Escher started it!

[tamawrite]

Q. How do you make a dog sound just like a cat?

A. Stick him in the freezer for a couple of weeks, take him out & run him through a band saw, and he goes "meeeeerrrroooowww."



It's just as easy to make a cat sound just like a dog. Soak him in gasoline, throw on a match, and he goes "WOOF!"


Oh, there's more where these came from...

[Escher]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. Which is why some called him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[feistyDeeDee]

lmaoo you guys are cracking me up...(dont know if that is good or bad)...:p

[tamawrite]

Q. How do you make a dead puppy float?



A. ...glass of root beer, two scoops of dead puppy...

[Escher]

A graduate from Michigan, a graduate from Ohio State, and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his first child.

Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly
thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.

"I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced.

"Despite the electrical outage, two healthy boys and one healthy
piglethave been delivered.

However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we
aren't sure which first-born belongs to whom.

The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have
the winner choose first."

The three proud papas agreed and the Michigan grad won the drawing.

He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three
newbornsfor a painstakingly long time.

Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the
door.

"Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice," the
nurse asked.

"No, I'm not," replied the Wolverine. "But I just couldn't run
the risk of ending up with the Buckeye kid."

[Escher]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?

"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb ***. Someone has stolen our tent."

[beckms]

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.



Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


A: Because he was dead.

[beckms]

Q: What's black and white and red and can't go through revolving doors?





A: A nun with a spear through her head.


:o

[aggie94]

Three male dogs encounter a beautiful female poodle and immediately fall in love. Well aware of her own charms and her effect on males, she announces, "I want a mate with brains, therefore I will only date the dog who creates an imaginative, intelligent sentence using the words, 'cheese' and 'liver.'"

The black Labrador retriever quickly responds, "I love cheese and liver."

"How childish," huffs the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the cocker spaniel who responds tentatively, "Uh, I hate cheese and liver?"

The poodle shows her disgust. "That's no better than the other sentence! What about you, Mr. Chihuahua?"

The tiny dog grins, turns to the other two males and says, "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"

[Escher]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[MKSquared]

What do you call a man wearing two left sandals?




Flip flip.

[MKSquared]

What did the firefighter from Mexico name his twin sons?




Hose-A and Hose-B.

[Kayaksoup]

Q.How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A.Two (I don't know how they got in there..)

[Cookin4Love]

Originally posted by beckms

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


A: Because he was dead.

Q: Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Peer pressure.

[elnant]

Originally posted by beckms
Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.



This one cracks me up every time!!!!!!!!

[Sarah428]

This one cracks me up every time!!!!!!!!
Me Too:D !

[colleency]

What's brown and sounds like a bell?







dung!

[tamawrite]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?

Bob.



What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch?

Matt.


I'll refrain from going on.

[AdGirl]

What do you call a woman with no arms and one leg?

Eileen.

[Escher]

An armless, legless man leaning against the wall?

Art.

[lisas3575]

What do you call an Asian woman with one arm and one leg?

Irene.


:rolleyes:

[Arete]

Also about the armless, legless man:

And when he's in the pool?
Bob

When he's in the hot tub?
Stew

When he's on your front door step?
Mat


When he goes waterskiing?
Skip

[Arete]

What do you call an armless, legless man at the bottom of a ditch?
Phil

What do you call and legless dog?
You don't call it anything, it wouldn't come anyway.

What do you do with a legless dog?
You take it for a drag.

[MKSquared]

How about a COW with no legs?





Ground Beef.

:D

[colleency]

What do you call a cow with two legs?










Lean beef.
:D :D

[tbb113]

these come via my 12 year old son....

What do you call a deer with no eyes?






no eye deer (say it out loud)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?







Still no eye deer