation. I am going to try to work out a schedule with my boss for when my baby is born. It's a difficult decision whether you choose to continue to work or whether you stay at home. Seems women get the guilt trip for everything!

[Lauren]

I've been on both sides. I was a SAHM for almost nine years. I went back to work when my youngest was in kindergarten. Although I was glad to get back into the workforce, I should have waited one more year. Our town has a half day kindergarten program and mid year it switches. However, I found the kids to be so adaptable. In November I was laid off and was home until I started a new job last week. Both sides have their benefits. Fortunately, I think more and more towns are offering after school programs for working families. We made it on one income for a lot of years, but the second salary will enable us to save for college and retirement, both necessary things. I too am involved with the school, having headed up fundraisaing for three years. Sure, I can't do library or computer duty, but there are always things that can be done in the evenings if it's important to you. Why is there always such animosity between working and stay-at-home Moms? We should support each other. Parenting is hard no matter what side you're on. Just my two cents!