Does DH have an alcohol problem??

[worried]

I am a frequent poster, but wish to remain anonymous (for obvious reasons!)...

I am unsure what to think or do. My DH spent last night at a friend's house b/c he was too drunk to drive home. This isn't the first time - it happens at least a few times a year (5-6, or more). Sometimes he does drive home, which scares the piss out of me. I'm absolutely petrified that he's going to have a wreck and kill someone, or himself. We have been in several fights about this, and he thinks I'm crazy for bringing it up. Part of the problem is that all of his friends (most of whom he went to college with) do the exact same thing! 2 have DWIs, and yet they still continue to drink too much. Fortunately, there have been no accidents - yet. But when I bring up the issue (which is maybe once a year), DH gets very beligerent, and can't believe that I'm questioning his drinking. He doesn't get drunk every night, although he does have beer or wine with dinner most nights (maybe 3 drinks on those nights). He drinks too much about once a week. By too much - I don't mean merely tipsy. I mean flat out drunk as a skunk. Slurring words, passing out, etc. He is not mean, but he can be embarassing. We've been out to nice restaurants where he's had too much to drink and has nearly passed out at the table, or thrown up in the men's room. This may be acceptable (or at least more common) for a college kid, but not more than 10 years later! Granted, the restaurant incidents are few and far between, but still...

I don't know what to do. We have 2 kids at home, and I have tried everything. Right after we got married, after one of the "restaurant incidents", I threatened divorce. I obviously didn't follow through, nor do I really want to. He is a wonderful husband and father, but I don't think I can live with the stress of him being drunk and driving. I would be absolutely devestated if he were to get in a wreck and hurt someone. I don't think he understands that he is capable of ruining many, many people's lives with this behavior. I used to be able to go pick him up when he was too drunk to drive home, but with kids at home, I can't exactly wake them up at midnight to go pick up their drunk dad. If he calls me, I tell him to stay put. But sometimes he doesn't call first, and shows up drunk. He thinks he is perfectly capable of driving (after all, aren't all drunks excellent drivers??!? :rolleyes: ).

What should I say? I've tried bringing up counseling, many times, but he won't accept that he has a problem at all. Help please.

[muriel3002]

You might try attending al-anon meetings, if they have any in your area. These are meant as a support for those living with alcoholics. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying your DH is an alcoholic, although he could well be. But you need to get support and help and understanding for yourself so you can cope with this and make informed decisions. If you can't find al-anon, any AA meeting person can tell you where the nearest meeting is.

(((worried)))

I am the daughter of alcoholic parents. My mother now runs AA meetings in her town and my father is recovered (they are divorced) as well.

[TLee4]

Worried,
I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I am an addictions counselor and your experience sounds very familiar. Here is a link to a commonly used screening tool to evaluate problems with alcohol:
http://www.humanlinks.com/personal/mast.htm
Of course your husband may not be willing to take it, but it may be useful information for you. Another "diagnostic" tool we use is this one: "what causes problems IS a problem". Clearly your husband's alcohol use is causing problems.

The Al-Anon suggestion is a good one. People there aren't going to tell you that you have to leave your husband, or that he is a bad person, etc. It is a good place for you to get support and to help you figure out what limits you need to set for your own safety, sanity, etc.

Terri

[donleyk]

(((worried)))

[lisas3575]

I third the suggestion for Al-Anon. (http://www.al-anon.org) Call the 800 number and they can direct you to the nearest meeting. It will help you figure things out and give you hope-- regardless of if he's an "alcoholic" or not, his drinking is bothering you and you need help.

(((((((Worried))))))

[worried]

Thank you Terri - I took the test as I thought DH would answer (not how I would answer) and "scored" a 7 out of 25.

I think part of the problem is that I had an extended family member who was an alcholic, and was just barely functioning before AA. DH is not like that, but I don't think this is normal behavior either. He, on the other hand, does. His friends are all the same way. I'm sure he can't even fathom going out with them without drinking, and drinking too much. I talked with DH's sister today, and I have the full support of his family, who also thinks he drinks too much. I don't think they even know the half of it.

I've been to AA meetings (with my family member - just a couple), and quite honestly I'm almost embarassed to go to Al-Anon b/c my problems seem so trivial compared to others'. I realize that the people at Al-anon probably won't feel that way - I'm just uncomfortable with the thought. Is there some "step" between being an alcholic, and drinking normally?? Is there hope for someone like DH to EVER drink normally, or am I kidding myself? Drinking is definitely a part of our lives - we greatly enjoy wine with dinner, beer with friends, etc. But I can't put up with him getting wasted a few times a month, and acting so irresponsibly either. :(

Thank you for the hugs Lisa, Donleyk and Muriel - I need them right now.

[SandyM]

I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. I wish you all the strength you need to get through the times to come. Take care, and best of luck.

[Wendy w]

((((((((worried)))))) Hang in there, I am very sorry that you are going through this. :(

[Jessica]

Just wanted to add my support. ((((worried))))

[Natasha]

Worried,

Best wishes and hang in there. I'm sorry that you're going through this. :( You will be in my thoughts.

Natasha

[Beth H]

DH is not like that, but I don't think this is normal behavior either

I think that if a family member's drinking is impacting those around him on a regular basis (not just the rare having-too-much to drink at a wedding or party), it indicates a problem. A lot of us hear the word "alcoholic" and picture someone drinking out of a paper bag; someone falling-down drunk; or someone who is unable to function in society. But there also are many "functional" alcolohics out there too.

I don't know what advice to give you other than I, too, would suggest that you attend an Al-Anon meeting or speak with a therapist. I truly hope that you can work things out with your DH. I also hope that he realizes how *stupid* it is to drink and drive.

[mlr73]

worried -

I know this is easier said than done, but please don't feel embarassed about going to an Al-Anon meeting. The people at Al-Anon are there to help, no matter how slight or severe you think your DH's problem is.

You said that his family thinks he drinks too much, too. Could you get them together and sit him down to discuss it? An intervention, if you will? Maybe you could call Al-Anon or AA or a nearby hospital that deals with addiction problems and ask them for any ideas and tips on how to go about doing an intervention so that he doesn't feel like everyone is ganging up on him.

Hang in there.

[wallycat]

I dated a man for 5 years who had a drinking problem. I was young (21) and kept telling myself that it just seemed he drank too much because no one in my family drank and I wasn't accustomed to it.

If it is impacting your family then it is a problem, even if the actual definition is not "alcoholic."
Part of the problem may be that the guys he hangs out with drink too much, and he sees this as acceptable behavior.

I'm not sure I have any suggestions but I feel your pain.
Maybe if he got scared that he could die from this (liver disease, brain wasting, etc.) he would view it in a different light....
maybe he is afraid to try to cut back because if he can't, then he'd have to admit he has a problem...and letting him know you'd support him through it..??
I'm no shrink but just thinking back to all the conversations my ex boyfriend and I had.

((((((((((worried & DH))))))))))))))))

[aggie94]

Originally posted by worried
He is a wonderful husband and father

Really? He gets belligerent and fights with you when you try to bring it up, he refuses to go to counseling or admit he has a problem, and he gets stinking drunk once a week and either passes out somewhere or drives home. Oh, and he embarrasses the crap out of you in public places. And your children see this on a regular basis? What happens when you go out of town for the weekend and leave him with the kids and he gets passing-out drunk? Will you still be calling him a good father and husband when he's in prison for killing someone when he tried to drive home drunk?

Sorry, I know this sounds harsh, but clearly he has a serious problem and your problem is that you've put up with this as long as you have. Take the kids and move out. Tell him you'll discuss reconciliation when he starts going to counseling and AA. And start going to Al-Anon yourself. Otherwise, you're just enabling him.

[mbrogier]

I have a brother that has this problem. He has a little 3 year old girl that I love to death. He's not coming home at night because he'd rather be out partying. His wife and child are moving out because of his behavior. I'm hoping he'll wise up now. I hate that my little niece has to be without a father all the time because he doesn't have his priorities straight. I also am afraid of my brother driving drunk and killing someone and spending his life in jail. That innocent person definitely wouldn't deserve that. My niece wouldn't deserve that either.

This isn't a victimless problem. Your children deserve a stable home. Your husband obviously doesn't see the gravity of his actions or the consequences that they can bring. Its up to you to be the adult and make the decisions.

And yes, if he calls in the middle of the night and needs a ride, you get the kids up and go. Its not worth him driving and killing an innocent person just so you don't wake your children. The next morning, you pack and leave.

[TLee4]

Worried,
There are actually a couple of categories that a problem drinker can fall into. One is Alcohol Abuse, and another is Alcohol Dependence (what we think of as alcoholism). One of the ways we tell the difference is when someone is trying to stop. If they are able to just quit on their own, or cut down into reasonable use that does not cause negative consequences, it is most likely abuse. If they are not able to stop/control, it is likely dependence.

In either case, Al-Anon would still be a good resource for you. Feel free to ask more questions.

Terri

[RebeccaT]

(((((worried)))))

I can't imagine what you are dealing with here. My grandfather was an alcoholic, totally functional, but an alcoholic all the same. His doctor was the one who set him straight... no one knows, to this day, what his doctor said to him behind closed doors that day 6 years ago, but all we know is that a 50+ year drinking habit came to a screeching halt that day, and an 83 year old man stopped drinking. Maybe you can get your DH's doctor involved, he may listen to a medical professional who is "objective" better than he listens to his wife.

Best of luck; you're in my thoughts.

[Beth]

I don't have time to post more right now, but I think you've answered your own question. Eva's post may sound harsh, but it's always easier to live with denial when it comes about over time. When someone away from it reads itall at once and plays it back, it doesn't sound the same. There is a problem, and what label you put on it is not nearly as important as doing the right things to take care of yourself and your children and to try to encourage him to do the right thing for himself. You may not want a divorce, but a changed lock the next time he has to sleep one off may get his attention. And don't threaten if you don't mean it -- it quickly becomes meaningless.

[Kyra]

(((worried and family)))

Please, worried, I urge you to seek help. As others have suggested, you can call Al-Anon or AA for information about a local chapter. Other people you might talk to for help, support, and advice would include your rabbi/pastor/minister/priest, if any; a counselor or therapist; your physician (a family doctor, your OB-GYN, or even your pediatrician).

You have the right to get the support, help, and information you need right now so as to be able to make an informed decision. Don't worry about your situation seeming trivial compared to others'. It is what it is. I don't know what this is like for you, but am sure it must be difficult. There is help available, and I again hope that you will seek it out. Do it for your husband, your children, and for yourself.
Please!

You're in our thoughts...

kyra

[worried]

Thank you all, for your responses. This has been a very emotional morning. I did talk to him. I was obviously upset, and when he asked what was wrong, it all came flooding out. I was prepared for denial, and I still think that he thinks I'm over reacting. But he also understood. I told him that needing to sleep at a friends' house b/c he can not drive home is neither normal or safe. I told him that just because he thinks he is sober enough to drive does not mean he is. I explained that even if he quits drinking, his reaction time is lowered, and he could easily get in a wreck that would ruin his life. I told him that it was affecting our family, our marriage. I told him that I was scared for me and the kids - I don't want to find out what it's like to be a single mom. I cried a lot. He at first tried to talk his way out of it, but did stay very calm and levelheaded (I think part of the reason it usually blows up is b/c I am soooo mad at him and confront him when he is drunk - horrible idea) - neither one of us raised our voices. He asked what I wanted him to say. I said I don't want you to say anything, I want it to stop. I know he doesn't think the situation is as serious as I think (know) it is, but he understood that it's something that makes me very upset and anxious, and said he would quit. Not quit drinking, but quit drinking irresponsibly. Time will tell. Now I'm unsure what, if anything, else I should/can do at the moment. I may check out an Al-anon meeting later this week.

[worried]

Originally posted by mbrogier

And yes, if he calls in the middle of the night and needs a ride, you get the kids up and go. Its not worth him driving and killing an innocent person just so you don't wake your children. The next morning, you pack and leave.

I just wanted to clarify - I never, never have him drive home if he calls. He knows that I would much rather him stay at a friends than to drive home, and when he calls, it's to tell me that he's doing just that. But sometimes, especially if he has quit drinking for a while, he will drive home without calling first. That's what worries me.

[SandyM]

Originally posted by worried
Now I'm unsure what, if anything, else I should/can do at the moment. I may check out an Al-anon meeting later this week.

Your answer to being unsure is right here. Don't consider it - just do it. For everyone's sake.

Good luck.

[funnybone]

I don't have any experience with this, but I don't think that you can really help your DH unless he wants to help himself. I know it's a cliche, but it's true. You really have to get him to see that what he does affects the entire family. Good luck.

[lisas3575]

What do you have to lose by going to an Al-Anon meeting? If it doesn't work for you, your misery will be gladly refunded. ;) Try 6 meetings before you decide if it's for you-- they all have a different flavor.The hardest thing is to walk in that door the first time. If you call the 800 #, they can connect you with a member that will go with you for support. Please keep us posted.

(((((hugs)))))

[SueK]

Originally posted by funnybone
I don't think that you can really help your DH unless he wants to help himself. I know it's a cliche, but it's true.

Worried - I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and I completely agree with the above statement. A family member on my DH's side had a serious drinking problem and her husband tried for quite awhile to get her to get help. She finally had a medical crisis, and has not had a drop since then. It took that to be her wakeup call, despite her husband's many efforts.

Please seek counseling for yourself as a first step. ((Take care))) and I hope all gets resolved for you and your family.

[Shirley Panek]

Worried -

You have been given some wonderful advice here. You mentioned that you've brought up counseling many times, but he doesn't think he has a problem. I'm not sure if you were talking about individual counseling (for him) or marriage counseling (for both of you). This problem (or as he might say "so-called 'problem'") is affecting your marriage in a major way. I would encourage you to get counseling on your own even if your DH does not join you.

My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.

(((:()))

[HejazSunKat]

Worried, my heart goes out to you because I've been in your shoes. I'm the wife of an alcoholic who's been in recovery for 16 years. We've known one another for 20 which means we had 4 years of he!! together before he got sober. You sound like less of an enabler of his drinking than I was during my husband's active drinking days. Before I met DH I'd never known anybody with a drinking problem so I didn't know what I was dealing with or what to do about it until I found Al-Anon.

If you do go to an Al-Anon meeting the first thing they will tell you is that there is nothing you can do to change someone else's behavior. The only thing you can change is YOUR reaction to it. That sounds like so little but believe me it is a very powerful thing to do where alcoholics are concerned. Alcoholics are usually very smart people and they use their intelligence to manipulate their family and friends in ways that enable them to keep on with their destructive behavior. When they're working their mojo on you, getting you to respond the way they need you to respond, you become like 2 cogs in a machine, marching together in the same direction. If there is to be any hope of recovery the 'system' that allows them to keep drinking has to fall apart. When you stop allowing your family life to be ruled by his behavior you are giving him a consequence. The more of those he gets the faster he is going to hit his own personal rock bottom. HE has to make the decision to quit drinking. What you can do is take back the peace in your life and for your kids. Did you know that if a kid grows up in an alcoholic household they are much more likely to choose a partner with an addictive personality? I found out in Al-Anon that the dynamics in my childhood household were very similar to those in an alcoholic household. That's probably one reason I chose an addict for a partner. I know you don't want that for your kids. They know something is not right at home and you and your husband are modeling an adult, married relationship for them so make sure they're getting a good example.

I understand what you're saying about your husband being a good person. Despite his behavior, underneath all the ugliness brought on by the drinking, I'm sure you're right. I stuck around because I knew my husband was a good man. Fortunately, he was a flaming a$$hole when he drank which made the behavior alot harder to put up with.

Al-Anon is not for everybody and neither is AA for that matter but I would urge you to educate yourself about the disease of addiction by whatever means you are comfortable with. I know it's a scary thought to go into one of these meetings cold turkey but trust me, you will be welcomed. It's a fellowship of people who are dealing with the same issues you are and it feels good to know you aren't alone. Try a couple and if they don't do anything for you go to a different group. Each one is going to be different because of the different personalities making them up. If you don't want to go the Al-Anon route can you go to a private counselor?

Good luck and take care of you...

[Kristilyn1]

Worried-

go to the counseling. You may think that kids either don't notice, or are not affected by what's going on since it's not all the time and your husband is a functional drunk---don't believe it. I come from a long line of functional drunks and I think both my parents would be SHOCKED if they knew that we all knew and early on. My sister is an alcoholic and raising two kids in the environment. Even the 5 year old knows his mother drinks too much. I'm not in any way trying to say that the situation has caused irreparable harm to your children already---but if you are shy to go to al-anon for yourself, go for your kids and get educated.

Kristi

[KimK]

I, too, have experience in this area. I was married to an alcoholic, but have been divorced from him for about 5 years. Like one of the other posters, when I originally got involved with the guy I was young and naive, and I guess I didn't have the experience with booze or alcoholics to fully realize my situation. By the time I knew him well enough to realize the situation, I knew the kind of person he was under the alcohol haze, and was hopeful for far too long that he would change. I recognize a lot of my former life in what you described.

It sounds like you want to do everything you can to help your husband and save your marriage. In that case, I highly recommend Al-Anon. I went for a time several years ago, before I got divorced, and for a while after. Living with an alcoholic can really screw up your thinking; Al-Anon can help you see things with a different eye and teach you the tools you'll need to live with an alcoholic. It was incredibly hard to go the first few times.......what if I saw someone I knew, what if I couldn't talk or share, what if I cried, etc. Well, you might see someone you know, but they're in the same shoes, and everything, including participants, is confidential. You don't have to talk or share your experiences. And yeah, you might cry - so have/will a lot of other people.

Ultimately, I found Al-Anon to be a major relief of my burden. I no longer had to keep my problems a secret, as I did from most of my family and friends - I could easily identify share with a number of other people who also were or had been in my shoes. I was surprised to find out that what I experienced was NOT special; it was very common and it was so "textbook!" I can't explain to you how comforting that was. If you go, and I hope you do, attend at least 3 times before you think about quitting - and hopefully by then you'll realize it's the place that will give you the tools I mentioned and the support you'll need to be at peace in your marriage.

Take care,
Kim

[colleency]

(((worried and family))) :(

[jmarie]

I cannot add to anything that has already been said. I am just so sorry that you are going through this. Just remember that 6 0r 7 times a year, for now, may change to 10 to 15 times, later on.

My EX-husband was (still is) an alcoholic. Recreational drinking. Not every night, on weekends. But it was miserable. I just want to send you some hugs.
Joyce

[fldivegirl]

This is an excellent site you might visit for support.
http://www.smartrecovery.org/
hugs to you

[Vanessa]

Hi
First I am sorry you are going through all this which its a lot with two kids at home. I would say if you have comfronted DH and he gets upset that uis a clear clue he does not want to be told what to do or confronted. He knows he has a problem he will probably blame others or just regard it as a no problem. It is a problem.
You are right to worry. This drinking can escalate and get out of hand. Its obvious he is going to continue hanging out with his buddies and its best if when they meet there is a designated driver or for someone to call you to pick him up or call a taxi or something. Some guidelines are needed.
It sounds like this has been occuring long?
My only advice would be for you to find a support group be it Alnon or something. They will be able to help you deal with this. If he does not want counseling then you go for your peace of mind and for your kids. Nobody can make him stop drinking he has to decide that by himself.
In the meantime please take care of yourself and go to Alnon.

[cminmd]

To me it seems like your biggest issue is the drinking and driving.
Let him know that you do not have to be an alcoholic to kill someone so you don't have to get him to agree to a lable before dealing with this issue.

I would sit down with him and set up a system he agrees with. For example- more than four beers or three glasses of wine or two mixed drinks in a night is automatically a taxi ride home or a sleep over. Come up with a punishment he is willing to do if he violates your agreements- paint the bathroom, clean out the garage.
Does your community have a Madd/ Scared Straight program? Some communities have a program where you can talk to people in jail for DWI's to see the affects it had on them and their families. Most of people in jail are not monsters- they are people who did one incredibly stupid thing that had horrible consequences.

When you are out at a restaurant he has to alternate drinks- one glass of water in between every alcoholic beverage. Or no drinks before food arrives. Tricks can keep the alcohol levels in moderation.

[cminmd]

I am so sorry this is happening in your family! It is so hard to fix these problems until he is ready to hit this situation head on. In the meantime, maybe you could work around the issue.

To me it seems like (rightly) your biggest issue is the drinking and driving.
Let him know that you do not have to be an alcoholic to kill someone so you don't have to get him to agree to a lable before dealing with this issue.

I would sit down with him and set up a system he agrees with. For example- more than four beers or three glasses of wine or two mixed drinks in a night is automatically a taxi ride home or a sleep over. Come up with a punishment he is willing to do if he violates your agreements- get a breathalyser put on the ignition, paint the bathroom, clean out the garage. Anything that makes him accountable for his failure to follow the agreement.
Does your community have a Madd/ Scared Straight program? Some communities have a program where you can talk to people in jail for DWI's to see the affects it had on them and their families. Most of people in jail are not monsters- they are people who did one incredibly stupid thing that had horrible consequences.

Also, when you are out at a restaurant make a rule that he has to alternate drinks- one glass of water in between every alcoholic beverage. Or no drinks before food arrives. Tricks can keep the alcohol levels in moderation.